Tag Archives: chronic pain

Pushing Through, Again

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The pain new medication I started a week ago seemed like it was helping with the arthritis in my legs but wasn’t doing much for my knees. I had every intention of giving it at least 2 weeks, but after a week I realized the pain in my knees was worse. I was using the wheelchair for the last 2 days because the pain was so severe.

I didn’t sleep well last night due to a burning sensation in my knees and I woke up feeling like I could just take a nice leap off a cliff…. I didn’t like the depressed mood I was in. I called my NP as soon as the office opened.

She told me I could stop taking the Celebrex and that she would call in my Diclofenac, the pain medication I had been taking for the last 6 years or so. I realized it must have been working better than I thought. I was feeling its absence, most definitely.

I had some Diclofenac left from before I started the Celebrex so I took one at my usual time. Within 4 hours, I was feeling a little less pain. Now, it’s that time of the day when my pain level is higher and I have a harder time doing things, so I should be in better shape tomorrow morning. We’ll see. I will need to go pick up my prescription soon.

I am seriously tired of being in pain 24/7 but I keep pushing through it because the alternative is worse. I can’t give up. I can’t quit.

The NP & A Little Hope

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I was unexpectedly and pleasantly surprised by my visit with a Nurse Practitioner today! I went in expecting to be pissed off upon leaving, but not this time! (Seems I always have problems with so-called professionals, so I wasn’t expecting anything positive!)

The NP agreed that I needed to have a TSH before she refilled my script. She surprised me when she asked how my pain medication was working. I told her that I can tell when I don’t take it, but it doesn’t work like it used to. I’ve been on it for about 6 years and I’m sure my body has built up resistance by now. She agreed. She asked me if I had ever tried anything else and my answer surprised her. I told her how I had tried to get something different from the doctor who prescribed my current meds and that she told me, “There isn’t anything else you can take.” THAT was complete bull squirt. I knew it then and it was confirmed by the NP today. She said that was a stupid thing for her to say. I agreed and told her a little about my background; I worked as a Medication Technician at a nursing home and I didn’t get that job because I was stupid. I got it because I worked hard, studied hard and trained. I may not know it all, but I’m sure as hell not stupid. So, I knew there were other medications for pain that I could try.

So, the NP switched up my medication to something else – also an anti-inflammatory but it works differently than my current medication. I am so relieved to have found someone who actually shows an interest in whether my meds are working for me and actually wants to help!

While I had her attention, I asked her about my sleeping problem. I’m lucky if I get 5 hours of sleep at night and it’s not restorative sleep by a long shot! It’s broken sleep. I might sleep for 45 minutes before waking up to reposition. If I’m lucky I might sleep a whole hour before waking. As if that isn’t bad enough, the intense pain I endure all day long makes my body so tense that it sometimes takes me 2 or 3 hours to even fall asleep. I’ve tried over-the-counter sleep aids and sometimes they help, sometimes they don’t. The NP seemed to understand exactly what I was telling her and suggested something that might help. She said it was originally an anti-depressant (technically still is) but it seems to help people with sleep more than it helps with depression. I’ll try it and if it helps me with the depression, too, then that’s a plus. My depression isn’t as bad as it used to be, thanks to my therapist, but it still resurfaces sometimes.

I’m not sure if I’ll get to the pharmacy tomorrow to pick up my meds due to the expectation of freezing drizzle, as they call it. But I’m excited to try something new! Maybe my everyday chores and personal care tasks won’t be so damn difficult for me.

I’ll even settle for a little less difficult….

Emotions

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I have been trying to write all week. I just can’t seem to focus. I’m feeling overwhelmed with grief, sadness, depression, worry, gratefulness, and so many other emotions lately. It’s hard to concentrate when so many things are going through your mind, constantly.

Depression is probably my biggest enemy this week. Since my pain level has been so high, I’ve had a hard time getting around. It seems that it won’t be long and I won’t be able to walk at all. Then what happens? I try not to think about it. It doesn’t seem to matter to the doctors I’ve seen. They just don’t seem to understand the gravity of my situation. They see my situation on paper, Xrays, MRI’s, etc., but they don’t see ME.

