Category Archives: Humor

What A Crappy Day!

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Dad and I went out this morning. We did a little shopping and had lunch at one of our favorite places. The air was cold but the wind was biting.

We stopped at a Dollar Tree, not because we’re cheap, but because they have some good stuff in there for just $1! I mean, why pay $3 or $4 for a damn greeting card when the Dollar Tree has a large assortment for just $1? Oh and some of them are 2 for $1. So there. Anyway, we had to park what seemed like a mile away and that’s always rough on me since I walk with a cane – and slowly. So, Dad gets to the door first and he’s waiting for me so he can open the door. He’s a gentleman still, even at age 80. So he’s standing there waiting for me and this woman comes barreling out of the store, pushing the door open like she was going to push someone off a cliff! I mean WHAM! She nearly hit Dad in the face with the door and she’s damn lucky she didn’t. He managed to jump back just in time. There could have been a small child there, or someone disabled like me standing in the line of fire. She could have seriously injured someone! She never even looked to see if someone was coming in nor did she even realize what she did – no apologies, no nothing. Ugh.

We stopped at the restaurant next. The food was good, as always. Service was a little slow but they were pretty busy, no big deal. When we left, I started feeling a rumbling in my stomach. I didn’t think much of it as I had a surgery some time ago for a herniated stomach, which means that I am not able to belch efficiently. So I get gassy quicker and more often than most people. On top of that, I eat way too fast (because I hate cold food) and swallow too much air, making me even gassier. Ha! I know, TMI. Anyway, nothing out of the ordinary really. The drive to get home is about 50 minutes. We weren’t 10 minutes out of town and I realized…. Uh oh. I may have a problem. 

The gas is building so I asked Dad to fish out my gas relief tablets from my purse. He did and I took 3 with hopes that it would settle things a bit.

Nope. No such luck. The drive was the most uncomfortable drive! My stomach was cramping up and I hoped that what I thought would happen, wouldn’t.

A few minutes later, still no relief. I must have eaten something that didn’t agree with me. The drive seemed to go from 50 minutes long to 150 minutes! I didn’t think we’d ever get home. Would I make it? I sure hoped so.

10 miles to go. My stomach is still cramping and I’m afraid I’m not going to make it!

6 more miles to go. Not gonna make it, I thought.

4 miles more….. OMG! Not gonna make it! 

We turned onto our road and it started to happen.

OMG! I told Dad to hurry and get the front door unlocked because I had to make a mad dash for the toilet…..but remember I’m walking with a cane, and very slowly so the mad dash was more of a turtle’s walk.

OMG. Didn’t make it.

Hence the title of this post.

 

 

Ahhh, Coffee!

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I woke up a bit on the groggy side this morning. I actually slept until 9 am. That doesn’t happen often. It was difficult to stand and walk, but no different than most days. As per the norm, I headed to the kitchen to make a pot of coffee and take my morning meds.

I went about my morning business. Cleaning up after furbabies when you can barely walk is not fun and no easy task. When that was finished I walked to the front door and looked out. There were 5 little squirrels scampering in the yard! I stood there watching for a few minutes before I realized I had a big smile on my face. I was grateful to start my morning with this comical view! I wished I had my phone to record these silly squirrels but I left it in my room. Too much trouble to walk back and get it. I stood there and enjoyed the show for a few more minutes before I decided to go get my cup of much-needed coffee.

I guess I was groggier than I thought. I grabbed a mug and poured my coffee. The cup seemed a bit weird feeling in my hand. I didn’t think much of it in that moment. I added my sweetener and creamer. When I stuck the spoon in to stir, it felt odd. The spoon seemed longer than it usually is. I checked the spoon. Same small spoon as always. Hmmmm…. Took a sip of coffee. The cup felt strange on my lips. “What the heck is going on?” I wondered.

When I sat the cup down, I started to focus on the reality of the moment. It dawned on me I had the WRONG mug! I had grabbed a smaller, 11 oz. mug instead of my normal 15 oz. mug! Transferred coffee from small mug to bigger mug. Now the spoon fit as normal and everything was right with the world once again!

