Tag Archives: depression

Misery

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I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my current situation. There’s one word to accurately describe how I feel. Miserable.

I have never been so miserable in all of my life. I’ve been through some rough times: emotionally, mentally, and physically rough. From childhood to adulthood, and beyond, I have had some serious situations arise. I have dealt with some traumatic issues and come through them all. I suppose I’ll come through this, too. But when? I don’t see much improvement until the new house is finished.

The issues at the moment are dealing with an elderly father 24/7 and my own pain and mobility issues. Dad is 86 years old and sometimes reminds me of a toddler. One day he likes something and the next day, he doesn’t. Or the other way around. He has to have his chocolate drink at lunchtime and if I give him prune juice instead (because he’s bitching about being constipated) he gets his briefs in a knot. He sometimes wants something and when I order it, he loses it or never uses it because he doesn’t remember why he would want that. He watches the news all day long so I sit in the kitchen at my laptop. I can’t stand to hear the news all damn day! When he lets me find something else to watch, he bitches and moans at my choice, and rolls his eyes repeatedly. His usual bedtime is 10pm. However, recently he has been staying up until sometimes midnight! That’s about the time I start getting ready for bed so I have no time to destress, unwind and watch tv without hearing him bitch the entire time. I need that time, even though it’s just 2 hours, to clear my head and not be completely focused on what he’s doing and where he’s at (because he tends to fall). At least when he goes to bed, I know where he is and that he’s not going to fall down! So, when he stays up late, I’m agitated. I go to bed agitated and wake up agitated. I sleep in my power chair in the living room (if I can sleep at all) because I can’t sleep in my bed. I am trying to save money to get an adjustable bed so that I can at least be in my room and semi-comfortable.

On top of all of the agitation of dealing with an aging father, and pain and mobility issues that make everything difficult for me to do, the house is literally falling apart. A couple of weeks ago, the ceiling in the bathroom fell in. It just got so wet from all the leaks in there that it couldn’t take the weight.  It was just yesterday that my son was able to come over and cover the roof and hopefully, it will be ok until he can do more work. The house is crumbling. It’s very stressful and need I say uncomfortable?

It’s very easy to slip into depression and never come out of it. I am miserably uncomfortable. I’ve always been a pretty positive person. I used humor to get through the rough shit in my life but it’s hard to find humor in the situation at hand. I get tired of people telling me to be more positive as if that’s going to improve the situation. Sorry, but even if I were the most positive person in the world, it wouldn’t change anything. I am as positive as anyone would be in this situation! In fact, I think I’m more positive than someone else would be if they had to deal with the same issues, so forgive me if I sound like a bitch when I snap…and I will snap sooner or later.

Signing off for now before I have an aneurysm…

aunt-debbie

First Thoughts Are Not Pretty

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Daily writing prompt
Jot down the first thing that comes to your mind.
View all responses

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I’m grateful for many things in my life. I’m grateful to have a roof over my head, indoor plumbing, electricity, clean clothing, clean water, heat, and a/c, food to eat, a car, and many other things. Having those things doesn’t mean I don’t struggle. 

I struggle daily with depression, pain, and mobility issues. Some people don’t understand the difference between being depressed and being disabled which leads to depression. What I mean is, if you’re depressed you don’t want to do anything. But your body is still ABLE to do things. You can go to work, do the laundry, wash dishes, sweep the floor, run the vacuum, get groceries, etc. You may be depressed and not WANT to do those things but you are still physically able. In my case, my body is unable. I’m lucky if I can stand for 15 minutes at a time. My depression is from not being able to do the things that most people take for granted. Think about it the next time you shower, or step out for the mail. Think about walking to and from the bathroom, tossing a load of clothes in the washing machine, or fixing something to eat. I struggle to do those things. I can’t work, go shopping, or go to the movies. I can’t clean the house like it should be cleaned. I can’t cook, which is something that I always enjoyed. Because of my inability to do those things, I get depressed. I fight it daily because if I let it take over, who will take care of my dad? It’s obvious to me that I can’t depend on anyone for help so I do it all myself. Well, as much as I can do. 

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10 Things I Haven’t Done In Six Months

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Like so many people, Dad and I have made staying at home our new normal. Since mid-March, we’ve been keeping a low profile, and it really wasn’t much different than our pre-pandemic lifestyle. We’ve always been homebodies, so we weren’t too concerned about staying home for a few weeks. We spent March 12th -15th getting appointments out of the way, getting medications refilled, picking up groceries and supplies, etc. We had lunch and drinks at our favorite Mexican restaurant. We didn’t think this would be our last time sitting in a restaurant or that this pandemic would still be going on 6 months later!

