Tag Archives: depression

10 Things I Haven’t Done In Six Months

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Like so many people, Dad and I have made staying at home our new normal. Since mid-March, we’ve been keeping a low profile, and it really wasn’t much different than our pre-pandemic lifestyle. We’ve always been homebodies, so we weren’t too concerned about staying home for a few weeks. We spent March 12th -15th getting appointments out of the way, getting medications refilled, picking up groceries and supplies, etc. We had lunch and drinks at our favorite Mexican restaurant. We didn’t think this would be our last time sitting in a restaurant or that this pandemic would still be going on 6 months later!

It’s been lonely, depressing, and boring. I can’t imagine another 6 months of this! Although we don’t live exciting and adventurous lives, we still miss those little things like going to the grocery store or Walmart when we need something, having lunch out, or seeing friends and family on occasion. It’s funny (not-so-funny) the things you miss when you no longer have them.

The following is a list of things I’ve not done since March.

  1. I’ve not been in a grocery store. We always kept our freezers and cupboards stocked even prior to the pandemic, so we didn’t have a lot to get the last time we were out. Mostly all we needed was a few canned goods and we were set for at least 2 months. Thankfully, we’ve been able to get just about everything we’ve needed online since then.
  2. I’ve not been to Walmart. It was always nice to be able to pop in and pick up my medications, try on a few pair of shoes or sweaters, etc., plus the occasional kitchen or bath item. Now, we either do without or find it online.
  3. I’ve not been inside any public establishment. We’ve only been to liquor store, bank, and pharmacy drive-thru windows. We’ve used only curb-side service at out favorite Mexican restaurant, twice. Oh, and we got gas twice in the car and once for the mower.
  4. I’ve not had a haircut. OMG! I need a haircut. I cut my bangs once myself and I’m about to do it again. My hair hasn’t been this long in years. I prefer it short.
  5. I’ve not been out with a friend. I used to meet up with this friend or that friend for lunch and/or a little shopping. Now, I see only one friend periodically while social distancing outside.
  6. I’ve not worn any make up. I never wore much make up before, but now I wear absolutely none! I stopped wearing eye make up several years ago because I can’t see well enough to put it on anymore. But I still wore a little foundation or BB Cream, and maybe some concealer when I planned on going out. If I was feeling exceptionally brave, I might attempt a little mascara with the use of my 10x magnification mirror, but that was rare!
  7. I’ve not had a doctor’s appointment. I saw my Nurse Practitioner on March 12 to have my medications renewed for another year, and had them transferred to a different pharmacy with a drive-thru window. Thankfully, I’ve not had any issues that need a doctor’s attention. Fingers crossed that neither one of us will have to worry about that for a while.
  8. We’ve not taken the car for a check up. Taking Ol’ Blue in for a check up, tune up, or other ‘procedure’ has been postponed indefinitely. We will be needing new tires very soon though, so I need to be thinking about that!
  9. I’ve not taken my furbabies to the vet. My furbabies were due for their vaccinations in May and I’ve put it off. I don’t think I should put it off much longer. I’m feeling very guilty about not doing it. It’s just so stressful thinking about coming into contact with COVID-19 and bringing it home to Dad.
  10. I’ve not been in anyone else’s home. Ugh. I hate not being able to stop in to see someone if I wanted to. I didn’t do a lot of that before for a few reasons: I can’t walk up/down stairs, I always feel like a bother, and with chronic pain being an issue, I just don’t have the energy. It was still nice to have that choice.

Since the above things are not part of my normal life – at least not for a while – I have to occupy my mind with other things. I try to keep my brain sharp (hahaha, if that’s possible!) by doing word puzzles, brain games, and the like. I’ve started another jigsaw puzzle. I’ve been writing more offline – as in personal self-exploration type, and legacy journaling. I’m considering another online class…just can’t decide which one yet! One thing I really need to do more of, is exercise. That’s a hard one for me because of the pain I’m in. It’s so easy to just say, “Not today, maybe tomorrow.” So, on that note, I will leave to go do some exercise on my Air Walker. I just hope I can walk afterwards.

