Category Archives: Bad Days

Makin’ A List

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The holidays are not what they used to be…at least for me. I used to enjoy the holidays when my kids were small. The joy and wonder, the anticipation was worth all the hassle of decorating, shopping, wrapping gifts and hiding them, etc. It was fun to help the kids make gifts and goodies for Santa! We had our traditions; the cookie baking, the homemade pizzas, popcorn cake, and pizza balls. That was all on Christmas Eve! The kids got to open a gift that night and leave cookies for Santa. We watched Christmas movies and had lots of laughs! I always made a big ham dinner on Christmas Day, along with tons and tons of appetizers that we got full of before we even had dinner! The kids enjoyed all of it and so did I.

The kids got older, became harder to shop for, harder to please. You know, pre-teens and teenagers. They no longer believed in Santa Claus. Ok, so before someone decides to educate me on the true meaning of Christmas, don’t. I’m quite aware. I’m not a religious person but I always taught my kids “the reason for the season.” But that’s not what this post is about.

About 11 years ago, certain events changed the way I thought things would be in our family. On top of that, chronic pain has invaded my every move, my every thought and…my everything. It’s rough. I was able to spend a little time with my son, his wife and the littlest grandson on Christmas Eve and I enjoyed every minute of it but I thought my house would be full of kids’ laughter and play, during the holidays. Depression, loneliness, and sadness always sets in.

I try not to succumb to the depression but it’s hard. I eat too much, don’t sleep enough, and I cry a lot when I’m alone. During the holidays, I try so very hard to hide my sadness and put a smile on my face. I’m not able to do the cooking I used to do. My son made the popcorn cake for Christmas Eve this year but he didn’t have time to make the pizza balls. That’s ok though, we still had pizza; it was frozen pizza but it was still good. I threw a ham in the oven on Christmas Day and opened a can of baked beans, which was fine because it was just me and Dad. Still, not what this post is about.

I bet you’re thinking, “Damn, I wish she’d get to the point!” I’m getting there, I promise.

Every year I try to make myself feel more festive and happy by giving gifts to others. GIVING TO OTHERS makes me feel good about who I am and I love to make gifts. This year, I crocheted over a dozen gifts for family. I carefully chose the yarn color and pattern/design I thought was perfect for each person. I worked my ass off, sometimes ripping out a design that just didn’t look good and starting over. I put my heart and soul into everything I made. It felt good to do it and I’m not sorry I did, but I’ll tell you what…

I’m makin’ a list…

woman s hand using a pen noting on notepad

Photo by Kaboompics .com on Pexels.com

I’m making a list for next year and if anyone wonders why they didn’t get anything from me then maybe they should think about Christmas 2019 when they didn’t even have the common decency to send me a simple text to thank me for their gift. It takes just seconds!! What a bunch of ungrateful shits in my family. And this does not apply to young children. It applies to adults; young adults and older adults.

I didn’t make the gifts for the thanks, just to be clear. But it would be nice to be recognized and appreciated. I busted my ass to get everything finished and shipped in time for Christmas. It really hurts my feelings that only 3 people thought to thank me for their gift. Next year, I’ll be sending my handmade crocheted items to people who might actually appreciate it…perhaps the Nursing Home, a homeless shelter, or the children’s hospital. Maybe I’ll just make scarves for all the homeless dogs and cats in the area!

dog wearing crochet scarf with fringe while sitting on snow selective focus photography

Photo by Benjamin Lehman on Pexels.com

Scrambled Eggs For Brains

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I despise this time of year for several reasons. The main reason, and most personal, is the lack of grandkids filling my home. I had so hoped for a full house of littles in my 50’s but I guess that’s just not meant to be. I have 4 grandkids now and the most I can hope for is a little time spent with the youngest.

Another reason for my loathing of the holidays is the fact that everything is so commercialized. It’s all about how many millions of dollars brick and mortar stores and online shops can pull in and about damn near every family in America feeling the need to go broke just to provide their families with gifts that they don’t need, don’t want or just don’t freakin’ deserve. I mean, how many teenagers have you known who deserved a brand-spankin’ new car for Christmas? I’m sure there are some out there, don’t get me wrong, but I’ve seen the worst, most spoiled brat teenagers get brand new cars and it makes me want to drop-kick their parents off a cliff.

I try to make my nieces and nephews crocheted items every year…which is getting rather difficult because there’s so damn many of them! My grandkids get crocheted afghans or toys, or whatever their parents think they need or might like. My kids get something useful because at their ages (30 and 33) they can buy their own expensive toys and be happy with a kitchen gadget or something of that nature. I bought Dad a motorized antenna because he insists that he doesn’t need DirecTV in his bedroom. The old-school antenna fell down months and months ago so he’s been without tv in his bedroom. He knew what I was getting him because I needed him to check it out first to make sure it was something he could use or would want. He did and so there ya go. Now he says he doesn’t know what to get me so I should pick something out for myself from him and surprise him. Always a joker. Now I have to decide what I want.

