I Loved Him Once

My ex has been the subject of The Ex-Files for quite some time. I am discontinuing this series until a further date, if at all. It just doesn’t feel right.

CP has been a heavy smoker for most of his life. Smoking 2-3 packs a day will catch up to you eventually. It has been my understanding that he’s been on oxygen for the last 10 years and has continued to smoke. How did he think it was going to end?

A few days ago, I learned that CP was in the hospital. My first thought was Covid. Nope. He had COPD. Most likely other health issues that I am unaware of. He was being moved to Hospice. He passed away yesterday.

You know what? I was sad. I even cried. I didn’t think I’d be upset but I was/am. I cried because you just don’t live with someone for 12 years and have 2 kids with them and not care. I really didn’t think his death would affect me in this way.

It made me sad that CP never knew his children, but that was his choice. I was sad because he died alone. I learned that my son went to see him, though. My son said that CP knew he was there but that’s all I know at this time. My son is still on his way back home. I regret that my children never had a relationship with their father but that wasn’t all on me. I tried. I always tried to make things work, but he didn’t do his part. I left CP and took the kids but he has known for 30+ years where we live and had all the information needed to stay in touch. He chose not to.

I have written in this blog about the BS I endured with CP. He was a jerk, and he was a bit narcissistic and controlling, but he wasn’t a bad person. He was messed up but it wasn’t all bad memories. We had some good times, too, like…

  • Our first date. We went to a Tom Petty concert.
  • The drag races! I loved going to the drag races.
  • The time I went to pick CP up at his uncle’s house. He had been spray painting dry wall or something and had white paint all over him. He was sitting in front of a white wall and when I walked into the room I didn’t see him anywhere. I asked, “Where’s CP?” Everyone laughed as CP stood up.
  • The time we went miniature golfing for the first time. Funny! Neither of us knew what the hell we were doing!
  • Being broke and all, we rarely went to sit-down restaurants. Usually it was fast food and it was time spent together laughing and talking about life’s mishaps.
  • The first time I met CP’s mother, and sisters in Las Vegas. I really had a great time being with them all. It was our first trip together.
  • Family dinners; aunts and uncles, cousins all around. None of my aunts and uncles or cousins were local. It was nice to be a part of this large, close family. They all made me feel welcome and CP was always happy I was there, too.
  • Then, there’s the births of our children. We both felt the joy of our little ones coming into this world. Proud parents we were! I wish that feeling had lasted for him; long enough to have led him to choose to stay in touch with them.

I have a lot of bad memories but the good ones, like the ones above, make me smile. There are more but those were just off the top of my head. I have to remember that I loved him once…

What’s Eating Aunt Debbie?

If I hear one more person say, “Masks don’t work,” I’m going to ram my crutch up their ass.

If masks didn’t work, then doctors, nurses, and dentists wouldn’t wear them.

Why do they wear them?

To prevent droplets of bodily fluids that may contain viruses and other germs from escaping through their mouth and/or nose. They also protect the wearer against sprays and splashes from others, such as from sneezes and coughs. Surgeons wear masks during surgeries to protect their faces from sprays and splashes from the patient and to protect the patient from germs coming from the surgeon’s mouth and/or nose from entering the patient’s wound.

Why would they wear masks if masks didn’t work?

I wish people would stop being so damn stupid!

I have even read articles by (supposed) doctors who say masks don’t work! What the literal hell? I don’t know about you, but I don’t have time to research every article and every person who writes those articles to see if they are actually REAL doctors. Whether they are real doctors or not, makes no difference. They are still full of shit. Masks DO work.

Will wearing a mask provide 100% protection from Covid-19? NO, but it will slow the virus and maybe we could see the number of cases and deaths go down considerably, instead of major surges with no end in sight. OVER 200,000 deaths in the United States!

My nephew said it quite well earlier this month. He said, “If I can wear my mask for 10 hours at work then it won’t kill other people to wear one while they pick up groceries.”

