Tag Archives: death

Heartbreaking News

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Honey Bear is sicker than we first thought. After her initial visit with the vet, she felt better right away due to the antibiotics and steroid injections. But by Sunday she was back to looking sickly again. I was trying to entice her to eat more with things she loves like tuna and chicken but noticed she was having trouble chewing. I suspected a dental issue. So, I give her food that she lap up easily and off to the vet we went again yesterday.

I was right about the dental issue; the good news is that it can be treated. The bad news is that she also has a tumor in her tummy pushing on her intestines. The vet suggested an oral antibiotic for the dental problem and an oral steroid to try and shrink the tumor. Thankfully they gave the two mixed together making it only 1ml twice a day that I have to cram down her throat. Anyway, she won’t have much more time with us. I am hoping she will start eating more so she won’t be so weak. I want her to have a little time left where she feels better so I can give her more lovins before she goes. Right now she hides a lot.

The vet said we could probably get her feeling better for 2 weeks to 2 months on the steroid but we have to wait and see how she does. I will eventually have to make that inevitable and heartbreaking decision to let her go…

Operation Catch Up and Clean Up

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Two weeks ago, the young woman who took the photos at my son’s wedding passed suddenly. I met her just once, at the wedding. She left behind 2 small children and a grieving husband. This weighed on me terribly even though I really didn’t know her. I just couldn’t stop thinking about her family. It got me thinking….too much. I didn’t sleep well for two nights.

It got me thinking about my own family, my own situation. Aside from my pain and mobility issues, I’m pretty healthy. The thing is, I could pass suddenly, too. I started thinking about what I would be leaving behind if I were to pass suddenly. A cluttered house, that’s what. Since becoming disabled, I’ve not been able to clean as I did when I was younger and able-bodied. I clean, but I haven’t thoroughly cleaned and decluttered in years. 10 years ago, it was impossible to clean as I had my grown children moving in and out of the house with their significant other and/or their children. I had to shuffle belongings from one room to another, shove shit in boxes, hide stuff in corners and closets – all to make room for the extra bodies. When they all flew the coop, I never was able to unbox and put things back because I was having pain and mobility issues. As time went on, the clutter grew because I had nowhere to put things that I actually needed.

The last couple of weeks I’ve been cleaning out drawers, closets and boxes. I’ve been throwing shit away that I haven’t used in years. I’ve been decluttering, slowly. Slowly, this house is becoming a home again….albeit still falling down.

I have to do a little each day, as my pain allows. Today, for instance, I cleaned out 3 kitchen drawers and that’s about all I could do. Yesterday, I cleaned out a plastics cabinet and threw out tons of containers I’ve not used in years. Last week, I cleaned off a huge cube shelf in the living room. You get the picture. Steady as she goes, they say.

I decided some time ago that I would be selling my soap and incense making supplies because I just can’t make those things any longer. I was hoping to be able to again someday, but I’m not sure that day will ever come. Getting those supplies together and boxed up for my buyers has been a major task but I’m getting that done, slowly but surely.

So, it’s been a busy couple of weeks. I hope to be able to relax a little in the near future when I get everything cleaned and uncluttered. It may help unclutter my mind as well…at least a little bit. I won’t have to worry about my family having to deal with the mess I’ve left behind. I can just hear them saying, “What the hell did she save this for?” Face it. We’ve all got things saved in drawers or closets and we’ll ask ourselves the same question especially if we forget why we saved it! Ha! We always have a good reason at the time, am I right?!

Anyway, I’ve been lagging behind in reading all of the wonderful blogs I follow and also on writing in my own blog. Never fear. I will get caught up again! It’s not that I haven’t tried to write. I have, but when I do my mind goes blank. As things become cleaner, decluttered and organized, it will become easier I’m sure.

Until then, please be patient with me!

Throwback Thursday

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I was thinking about my mother last night and again this morning. Then I remembered writing about how stubborn she was. In 2011, I wrote about her fatal car accident and it still elicits such sadness, anger, and horror when I think about it. I still wonder what she must have been thinking the moment of the crash.