It’s been lonely, depressing, and boring. I can’t imagine another 6 months of this! Although we don’t live exciting and adventurous lives, we still miss those little things like going to the grocery store or Walmart when we need something, having lunch out, or seeing friends and family on occasion. It’s funny (not-so-funny) the things you miss when you no longer have them.

The following is a list of things I’ve not done since March.

  1. I’ve not been in a grocery store. We always kept our freezers and cupboards stocked even prior to the pandemic, so we didn’t have a lot to get the last time we were out. Mostly all we needed was a few canned goods and we were set for at least 2 months. Thankfully, we’ve been able to get just about everything we’ve needed online since then.
  2. I’ve not been to Walmart. It was always nice to be able to pop in and pick up my medications, try on a few pair of shoes or sweaters, etc., plus the occasional kitchen or bath item. Now, we either do without or find it online.
  3. I’ve not been inside any public establishment. We’ve only been to liquor store, bank, and pharmacy drive-thru windows. We’ve used only curb-side service at out favorite Mexican restaurant, twice. Oh, and we got gas twice in the car and once for the mower.
  4. I’ve not had a haircut. OMG! I need a haircut. I cut my bangs once myself and I’m about to do it again. My hair hasn’t been this long in years. I prefer it short.
  5. I’ve not been out with a friend. I used to meet up with this friend or that friend for lunch and/or a little shopping. Now, I see only one friend periodically while social distancing outside.
  6. I’ve not worn any make up. I never wore much make up before, but now I wear absolutely none! I stopped wearing eye make up several years ago because I can’t see well enough to put it on anymore. But I still wore a little foundation or BB Cream, and maybe some concealer when I planned on going out. If I was feeling exceptionally brave, I might attempt a little mascara with the use of my 10x magnification mirror, but that was rare!
  7. I’ve not had a doctor’s appointment. I saw my Nurse Practitioner on March 12 to have my medications renewed for another year, and had them transferred to a different pharmacy with a drive-thru window. Thankfully, I’ve not had any issues that need a doctor’s attention. Fingers crossed that neither one of us will have to worry about that for a while.
  8. We’ve not taken the car for a check up. Taking Ol’ Blue in for a check up, tune up, or other ‘procedure’ has been postponed indefinitely. We will be needing new tires very soon though, so I need to be thinking about that!
  9. I’ve not taken my furbabies to the vet. My furbabies were due for their vaccinations in May and I’ve put it off. I don’t think I should put it off much longer. I’m feeling very guilty about not doing it. It’s just so stressful thinking about coming into contact with COVID-19 and bringing it home to Dad.
  10. I’ve not been in anyone else’s home. Ugh. I hate not being able to stop in to see someone if I wanted to. I didn’t do a lot of that before for a few reasons: I can’t walk up/down stairs, I always feel like a bother, and with chronic pain being an issue, I just don’t have the energy. It was still nice to have that choice.

Since the above things are not part of my normal life – at least not for a while – I have to occupy my mind with other things. I try to keep my brain sharp (hahaha, if that’s possible!) by doing word puzzles, brain games, and the like. I’ve started another jigsaw puzzle. I’ve been writing more offline – as in personal self-exploration type, and legacy journaling. I’m considering another online class…just can’t decide which one yet! One thing I really need to do more of, is exercise. That’s a hard one for me because of the pain I’m in. It’s so easy to just say, “Not today, maybe tomorrow.” So, on that note, I will leave to go do some exercise on my Air Walker. I just hope I can walk afterwards.

Have a relaxing, SAFE, and fun Labor Day, my friends!

aunt-debbie

What’s Eating Aunt Debbie?

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Well, first of all, I’ve been writing and re-writing this post since Saturday. Every time I read it, I feel like it’s not good enough, sounds stupid, or “that doesn’t make sense.” So, I’m starting over and writing as it comes and if it’s not good enough, too damn bad. If you disagree, then that’s fine. These are my feelings and opinions, and NOT up for debate. 

*When I was growing up, through old movies I watched with my Dad, I learned that it was wrong to shoot or stab someone in the back. It meant that you were a yellow-bellied coward. You should always look your enemy in the eye. Have a fight that is fair. No back-stabbing. No bullets in the back. It all seemed so logical at the time and it still does.

Why would you shoot someone in the back anyway? Unless you were a yellow-bellied coward… 

Fast forward to 2020, August 23rd to be exact. A young black man, father of 6 children, was shot 7 times at close range….IN THE BACK! Jacob Blake is his name. He is paralyzed and will have life-long issues. Three of his children watched their father being shot in the back by a police officer.

