Emotions

I have been trying to write all week. I just can’t seem to focus. I’m feeling overwhelmed with grief, sadness, depression, worry, gratefulness, and so many other emotions lately. It’s hard to concentrate when so many things are going through your mind, constantly.

Depression is probably my biggest enemy this week. Since my pain level has been so high, I’ve had a hard time getting around. It seems that it won’t be long and I won’t be able to walk at all. Then what happens? I try not to think about it. It doesn’t seem to matter to the doctors I’ve seen. They just don’t seem to understand the gravity of my situation. They see my situation on paper, Xrays, MRI’s, etc., but they don’t see ME.

I am still grieving the life I once had. The life that I should have had after my kids were grown has changed into a life of chronic pain, depression, and mobility issues. Not too long ago, I started seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I thought I was finally going to get some help. That idea was shattered like always.

I do have things in my life to be happy about and wonderful things to be grateful for. It’s hard to see those things sometimes because when you’re in constant pain, it over-rides everything. Your world seems to be THE PAIN. Everything you do revolves around THE PAIN. Getting groceries, going out with friends, hanging out with family, spending time with the grandkids….all revolve around the pain level of the day.

I’m very grateful to my friends and family who are praying for me. My circle is small but at least I know who my real friends are. Some of those friends are people I have never met but I trust them more than most people. They are not just friends; they are family and very close to my heart.

Only my friends and family who have chronic illnesses truly understand how difficult life can be. They understand how sadness can overcome you. They understand how much you want to do something and they know why you can’t. Those who do not suffer from a chronic illness have no idea how hard it is to stay positive — but yet they tell me to “Stay positive” all the time. Maybe it’s because they don’t know what else to say, but I wish they wouldn’t say anything at all. I know they mean well, so I don’t hold it against them.

All I can do at the moment is hope that next week is better.

Throwback Thursday

I was thinking about my mother last night and again this morning. Then I remembered writing about how stubborn she was. In 2011, I wrote about her fatal car accident and it still elicits such sadness, anger, and horror when I think about it. I still wonder what she must have been thinking the moment of the crash.

Click here to read Reliving A Nightmare

The Hag

Wow. I am finding some of my old writings and it’s a sorrowful glimpse into the past. My sisters, my Dad, and I had been through all kinds of hell with my mother and this particular piece I found really brought those memories to the surface. I wrote this about the time my parents finally got divorced andMom had left the state; she actually left when my youngest sister was still in high school. My poor Dad had been put through the wringer for so many years! I remember being fearful that I was going to be just like my mother and I didn’t want my kids to know that person.

~~~

The Hag

I can’t think of a hug or a kiss that I care to remember from my dear, ‘sweet’ mother.

I remember the pain of feeling about one inch high because I didn’t do something exactly right.

I remember the pain when my mother left, but I never felt better when she had finally gone.

We all found peace of some kind, especially Dad, who is finally free.

I don’t think I can ever be free because I fear that I am her and she is me.

I want my kids to remember a loving mother, and not the hag I will turn out to be.

~~~

Mom passed away after an auto accident about a year or so after she left. She was the type of person who defied anyone who told her what she could or couldn’t do and that included laws. She refused to wear a seatbelt because she said she shouldn’t have to if she didn’t want to. She said it was no one else’s business.

Tragically, she wasn’t wearing a seatbelt when she fell asleep at the wheel. (Mixing alcohol and medication will do that to a person, as well as impair your ability to make sound decisions…she wasn’t good at that in the first place.) She was thrown from her truck and died instantly.

Such a very sad time, but in my heart, I knew something was going to happen because of the way she had chosen to live her life.

RIP Korn, My Bubbers

My heart is breaking, yet again. On Wednesday, I said goodbye to my 15-1/2-year-old, Korn. He had kidney disease and arthritis in his back legs. He was not the happy cat he once was. His health had been declining since they were all sick last February. I knew it was just a matter of time before he would be suffering, so I made the difficult decision to let him go. I had been agonizing over it for weeks.

This is an older pic of him when he was younger and happy. I hope he knows how much I love him and will miss him. I hope Korn and his bud, Fuzzy have met up and are swapping stories about how they chased rabbits together or how they drove me nuts wanting out and coming in again, over and over.

 

 

 

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Image Copyright Being Aunt Debbie

 

 

 

Reliving A Nightmare

Last night, I dreamed of my mom who was killed in a car accident in August 1992. She had been drinking and popping prescription pain relievers. She was not wearing a seat belt and was thrown from the vehicle. In my dream, she was alive and I had the opportunity to stop her from not wearing her seat belt. Did she listen? No. She didn’t like anyone telling her what to do or what not to do. I woke up feeling that same pain and sadness as I did almost 19 years ago.

When my parents were still married, many times she called my Dad a “know-it-all.” She resented the fact that my father was a college graduate and she barely finished the 9th grade. Many times, I was also a “know-it-all.” There was aways a conflict brewing in our household. She always took the opposite stance on any subject, regardless.

I understand completely not liking being told what to do; I don’t like it either. But common sense steps in and takes over. Common sense tells me to wear a seat belt. I hope common sense tells my grown children to wear a seat belt. I raised them to be responsible, self-reliant human beings. I hope they understand that wearing a seat belt can not only save their lives but also ensure that their children have a mother/father in their lives.

Although my mother and I butted heads and were often at odds, I still wish she were here. If she had just worn that seat belt she would be enjoying her many grandchildren and her 2 beautiful great-grandchildren today. She was 50 years old the year she died and would now be nearing 70. It would be wonderful to have a mom to talk to about personal things or just to have a little girl talk. Of course, that would be in a perfect world because mom was so argumentative that our girl talk would have turned into a cat fight!

I still wish she were here…..