I was thinking about my childhood the other day and I began to remember many things I had long forgotten. I then tried to think back as far as I could and I recalled two memories from when I was very small.
I was around 4 years old and in nursery school. I remember having apple juice and graham crackers for snacks. I remember crying a lot because I felt lost. I also wanted to ride one of the tricycles that the other children got to ride, but for some reason, I was not allowed. I feel like something significant happened there because to this day, the smell of apple juice brings me back to that nursery school and makes me want to hurl. I wish I could remember more. Maybe I shouldn’t…
I think I must’ve been around 5 or 6 when my mom and dad and I went to Missouri to visit one of my mom’s relatives. I remember a teenage girl nicknamed “Butter” and she had bright red hair. She was always looking at herself in the mirror and fixing her hair. I looked up to her at the time. She seemed so sophisticated! I wanted to be just like her! I remember an older woman, whom I adored because she was so kind and loving. She was always cooking something delicious! She reminded me of Hazel, The Witch, a book that I had read myself or had someone else read to me. I can’t remember which. I’m pretty sure we were on a farm but the only animals I remember are pigs. I laugh now but back then I stood on a hill and threw rocks down below at the pigs in a pen. Poor little pigs. I wonder where everyone else was when I was doing this? Were they not watching me? I could have wandered off and got lost or hurt myself, being a little girl not used to country life.
How far back can you remember?
It’s been quite a long time since I’ve sat down to write. It’s difficult with lack of sleep and when things aren’t going so well. I haven’t been on social media much lately because the bullshit infuriates me. Between the misinformation and the hypocrisy, I don’t know whether to shit or go blind, as my Granny used to say.
I’ve been watching my Dad’s health decline over the last few months and it’s ripping my heart out. Inevitably, I will lose him so I am making the best of the time I have left to love and appreciate him. His memory is failing him and he’s been having some health issues. He’s finding it more difficult to understand simple things. Thankfully, he hasn’t had a fall since July…knock on wood. He’s a bit unstable at times when walking but manages to keep himself upright with the aid of a cane. I’m finding myself watching him like a hawk, trying to do so without making it obvious. It’s been a rough couple of months because as you know, I have my own health issues; chronic pain and mobility issues always make things more difficult for me. Dad’s not able to help me with little things around the house like he used to and I have no other help. I just take things one day at a time.
Someone asked me the other day, “What will you do when you have to live alone?” “I’m not afraid to live alone,” I explained. “I’m afraid of being forgotten. Forgotten by family and friends. Left behind. Most of my family is in Tennessee and I’m in Missouri. My son is less than 15 miles away and I don’t hear from him very often.” I don’t relish the thought of living here without my Dad but I don’t have a problem living alone. The memories will haunt me, I’m sure.
I’m really trying to hold things together here, and I know I need to write more. I try. I think about something I’d like to write about and then…I just don’t do it. I just don’t have the motivation but I’m trying to get it back. I keep saying that and maybe it will snap back into place sooner than later!
I am enjoying the cooler weather, now that Fall is here. Sweater weather is my favorite weather of all! I just pray that the winter we have coming won’t be like the last!
Until next time,
I’ve been trying to think of something to write about today. But then it happened. My son came over to mow and do some much needed yard work because Goddess knows I am unable to do it and Dad shouldn’t be out in the heat.
When my favorite son was finished he was famished and I just happened to have made some homemade burritos the day before. (The last time I called him my favorite son, I was reamed a new one for playing favorites! Hello, he is my ONLY son!) While he ate I got to thinking about him as a kid, growing up and becoming a man.
He wouldn’t like his photos being seen by everyone so I decided to just share one of my chubby little one year old boy literally shoved in that little tub, and one of the two of us at his graduation!
Of course, he’s in his 30’s now, married to a lovely young lady and they have a little boy together. I’m very proud to be his mom. He just about gave me a few heart attacks growing up, but that’s normal, right?
When I was a little girl my first grade teacher had a wonderful idea. She just happened to have a big refrigerator box that she made into a little “house” for her students when they were good. She flipped that box upside down, placed it over a vacant school desk, and cut a door and window in it. The outside was painted with flowers and smiley faces and such things. I was always good but somehow I never got my turn.
I dreamed that some day I would have a humongous box, that would sit in my front yard. I would live in that box, and I would invite all the children in the neighborhood to come visit. I would be the most popular girl in school! That box would have a front door and a back door, with several windows. I don’t know what I thought would come in that big of a box but I was sure my parents would buy whatever it was just so I could live in it! I sure had a wild imagination but didn’t we all?
I was trying to find a photo of something similar to what my 1st grade teacher did but holy crayoli, look at the ideas I found! I made a Pinterest Board of Refrigerator Box Playhouse ideas just so I could share with you! These boxes are more elaborate than anything we had in the 1st grade and definitely more than my little girl self ever imagined! Check them out! Maybe you can create something for your toddlers or your young school age child for quiet study! Have fun!
Refrigerator Box Playhouses
My ex has been the subject of The Ex-Files for quite some time. I am discontinuing this series until a further date, if at all. It just doesn’t feel right.
CP has been a heavy smoker for most of his life. Smoking 2-3 packs a day will catch up to you eventually. It has been my understanding that he’s been on oxygen for the last 10 years and has continued to smoke. How did he think it was going to end?
A few days ago, I learned that CP was in the hospital. My first thought was Covid. Nope. He had COPD. Most likely other health issues that I am unaware of. He was being moved to Hospice. He passed away yesterday.
You know what? I was sad. I even cried. I didn’t think I’d be upset but I was/am. I cried because you just don’t live with someone for 12 years and have 2 kids with them and not care. I really didn’t think his death would affect me in this way.
It made me sad that CP never knew his children, but that was his choice. I was sad because he died alone. I learned that my son went to see him, though. My son said that CP knew he was there but that’s all I know at this time. My son is still on his way back home. I regret that my children never had a relationship with their father but that wasn’t all on me. I tried. I always tried to make things work, but he didn’t do his part. I left CP and took the kids but he has known for 30+ years where we live and had all the information needed to stay in touch. He chose not to.
I have written in this blog about the BS I endured with CP. He was a jerk, and he was a bit narcissistic and controlling, but he wasn’t a bad person. He was messed up but it wasn’t all bad memories. We had some good times, too, like…
- Our first date. We went to a Tom Petty concert.
- The drag races! I loved going to the drag races.
- The time I went to pick CP up at his uncle’s house. He had been spray painting dry wall or something and had white paint all over him. He was sitting in front of a white wall and when I walked into the room I didn’t see him anywhere. I asked, “Where’s CP?” Everyone laughed as CP stood up.
- The time we went miniature golfing for the first time. Funny! Neither of us knew what the hell we were doing!
- Being broke and all, we rarely went to sit-down restaurants. Usually it was fast food and it was time spent together laughing and talking about life’s mishaps.
- The first time I met CP’s mother, and sisters in Las Vegas. I really had a great time being with them all. It was our first trip together.
- Family dinners; aunts and uncles, cousins all around. None of my aunts and uncles or cousins were local. It was nice to be a part of this large, close family. They all made me feel welcome and CP was always happy I was there, too.
- Then, there’s the births of our children. We both felt the joy of our little ones coming into this world. Proud parents we were! I wish that feeling had lasted for him; long enough to have led him to choose to stay in touch with them.
I have a lot of bad memories but the good ones, like the ones above, make me smile. There are more but those were just off the top of my head. I have to remember that I loved him once…