Emotions

I have been trying to write all week. I just can’t seem to focus. I’m feeling overwhelmed with grief, sadness, depression, worry, gratefulness, and so many other emotions lately. It’s hard to concentrate when so many things are going through your mind, constantly.

Depression is probably my biggest enemy this week. Since my pain level has been so high, I’ve had a hard time getting around. It seems that it won’t be long and I won’t be able to walk at all. Then what happens? I try not to think about it. It doesn’t seem to matter to the doctors I’ve seen. They just don’t seem to understand the gravity of my situation. They see my situation on paper, Xrays, MRI’s, etc., but they don’t see ME.

I am still grieving the life I once had. The life that I should have had after my kids were grown has changed into a life of chronic pain, depression, and mobility issues. Not too long ago, I started seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I thought I was finally going to get some help. That idea was shattered like always.

I do have things in my life to be happy about and wonderful things to be grateful for. It’s hard to see those things sometimes because when you’re in constant pain, it over-rides everything. Your world seems to be THE PAIN. Everything you do revolves around THE PAIN. Getting groceries, going out with friends, hanging out with family, spending time with the grandkids….all revolve around the pain level of the day.

I’m very grateful to my friends and family who are praying for me. My circle is small but at least I know who my real friends are. Some of those friends are people I have never met but I trust them more than most people. They are not just friends; they are family and very close to my heart.

Only my friends and family who have chronic illnesses truly understand how difficult life can be. They understand how sadness can overcome you. They understand how much you want to do something and they know why you can’t. Those who do not suffer from a chronic illness have no idea how hard it is to stay positive — but yet they tell me to “Stay positive” all the time. Maybe it’s because they don’t know what else to say, but I wish they wouldn’t say anything at all. I know they mean well, so I don’t hold it against them.

All I can do at the moment is hope that next week is better.

10 Songs On My Playlist Today

Today, I had an appointment that was quite the drive. It was 3 hours, round trip. As much as I love Dad and enjoy his company, humor, and stories of his youth, I really enjoyed being completely alone! My music kept me company and I cranked it up and rocked out! I sang along and wiggled and tapped to the music. This is something I can’t normally do with Dad in the car!

I am always amused by the number of people who look at me like there’s something wrong with me. They see a 56-year-old woman in a car with music blaring, that can be heard through closed windows and they get this odd look on their faces. Older people probably think I’m too old for that nonsense, younger people probably think it’s odd that I’m listening to such modern music, and people my age probably wonder why I’m not listening to country music! Some might just think, “Damn, is she deaf?”

What was I listening to? I’m glad you asked! (Even though you didn’t….heehee.) Here are 10 of the songs on my playlist today:

 

Korn – Freak On A Leash

 

Avatar – Let It Burn

 

Gojira – Stranded

 

Avenged Sevenfold – Hail To The King

 

Bad Wolves – Zombie (cover)

 

AC/DC – Thunderstruck

 

Rammstein – Du Hast

 

Red Sun Rising – The Otherside

 

Drowning Pool – Let The Bodies Hit The Floor

 

Soundgarden – Spoonman

 

So, what’s on your playlist?

Being Fluffy

Many years ago, I worked in my daughter’s 1st-grade class as an aide. It was recess time and I was outside supervising the kids. There were some boys in the class making fun of another little girl who was a bit on the heavy side. They were laughing and calling her names like, “fat” and “fatso” and a few other fat-related names. I stopped them and asked them, “I’m fat. Does that make me a bad person?” They said, “No.” I continued, “I still have feelings even though I’m fat, don’t I?” They agreed. A little girl standing next to me, chimed in. “You’re not fat Miss Debbie! You’re fluffy!” We all laughed and I gave the little girl a big hug. I thanked her for being so sweet.

I went on to explain to the kids that everyone is different; some skinny, some a little bigger, some tall, some short, some with red hair, some with green eyes…. Everyone is different in their own way…..

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10 Year Blogaversary

I can’t believe it’s been 10 years since I started blogging! Of course, no one read my blog back then because I kept it rather quiet. I wasn’t writing for anyone but me and it was therapeutic. It was personal. I was going through the worst time of my life and blogging was a way for me to release it, send it away.

I signed on to WordPress on August 16, 2008. My very first post came just a few days later. I remember that day and I was in a panic. I’m pretty sure what I was feeling was close to how a parent of a missing child feels — the panic, uncertainty, fear, worry….and then in my case, anger set in. Give it a read and you’ll understand what I mean.

Anyway, it wasn’t until a little over a year ago that I decided to step out of my comfort zone and make my blog more ‘visible’ to others. I started interacting with other bloggers and my number of followers increased. I also started a Facebook page for this blog, so that I could more easily share with my friends and family.

I never started blogging to gain followers. I like that some people follow and interact but the number isn’t important to me. I like to connect with people on a more personal level. I like that some people can identify with what I’m writing about or that they find it humorous. I don’t care about those who think personal blogs are boring. I’m not blogging for them. I’m blogging for me and those who care to read it.

I’m not a people pleaser anymore! If someone doesn’t like my blog, for whatever reason, they don’t have to read it. I don’t read blogs that are boring to me, either. I also don’t read blogs that shamelessly beg for donations, or always promote some product, unless of course, it’s something I am interested in purchasing). And blogs that spout the same information over and over again? Boring. I’m not saying those blogs don’t appeal to some people; they most certainly do, but they don’t appeal to me.

I appreciate those who read, follow, and comment on my posts. I just wish I had more time to read all of the wonderful, insightful, and humorous blogs out there!! Please feel free to include your blog URL in the comments below!

Thanks for reading my friends!! I appreciate you more than you know!

~~Deb

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To New Projects and New Beginnings!

I finished my last 2 crochet projects and am currently taking on a few more! My 4th grandbaby is due in September and I still have a few things left to make! I’m starting a stroller blanket, a nursing shawl, and a car seat cover. You can see the lovely afghan I finished in time for the baby shower here!

I get so excited when a new project has been completed. It’s such a wonderful feeling to see the end result of so many hours of work. There are so many items on my list of things to make…. Holy cow, you should see my Pinterest board! Hahaha!

I’m looking forward to having a 4th grandchild. I think this grandbaby will stay close, as I don’t think my dear daughter-in-law will want to go too far from her family. I love all of my grandkids so much but things aren’t as I’d like them to be. One lives hundreds of miles away, another is being raised JW, and the oldest was adopted by his other grandparents, due to circumstances beyond my control. That was a long and painful story….and the reason I started blogging.

I’m looking forward to this new beginning, not only for myself but for my son and his wife and their little one who will be here very soon!

…….And as soon as I finish my projects for #4 I want to start some projects to sell for the holidays. So many ideas and so little time!!

Peace be with you, my friends!