 

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Pictured on mug: My oldest grandson. Image Copyright Being Aunt Debbie

 

 

 

 

“I’m Just Ugly”

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I told this story on my Facebook page tonight. I can’t believe how little things turn into something so hilarious!

Dad and I went to Chili’s for lunch today. We had only been seated for about 10 minutes before a few ladies came in and sat behind us. The thing is, one of the ladies peered down at me as she passed as if I had my clothes on backward or something. I had to do a quick check!

Anyway, the same lady got up to use the restroom and on her way back she did the same thing! I looked down at my shirt, thinking maybe I had salsa dripped down the front of me or something. Nothing there. Dad noticed too. I thought maybe she thought she knew me….

Shortly after, I got up to use the restroom. When I came back, there she was with that peering look again! I asked Dad, “Geez. Do I have slop all over my face? Are my clothes wonky? Do I stink?” He said, “No, you’re just ugly.” “Thanks, Dad,” I said. Then we just laughed our butts off. I hope the snotty lady was bothered by our laughter.

(The comment Dad made was inspired by the episode of SpongeBob SquarePants when he thought he was ugly.) 

Lol. Filing this under #ShitMyDadSays

“Aurora”

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Have you ever felt like a total dweeb because of your phone? Or some other electronic device? Perhaps you have an app that drives you nuts or makes you feel stupid?

I had an appointment yesterday and when it was over it was after 1 pm and Dad and I were famished. We were headed to a restaurant we had never eaten at before. I would have Googled it ahead of time, but my therapist had recommended it as my appointment was ending. It was called Texas Roadhouse.

I brought it up on Google maps on my phone and pressed “start” to activate Google’s voice assistance, whom I call “Aurora.” This voice doesn’t have a name at all, unlike Apple’s Siri, Microsoft’s Cortana and Amazon’s Alexa. She’s known only as Assistant. She has no identity. How sad is that? Anyway, I named her “Aurora.” By the end of this search for the restaurant, I was ready to punch “Aurora” in the face!

I proceeded as directed by “Aurora.” Now the exact instructions she gave may be off, but you’ll get the gist.

“Continue on US 160 and take the MO-13 S exit.” 

Done. Easy enough.

“Proceed to left turn lane and turn left onto S. Campbell Ave.”

Done. Ok. This isn’t too difficult. Yay!

“Make a U-turn at El Camino Alto.”

Crap. A U-turn? Why didn’t we just get off the freeway further down, I wondered. Then we wouldn’t have to worry about a U-turn. Ok. U-turn made.

“In 600 feet, turn right onto W. Cardinal.”

Wait. What? What street? Didn’t see any street called Cardinal. Obviously, I missed it.

“Make a U-turn at Republic Road.” What she really meant was, “Now you have to turn around and try again dummy.”

Ok. Aurora is directing me to turn around. Let’s try this again. Ok, back to the U-turn at El Camino Alto.

“In 600 feet, turn right onto W. Cardinal.” What she really meant was, “Let’s try this again, dumb ass.”

Crap. Where’s the road? There it is but I’m in the wrong lane. Too much traffic. Missed it again.

“Make a U-turn at Republic Road.” What she really meant was, “Are you freaking stupid? You missed it again!”

Here we go again. Got it. Back to that U-turn at El Camino Alto.

“In 600 feet, turn right onto W. Cardinal.” What she really meant was, “Don’t miss it this time you idiot!”

Yeah, yeah. Got it this time. CRAP. Argh!! This road is the freeway! Grrr…… What the heck is going on? Now that I’m back on the freeway, we see the sign for the restaurant. Ok. Now I have an idea where it is, maybe I can find it without “Aurora.” Tried my best to get over there, still kept getting in the wrong place. At this point, “Aurora” is telling to go here or go there, but I am ignoring her. I can hear her screaming at me, “ARE YOU DEAF? You gigantic dweeb!” Of course, she’s not really screaming at me or calling me names, but boy howdy, I bet she was thinking it!