I wish I had more time tonight because I have so much more to say. I’ll just end this post by posing a question to those of you who think masks don’t work:

If you were going in for a heart transplant, gallbladder removal, tonsillectomy, or any other surgery – Wouldn’t you want your surgeon to wear a mask? Or if you were taking care of someone who had an infectious disease such as MRSA, wouldn’t YOU wear protective gear, including a mask?

surgeons performing surgery

Photo by u041fu0430u0432u0435u043b u0421u043eu0440u043eu043au0438u043d on Pexels.com

10 Things I Haven’t Done In Six Months

Like so many people, Dad and I have made staying at home our new normal. Since mid-March, we’ve been keeping a low profile, and it really wasn’t much different than our pre-pandemic lifestyle. We’ve always been homebodies, so we weren’t too concerned about staying home for a few weeks. We spent March 12th -15th getting appointments out of the way, getting medications refilled, picking up groceries and supplies, etc. We had lunch and drinks at our favorite Mexican restaurant. We didn’t think this would be our last time sitting in a restaurant or that this pandemic would still be going on 6 months later!

It’s been lonely, depressing, and boring. I can’t imagine another 6 months of this! Although we don’t live exciting and adventurous lives, we still miss those little things like going to the grocery store or Walmart when we need something, having lunch out, or seeing friends and family on occasion. It’s funny (not-so-funny) the things you miss when you no longer have them.

The following is a list of things I’ve not done since March.

  1. I’ve not been in a grocery store. We always kept our freezers and cupboards stocked even prior to the pandemic, so we didn’t have a lot to get the last time we were out. Mostly all we needed was a few canned goods and we were set for at least 2 months. Thankfully, we’ve been able to get just about everything we’ve needed online since then.
  2. I’ve not been to Walmart. It was always nice to be able to pop in and pick up my medications, try on a few pair of shoes or sweaters, etc., plus the occasional kitchen or bath item. Now, we either do without or find it online.
  3. I’ve not been inside any public establishment. We’ve only been to liquor store, bank, and pharmacy drive-thru windows. We’ve used only curb-side service at out favorite Mexican restaurant, twice. Oh, and we got gas twice in the car and once for the mower.
  4. I’ve not had a haircut. OMG! I need a haircut. I cut my bangs once myself and I’m about to do it again. My hair hasn’t been this long in years. I prefer it short.
  5. I’ve not been out with a friend. I used to meet up with this friend or that friend for lunch and/or a little shopping. Now, I see only one friend periodically while social distancing outside.
  6. I’ve not worn any make up. I never wore much make up before, but now I wear absolutely none! I stopped wearing eye make up several years ago because I can’t see well enough to put it on anymore. But I still wore a little foundation or BB Cream, and maybe some concealer when I planned on going out. If I was feeling exceptionally brave, I might attempt a little mascara with the use of my 10x magnification mirror, but that was rare!
  7. I’ve not had a doctor’s appointment. I saw my Nurse Practitioner on March 12 to have my medications renewed for another year, and had them transferred to a different pharmacy with a drive-thru window. Thankfully, I’ve not had any issues that need a doctor’s attention. Fingers crossed that neither one of us will have to worry about that for a while.
  8. We’ve not taken the car for a check up. Taking Ol’ Blue in for a check up, tune up, or other ‘procedure’ has been postponed indefinitely. We will be needing new tires very soon though, so I need to be thinking about that!
  9. I’ve not taken my furbabies to the vet. My furbabies were due for their vaccinations in May and I’ve put it off. I don’t think I should put it off much longer. I’m feeling very guilty about not doing it. It’s just so stressful thinking about coming into contact with COVID-19 and bringing it home to Dad.
  10. I’ve not been in anyone else’s home. Ugh. I hate not being able to stop in to see someone if I wanted to. I didn’t do a lot of that before for a few reasons: I can’t walk up/down stairs, I always feel like a bother, and with chronic pain being an issue, I just don’t have the energy. It was still nice to have that choice.