Click here to read Reliving A Nightmare

At The End of The Day

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Feeling tired and sad tonight, as I sit and think about what’s coming on Monday. This will be the third kitty I have had to put down.

Smokie has kidney disease, just as the first two did. Kidney disease does awful things to kitties. They start losing weight and then have ferocious appetites. It’s the body’s way of maintaining the rapidly decreasing body weight. They urinate often and in very large quantities. They drink a LOT of water.

Since cats have their own distinct personalities, this disease causes their behavior to change in different ways. Fuzzy used to splash water out of the water dishes all the time and was very vocal (extremely loud) about being hungry. Korn stopped grooming himself and was a big matted mess that I couldn’t keep up with. He also stepped in his own pee clumps and got litter on his feet, which hardened later. He was a mess. About a year ago, Smokie decided she wasn’t going to pee in the litter box anymore. She would go outside the box; I mean right outside the box! She pooped in the box just fine. She also started using various places in the house to pee. We have had to put puppy pads in those places and around the litter box.

She is 15 1/2 years old. She’s not had the best life, but she was loved. I called her my “Franken Kitty” for a long time because of her accident. She was just a couple years old when it happened, but she either got hit by a car or kicked by a cow (or horse) but her jaw had been broken and had to be wired for a short time. The trauma to her head messed up her eyesight. She hasn’t been able to see much except shadows ever since. I guess I should have just put her down then… I couldn’t bear it then any more than I can now, but it has to be done. She’s not going to get better and I won’t watch her suffer.

She was the favorite of the litter when she was born. Her coloring was unique (I thought at the time but have seen many cats with that coloring since) and she was a sweetheart. She would catch mice and throw them around in the snow, which was a hilarious sight! She loved the snow. Even after her accident, she wanted to go outside, but she could only go out with supervision and sometimes she’d follow me on my walks. I remember one time, her momma brought her a mouse. I think momma knew there was something wrong with her.

A couple of years ago, we were able to build an enclosure for the cats. I call it the “catio.” The cats, including Smokie, can come and go as they please through the cat door. She loves that freedom. They all do. They spend more time out there than they do in the house. I love that they can go out and be safe.

Smokie will be missed, just as Fuzz and Korn are. I will be left with 4 kitties; Alice, Jack, Honey, & Kitty. Kitty is 12 this year and I hope she has at least 3 or 4 good years left. My heart needs time to heal. I will be taking a few days off from blogging, Facebooking, etc., to grieve. I hope to be back mid-week.

Thank you for reading and thank you for your support and understanding.

The Hag

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Wow. I am finding some of my old writings and it’s a sorrowful glimpse into the past. My sisters, my Dad, and I had been through all kinds of hell with my mother and this particular piece I found really brought those memories to the surface. I wrote this about the time my parents finally got divorced andMom had left the state; she actually left when my youngest sister was still in high school. My poor Dad had been put through the wringer for so many years! I remember being fearful that I was going to be just like my mother and I didn’t want my kids to know that person.

~~~

The Hag

I can’t think of a hug or a kiss that I care to remember from my dear, ‘sweet’ mother.

I remember the pain of feeling about one inch high because I didn’t do something exactly right.

I remember the pain when my mother left, but I never felt better when she had finally gone.

We all found peace of some kind, especially Dad, who is finally free.

I don’t think I can ever be free because I fear that I am her and she is me.

I want my kids to remember a loving mother, and not the hag I will turn out to be.

~~~

Mom passed away after an auto accident about a year or so after she left. She was the type of person who defied anyone who told her what she could or couldn’t do and that included laws. She refused to wear a seatbelt because she said she shouldn’t have to if she didn’t want to. She said it was no one else’s business.

Tragically, she wasn’t wearing a seatbelt when she fell asleep at the wheel. (Mixing alcohol and medication will do that to a person, as well as impair your ability to make sound decisions…she wasn’t good at that in the first place.) She was thrown from her truck and died instantly.

Such a very sad time, but in my heart, I knew something was going to happen because of the way she had chosen to live her life.