Police officers need to be trained better! They need to be taught to never shoot a man in the back! What a cowardly thing to do. I don’t care if Mr. Blake had a knife or not. I don’t care what his past was. (No, he did NOT rape a child.) He didn’t deserve to be shot in the back! I don’t care if there was a struggle. A person walking away or running away poses no threat to police officers. If Mr. Blake had a gun and was shooting at the police as he ran away, then that would be a different story. But he didn’t have a gun. The officer who fired those shots was following Mr. Blake at very close range. That officer also put 3 of Mr. Blake’s young children in danger! They watched from the backseat of the vehicle in horror as their father was shot! What if one or more of those bullets had missed Mr. Blake and ricocheted, hitting one of those children? 

This event and others like it, are occurring more often in this country and it sickens me. Kyle Rittenhouse killed two people and injured others, but he’s alive. Had he been black, they would have shot him dead. I could list dozens of incidents but it’s exhausting to even think about it. I’m so disillusioned and disappointed in people. I do support police officers. They do a dangerous job in protecting the public but ANY police officer who shoots a man in the back should be held accountable and by that, I mean fired. PERIOD.

*On the subject of COVID-19, I’m sick to death of hearing our POTUS continually ignore science and experts in the field. What the hell is wrong with him?! 6 million people have tested positive for COVID-19 in the US. OVER 183,000 of those people have DIED. Now, I’ve heard him pushing herd immunity. It’s just another attempt at ignoring the severity of the COVID-19 problem.

Scientists say that in order to achieve herd immunity, 50% to 70% of the United States population would need to be immune (either by infection or vaccination) to stop the spread. That’s 165 million to 230 million people! The death rate from this virus is about 1%, which sounds like such a small number BUT that could mean 2.3 million people in the US would have to die. Some research suggests that herd immunity could be achieved at just 20% of the population. That would mean 600,000 people would die.

Haven’t we had enough deaths in this country? 

 

*I’m disgusted with Trump for so many reasons… Too many to list here, although that post may come some time in the near future. I just can’t understand WHY it’s so easy for Trump’s followers to believe that Joe Biden is a terrible person and unworthy of the title of POTUS… but so difficult for them to believe that Trump is a despicable, dishonest, racist, ignorant, narcissistic, hateful human being when it’s all laid out for the entire world to see. 

*On a personal note, my littlest grandchild, Hudson, turned 2 years old yesterday. His party is Saturday and unfortunately, Dad and I won’t be going. If you follow my blog, then you may recall that my Dad is 83 years old and at high risk for contracting COVID-19. A birthday party is just not a risk we’re willing to take. This terrible virus is affecting us all. I’m not one to ignore science, neither is Dad, so we continue to stay home.

Depression comes and goes but we are doing more to occupy our minds. Jigsaw puzzles, crossword puzzles and other word games, movies and tv series’ keep us busy. So does food, but I won’t mention the tendency to overeat or the weight I’ve gained! On the flip side, Dad has lost weight. He’s getting so skinny and try as I might to get him to eat more, he just doesn’t have much of an appetite. It could be the heat, too, so thankfully we’re looking at some cooler temps as we enter into the Fall season…or more commonly known in my house as “Sweater Weather.”

Signing off for now. Be good to yourselves. 

Wednesday? Right?

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It has been a while since I have written anything. I can’t get motivated and nothing inspires me these days. I’ve been in a great deal of pain, so that doesn’t help. Along with the pain comes depression. It’s depressing to be disabled but add to that the fact that we are staying home and each day is the same as the next. Every day I ask, “What freakin’ day is it?”

I missed last Friday’s Funnies post. I looked in my file and found 3 whole funny memes and I didn’t have it in me to look for more. Nothing seems funny lately. Maybe this week will be better but I doubt it. I still have only 3 memes.

I miss my life, such as it was, prior to the pandemic. I didn’t do much then but it was more than I’m able to do now. At least then I had nothing stopping me from going to the grocery store, Walmart, or wherever I wanted to go. Dad and I miss our Saturday outings for lunch. Who would have thought that one day a week in a Mexican restaurant would mean so much?

I made my famous-not-so-famous Stuffed Bell Peppers yesterday. I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. It was rough but my peppers turned out delicious and were made possible by a great friend who went to the store for me. She picked up bananas, too so that I can make my Granny’s Banana Bread. It’s actually more like cake because it’s heavy and sweet. The items my friend picked up were things I can’t get online. Since I live out in the middle of nowhere, stores won’t deliver and our local Walmart doesn’t do curbside pickup. Thankfully, we can survive without the items I can’t get online! 

Well, for now I have nothing else to write and the hummingbirds are waiting for their sweet water for the day. They drink it almost as fast as I can make it! 

Have a great day!