Since the above things are not part of my normal life – at least not for a while – I have to occupy my mind with other things. I try to keep my brain sharp (hahaha, if that’s possible!) by doing word puzzles, brain games, and the like. I’ve started another jigsaw puzzle. I’ve been writing more offline – as in personal self-exploration type, and legacy journaling. I’m considering another online class…just can’t decide which one yet! One thing I really need to do more of, is exercise. That’s a hard one for me because of the pain I’m in. It’s so easy to just say, “Not today, maybe tomorrow.” So, on that note, I will leave to go do some exercise on my Air Walker. I just hope I can walk afterwards.

Have a relaxing, SAFE, and fun Labor Day, my friends!

aunt-debbie

What’s Eating Aunt Debbie?

Well, first of all, I’ve been writing and re-writing this post since Saturday. Every time I read it, I feel like it’s not good enough, sounds stupid, or “that doesn’t make sense.” So, I’m starting over and writing as it comes and if it’s not good enough, too damn bad. If you disagree, then that’s fine. These are my feelings and opinions, and NOT up for debate. 

*When I was growing up, through old movies I watched with my Dad, I learned that it was wrong to shoot or stab someone in the back. It meant that you were a yellow-bellied coward. You should always look your enemy in the eye. Have a fight that is fair. No back-stabbing. No bullets in the back. It all seemed so logical at the time and it still does.

Why would you shoot someone in the back anyway? Unless you were a yellow-bellied coward… 

Fast forward to 2020, August 23rd to be exact. A young black man, father of 6 children, was shot 7 times at close range….IN THE BACK! Jacob Blake is his name. He is paralyzed and will have life-long issues. Three of his children watched their father being shot in the back by a police officer.

Police officers need to be trained better! They need to be taught to never shoot a man in the back! What a cowardly thing to do. I don’t care if Mr. Blake had a knife or not. I don’t care what his past was. (No, he did NOT rape a child.) He didn’t deserve to be shot in the back! I don’t care if there was a struggle. A person walking away or running away poses no threat to police officers. If Mr. Blake had a gun and was shooting at the police as he ran away, then that would be a different story. But he didn’t have a gun. The officer who fired those shots was following Mr. Blake at very close range. That officer also put 3 of Mr. Blake’s young children in danger! They watched from the backseat of the vehicle in horror as their father was shot! What if one or more of those bullets had missed Mr. Blake and ricocheted, hitting one of those children? 

This event and others like it, are occurring more often in this country and it sickens me. Kyle Rittenhouse killed two people and injured others, but he’s alive. Had he been black, they would have shot him dead. I could list dozens of incidents but it’s exhausting to even think about it. I’m so disillusioned and disappointed in people. I do support police officers. They do a dangerous job in protecting the public but ANY police officer who shoots a man in the back should be held accountable and by that, I mean fired. PERIOD.

*On the subject of COVID-19, I’m sick to death of hearing our POTUS continually ignore science and experts in the field. What the hell is wrong with him?! 6 million people have tested positive for COVID-19 in the US. OVER 183,000 of those people have DIED. Now, I’ve heard him pushing herd immunity. It’s just another attempt at ignoring the severity of the COVID-19 problem.

Scientists say that in order to achieve herd immunity, 50% to 70% of the United States population would need to be immune (either by infection or vaccination) to stop the spread. That’s 165 million to 230 million people! The death rate from this virus is about 1%, which sounds like such a small number BUT that could mean 2.3 million people in the US would have to die. Some research suggests that herd immunity could be achieved at just 20% of the population. That would mean 600,000 people would die.

Haven’t we had enough deaths in this country? 