Have a relaxing, SAFE, and fun Labor Day, my friends!

aunt-debbie

What’s Eating Aunt Debbie?

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Well, first of all, I’ve been writing and re-writing this post since Saturday. Every time I read it, I feel like it’s not good enough, sounds stupid, or “that doesn’t make sense.” So, I’m starting over and writing as it comes and if it’s not good enough, too damn bad. If you disagree, then that’s fine. These are my feelings and opinions, and NOT up for debate. 

*When I was growing up, through old movies I watched with my Dad, I learned that it was wrong to shoot or stab someone in the back. It meant that you were a yellow-bellied coward. You should always look your enemy in the eye. Have a fight that is fair. No back-stabbing. No bullets in the back. It all seemed so logical at the time and it still does.

Why would you shoot someone in the back anyway? Unless you were a yellow-bellied coward… 

Fast forward to 2020, August 23rd to be exact. A young black man, father of 6 children, was shot 7 times at close range….IN THE BACK! Jacob Blake is his name. He is paralyzed and will have life-long issues. Three of his children watched their father being shot in the back by a police officer.

Police officers need to be trained better! They need to be taught to never shoot a man in the back! What a cowardly thing to do. I don’t care if Mr. Blake had a knife or not. I don’t care what his past was. (No, he did NOT rape a child.) He didn’t deserve to be shot in the back! I don’t care if there was a struggle. A person walking away or running away poses no threat to police officers. If Mr. Blake had a gun and was shooting at the police as he ran away, then that would be a different story. But he didn’t have a gun. The officer who fired those shots was following Mr. Blake at very close range. That officer also put 3 of Mr. Blake’s young children in danger! They watched from the backseat of the vehicle in horror as their father was shot! What if one or more of those bullets had missed Mr. Blake and ricocheted, hitting one of those children? 

This event and others like it, are occurring more often in this country and it sickens me. Kyle Rittenhouse killed two people and injured others, but he’s alive. Had he been black, they would have shot him dead. I could list dozens of incidents but it’s exhausting to even think about it. I’m so disillusioned and disappointed in people. I do support police officers. They do a dangerous job in protecting the public but ANY police officer who shoots a man in the back should be held accountable and by that, I mean fired. PERIOD.

*On the subject of COVID-19, I’m sick to death of hearing our POTUS continually ignore science and experts in the field. What the hell is wrong with him?! 6 million people have tested positive for COVID-19 in the US. OVER 183,000 of those people have DIED. Now, I’ve heard him pushing herd immunity. It’s just another attempt at ignoring the severity of the COVID-19 problem.

Scientists say that in order to achieve herd immunity, 50% to 70% of the United States population would need to be immune (either by infection or vaccination) to stop the spread. That’s 165 million to 230 million people! The death rate from this virus is about 1%, which sounds like such a small number BUT that could mean 2.3 million people in the US would have to die. Some research suggests that herd immunity could be achieved at just 20% of the population. That would mean 600,000 people would die.

Haven’t we had enough deaths in this country? 

 

*I’m disgusted with Trump for so many reasons… Too many to list here, although that post may come some time in the near future. I just can’t understand WHY it’s so easy for Trump’s followers to believe that Joe Biden is a terrible person and unworthy of the title of POTUS… but so difficult for them to believe that Trump is a despicable, dishonest, racist, ignorant, narcissistic, hateful human being when it’s all laid out for the entire world to see. 

*On a personal note, my littlest grandchild, Hudson, turned 2 years old yesterday. His party is Saturday and unfortunately, Dad and I won’t be going. If you follow my blog, then you may recall that my Dad is 83 years old and at high risk for contracting COVID-19. A birthday party is just not a risk we’re willing to take. This terrible virus is affecting us all. I’m not one to ignore science, neither is Dad, so we continue to stay home.

