Anger Creates Hatefulness

Sometimes things happen in our lives that break us or fill us with anger and resentment. I can understand those feelings, however, we mustn’t allow those emotions to swallow us whole. No matter how difficult things are, we need to rise above and rebuild if necessary.

If we let our anger consume us, it does more harm than good. It creates a hateful attitude and we sometimes lash out at others. It’s not our intention, but it happens.

I’ve let anger and other emotions overwhelm me several times in my life. I have great regret over my attitude during those times. Eventually, I came to realize that I was the only one who could make it right. The only one who could create happiness and peace of mind for me, was me.

I’m definitely not perfect and it’s hard to be positive all the time, especially with chronic pain issues, but I do try. I realize that anger does nothing to fix one’s problems…it just brings out the worst in us.

Another Ordeal

It’s been quite an emotional weekend for me. On Friday, Jack got sick. He was coughing and his breathing was strained. His respirations were higher than they should be and his breathing was odd. By Saturday, I didn’t know if he would make it. I cried most of the day. By Sunday, I was preparing myself to say goodbye. I didn’t know if he would make it to the vet on Monday if I could even get him in that day. I didn’t know if I would get him help in time to save him or if I would be too late and be forced to put him down. There was another obstacle, too. The road conditions weren’t very good in many places. Our vet is 30 miles away and they had some severe ice accumulation. Would the roads be so bad I wouldn’t be able to take him? My heart was breaking.

Now a little history on Jack. He was a stray and of course, I rescued him. I have a soft spot for cats. I can’t help it. Based on the fact that he didn’t mark his territory inside or outside, I figured his age to be no more than 6 months old. I quickly had him neutered.

Within the first year, we noticed Jack had this dry, hacking cough (but not very often) as if he were trying to hack up a hairball, with no results. Then my Dad noticed that his breathing was different than the other cats. His chest would rise with each breath but then his abdomen would rise quickly behind, as his chest fell. It was odd and I had never seen this before.

Our vet (at that time) didn’t seem concerned, stating he “probably just had allergies” because after all “cats can have allergies, too” she told me. I know that, but I have never seen allergies do this to a cat and I’ve had so many cats in my lifetime it would make your head spin. Jack had episodes before (much like this current episode) but they were always short lived. He always snapped out of it quickly but I was always worried.

When he was in that catfight just before Christmas, he was put on antibiotics. The entire course of the antibiotics he had no coughing fits. His breathing seemed very close to normal. I realized this at nearly the end of the treatment. Within 2 days of treatment’s end, he was coughing again and then this episode followed a few days later.

So, now my head was spinning with thoughts I couldn’t stop. Fear, worry, sadness, and GRIEF set in. Unimaginable grief to have to put down yet another beloved cat! I did some research. Based on Jack’s symptoms, I surmised he had what is called a diaphragmatic hernia. I was almost certain. Surgery to repair such a hernia can range anywhere from $1,200 – $2,000, depending on the area. How the hell am I supposed to come up with that kind of money? I would have to open a Go Fund Me page without a doubt. I would have to plead with my friends and family to donate, and if they couldn’t donate then to please share on social media. I needed to save Jack’s life. I needed to have a plan.

Monday morning, I called the vet 20 minutes before they even opened for business. They had no appointments open. I was crushed. The gal on the phone was sweet and told me to bring Jack in at the end of the day, about 4p. Of course, I jumped on that idea and although I was unhappy Jack would have to wait for a little longer, at least he was going to be seen! About an hour later, our 4p appointment got bumped up to 11a. I was so happy!

Upon arrival, they took us into an exam room and it wasn’t long before Dr. Missy came in. I explained the situation and Jack’s symptoms. I even showed her a video of Jack’s coughing attack and another clip of his breathing. She said that I was right to be concerned about a diaphragmatic hernia based on those symptoms but she said from last month’s x-rays, she didn’t see evidence of that. To make sure she didn’t miss anything, she took a couple more x-rays.

I am elated to report that I was wrong about my diagnosis! All of Jack’s internal organs were exactly where they should be. There was no evidence of any kind of hernia. His lungs were a different story. They were spotted and inflamed, and Dr. Missy said it looked like this was putting pressure against his windpipe, which was causing the cough. She also said we can’t rule out allergies, as our previous vet had suggested but whatever the allergen was had triggered a major reaction/infection in the lungs.

