I’m A Good Person!!

Have you ever experienced someone treating you as if you were scum of the Earth? Has anyone ever talked down to you or insinuated that you weren’t a good person? I have. I have been treated this way for several years by someone and it has been suggested to me that I cut ties with that person. I can’t see myself doing that because of another person who means the world to me.

I’m not a bad person. I have made mistakes, as everyone has but never mistakes of such magnitude that would make people think I was a bad person. I have regrets, as most people do. I’m definitely not perfect. I have a bit of an attitude when it comes to certain things. I am opinionated. I despise being told what to do. I curse like a sailor. I have little to no patience with drama and bullshit. I sometimes have a short temper. When I was a kid I cut school and got caught stealing. I made prank calls with friends. I got drunk with friends when I was a teenager. I’m definitely flawed; no ands, ifs or buts about it.

But no matter how flawed, I have a big heart. I am very sensitive; empathetic and empathic. I feel other people’s pain and it drains me. I care too deeply about the people in my life. If you cry you will not cry alone because I will cry with you. I am honest and trust-worthy. I am loyal. I would never hurt a child. I have never killed anyone. I don’t do drugs. I’m not an alcoholic. I wear a seatbelt in my car and I always insist others wear one too if they are in my car. I try to show everyone respect until they disrespect me. I love animals. I’m not a bully. I try to help other people if I can. I say please and thank you. I taught my kids to say please and thank you. I’ve been a caregiver most of my life. I try not to judge anyone, but if you’re an asshole, you bet your ass I will judge you on that alone! I’m frugal and I live a simple life. I don’t need expensive things, and I appreciate everything I have.

Regardless of what anyone thinks of me, I am still me. I will walk my own truth and I won’t look back at those people who have judged me unfairly.

I know who I am, and I’m a good person.

 

Excitement, Obstacles & Why Can’t Anything Be Easy?

I haven’t been writing much lately, for a few reasons. Just bummed mostly but excited for family to come. I had to get the house ready as best I could and get groceries so I’d have food to feed everyone. It was a good visit but not long enough. I lost a few hours with them too, because someone couldn’t bend a little. They’re gone now and I miss them tremendously!

I had to cancel my last appointment with my therapist because it was scheduled the day family would arrive. I emailed her later to explain why since I didn’t get to speak to her personally when I rescheduled the appointment. I told her about a few things that have happened in the last three weeks and when she responded she said, “Nothing is ever easy for you, is it?” She nailed it! I’ve been saying that for years! Here’s a rundown of the things that have happened in the past three weeks:

  1. My insurance covered the last round of injections I received but changed their policies since then. They won’t cover them anymore, so now I have to struggle not knowing if they would have helped with my pain.
  2. Ortho doc won’t reconsider knee replacement surgery because my weight/BMI isn’t where they want it to be and my legs are still weak. I think by the time she decides to move forward with surgery, my insurance will no longer cover it. That’s just my luck.
  3. My new doc (since January ’17) that I searched for over the last 10 years, has left the clinic and they won’t tell me where she went! Figures. I finally find a good doctor; one who listens and actually tries to help, and she’s gone. Now I have to find a new doctor or see another in that clinic.
  4. I tried to include my first-born grandson, (who was adopted by his other grandparents) in our little family get-together even though I knew what the outcome would be. The other grandmother wouldn’t hear of it, even though she too, was invited. Instead, she went behind my back and made other arrangements for D.M. to see my daughter (his mother) and his little brother. This took several hours away from us. I’m glad my daughter was able to see D.M. but it’s a shame that other grandmother couldn’t bend a little and come to our house so we could all spend time with D.M.
  5. D.M.’s birthday was Oct. 23. I made arrangements to meet after school to give him his gift in person. This is what we’ve been doing the last few years for Christmas and birthdays. I didn’t think this year would be any different. The night before we were supposed to meet, I find out D.M. is sick. Ok, so I mailed him his gift. It has now been 2 weeks and I’ve not heard one word about whether he liked his gift from me and his great-grandpa. Nice. What a way to teach a kid manners, right?

Anyway, nothing is ever easy for me. It seems that I run into an obstacle at every turn. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t expect life to be easy but sometimes it seems the universe hates me! Every month, there’s something new staring me down…as if to say, “Don’t get too comfy!” I wonder what’s in store for me in November…..

Dry Spell

I’ve been searching my brain for days, trying to come up with something to write about. I guess it happens to everyone, but I wish it wouldn’t happen to me. I’m not even sure where this post will lead; I suppose we’ll find out together.

My pain level has been pretty high this past couple of days. I suppose that’s why I’m struggling with my writing. Chronic pain causes exhaustion, lack of concentration, and a total lack of desire to do anything, It takes everything in me to shake off that kind of depression. It’s difficult to do but when something you were looking forward to gets ripped right out from under you, it’s even harder. You wonder, “Why the fuck do I even try.”

