I have been trying to write all week. I just can’t seem to focus. I’m feeling overwhelmed with grief, sadness, depression, worry, gratefulness, and so many other emotions lately. It’s hard to concentrate when so many things are going through your mind, constantly.

Depression is probably my biggest enemy this week. Since my pain level has been so high, I’ve had a hard time getting around. It seems that it won’t be long and I won’t be able to walk at all. Then what happens? I try not to think about it. It doesn’t seem to matter to the doctors I’ve seen. They just don’t seem to understand the gravity of my situation. They see my situation on paper, Xrays, MRI’s, etc., but they don’t see ME.

I am still grieving the life I once had. The life that I should have had after my kids were grown has changed into a life of chronic pain, depression, and mobility issues. Not too long ago, I started seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I thought I was finally going to get some help. That idea was shattered like always.

I do have things in my life to be happy about and wonderful things to be grateful for. It’s hard to see those things sometimes because when you’re in constant pain, it over-rides everything. Your world seems to be THE PAIN. Everything you do revolves around THE PAIN. Getting groceries, going out with friends, hanging out with family, spending time with the grandkids….all revolve around the pain level of the day.

I’m very grateful to my friends and family who are praying for me. My circle is small but at least I know who my real friends are. Some of those friends are people I have never met but I trust them more than most people. They are not just friends; they are family and very close to my heart.

Only my friends and family who have chronic illnesses truly understand how difficult life can be. They understand how sadness can overcome you. They understand how much you want to do something and they know why you can’t. Those who do not suffer from a chronic illness have no idea how hard it is to stay positive — but yet they tell me to “Stay positive” all the time. Maybe it’s because they don’t know what else to say, but I wish they wouldn’t say anything at all. I know they mean well, so I don’t hold it against them.

All I can do at the moment is hope that next week is better.

6 thoughts on “Emotions

  1. I think the advice “stay positive” is one of the worst advice you can give to someone who is struggling with their physical or mental health. As someone who doesn’t deal with chronic pain, I can’t begin to imagine how difficult every day life can be. I just want to say one thing: I hope that your strength overpowers your pain. I hope the love in your life continues to ease you through. And always come to writing when you can, and it will always be there to accompany you.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. While I don’t have first hand experience with chronic pain, I have had a lot of close second hand experience. My mother died nearly 20 years ago from side effects of treatment for 6 and a half years of what they called chronic acute Rheumatoid Arthritis. My Dad died just over 3 and a half years ago from Multiple Myeloma, and my best friend, a wonderful lady I had been friends with since we were 12 years old (about 48 years) also died from Multiple Myeloma just over a year ago. She had also suffered chronic pain and mobility issues for about 15 years before her MM diagnosis with a different kind of autoimmune arthritis. I have seen how tiring and depressing constant pain can be, and how much people’s identity can be taken away from them by loss of mobility and independence; also how dehumanising public health systems can be. I will pray for strength, peace and comfort for you and your family, and for wisdom and compassion in your medical staff. Karen

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’m so very sorry for the loss you have suffered. Thank you so much for your support, prayers, and understanding… So many people don’t understand while thinking they do. They turly have no clue. In your case you have witnessed chronic pain and its effects on those you love and you know what it can do to people. You are so very right about identities being taken away… I am not the person I used to be or that I want to be. Thank you again, Karen. ❤

      Liked by 3 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s