Emotions

I have been trying to write all week. I just can’t seem to focus. I’m feeling overwhelmed with grief, sadness, depression, worry, gratefulness, and so many other emotions lately. It’s hard to concentrate when so many things are going through your mind, constantly.

Depression is probably my biggest enemy this week. Since my pain level has been so high, I’ve had a hard time getting around. It seems that it won’t be long and I won’t be able to walk at all. Then what happens? I try not to think about it. It doesn’t seem to matter to the doctors I’ve seen. They just don’t seem to understand the gravity of my situation. They see my situation on paper, Xrays, MRI’s, etc., but they don’t see ME.

I am still grieving the life I once had. The life that I should have had after my kids were grown has changed into a life of chronic pain, depression, and mobility issues. Not too long ago, I started seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I thought I was finally going to get some help. That idea was shattered like always.

I do have things in my life to be happy about and wonderful things to be grateful for. It’s hard to see those things sometimes because when you’re in constant pain, it over-rides everything. Your world seems to be THE PAIN. Everything you do revolves around THE PAIN. Getting groceries, going out with friends, hanging out with family, spending time with the grandkids….all revolve around the pain level of the day.

I’m very grateful to my friends and family who are praying for me. My circle is small but at least I know who my real friends are. Some of those friends are people I have never met but I trust them more than most people. They are not just friends; they are family and very close to my heart.

Only my friends and family who have chronic illnesses truly understand how difficult life can be. They understand how sadness can overcome you. They understand how much you want to do something and they know why you can’t. Those who do not suffer from a chronic illness have no idea how hard it is to stay positive — but yet they tell me to “Stay positive” all the time. Maybe it’s because they don’t know what else to say, but I wish they wouldn’t say anything at all. I know they mean well, so I don’t hold it against them.

All I can do at the moment is hope that next week is better.

At The End of The Day

Feeling tired and sad tonight, as I sit and think about what’s coming on Monday. This will be the third kitty I have had to put down.

Smokie has kidney disease, just as the first two did. Kidney disease does awful things to kitties. They start losing weight and then have ferocious appetites. It’s the body’s way of maintaining the rapidly decreasing body weight. They urinate often and in very large quantities. They drink a LOT of water.

Since cats have their own distinct personalities, this disease causes their behavior to change in different ways. Fuzzy used to splash water out of the water dishes all the time and was very vocal (extremely loud) about being hungry. Korn stopped grooming himself and was a big matted mess that I couldn’t keep up with. He also stepped in his own pee clumps and got litter on his feet, which hardened later. He was a mess. About a year ago, Smokie decided she wasn’t going to pee in the litter box anymore. She would go outside the box; I mean right outside the box! She pooped in the box just fine. She also started using various places in the house to pee. We have had to put puppy pads in those places and around the litter box.

She is 15 1/2 years old. She’s not had the best life, but she was loved. I called her my “Franken Kitty” for a long time because of her accident. She was just a couple years old when it happened, but she either got hit by a car or kicked by a cow (or horse) but her jaw had been broken and had to be wired for a short time. The trauma to her head messed up her eyesight. She hasn’t been able to see much except shadows ever since. I guess I should have just put her down then… I couldn’t bear it then any more than I can now, but it has to be done. She’s not going to get better and I won’t watch her suffer.

She was the favorite of the litter when she was born. Her coloring was unique (I thought at the time but have seen many cats with that coloring since) and she was a sweetheart. She would catch mice and throw them around in the snow, which was a hilarious sight! She loved the snow. Even after her accident, she wanted to go outside, but she could only go out with supervision and sometimes she’d follow me on my walks. I remember one time, her momma brought her a mouse. I think momma knew there was something wrong with her.

A couple of years ago, we were able to build an enclosure for the cats. I call it the “catio.” The cats, including Smokie, can come and go as they please through the cat door. She loves that freedom. They all do. They spend more time out there than they do in the house. I love that they can go out and be safe.

Smokie will be missed, just as Fuzz and Korn are. I will be left with 4 kitties; Alice, Jack, Honey, & Kitty. Kitty is 12 this year and I hope she has at least 3 or 4 good years left. My heart needs time to heal. I will be taking a few days off from blogging, Facebooking, etc., to grieve. I hope to be back mid-week.

Thank you for reading and thank you for your support and understanding.