I am still grieving the life I once had. The life that I should have had after my kids were grown has changed into a life of chronic pain, depression, and mobility issues. Not too long ago, I started seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I thought I was finally going to get some help. That idea was shattered like always.

I do have things in my life to be happy about and wonderful things to be grateful for. It’s hard to see those things sometimes because when you’re in constant pain, it over-rides everything. Your world seems to be THE PAIN. Everything you do revolves around THE PAIN. Getting groceries, going out with friends, hanging out with family, spending time with the grandkids….all revolve around the pain level of the day.

I’m very grateful to my friends and family who are praying for me. My circle is small but at least I know who my real friends are. Some of those friends are people I have never met but I trust them more than most people. They are not just friends; they are family and very close to my heart.

Only my friends and family who have chronic illnesses truly understand how difficult life can be. They understand how sadness can overcome you. They understand how much you want to do something and they know why you can’t. Those who do not suffer from a chronic illness have no idea how hard it is to stay positive — but yet they tell me to “Stay positive” all the time. Maybe it’s because they don’t know what else to say, but I wish they wouldn’t say anything at all. I know they mean well, so I don’t hold it against them.

All I can do at the moment is hope that next week is better.

Suffering With Chronic Pain

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Most people don’t understand chronic pain and how it affects a person’s life. They will never understand until it happens to them. I don’t wish that on anyone! Most chronic pain sufferers have at least one well-meaning friend who is always trying to find a cure for their ailment or pain. The effort is much appreciated but it’s all in vain. Most of us with chronic pain have tried just about everything…because…do you think we WANT to live with debilitating pain? Of course we don’t! We have tried almost everything we can to make our lives more bearable, to no avail.

I have Osteoarthritis and Degenerative Bone Disease, specifically in my knees. I am in Stage 4, which results in the loss of cartilage in the joint. There is NO CURE, only treatments to manage the symptoms. The bone-on-bone friction associated with this can cause severe symptoms, such as:

  1. Swelling/Inflammation – Synovial fluid can increase, which normally helps reduce friction with movement but large amounts can cause swelling in the joint. Fragments of broken cartilage can cause increased swelling and pain.
  2. Severe Pain – Pain during movement, and during rest and sleep. By the end of the day, after use of the joints, more swelling occurs and pain is increased.
  3. Decreased Range of Motion – Movements are slow, with stiffness and pain making it hard to enjoy daily activities.
  4. Joint Instability – The joints become less stable; knees can “lock up” or just plain give out, which can result in a fall or injury.
  5. Weakened Muscles – As joints continue to wear down the muscles become weaker, bone spurs can develop and bone deformity can occur. (My legs are bowed, more so the left.) With weakened muscles also comes an increased risk of falls.

Some of the words I have used to describe my pain are sharp, gnawing, throbbing, stabbing, burning, excruciating, grinding, locking, stiffness, dull, tightening, and debilitating. Sounds fun, ‘eh?

This disease causes severe pain but also affects your life in other ways:

  1. Sleep Disturbances – Interferes with restorative sleep. It’s difficult to find a comfortable position, and it’s painful to even move.
  2. Weight Gain – With chronic pain, you tend to move less so it’s easier to put on extra weight. Pain makes it difficult to exercise or just have an active life.
  3. Anxiety and Depression – With chronic pain you tend to have difficulties performing normal everyday tasks like cleaning and laundry, showering, dressing, grocery shopping, walking, reaching, cooking, stairs, standing in lines, and much more. These are things we take for granted when we’re physically able; we don’t even think twice when doing them. When those simple little tasks become a struggle, it has a negative effect on our mental health. Enter depression and anxiety. It’s all so exhausting!

So, I guess I’m just trying to help others understand the struggle of living with a debilitating disease and chronic pain. Everyone’s struggle might be different but we are all the same. We are suffering, even if we don’t show it on the outside. We try to hide it from others. We try to be “normal” like everyone else. Some days we try. Sometimes we succeed. Sometimes we fail.

Some days, we just CAN’T.