Next week, I’m getting Gel One injections in my knees. I’m hoping this particular type will help more than the last, but I’m not getting my hopes up. I’m not too anxious about the shots since I went through this 6 months ago. I know what to expect now and I know it’s not painful; it’s mostly just pressure in the knees and a little uncomfortable.

I am looking forward to seeing my sister, my daughter and my grandson very soon! I wish I could cook like I use to. I would love to cook up a feast for them! The house could use a good deep cleaning….but I can’t do that either. The grandson is nearly 4 years old now. I haven’t seen him since he was less than 2 years old! I’m pretty sure that if my furbabies knew about this visit and could offer their two cents, they would say, “Noooooo! Don’t let them come!” I’m also sure they will make themselves scarce during the visit! They’re just not used to little people with loud voices!

Dad had a coughing fit tonight and just about scared the daylights out of me. He was eating tootsie rolls and I always warn him to be careful. Chewy candy, in general, produces too much saliva. Anyway, I thought I was going to have to do the Heimlich Maneuver, but he caught his breath and coughed it out. Thank goodness. That man scares the hell out of me sometimes. He will be 81 in February.

It’s nearly 1 a.m. as I type this. I should go to bed but I’m half-ass watching this LMN movie about a crazy guy stalking the neighbor woman whom he apparently knew in the past. She knows him from somewhere but can’t put her finger on it. It will all come out in the wash! These movies are so predictable and seriously if you’ve seen one it’s a safe bet that you’ll see another and another with the same plot with different actors!

Well, my eyes are getting heavy and I keep hitting the wrong keys. I must be tired. I hope my pain level is lower tomorrow because I have some errands to run. Dad and I usually have lunch out on Saturdays too. It would be nice to be able to enjoy some time away from home without too much pain….but, that’s my life. I do what I can, when I can.

 

 

 

A Ray, A Sparkle & Perfectness

Amidst all of the political BS and devastation due to hurricanes and fires, I have to set my mind to a more positive channel. I HAVE to. The awful things that happen to people consume me. The political shit storm of opinions and uninformed comments consume me. By consume I mean that I am overwhelmed with a multitude of feelings such as a profound sadness and helplessness for people who are experiencing such losses and an intense desire to put my fist through the face of an idiot who hasn’t taken the time to research anything before forming an opinion. 

Sometimes I am so overloaded with sadness, rage, empathy, concern, sorrow….that I need to unplug from the world. I have decreased the amount of time I’m spending on social media and doing other things like reading, writing, doing word puzzles to keep my brain sharp, making a holiday shopping list, crafting, crocheting, doing a few extra chores, and making lists of things I need to do, recipes I want to try, ingredients I need to buy, and the like. I wish I could do more, but chronic pain and mobility issues play a big part in deciding what I do each day. 

I think I watch less television, but when the other person in the household has to watch all day long (and sometimes the same exact news repeated numerous times throughout the day) it’s rather hard to get away from. I do retreat to my room for large chunks of the day to unwind, nap or just write.

There have been a few things this week that have made me smile and forget about the YUCK of life. There’s one particular thing that stands out from this past week.

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My grand daughter called me the other day. It was nice to hear her little 8-year-old voice. I have missed her a LOT! It’s been 2 months since her last visit. We have made some plans for a visit week after next, but nothing is set in stone as yet. I look forward to seeing her. She makes me laugh and I love her hugs! She’s got to be the most considerate and helpful child on the planet; another reason she’s so easy to love! Her overnight stays are the best! We have a little bedtime rhyme we have shared since she was just a little bitty thing and it goes like this:

“I love you little,

I love you big,

I love you like a little pig.”

We always get a little chuckle out of it and I cherish these special moments. Another special moment I get to witness is when she and her (Great) Grampa are watching SpongeBob SquarePants together. All I can do is grin from ear to ear when they’re laughing their heads off! Too bad the other 2 grandkids don’t get to enjoy these special times with him too. 

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So, there’s a little bright sparkle of goodness, a ray of sunshine, a pocketful of perfectness that is my little Doodle Bug coming for a visit soon!!  Boy, do I need that visit!

There Is Always Something To Be Grateful For

I am trying to be a bit more positive this week. Last week kind of threw me for a loop! It was rough. I’d like to take some time to write about a few of the things I am grateful for…. There’s always something to be grateful for; no matter how bad it is, no matter the struggles.

 

  1. I’m grateful for my Dad. He’s not just my Dad; he’s my best friend and “partner in crime!” He’s 80 years old and in pretty good health. He’s in better shape than I am!
  2. Over the weekend, one of my furbabies had a problem that led me to believe I was going to have to make that final decision. This morning, she was back to her old self. Still 15 years old and nearing the end of her life, but I am grateful that this week I won’t have to say goodbye.
  3. I am grateful for the good night’s sleep I got last night. It was refreshing. It doesn’t happen often!
  4. I am grateful for the skill to crochet. It helps my hands not freeze up from arthritis. I am working on a poncho for my cousin this week.

 

I think I will start writing at least one thing I am grateful for each day. It helps to be positive. It helps to be grateful. It helps to look forward and smile. What are you grateful for tonight?

 

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