Category Archives: Health

Yes, I Have Changed

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Chronic pain and I have been well acquainted for about a decade now. I’m not happy with that at all. I’d like to kick its sorry ass to the curb.

I try my damnedest to put on a brave face, to smile around others; to not allow pain to ruin my life but I’ve been unsuccessful. Sure, in the beginning, it was easy. In the beginning, the pain wasn’t constant and didn’t reverberate throughout my entire body.

I’m writing this not for sympathy but for understanding. So many people don’t understand what it’s like to live with constant debilitating pain. They don’t know what it’s like to not be able to do the simplest of tasks; the tasks you once did when you were younger or before the pain took over your body. They have no idea how difficult life is for a person with chronic pain.

I’m not lazy. I’m in too much pain to do chores like you. I’m not unsociable. I just can’t put on a brave face or a smile and enjoy someone’s company most days. It’s not that I don’t want to see my friends or family, I’m just in too much pain. Pain is exhausting! I do care, more than you will ever know but most days, I get out of bed and do only what I MUST do, like shower, do a load of laundry, or fix something to eat. I only leave the house to do what MUST be done like pick up groceries, go to the doctor or some other appointment. Once a week Dad likes to go out and eat. I go with him because it’s the only thing HE does or WANTS to do these days. He’s not going to be around forever. He’s going to be 83 years old in February. I want him to do the things he likes to do, even if it kills me.

I just can’t be the person I used to be. Pain has changed me. Chronic pain affects your mental health, changes your moods, behaviors, the way you interact with people, and even your personality. People try to help with their sure-fire remedies but they don’t understand. They think you’re not trying to get better or not doing anything to help yourself. You stop socializing. Family retreats because they can’t help you or don’t know what to say. You become more and more isolated, from friends, loved ones…and LIFE. You’re now saddled with not just pain, but loneliness and sadness. You feel unnecessary. Your life is not what you envisioned it to be. You can’t really see a future for yourself.

I hope that if you know someone who suffers from a chronic illness, that you might be a little more understanding of their situation. Offer to help with chores. Let them know they’re necessary and important to you. Understand that they do care about YOU. Make them laugh with a funny story. Help them feel that they matter. Help them to feel less isolated and lonely.

As I mentioned before, I’m not writing this for sympathy. Writing helps me – like meditation might help someone else. I write to convey a message, or just to get things off my chest. Sometimes, I can connect with others in similar situations and maybe offer moral support. I’m thankful for all those people who help or have helped me in the past, be it moral support or something else.

Fitbit, Go Home! You’re Drunk!

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I’m a novice when it comes to many new-fangled gadgets like Amazon’s Echo but I’ve caught on pretty quick. Alexa has been very helpful to me. Another gadget that I’m not too familiar with is the Fitbit Fitness Tracker. It has my brain doing summersaults.

For example, I thought I had it set up correctly and one day it logged that I had gone swimming for 30 minutes. Um. What? I think I would know if I was swimming. I was NOT. So, I removed swimming and several other activities from the list of automatically detected actions. I can only do two of the listed activities, and not very well mind you; walking and my air walker, which is an elliptical of sorts. Now it’s not detecting either of those two things so if I’m doing one I have to manually clock it.

Yesterday morning, it counted 377 steps from the time I got out of bed, went to the kitchen for coffee, and back to my room to the computer. It’s only 36 steps round trip. Huh? I thought, maybe I had my stride set wrong so I refigured. Nope. Still the same. Measured and refigured again. Same.

I wear the Fitbit on my non-dominant hand. I understand it won’t count steps if my arm is not at my side. Sometimes I’m hanging onto something as I walk; my cane in my right hand and holding onto the counter or chair, etc., as I walk by with my left. I’ve been trying to keep my left arm at my side, but sometimes I’m just not that stable. I’ve counted the steps I take, arm at side, checked my Fitbit’s count and have had it be only one step off and other times, it can register 300 steps when I just walked to the kitchen. Trust me, my house is not that big.

I haven’t got it completely figured out yet but one good thing Fitbit does is to tell me about my sleep patterns. Boy, is my sleep WACK! I’m awake so many times during the night and sleep in such short spurts that I’m surprised I can even function! But I’m not even sure how accurate that data is because it doesn’t even register my naps. That’s when I sleep the best.

