Tag Archives: mental health

Thoughts & Revelations

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Today is the 67th day Dad and I have stayed home. Other than hitting the liquor store, the bank, and the pharmacy drive-thru windows, that is. I’ve had many thoughts over the past couple of months and I thought maybe I should put them in writing. It’s been difficult to get back to writing in my blog and it has taken me 3 weeks to finish this post. There have been days of anger, days of sadness, and days where I have been completely drained and discouraged, but I have finally completed the task! I just hope it’s coherent. Hahaha.

Just to be clear, these are MY thoughts and MY opinions and no one else’s. If you don’t agree then fine, don’t agree. Just move on…

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1. We are a nation of spoiled brats. That’s right, I said it. People are up in arms about being asked to stay home, and now, after states opening up again people are being absolutely hateful for being required to wear a mask before entering an establishment. That proves nothing except how spoiled they are. The me, me, me mentality rears its ugly head. Wearing a mask or staying home to save lives or at least to slow the advancement of a deadly virus is just an inconvenience! Nothing more. AN INCONVENIENCE, TEMPORARY. I am sickened by the headlines of violence taking place because of a mere inconvenience. And don’t give me your cockamamy bullshit about your rights being violated. It’s your right to go out and contract COVID-19 but it’s not your right to put others in danger in any way, shape, or form. It won’t kill you to wear a mask because you may be asymptomatic and not know it, therefore spreading the virus.

2. I have learned that I don’t need as much as I thought I did. In order to avoid stores, I managed to buy most things online and if I couldn’t find a certain item, then I’d just go without. Even toilet paper. Yep. Even toilet paper. I purchased UNpaper toilet paper and UNpaper paper towels from an Etsy shop. UNpaper products are made from cloth, in case you’ve not heard of this before. Use, wash, reuse. Simple as that. No stress about finding paper products online or in the stores.

3. I’ve learned that I’m perfectly fine with fewer friends. I’ve recently cut ties with people I’ve known much of my life because I’ve had it with their attitudes. I can handle differences of opinions. I don’t mind a discussion over different views, however, when I state my opinion on a subject and someone decides that I must not know “x, y, or z” and they make it a point to say “you may not know this but…” or “but what you don’t understand is…” it really pisses me the fuck off. I mean, just because my opinion is different does NOT mean that I don’t know something, or that I don’t have all the facts! Of course, I don’t know everything and I may not have all the facts, but just because my opinion is different than someone else’s doesn’t mean that a person (who claimed to be a friend) has the right to invalidate my opinion by assuming that I mustn’t know “x, y, or z.” I don’t have time for such nonsense.

4. Regarding doing research… It cracks me up when people read an article put out by the CDC and then start telling people to do their own research. Wtf is up with that?  Do they really think that ANY research that I (or they) do can beat the research put forth by the CDC? By scientists? Ridiculous! The CDC has been in existence for nearly 75 years and its sole purpose has been to research communicable diseases and protect public health. I think they know a little more than some idiot who spent 2 hours watching YouTube videos!

5. I’ve seen some very inspirational stories of people lending a helping hand; donations, delivering groceries to the elderly, kids using their own saved money to purchase items for the needy, people handing out toilet paper from the trunk of their vehicles, and the list goes on. Why can’t everyone be so selfless? Instead, they purchase items that they may already have at home, leaving shelves empty and someone else to go without. Shameful.

6. Over the years you’ve heard people complain about store clerks and fast-food employees wanting higher wages; living wages. And during the stay-at-home time those essential workers have put themselves and their families’ lives at risk so we could have the groceries, paper products, etc., that we need. Don’t you think they would have liked to stay home to prevent illness? They weren’t afforded that luxury if they wanted to keep their jobs. Don’t you think they would have liked to protect their families? So, let’s just give them a higher damn wage because they deserve it!

7. That brings me to the fact that nurses, doctors, CNAs, cleaning crew, lab personnel, technicians, EMTs, police, firemen, etc., have all put their lives on hold and in danger to take care of us. They have families, too. Many of them stayed away from their families and probably still are staying away, so as not to expose their spouses and children to COVID-19. I am very much in awe of each and every one of them because quite honestly, I’m not sure that I would have been that selfless. They are the heroes. We all owe them a huge THANK YOU.

8. Most of us like to think that we are self-sufficient and for many things we are. But during a pandemic like the one we are experiencing, we are realizing how much we really do depend on others. It’s hard handling things alone. We need each other. We are in this together.