I finally ended up back on the original road and U-turn. Let’s try this again. Before we got to the U-turn, we noticed there IS a road that we missed, but in our defense, it actually looked like a driveway to the Subway located there and the road sign was hard to see.

Ah-ha!!! Made the U-turn, made that right hand turn onto W. Cardinal and we were on our way. Good thing, because we were starving!! There’s the restaurant!! Yay! Pulled up and parked. We wondered why there were no cars in the lot…. Then we read the sign. Dammit! It’s one of those places that open only for dinner: 4 pm to 10 pm. Seriously? It was only 2 pm! Crap. All that work for nothing.

We were just going to go back to the area of town we were familiar with to find a place to eat when we noticed FD’s Grillhouse not too far from the Texas Roadhouse. Sounds like a plan!! It was actually open! Yay!

We both decided on a shrimp platter, mine with batter-fried shrimp and Dad’s with grilled shrimp. We both got a baked potato. I had cole slaw and Dad had broccoli. I was so parched I drank 3 glasses of iced tea! Dad had his Merlot. I hate wine. It stinks and tastes awful. I almost had a beer, but I was too thirsty.

When our meal came, it was just in the nick of time! I think my stomach was ready to eat itself. The food was great! The baked potato could have been much hotter but the shrimp was delicious!

I’m glad “Aurora” was no longer ‘with’ us. I don’t think I could stand her judgmental little thoughts (imagined by only me) throughout lunch. Whew! What a day!

 

 

Wings, Crunch!

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Yesterday, Dad and I headed out to the nearest Walgreen’s, which isn’t very near I might add. He needed a refill on his antibiotic ointment and he had a new script for an oral antibiotic – both for the cellulitis on his lower left leg. I had been telling him for weeks, if not months, to go to the doctor and have that rash looked at. It started as what looked like a bug bite and then developed into a round rash, the size of a silver dollar. It just kept growing and growing, until it was covering nearly his entire lower leg. He just wouldn’t go to the doctor. He kept telling me, “I have an appointment in October.” Um. Ok. So what? When I took him for his Lifeline screening last week they told him he needs to have that looked at because it might be infected….so then he decided it was a good idea to go to the doctor! Geez. Anyway, I digress.

At Walgreen’s, we dropped off the new script and the old, to have them filled. We then went on to have lunch. We decided on Buffalo Wild Wings because it was half-price Tuesday! We each ordered a small wing basket (10 wings each) with a side of fries. We couldn’t eat them all; I only ate 3 of mine and the fries. I think Dad ate 4 and some fries. We always end up taking some home, which is great because then I don’t have to worry about making anything for dinner. I think anyone would agree that that’s always a good deal! We asked the server for a couple of boxes to take our food home in and then we were on our way, back to Walgreen’s to pick up Dad’s meds.

On the way out to the parking lot, Dad dropped one of the boxes. Ugh! It just happened to be mine. The box popped open and a few of my wings hit the asphalt! OMG. Dad scooped them up and put them back in the box, getting wing sauce all over his hands. Good grief. Good thing I grabbed a few wet wipes off the table! But OMG, my wings! He felt bad and said I could have his but I didn’t want him to feel bad or for him to not have any wings for later. I told him not to worry about it because I could rinse them off. After all, I have hot sauce at home that I can coat them with after I rinse them off. Ugh. My wings!! (Maybe with extra crunch!)

At Walgreen’s the lady informed us that Dad’s insurance won’t cover the cream until the following day. He was already out of the cream. The oral antibiotic couldn’t be filled until the day after next. So, this was a wasted trip and we have to go back on Friday to pick them up. Bureaucratic bull squirt is all it is.

On the way home, we stopped to get gas. The screen on the gas pump said, “Thank you for shopping with us…..” on the first screen and then the next screen said, “…today.” We had to chuckle about it because of course, it’s today! Why even say, “today?” It would never say, “Thank you for shopping with us last Thursday” or “Thank you for shopping with us tomorrow.” Of course, it’s today!

I find humor in the dumbest things!

Oh, and I rinsed my wings off pretty good, coated them in my own hot sauce, heated them and you would have never known they had been dropped on the asphalt! Ha!