Fitbit, I WILL figure you out, you pesky little ticker. Then you will be putty in my hand!

Am I Dead Yet?

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That’s only funny because I used to work in a Nursing Home as a Med Tech and one of the elderly residents used to ask, “Am I dead yet?” And then she would laugh hysterically. The next second she’d box your ears. Literally. I digress.

I feel like I’m half dead. Not really. Where am I going with this? Pfftt… Don’t ask me. I’ve been sick for the past week and my head is in a fog. I don’t know if I’m coming or going, as they say. I am feeling a little better today, Day 5 of this blasted cold or flu or whatever the hell it is. The first 4 days were miserable. I’m coughing my brains out as if I can spare any of that. I’ve been neglecting my Facebook pages and the only reason you’ve seen blog posts from me over the last 4 days is that I wrote them ahead of time!

I’m going to be resting a few more days and then hopefully be back to my old self. Actually, I’d rather be “a new self” but that apparently is not in the cards. I guess I’ll have to settle for the old creaky me that can barely walk and chew gum at the same time. Haha!

I just wanted to toss a reminder out there to you wonderful bloggers and readers, that our Facebook group Weigh To Be Healthy, is eagerly waiting for your request to join! You don’t have to be on a weight loss journey to join this private group. If you’re just looking to make lifestyle changes and become a little healthier in 2020, then you’re welcome to join! You will be required only to answer a few simple questions to be approved. (This is only to weed out spammers and bots!) Our group is for support and camaraderie, sharing of information and a few (ok, LOTS) of laughs along the way. So, please come join us!

I will return when I’m feeling a little less like a zombie and a little more like a human being! Thanks for following my blog, my friends!

Oh, My Achy-Breakies!

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I’m surprised I haven’t coughed my brains out by now. I started feeling a scratchy throat on Wednesday night. I felt pretty good on Thursday so we went out for some groceries. Since the weather has been colder and we already had a little snow, I figured we’d better stock up on water, canned goods, cat food etc., and maybe get Thanksgiving dinner staples just in case.

I held up surprisingly well. My pain level wasn’t too bad. Of course, it would have been a completely different story had Walmart not had a scooter available. Afterward, Dad and I were both exceptionally hungry, even though we had breakfast. He had cereal and I had oatmeal. Dad said, “If it wasn’t for your diet we could go have pizza at Vaccaro’s.” At that point, I was so hungry I didn’t give a crap about my diet. I quickly swerved over to the left turn lane, “Pizza, it is!” My weight-loss buddies won’t be happy with me, oops.

I went to bed early because I didn’t have my usual cat nap and I had that scratchy throat so I figured I’d better get as much sleep as possible. I felt ok other than the scratchy throat but once I laid down the coughing started and it wouldn’t quit. I hacked and hacked all night long. Then I got a chill that I couldn’t shake. No matter how high my ceramic heater was set, no matter how many blankets or how much clothing I put on. I don’t think I slept 2 hours all night.

Yesterday, Friday, I was like a zombie. No sleep makes for a lousy day. I couldn’t crochet. I couldn’t read. I tried playing Mahjong on the computer but my mind just wouldn’t (couldn’t) focus on anything. I even tried writing Friday’s Funnies to post as per the norm but I just couldn’t. I felt like I was a little drunk. I was achy and that chill persisted. I tried to nap but I was still cold and that damn cough!! Every single time I felt as though I was drifting off into sleep, I would start hacking again. I took a couple of Tylenol and at about 10pm last night, the chill lifted, the achy-breakies subsided, and I was able to crochet a little. I went to bed early again, hoping to sleep better than the night before.

I was in luck. I did sleep better with less coughing and I stayed warm. Today, I’m just one big, walking, coughing mess. I’ve been drinking hot tea with honey or hot tea with lemon, sometimes both. I’ve made my tea with slippery elm bark, as well. I’ve had my fill of chicken soup. My cough drops and lemon drops are nearly gone. It’s all just temporary relief…but so is the cough, so I guess I’ll survive!

photography of blue ceramic coffee cup

Photo by Lisa Fotios on Pexels.com

Chronic Pain and Depression

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I’ve been depressed lately. I’ve only spoken to 2 other people about the issues bringing me down and I won’t discuss the details here but there are a few things I do want to say.