9. I can’t even begin to imagine how women and children in abusive relationships have felt being locked down with their abusers. Kids, whose only respite was to go to school, who have been suddenly stuck at home, are suffering at the hands of some abusive narcissist.

10. I have anxiety and depression to deal with but I can’t imagine having those issues or worse with no one to lean on. Can you imagine living alone and being quarantined with no one for support? Mental Health is always very important but during this time it is especially important so if you know someone who has issues, please reach out to them. You could be their only lifeline.

11. This pandemic is enough to cause panic, anxiety, depression, etc. People panic when they feel they no longer have control of their own lives. This is why hoarding was so out of control, and still may be in some places. Anxieties build up, depression swallows. Be kind. Be thoughtful. Be helpful.

12. Teachers and schools have stepped up during this time and delivered food to their students, provided lessons online, and I’ll bet you’ve seen stories of teachers going the extra mile to help their students with their studies while stuck at home. They’re so amazing!

13. And one final thought: Those who are spreading conspiracy theories need to STOP! We have enough on our plates already. Stop making things worse!

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I’m not sure that Dad and I will feel safe to go out for a few more months, but who knows. Maybe that second wave won’t happen. Maybe things will go back to a somewhat normal way of life. We can only hope…

woman in white long sleeve shirt holding lemon fruit

Photo by Anna Shvets on Pexels.com

 

Yes, I Have Changed

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Chronic pain and I have been well acquainted for about a decade now. I’m not happy with that at all. I’d like to kick its sorry ass to the curb.

I try my damnedest to put on a brave face, to smile around others; to not allow pain to ruin my life but I’ve been unsuccessful. Sure, in the beginning, it was easy. In the beginning, the pain wasn’t constant and didn’t reverberate throughout my entire body.

I’m writing this not for sympathy but for understanding. So many people don’t understand what it’s like to live with constant debilitating pain. They don’t know what it’s like to not be able to do the simplest of tasks; the tasks you once did when you were younger or before the pain took over your body. They have no idea how difficult life is for a person with chronic pain.

I’m not lazy. I’m in too much pain to do chores like you. I’m not unsociable. I just can’t put on a brave face or a smile and enjoy someone’s company most days. It’s not that I don’t want to see my friends or family, I’m just in too much pain. Pain is exhausting! I do care, more than you will ever know but most days, I get out of bed and do only what I MUST do, like shower, do a load of laundry, or fix something to eat. I only leave the house to do what MUST be done like pick up groceries, go to the doctor or some other appointment. Once a week Dad likes to go out and eat. I go with him because it’s the only thing HE does or WANTS to do these days. He’s not going to be around forever. He’s going to be 83 years old in February. I want him to do the things he likes to do, even if it kills me.

I just can’t be the person I used to be. Pain has changed me. Chronic pain affects your mental health, changes your moods, behaviors, the way you interact with people, and even your personality. People try to help with their sure-fire remedies but they don’t understand. They think you’re not trying to get better or not doing anything to help yourself. You stop socializing. Family retreats because they can’t help you or don’t know what to say. You become more and more isolated, from friends, loved ones…and LIFE. You’re now saddled with not just pain, but loneliness and sadness. You feel unnecessary. Your life is not what you envisioned it to be. You can’t really see a future for yourself.

I hope that if you know someone who suffers from a chronic illness, that you might be a little more understanding of their situation. Offer to help with chores. Let them know they’re necessary and important to you. Understand that they do care about YOU. Make them laugh with a funny story. Help them feel that they matter. Help them to feel less isolated and lonely.

As I mentioned before, I’m not writing this for sympathy. Writing helps me – like meditation might help someone else. I write to convey a message, or just to get things off my chest. Sometimes, I can connect with others in similar situations and maybe offer moral support. I’m thankful for all those people who help or have helped me in the past, be it moral support or something else.

Goodbyes

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I had my last appointment with my therapist last week. She gave me the head’s up a couple of months prior. She had been offered a wonderful opportunity and was working out the details with the powers that be. I was (and still am) thrilled for her because this seemed like exactly what she needed. I was also pretty bummed that after 6 years I would be alone in dealing with “the shit” life has thrown my way. Saying goodbye was not something I was looking forward to. I despise goodbyes! But I started thinking about how this is a goodbye to the psychologist but not to my friend. Dr. M has been more than just a psychologist. She has been my friend. 