I’m really exhausted…mentally and physically. My brain is just scrambled most of the time. I can’t focus. As I type this, I have to keep checking my spelling because inevitably I turn the letters around or leave letters out. That’s not normal for me. I thought maybe it was just from doing Thanksgiving dinner, which we had the Sunday following Thanksgiving because I needed time to prepare after being sick for 12 days. I tried to make it as easy on myself as possible. I made absolutely nothing homemade. It should have been easy, right? After all, dinner was just four people and everything was boxed, canned, instant, frozen, and/or just needed simple assembly. The turkey breast soaked in a brine for 2 days and on Sunday morning I tossed it in the roaster. I was in so much pain afterward…and I’m still paying for it. I thought I would feel much better by now.

Our traditional fixings for our Christmas Eve (homemade pizza, pizza balls, and popcorn cake) will have to be made by my son or he just won’t get them this year. I just can’t do it anymore. Last year, he came over to help me make them and all was going well until I fell like a dumbass. I had huge bruises on my thigh and didn’t walk right for a week.

I’m not even going to put up my little tree like I did last year. I just don’t have it in me. I have no motivation, no inspiration, no desire. That’s what chronic illness does. It takes away a person’s desire to do the things he/she used to love to do. It’s exhausting

I still have packages to ship, a few gifts to wrap, and Christmas dinner to plan. I think I’m just going to buy a ham and some baked beans and be done with it. Nothing special…but gotta have my ham! If my brain isn’t already scrambled enough, going to Walmart will surely drive me to the brink of insanity!

Chronic Pain and Depression

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14

I’ve been depressed lately. I’ve only spoken to 2 other people about the issues bringing me down and I won’t discuss the details here but there are a few things I do want to say.

No one really understands what a person with chronic pain is going through. They will never understand until they’re the ones suffering from it. It’s debilitating. It’s exhausting. It’s sad, and it’s lonely.

I can’t just make plans to go do something because I don’t know what my pain level is going to be from one day to the next, or even from one hour to the next! When it rains or when the barometric pressure rises, I am in more pain than usual.

I don’t want to be sitting at home. I’d like to be working. I’d like to be doing the things I used to do. I’d like to be able to pursue the hobbies and activities I thought I would be pursuing at this time in my life. I’d love to be able to go visit my grandkids, near and far. I’d love to go to the movies, hit the Mall, or go to a Flea Market. I’d love to go to museums, haunted houses, and concerts. Hell, I’d love to just do the simple things we all take for granted when we’re healthy, but these days everything is a painful chore.

I have good days and I have bad days, but let me be clear: Having a good day does not mean I’m pain-free. It just means my pain level is at a more tolerable level. Just because I smile or crack a joke doesn’t mean I’m not in pain. It just means I’m trying to be as close to “normal” as I can be, for appearances. I don’t like people feeling sorry for me and I sure as hell don’t like being the center of attention. So, I try to be “normal” like you.

I’m not lazy. Chronic pain is not an excuse to get out of doing things. I don’t have the energy to go to events like birthday parties, weddings or luncheons. When I do attend a function of any kind, I have to leave early. I just can’t handle hour upon hour of socializing and appearing to be happy. Another consideration is accessibility. Will I be near a restroom or will I have to walk a long distance to get there? Will there be stairs or an upward/downward slant? Will I be able to sit down? Is there a place where I can rest? Will I have to stand in line? There are so many things I have to consider before doing anything.

When you suffer from chronic pain, you also suffer a loss of identity. The things that made you who you are, are gone. I used to be a cross-country backpacker. It was something I hoped I could back into when my kids were grown and out on their own. I can no longer look forward to that. I used to be a great cook. I used to be a small business owner. There are so many things that made me who I am but now I’m having to find a new me. It’s hard to reinvent yourself when you can’t actually do anything anymore.

I hate when people say things like, “I hope you feel better soon,” or “Have you tried x, y, or z?” Seriously? Yes, I’ve tried everything under the sun. Nothing helps. Someone once said to me, “It’s just arthritis.” If this were just arthritis then I could be more active and exercise some of the pain away. If it were just arthritis I could find a simple remedy that would ease my discomfort. But it’s not just arthritis. I have joint damage in my knees. My legs are bowing outward at the knees. This is what makes walking and moving about so difficult, so painful. Then there are the people who, good intentions or not, are very condescending. Calling me “hon” or ‘sweety” when I’m having a bad day is a sure-fire way to get ghosted!

Chronic pain never goes away. Chronic pain causes depression, anxiety, changes in mood, appetite and sleep patterns. It causes loneliness, grief, isolation, and fear. Yes, FEAR. Every day, I have to think about every movement I make, every step I take, for fear of falling or doing too much and making my pain level go up even higher. I fear that I will injure myself and lose the little mobility I have left. Have you ever thought about being stuck in a nursing home? I have.

