If My Cats Had Human Voices

When I talk to my cats, but mostly when Dad talks to them, I use a different voice for each cat and answer for them. Sounds weird, but it sure makes us laugh!

I got to thinking about the celebrity voices that might fit my cats’ personalities. This is what I came up with:

Kitty, our senior cat.

Kitty, our senior cat, would definitely have the voice of Katharine Hepburn. Kitty has that head-tremor thing going on, sort of. Her head is always bopping around, like a bobble head you’d put in the rear window of your car. And she’s old, like Hepburn in On Golden Pond.

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Honey Bear, Southern Belle

Honey Bear would definitely have a Southern accent. I don’t know why but it just seems right for her. She’d be a little bit of a ding bat and have a lot to say. She would definitely sound like Charlene (Jean Smart) from Designing Women.

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Alice, silent but knowledgeable.

Alice would have the voice of Marisa Tomei from the movie, My Cousin Vinny. Why? Because Alice knows a lot and if she could talk she’d have a lot of important information to pass along. I think she’d be a bit of a tattle-tale, to tell you the truth!

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Jack, tough guy and coward.

Jack was the hardest to figure out. He’s a tough guy, picking fights with the ladies of the house but he’s a big freakin’ coward if someone comes over or just knocks on the door. I chose James Cagney for Jack’s voice. I think it fits. Cagney was a tough guy. If you’ve seen any of his movies you know what I mean.

But then a scene from my favorite Cagney movie fit with Jack’s cowardly side. In this scene of Angels With Dirty Faces, Rocky Sullivan heads to the electric chair but previously his childhood friend, now Priest, begs Rocky for one last favor. You see, there are a group of punk kids who admire Rocky but Father Connolly doesn’t want the boys to follow Rocky’s same path. He doesn’t want the boys to see Rocky as a hero but instead, as a coward.

So, those are the voices my cats would have if they had human voices. What voices would you tag your pets with, if they had human voices?

Fatty McCatty

My name is Honey. Mom calls me Honey Bear, but most of the time she calls me Fatty. Fatty McCatty. I’m a whopping 22 lbs. of CAT. Not fur, like most people think. I’m heavy, and fur doesn’t weigh that much!

It’s been raining an awful lot and I’m not happy about that. Neither is the rest of the gang. Jack and Alice go out on the catio and get wet. Then they come back in bitching. Mom says, “Haven’t you learned anything, you big dummies?” I laugh because I’d rather be fat than dumb! Kitty doesn’t go out on the catio much. I do, but sometimes Jack is mean to me. I don’t know why. I like everybody.

The Monster Under The Bed

I rolled over in bed and looked at the time. It was creeping up on 7am. Good, I can sleep for a bit longer, I thought to myself. I closed my eyes and heard a loud purring. I glanced at the “cat side” of my bed and none of my 4 kitties were there. Being half-asleep, I thought the purring was coming from under my bed. I inched my way toward the side of the bed and looked down over the edge. The purring was even louder now. I asked myself, which cat is that? The next thing I knew, Alice was next to me on my left and looking down over the edge of the bed. I realized she had jumped up on the bed as I rolled over and it was her purring that I was hearing the entire time, unaware that she was even there. I chuckled a little, seeing her looking over the edge of the bed, as I was. Alice nudged me with her cold, wet nose and flopped down next to me, still purring. Moments later, she was at the foot of the bed and stayed there until I was ready to leave my bedroom. Ah, the love of a black cat. ❣

 

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What A Coinkydink!

Yesterday morning I told Dad, “I wish Sammy would come back around so I could give him that food.” I pointed to the 4 big cans of cat food I bought especially for Sammy. He was a stray who started coming around last year. He would come and go but seemed to always end up at my house. I’m not going to let an animal go hungry so he got fed when he was here. I knew he wasn’t going to go hungry because cats are superb hunters, but still… I felt bad when I fed my 4 furkids, knowing that Sammy was just outside the door, maybe wondering why he couldn’t come in and eat, too. So, me being me, I bought some big cans of cat food; cheap stuff my cats won’t touch with a 10-foot pole.

Sammy was a black cat, sweet as could be. He let me pet him, pick him up, brush his fur, and even apply topical flea and tick medication. He was short and stocky with a thick black neck so I’m pretty sure he could kick some cat-butt. In fact, he may have been the one Jack fought with December of 2018 when he was injured because soon after that Sammy showed up.

It rained a lot last year and feeling sorry for Sammy being out in the cold, wet weather, I bought him a medium-sized doghouse. That was mid-June. I secured it to the table on the side of the house so the wind wouldn’t blow it away. Putting it up off the ground kept it up away from critters like opossums and skunks, too. After I bought the doghouse, Sammy never came back. I figured he probably met his demise somehow, most likely a wild animal got him. It became very peaceful out on the “catio” because Sammy wasn’t there to antagonize my cats anymore. They didn’t like him but they were separated by chicken wire, thank goodness.

Around 7:30 yesterday evening I heard a horrific commotion. Cats screaming and fighting is not a good sound, at least not to my ears! My first thought was that Jack found his way out of the catio and he’s being attacked by a wild animal. I was mortified. I went out the door to the catio, and Jack shot in the house through the cat door, fur in a big ol’ fluff. Alice and Honey were out there trying to get to something. I grabbed the flashlight, and lo and behold, there was Sammy. After all these months, he came back!

They were all growling at each other. Jack wanted back out but I made him stay in and rounded the other 2 up and made them come in as well. I closed off the cat door so they couldn’t go out there and get hurt trying to get to Sammy or find a way out of the catio! Either scenario wouldn’t have been good. Kitty sat in the living room all bug-eyed and alert but she never ventured out to the catio. I bet she was thinking what I always say, “I’m too old for this shit.”

My furbabies were pissed at me for keeping them inside all night. Every time I walked that direction they ran to the door. They would just sit there, pouting with their ears cocked. When I went to bed, well after midnight, they were still pouting but had given up on going outside for the night. they settled in for the night and I never heard a meow or scratching all night long. This morning, there was no sign of Sammy so I opened up the cat door. Jack and Alice seemed to smile at me as they pranced out the door.

As I type this tonight, Sammy is nowhere in sight. Honestly, I hope he has gone back from whence he came because obviously, he lives somewhere. Let his owners feed him! I guess I should be careful what I wish for next time. (What a coinkydink ‘eh?!) I was only half-joking about wanting him to come back. It’s nice to know he’s ok but my furbabies don’t need to get so riled up all the time and I’m getting too old for this shit!

Life Is Better With A Cat

It’s absolutely true except when they weave between your feet while you’re trying to put groceries away! One of these days I’m going to fall and as if that’s not bad enough in my condition, I just might land on one of them. That would absolutely kill me.

Another exception is when you have a floor scattered with grocery bags and they’re screaming at you to feed them because you’re an hour and a half late to feed them dinner. God knows they are starving to death with only a partial bowl of kibble left!

I suppose there are other reasons that cats (or any pet) can be a pain in the butt but we love them all the same. You know what makes it all better? The lovins. The purrs. The slow-blink stares. The moments you just get lucky enough to catch on video, like this silly moment of Jack chasing his tail. He stopped for a minute and I didn’t think he would do it anymore since I grabbed my phone but he did for just a second. It’s really hard to get them doing cute or funny things on video. It’s always easy to get photos of them being cute and innocent while they’re sleeping though.