Jack got a fast-acting antibiotic injection, along with oral antibiotics and a steroid to follow up for 10 days at home. I noticed Jack feeling much better as soon as we got home! His breathing had stabilized and his cough subsided…for longer periods of time in between anyway.

We will have to go back in 2 weeks to recheck his lungs and we may have to continue the steroids off and on for the rest of his life, depending on whether this “thing” goes completely away or not. He’s had this going on for most of his life and had gone untreated because our previous vet didn’t think it was serious. So, now it’s a waiting game.

Jack has become such a mama’s boy since we got him. Of course, he won’t be too happy with me when he learns he will never step foot outside again. For two reasons: I want to protect him from that mean ol’ stray puddy tat and he has cost us over $500, not counting the bill for recheck in two weeks! He’s too expensive a cat to let outside! He will have to be happy with the catio!

Finally, I can say I have my Jack back!

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Image Copyright Being Aunt Debbie

2:23am

Here I sit at the computer, in the wee morning hours of Monday. I went to bed at 9:30pm Sunday night because I had 3 yummy Kahlua Mudslides and they really kicked my butt. (I should know better than to have more than one of any kind of alcoholic beverage!) After 3 hours of sleep, I was wide awake!

This is the time of the year when I get depressed. I just hate the holidays! I have never been a fanatic about the holidays but when my kids were growing up, I always tried to make it nice for them. It was fun making memories. I looked forward to having a house full of grandkids on the holidays to make even more special memories….but that’s where the depression comes in.

I don’t get to spend the holidays with any of the grandkids. It appears the newest grandbaby will be no exception. I’ve seen him 3 times since he was born, Sept. 1. I know they didn’t want to take him out until he was a bit bigger so I had no problem stopping by to see him. Chronic pain and mobility issues prevented me from stopping by more often. But now, my son and his wife are going here and there, spending time with her family…and here I sit waiting for them to come see me. They have gone out of town, and apparently, I won’t be seeing them on Thanksgiving either. So, it will be just Dad and I, once again.

That’s where the Kahlua Mudslide came in… I’m sick of feeling unnecessary, left out, and unwanted. I know alcohol doesn’t help but on the bright side, as I sit here my pain level is pretty low! Bazinga!

Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty. Mother TeresaRead more at_ https_www.brainyquote.comquotesmother_teresa_131834_img=2&s

Emotions

I have been trying to write all week. I just can’t seem to focus. I’m feeling overwhelmed with grief, sadness, depression, worry, gratefulness, and so many other emotions lately. It’s hard to concentrate when so many things are going through your mind, constantly.

Depression is probably my biggest enemy this week. Since my pain level has been so high, I’ve had a hard time getting around. It seems that it won’t be long and I won’t be able to walk at all. Then what happens? I try not to think about it. It doesn’t seem to matter to the doctors I’ve seen. They just don’t seem to understand the gravity of my situation. They see my situation on paper, Xrays, MRI’s, etc., but they don’t see ME.

I am still grieving the life I once had. The life that I should have had after my kids were grown has changed into a life of chronic pain, depression, and mobility issues. Not too long ago, I started seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I thought I was finally going to get some help. That idea was shattered like always.

I do have things in my life to be happy about and wonderful things to be grateful for. It’s hard to see those things sometimes because when you’re in constant pain, it over-rides everything. Your world seems to be THE PAIN. Everything you do revolves around THE PAIN. Getting groceries, going out with friends, hanging out with family, spending time with the grandkids….all revolve around the pain level of the day.

I’m very grateful to my friends and family who are praying for me. My circle is small but at least I know who my real friends are. Some of those friends are people I have never met but I trust them more than most people. They are not just friends; they are family and very close to my heart.

Only my friends and family who have chronic illnesses truly understand how difficult life can be. They understand how sadness can overcome you. They understand how much you want to do something and they know why you can’t. Those who do not suffer from a chronic illness have no idea how hard it is to stay positive — but yet they tell me to “Stay positive” all the time. Maybe it’s because they don’t know what else to say, but I wish they wouldn’t say anything at all. I know they mean well, so I don’t hold it against them.

All I can do at the moment is hope that next week is better.

Throwback Thursday

I was thinking about my mother last night and again this morning. Then I remembered writing about how stubborn she was. In 2011, I wrote about her fatal car accident and it still elicits such sadness, anger, and horror when I think about it. I still wonder what she must have been thinking the moment of the crash.

Click here to read Reliving A Nightmare