I’m so sick and tired of being expected to do things. I only go out when I have to go out. I go out for groceries once a week, go to doctor’s appointments, pick up meds, etc. Yes, I go out to lunch once a week, but that trip serves a dual purpose. I normally have other errands that need to be done. People don’t realize that in between those days is rest and recovery.

On top of the daily struggle, the holidays are approaching. The most depressing time of the year for me. I won’t have family and grandkids around. I won’t be able to cook all the delicious yummies I used to make for my family. I can’t wrap gifts easily, so gift bags it is! I can’t decorate or put up my big tree. I won’t be looking forward to any of what the holidays bring.

I’m not writing this for sympathy or attention. I want people to understand what chronic pain is and what it does to a person’s life. It’s crippling. It’s not my cup of tea and I’m pretty sure it’s not yours either.

 

 

 

Upside Down Birds, Blah, Blah, Blah, Sewer!

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Today was an interesting but very irritating day. Dad and I decided to go to Walmart this morning to prepare for the incoming cold weather later in the week. I want to be stocked up on water, bread, milk…you know, the usual…for the cold winter months. Today it was pretty busy but it could have been worse… like the very day before an incoming storm. Holy crap. People think it’s going to be the end of the world if they don’t have bread and milk…wait, I just bought those didn’t I? Well, in my defense, we didn’t wait until the last minute to go out for supplies like other people do!

The drive (30 miles) was rather amusing, with Dad’s silly antics and questions like, “I wonder how many cows there are in the world?” and “I wonder if birds can fly upside down?” The latter acted out as if he were a bird flying…”Look at me! I’m upside down!” Like I said, amusing. Never a dull moment.

So, anyway Dad wanted to stop at the clinic to make an appointment to see a dentist. He’s been having trouble with his gums. He went in and I waited in the car. He came out surprisingly, with an appointment for this afternoon at 1:45. We had enough time to go to Walmart so we headed over to do the evil chore of shopping with the numerous rude morons that frequent that place. Hey, wait a sec… I frequent that store, too. But I’m not rude to anyone unless they’re rude to me and I’m definitely not a moron.

Thankfully, they had a scooter and I was able to get around the store without excruciating pain. Of course, there were always ‘pains’ lurking in the middle of the aisle or at the end of the aisle who were so oblivious to anyone or anything around them that I was forced to go around to the other end of several aisles, just to get what I wanted. I think that sort of ‘pain’ is inevitable in Walmart. I shudder to think what it’s like in Kmart!!

At the checkout line, I thought, what good timing to have found a checker with no one in her line! Ha. Lucky, my ass. That woman talked her damn fool head off and NOT to US, mind you. She was chatting with another woman behind her and wasn’t working very fast – in fact, she seemed to not be able to scan items and talk at the same time. She just wouldn’t stop yammering on. I had to say something. I admit it. I was rude. I said, “Can you work a little more and talk a little less?” She didn’t even freakin’ hear me! OMG. She kept talking, scanned a few items, started talking some more… She said to the other woman something about how her mom said blah, blah, blah… She actually said blah, blah, blah! So, what did I say? I said, “Yeah. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!” She was oblivious. I was pretty irate if you can imagine. When she was finally finished scanning and bagging, I asked, “What bag did you put the batteries in?” We needed some small button batteries of various sizes and I didn’t want them lost. That woman, her name was Judy, just kept on talking. So, I asked my question again just a little louder. She still didn’t hear me so I freakin’ raised my voice that may have been a holler, I don’t know. The whole time Dad was looking for the batteries. She heard me that time and found the batteries. I thanked her, I don’t know why. Maybe for such a swell time. Ha.

We still had time to kill before we went to Dad’s appointment, so we stopped at the library. I had to use the restroom so that’s where I went first. I swear. You will NOT believe this but when I went to wash my hands all of a sudden there was such a foul stench of sewer. Yes, you read that right. SEWER. I scooped up a little water and brought it up close to my nose. OMG. That stench was coming from the water! I dried my hands off and used hand sanitizer, not once but twice. When Dad used the restroom he said the same thing. Tomorrow I’m calling the Health Department.

At the clinic now for Dad’s dental appointment. He was pretty stressed to begin with but then the paperwork frustrated him even more. You know, all those questions they want you to write answers to but then when they call you back they ask the same damn thing so they can put it in the computerized files. I always tell them, “It’s on the papers I just filled out!” Dad’s too nice. He endures. When he came back out he said they were putting him on an antibiotic and sending him to a periodontist. Yay. That made him happy. NOT. His blood pressure was still high when we got home. Tomorrow he calls for an appointment.

At my age and with my chronic pain issues, I don’t have the patience for the bullshit we had to deal with today. From now on, I’m taking down names at Walmart. The good ones will be praised to the management and the bad ones? Well, use your imagination!