No one really understands what a person with chronic pain is going through. They will never understand until they’re the ones suffering from it. It’s debilitating. It’s exhausting. It’s sad, and it’s lonely.

I can’t just make plans to go do something because I don’t know what my pain level is going to be from one day to the next, or even from one hour to the next! When it rains or when the barometric pressure rises, I am in more pain than usual.

I don’t want to be sitting at home. I’d like to be working. I’d like to be doing the things I used to do. I’d like to be able to pursue the hobbies and activities I thought I would be pursuing at this time in my life. I’d love to be able to go visit my grandkids, near and far. I’d love to go to the movies, hit the Mall, or go to a Flea Market. I’d love to go to museums, haunted houses, and concerts. Hell, I’d love to just do the simple things we all take for granted when we’re healthy, but these days everything is a painful chore.

I have good days and I have bad days, but let me be clear: Having a good day does not mean I’m pain-free. It just means my pain level is at a more tolerable level. Just because I smile or crack a joke doesn’t mean I’m not in pain. It just means I’m trying to be as close to “normal” as I can be, for appearances. I don’t like people feeling sorry for me and I sure as hell don’t like being the center of attention. So, I try to be “normal” like you.

I’m not lazy. Chronic pain is not an excuse to get out of doing things. I don’t have the energy to go to events like birthday parties, weddings or luncheons. When I do attend a function of any kind, I have to leave early. I just can’t handle hour upon hour of socializing and appearing to be happy. Another consideration is accessibility. Will I be near a restroom or will I have to walk a long distance to get there? Will there be stairs or an upward/downward slant? Will I be able to sit down? Is there a place where I can rest? Will I have to stand in line? There are so many things I have to consider before doing anything.

When you suffer from chronic pain, you also suffer a loss of identity. The things that made you who you are, are gone. I used to be a cross-country backpacker. It was something I hoped I could back into when my kids were grown and out on their own. I can no longer look forward to that. I used to be a great cook. I used to be a small business owner. There are so many things that made me who I am but now I’m having to find a new me. It’s hard to reinvent yourself when you can’t actually do anything anymore.

I hate when people say things like, “I hope you feel better soon,” or “Have you tried x, y, or z?” Seriously? Yes, I’ve tried everything under the sun. Nothing helps. Someone once said to me, “It’s just arthritis.” If this were just arthritis then I could be more active and exercise some of the pain away. If it were just arthritis I could find a simple remedy that would ease my discomfort. But it’s not just arthritis. I have joint damage in my knees. My legs are bowing outward at the knees. This is what makes walking and moving about so difficult, so painful. Then there are the people who, good intentions or not, are very condescending. Calling me “hon” or ‘sweety” when I’m having a bad day is a sure-fire way to get ghosted!

Chronic pain never goes away. Chronic pain causes depression, anxiety, changes in mood, appetite and sleep patterns. It causes loneliness, grief, isolation, and fear. Yes, FEAR. Every day, I have to think about every movement I make, every step I take, for fear of falling or doing too much and making my pain level go up even higher. I fear that I will injure myself and lose the little mobility I have left. Have you ever thought about being stuck in a nursing home? I have.

I’m so sick and tired of being expected to do things. I only go out when I have to go out. I go out for groceries once a week, go to doctor’s appointments, pick up meds, etc. Yes, I go out to lunch once a week, but that trip serves a dual purpose. I normally have other errands that need to be done. People don’t realize that in between those days is rest and recovery.

On top of the daily struggle, the holidays are approaching. The most depressing time of the year for me. I won’t have family and grandkids around. I won’t be able to cook all the delicious yummies I used to make for my family. I can’t wrap gifts easily, so gift bags it is! I can’t decorate or put up my big tree. I won’t be looking forward to any of what the holidays bring.

I’m not writing this for sympathy or attention. I want people to understand what chronic pain is and what it does to a person’s life. It’s crippling. It’s not my cup of tea and I’m pretty sure it’s not yours either.