What’s Eating Aunt Debbie?

It’s been quite a long time since I’ve sat down to write. It’s difficult with lack of sleep and when things aren’t going so well. I haven’t been on social media much lately because the bullshit infuriates me. Between the misinformation and the hypocrisy, I don’t know whether to shit or go blind, as my Granny used to say. 

I’ve been watching my Dad’s health decline over the last few months and it’s ripping my heart out. Inevitably, I will lose him so I am making the best of the time I have left to love and appreciate him. His memory is failing him and he’s been having some health issues. He’s finding it more difficult to understand simple things. Thankfully, he hasn’t had a fall since July…knock on wood. He’s a bit unstable at times when walking but manages to keep himself upright with the aid of a cane. I’m finding myself watching him like a hawk, trying to do so without making it obvious. It’s been a rough couple of months because as you know, I have my own health issues; chronic pain and mobility issues always make things more difficult for me. Dad’s not able to help me with little things around the house like he used to and I have no other help. I just take things one day at a time.

Someone asked me the other day, “What will you do when you have to live alone?” “I’m not afraid to live alone,” I explained. “I’m afraid of being forgotten. Forgotten by family and friends. Left behind. Most of my family is in Tennessee and I’m in Missouri. My son is less than 15 miles away and I don’t hear from him very often.” I don’t relish the thought of living here without my Dad but I don’t have a problem living alone. The memories will haunt me, I’m sure.

I’m really trying to hold things together here, and I know I need to write more. I try. I think about something I’d like to write about and then…I just don’t do it. I just don’t have the motivation but I’m trying to get it back. I keep saying that and maybe it will snap back into place sooner than later!

I am enjoying the cooler weather, now that Fall is here. Sweater weather is my favorite weather of all! I just pray that the winter we have coming won’t be like the last! 

Until next time, 

Aunt Debbie

Dad’s 59th Father’s Day

I wasn’t posting regularly in June, so I missed sharing this with you.

My Dad celebrated his 59th Father’s Day this year! I wanted to do something special; something that would represent our relationship and I think I nailed it! My cousin had sent me this old photo months ago. You can see Dad and I are both laughing/smiling and that pretty much sums up my relationship with him. We have been making each other laugh for 59 years! Dad was 25 years old in this photo and obviously, I was just a wee baby.

I have a Facebook friend who is an artist/photographer and I have seen some of her work because she shares on Facebook. She does amazing work! I decided to contact her to see if she could draw the above photo before Father’s Day and she said she could. I was thrilled!

When she finished, seeing it brought tears to my eyes. It was absolutely perfect! Take a look for yourself! She does amazing work and if you’d like to have something special drawn, look her up on Facebook. Her name is Katarzyna Cepek. You can see some of her other work there, too.

I put the drawing in an 8×10 frame and wrapped it with a pretty bow, I could barely wait to give it to him! As soon as Dad was up that morning, I gave it to him. Now, Dad is not one to show emotion so his reaction was less than my teary-eyed red face, but he definitely thought it was nicely done and he hung it up on the wall right away.

I will definitely want more drawings! In fact, Dad and I were talking just last week about getting a set of drawings of older photos that we can display on our ugly walls. And trust me, our walls are ugly!

Still Kickin’

Happy Monday!

What’s that? Yes, I’m still kickin’…and sometimes screaming. I’m trying to get back on track but this past couple of months have sucked and quite frankly, my desire to do anything has diminished.

We finally got propane, which is our primary source of heat. It took an entire month to get that no-good, mofo company out here to fill our tank! We went through that zero degree weather with 2 little space heaters in the living room, which didn’t even begin to keep us warm. I ended up buying a couple of electric shawls that were a Godsend, holy crap. They really helped – but now it’s warming up and I have packed them away for next winter.

We thought we were in the home stretch when our water pipes froze. We always take precautions and this time was no different but it was so much colder than it normally is that what we did wasn’t good enough. When it started to warm up and the pipes started to thaw, we realized we had busted pipes and we had to shut the water completely off. My son came and replaced pipes and repaired leaks and we thought we had it made but then for some reason we only had hot water in the bathtub and cold water in the toilet but no water anywhere else! My son checked and double-checked but could find nothing wrong! Nearly 2 weeks later, we finally found a plumber and $500+ later, we had water everywhere we were supposed to have water! The faucets were clogged; the kitchen faucet even had to be replaced. Boy, was it nice to be able to take a shower and wash dishes like “normal folk”.

I’ve been having health issues again. You may recall I was in the ER in December with swollen legs and numbness. I’ve been taking meds for that but last week I was in the doctor’s office with “leakage” in my legs. Technically, it’s lymphedema and I need a specific treatment which my insurance won’t pay for. That doesn’t surprise me at all, as it’s not the first time I’ve not been able to have the treatment/procedure/medication that I need to improve and protect my health. Anyway, the medical center has sent me forms to apply to a local charity that sometimes pays for things that folks can’t afford. I won’t get my hopes up because if I do, the rug will get pulled out from under me as it always does.

On the bright side, my daughter has given birth to a bouncing baby girl! My baby girl now has her own baby girl and that makes me so happy! On that note, I will leave you with a photo of Miss Angelina Rose!

angelina rose

Lost…and Still Not Found

I’m sick to my stomach… I don’t like this feeling at all. 

Dad and I went to town yesterday but we were both pretty stressed out. You see, Dad has a cash stash that he carries in a bank envelope, tucked into his checkbook when we leave the house. It’s not just a few bucks; not $20, $50, or even $100. It’s considerably more. He says he doesn’t want to leave it in the house in case of a fire or theft, so he takes it with him in that little envelope, tucked into his checkbook. The cash never leaves the car. We lock the car, always. He never takes the cash out; if he needs some cash for lottery tickets or something else he takes it out of the envelope and leaves the rest in the car. It’s not in plain sight. It’s hidden. If he takes his checkbook in the store, he leaves the cash in the car. Yesterday, before we went to town Dad discovered that the little bank envelope was missing. 

He has look everywhere it could be and everywhere he swears it couldn’t be. We looked again after we got home. We have looked with fresh eyes this morning. That cash is nowhere to be found. It was too much money to lose but seems it IS LOST, possibly forever. It could be like the bag of chocolate that disappeared. You might be wondering how much money it was… $1,500. Yes, ONE THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS. 

His memory is getting so bad that this morning he argued with me that it was after we got back from town when he discovered the cash was gone. I had to remind him of our conversation in the car on the way to town about the cash and where it could be. I had to remind him that I was getting ready to go when he was looking in the car, and then he came in to tell me about it. I reminded him that we were both worn out from hunting before we even left. He was still a bit puzzled, as if he didn’t recall any of that. 

It’s sickening that that amount of cash has been lost, but it’s even more sickening that this has happened to my Dad…or should I say IS happening? Just a few weeks ago, he was trying to think of my daughter’s name, his grand daughter, and he literally cried because he couldn’t think of her name until an hour later. It upset him so much that we purchased one of those “brain boosting” supplements. He’s been taking it for a month now and he keeps telling me, “It’s still not working.” I feel so terribly bad for him. 

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I have a hard time taking care of myself sometimes. I shouldn’t be disabled at my age. What will I do if I can’t take care of him? He’ll be 84 in February. He’s keeping a brave face right now, saying, “It’s only money.” That is true but it’s just an awful lot to lose especially during hard times.

Keep a close eye on your elder loved ones. Hug everyone you care about and tell them you love them. They may be here today but tomorrow isn’t a given. 💜