Depression comes and goes but we are doing more to occupy our minds. Jigsaw puzzles, crossword puzzles and other word games, movies and tv series’ keep us busy. So does food, but I won’t mention the tendency to overeat or the weight I’ve gained! On the flip side, Dad has lost weight. He’s getting so skinny and try as I might to get him to eat more, he just doesn’t have much of an appetite. It could be the heat, too, so thankfully we’re looking at some cooler temps as we enter into the Fall season…or more commonly known in my house as “Sweater Weather.”

Signing off for now. Be good to yourselves. 

Wednesday? Right?

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It has been a while since I have written anything. I can’t get motivated and nothing inspires me these days. I’ve been in a great deal of pain, so that doesn’t help. Along with the pain comes depression. It’s depressing to be disabled but add to that the fact that we are staying home and each day is the same as the next. Every day I ask, “What freakin’ day is it?”

I missed last Friday’s Funnies post. I looked in my file and found 3 whole funny memes and I didn’t have it in me to look for more. Nothing seems funny lately. Maybe this week will be better but I doubt it. I still have only 3 memes.

I miss my life, such as it was, prior to the pandemic. I didn’t do much then but it was more than I’m able to do now. At least then I had nothing stopping me from going to the grocery store, Walmart, or wherever I wanted to go. Dad and I miss our Saturday outings for lunch. Who would have thought that one day a week in a Mexican restaurant would mean so much?

I made my famous-not-so-famous Stuffed Bell Peppers yesterday. I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. It was rough but my peppers turned out delicious and were made possible by a great friend who went to the store for me. She picked up bananas, too so that I can make my Granny’s Banana Bread. It’s actually more like cake because it’s heavy and sweet. The items my friend picked up were things I can’t get online. Since I live out in the middle of nowhere, stores won’t deliver and our local Walmart doesn’t do curbside pickup. Thankfully, we can survive without the items I can’t get online! 

Well, for now I have nothing else to write and the hummingbirds are waiting for their sweet water for the day. They drink it almost as fast as I can make it! 

Have a great day!

Makin’ A List

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The holidays are not what they used to be…at least for me. I used to enjoy the holidays when my kids were small. The joy and wonder, the anticipation was worth all the hassle of decorating, shopping, wrapping gifts and hiding them, etc. It was fun to help the kids make gifts and goodies for Santa! We had our traditions; the cookie baking, the homemade pizzas, popcorn cake, and pizza balls. That was all on Christmas Eve! The kids got to open a gift that night and leave cookies for Santa. We watched Christmas movies and had lots of laughs! I always made a big ham dinner on Christmas Day, along with tons and tons of appetizers that we got full of before we even had dinner! The kids enjoyed all of it and so did I.

The kids got older, became harder to shop for, harder to please. You know, pre-teens and teenagers. They no longer believed in Santa Claus. Ok, so before someone decides to educate me on the true meaning of Christmas, don’t. I’m quite aware. I’m not a religious person but I always taught my kids “the reason for the season.” But that’s not what this post is about.

About 11 years ago, certain events changed the way I thought things would be in our family. On top of that, chronic pain has invaded my every move, my every thought and…my everything. It’s rough. I was able to spend a little time with my son, his wife and the littlest grandson on Christmas Eve and I enjoyed every minute of it but I thought my house would be full of kids’ laughter and play, during the holidays. Depression, loneliness, and sadness always sets in.

I try not to succumb to the depression but it’s hard. I eat too much, don’t sleep enough, and I cry a lot when I’m alone. During the holidays, I try so very hard to hide my sadness and put a smile on my face. I’m not able to do the cooking I used to do. My son made the popcorn cake for Christmas Eve this year but he didn’t have time to make the pizza balls. That’s ok though, we still had pizza; it was frozen pizza but it was still good. I threw a ham in the oven on Christmas Day and opened a can of baked beans, which was fine because it was just me and Dad. Still, not what this post is about.

I bet you’re thinking, “Damn, I wish she’d get to the point!” I’m getting there, I promise.