 

*I’m disgusted with Trump for so many reasons… Too many to list here, although that post may come some time in the near future. I just can’t understand WHY it’s so easy for Trump’s followers to believe that Joe Biden is a terrible person and unworthy of the title of POTUS… but so difficult for them to believe that Trump is a despicable, dishonest, racist, ignorant, narcissistic, hateful human being when it’s all laid out for the entire world to see. 

*On a personal note, my littlest grandchild, Hudson, turned 2 years old yesterday. His party is Saturday and unfortunately, Dad and I won’t be going. If you follow my blog, then you may recall that my Dad is 83 years old and at high risk for contracting COVID-19. A birthday party is just not a risk we’re willing to take. This terrible virus is affecting us all. I’m not one to ignore science, neither is Dad, so we continue to stay home.

Depression comes and goes but we are doing more to occupy our minds. Jigsaw puzzles, crossword puzzles and other word games, movies and tv series’ keep us busy. So does food, but I won’t mention the tendency to overeat or the weight I’ve gained! On the flip side, Dad has lost weight. He’s getting so skinny and try as I might to get him to eat more, he just doesn’t have much of an appetite. It could be the heat, too, so thankfully we’re looking at some cooler temps as we enter into the Fall season…or more commonly known in my house as “Sweater Weather.”

Signing off for now. Be good to yourselves. 

One Day At A Time

I’m really having a difficult time writing consistently in my blog. The problem is, that I’ve nothing to write about. Well, not unless you count me complaining about this, that, or the other! I don’t want to do that – it drives readers away. Forgive this post, please; it’s just a bit of complaining but it can’t be helped as it’s the way I’m feeling.

Prior to March 15, I could go get my hair cut & colored, take the cats for their immunizations, get my eyes checked, take the car for service or a tire rotation, go to Walmart, the bank, the grocery store, and take Dad for any appointments he may have made. There were countless other things we could do in addition to our weekly outing for lunch. Those times we went out – for whatever reason – gave me experiences and ideas for writing. (They may not have been good ideas, but still…) Now, the only experiences we gain are when we go to the drive thru at the liquor store, bank or pharmacy. Hardly a reason to come home and write!

I feel ‘stuck’ sitting at home. I have nothing to look forward to. Before this pandemic, I looked forward to going to whatever appointments we had lined up or even to Walmart. (Imagine that.) I looked forward to my son, daughter in law, and grandson coming to visit. I looked forward to lunch with my Dad once a week. Now, I’m afraid that will have to wait because Covid-19 cases in my county and surrounding counties are going up. The numbers are still very low compared to most of the country but still a cause for concern.

Being disabled has me at an extreme disadvantage. Had this pandemic happened 10-12 years ago I’d be out hiking, bird watching, gardening, cooking, preserving veggies from my garden, creating soaps and bath products, among other things. I can’t do any of those things now so it’s terribly depressing. I’ve spent the last decade not only trying to get medical assistance, but also trying to reinvent myself. That’s not going quite as well as I had planned and now it’s at a stand-still.

My days now consist of the “same shit – different day” and quite honestly, I’m surprised I even know today is Monday Tuesday? I spend my days updating on social media, reading blogs, placing orders for the week, and doing a few quick chores. I watch a little TV, read a few chapters in a book, crochet, fix quick foods for Dad and myself, and giving each of my cats a good brushing. I sit at the computer waiting for inspiration and/or motivation to write. Nothing comes to me. I turn on some music. That’s no help. I search for writing prompts that strike me as interesting…but either nothing appeals to me or I start writing something, only to save it and walk away disgusted with my writing skills. I can’t even find the motivation to write about my ex for The Ex-Files!

One day at a time…as they say. Someone told me to give myself a break. I’m doing that; taking a break from social media, and TV for a week, maybe longer. I’ll do my best to just chill and let the ideas flow, but no promises.

What do you do to keep the ideas flowing? What inspires you to write these days? I hope you’re having a better time writing that I have been!

Have a great week, friends! Stay safe!