Dr. M has helped me to recover the tools I need to deal with the shit that has been thrown at me and any future shit coming my way. I had the tools all along but I forgot how to use them. She has helped me to realize that any guilt or shame that I carried (from certain events) were not mine to carry. She helped me to identify the toxic relationships in my life and gave me the courage to set boundaries and let go of those who weren’t respectful of those boundaries. I’ve learned many things from Dr. M and I am so grateful to have had her guidance for 6 years. It was awesome to share a few laughs along the way, too.

Someone asked me recently, “Are you ok? Do you feel abandoned?” The answer is, “Yes, I’m ok,” and an absolute “No, I don’t feel abandoned at all.” Dr. M will give me a referral if I need one. I know I’ll still be in touch with her because she’s my friend. I have her cell phone number and her email. I know I am stronger now and I have the tools to deal with the shit that flies in my direction. I’m not worried about my mental health anymore. I’m going to be just fine. 

Before leaving my last appointment, (which began with so much laughter that my Dad heard us from the waiting area) Dr. M and I talked about having lunch sometime since we are no longer therapist/client. The appointment ended with a hug…and more laughter! It’s been great but now it’s on to bigger and better things for her… and I’m making some plans of my own. 

10 Things I Have Learned With My Therapist’s Help

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I’ve been seeing a therapist for the last 6 years. I never thought I would do this, not in a million years but I was tied up in knots, grief, sadness, depression, anger, and a whole lot of other detrimental emotions. I had to do something because I was sinking deeper and deeper.

I always thought, “Why do I need a therapist when I have friends and family to talk to about my problems?” The problem was that my friends and family were too close to the situation. I needed someone who was unbiased and professional. I needed guidance and I needed perspective from an outsider. I needed someone who would be honest with me but wouldn’t judge me, no matter what I told her.

That’s exactly what I got. The first therapist I saw is the same therapist I am seeing now. She has helped me more than I can even express in words. After just 1 year I was in a much better place emotionally and mentally. With each passing year, I have become much stronger and able to cope with the emotions I must deal with on a day to day basis. The issues now are of my pain and mobility, which are just as detrimental as the issues of 6 years ago but I’m strong enough now to handle it. Thanks to my therapist, I have learned a lot of things to help me on my journey and I think I will always hear her voice in the back of my mind guiding me and challenging me. I’d like to share with you those things in hopes of encouraging others to seek therapy if needed because it certainly does help!

  1. I am able to identify and handle my triggers, those things that cause me anxiety or sadness. I now know how to refocus my attention on other things or prepare myself emotionally beforehand.
  2. I have learned several different methods of breathing to help me to relax or calm down when I become anxious or even when I need to fall asleep.
  3. I learned that I do not have to engage with people who are being belligerent or unpleasant in some way. I do not have to participate in confrontational conversations, nor do I have to take someone else’s abuse or accusations.  I hold the power to walk away or not respond. I end conversations that are rude and condescending. Why perpetuate the problem?
  4. I have learned that I am my own worst enemy! I am always second-guessing myself, making unrealistic demands of myself, comparing myself to others, over-thinking, and I’m very critical of everything I do. I have learned to curtail the urge to do these things! It’s hard sometimes, but I realize that I don’t have to be perfect.
  5. I have always known that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. But what I didn’t realize was that it was ok to NOT be someone’s go-to person for help and advice. I learned that those people sucked the energy right out of me and that I had the right to take care of me and say, “NO.” I let go of toxic people and made my life easier.
  6. I learned that my grief and sadness were valid. I had been through the wringer, as they say, and I had been carrying so much guilt and shame for things that #1) I didn’t do and #2) that were beyond my control. My therapist validated my feelings and helped me to realize that I could let go of those emotions because the guilt and shame were not mine to bear. Validation and a new perspective on things really do help!
  7. I have always been a people-pleaser. I’ve neglected myself for so many years in the past because I felt that others’ needs were more important. I always considered my children’s needs to be of more importance than my own needs when they were growing up, but there were still times I could have put my needs higher on the list. I have since stopped making everyone else a priority and am focusing on taking care of me! I am not responsible for anyone other than myself. My kids are grown and can take care of themselves. It’s time for me to take care of me. Of course, I still look out for my Dad. He’s almost 82 years old and needs a watchful eye at times, but for the most part, he takes care of himself.
  8. I’m an analytical thinker. I use information and evidence, as well as my own personal experiences to solve problems and form my own opinions. I am a logical thinker, so when people do stupid things it blows my freakin’ mind! I try to see both sides of an issue, which most people refuse to do – they believe what they believe and there is no room in their minds for any other position or way of thinking. I learned with the help of my therapist, that having an analytical mind creates conflict in that I can’t bond with others who don’t think as I do. Does that make sense? It’s very difficult for me to create friendships with people who don’t see things the same way I do. And that’s OK. I don’t dislike those people, I just can’t bond with them in the way that I would with someone of like-minded thinking.
  9. I have learned that it’s ok to cry. I grew up being ridiculed for being sensitive and for crying. Thanks, Mom. To this day, I avoid movies, songs, situations (like funerals, even weddings) because I feel ashamed to cry, especially in front of others. My feelings are just as important as anyone else’s and if I feel like crying then so be it. At least I can show sympathy and empathy for others, which is more than I can say for some people.
  10. Throw away the “should have, would have, could have” mentality. I’ve had this thought many times when I was dealing with past issues. It does nothing but waste time. This is a negative, unproductive way of thinking. The past is the past. It’s best to look forward and focus on the here and now. Otherwise, you’ll be stuck in a place you don’t want to be. My therapist is a wise woman. She brought me out of that place and I’m not going back. EVER.