Every year I try to make myself feel more festive and happy by giving gifts to others. GIVING TO OTHERS makes me feel good about who I am and I love to make gifts. This year, I crocheted over a dozen gifts for family. I carefully chose the yarn color and pattern/design I thought was perfect for each person. I worked my ass off, sometimes ripping out a design that just didn’t look good and starting over. I put my heart and soul into everything I made. It felt good to do it and I’m not sorry I did, but I’ll tell you what…

I’m makin’ a list…

woman s hand using a pen noting on notepad

Photo by Kaboompics .com on Pexels.com

I’m making a list for next year and if anyone wonders why they didn’t get anything from me then maybe they should think about Christmas 2019 when they didn’t even have the common decency to send me a simple text to thank me for their gift. It takes just seconds!! What a bunch of ungrateful shits in my family. And this does not apply to young children. It applies to adults; young adults and older adults.

I didn’t make the gifts for the thanks, just to be clear. But it would be nice to be recognized and appreciated. I busted my ass to get everything finished and shipped in time for Christmas. It really hurts my feelings that only 3 people thought to thank me for their gift. Next year, I’ll be sending my handmade crocheted items to people who might actually appreciate it…perhaps the Nursing Home, a homeless shelter, or the children’s hospital. Maybe I’ll just make scarves for all the homeless dogs and cats in the area!

dog wearing crochet scarf with fringe while sitting on snow selective focus photography

Photo by Benjamin Lehman on Pexels.com

Wah, Wah, Wah, Wah, Wah…

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This afternoon I started feeling crappy. My throat was scratchy and I kept clearing my throat. That turned into a little cough and I hope I can fight it off because I have an appointment tomorrow to get my hair cut. I’m in desperate need of one, that’s for sure!

Anyway, about the time I started feeling crappy the phone rang. It was some woman from my doctor’s office. Let’s say her name is Mary because I can’t remember what her name was. Mary introduced herself and told me where she was calling from. She said she had been going through the records of patients and was trying to reach out to all those who had been diagnosed with depression. She explained that she knew how depression felt and what it can do to your life because she had been diagnosed with depression some time ago.

She started talking about all the effects and how we can try and combat depression by doing this, that, and the other. I kind of zoned out because she was literally starting to piss me off. She never let me get a word in edge-wise! All I started to hear was the sound of Charlie Brown’s mom: wah, wah, wah, wah, wah!

About the time she said that one way to help depression in the winter was to sit by a window with the sun coming through. I interrupted her, “Is there something you want?” She kept talking about how hard it is to deal with depression. I said, “I have a therapist, thank you very much. What do you want?” Again, more about depression. I added, “I am managing my depression just fine, thank you.” Wah, wah, wah, wah…

She just wouldn’t shut up! I said, “Unless you’re giving away free trips to Scotland, I’m not interested,” and I hung up. I don’t know why this doctor’s office thought it would be ok for someone to start calling people like that but I’m going to give them a piece of my mind tomorrow. Wanting to help people is one thing but a) there is a therapist listed in my records (who is no longer in practice but they don’t know that) and b) this call was unsolicited and I had never been seen at this particular doctor’s office for depression so there was no reason for the call, in my opinion. Oh, and c) PRIVACY ISSUES! I don’t know if she was a nurse, or if she even really worked there.

I expected Mary to call back but she didn’t. Have you ever had someone call you back after you hung up on them? I have, once. Funny story, actually. This was back when I was running a Day Care for kids in my home and I was busier than a cat covering up shit. I get this call from a man doing a survey about political bullcrap. I answered a few questions and I said, “Look, I’m very busy and I don’t have time for this.” He said he would just need a few more minutes of my time. I said, “My time is MY TIME and I don’t have time for a damn survey.” I hung up. After less than a minute, the phone rang again. I answered and the man said, “Ma’am, I’d like to finish this survey.” I said, “Oh, you would, would you? Well, you can go fuck yourself and DO NOT call here again!” I hung up again. Can you believe the nerve? And don’t worry, none of the kids in my care were in earshot of what I said!