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So, these are just some of the things I’ve learned seeing my therapist. Of course, most of them I already knew (and I don’t know if this will make sense to you) but I was unaware. I was unaware of what I was doing and not doing in regards to my own mental health. Now I am more mindful of what I’m doing and thinking, and I am committed to myself.

Because I’m worth it. And so are you. If you are struggling, please don’t be ashamed or embarrassed to seek out help. You are worth it!

 

Suffering With Chronic Pain

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Most people don’t understand chronic pain and how it affects a person’s life. They will never understand until it happens to them. I don’t wish that on anyone! Most chronic pain sufferers have at least one well-meaning friend who is always trying to find a cure for their ailment or pain. The effort is much appreciated but it’s all in vain. Most of us with chronic pain have tried just about everything…because…do you think we WANT to live with debilitating pain? Of course we don’t! We have tried almost everything we can to make our lives more bearable, to no avail.

I have Osteoarthritis and Degenerative Bone Disease, specifically in my knees. I am in Stage 4, which results in the loss of cartilage in the joint. There is NO CURE, only treatments to manage the symptoms. The bone-on-bone friction associated with this can cause severe symptoms, such as:

  1. Swelling/Inflammation – Synovial fluid can increase, which normally helps reduce friction with movement but large amounts can cause swelling in the joint. Fragments of broken cartilage can cause increased swelling and pain.
  2. Severe Pain – Pain during movement, and during rest and sleep. By the end of the day, after use of the joints, more swelling occurs and pain is increased.
  3. Decreased Range of Motion – Movements are slow, with stiffness and pain making it hard to enjoy daily activities.
  4. Joint Instability – The joints become less stable; knees can “lock up” or just plain give out, which can result in a fall or injury.
  5. Weakened Muscles – As joints continue to wear down the muscles become weaker, bone spurs can develop and bone deformity can occur. (My legs are bowed, more so the left.) With weakened muscles also comes an increased risk of falls.

Some of the words I have used to describe my pain are sharp, gnawing, throbbing, stabbing, burning, excruciating, grinding, locking, stiffness, dull, tightening, and debilitating. Sounds fun, ‘eh?

This disease causes severe pain but also affects your life in other ways:

  1. Sleep Disturbances – Interferes with restorative sleep. It’s difficult to find a comfortable position, and it’s painful to even move.
  2. Weight Gain – With chronic pain, you tend to move less so it’s easier to put on extra weight. Pain makes it difficult to exercise or just have an active life.
  3. Anxiety and Depression – With chronic pain you tend to have difficulties performing normal everyday tasks like cleaning and laundry, showering, dressing, grocery shopping, walking, reaching, cooking, stairs, standing in lines, and much more. These are things we take for granted when we’re physically able; we don’t even think twice when doing them. When those simple little tasks become a struggle, it has a negative effect on our mental health. Enter depression and anxiety. It’s all so exhausting!

So, I guess I’m just trying to help others understand the struggle of living with a debilitating disease and chronic pain. Everyone’s struggle might be different but we are all the same. We are suffering, even if we don’t show it on the outside. We try to hide it from others. We try to be “normal” like everyone else. Some days we try. Sometimes we succeed. Sometimes we fail.

Some days, we just CAN’T.