I can’t. I say that a lot. I say that a lot because it’s true. I can’t. 

I can’t do the things I used to do. I can’t do the things that made me, ME.

I can’t go hiking. I can barely walk to the bathroom. I used to go on backpacking trips with my Dad when I was younger. I put that on the back burner when I started my family, planning to get back to it when the kids were older. When the kids were older, I started having issues with my legs. Now I will never go hiking or backpacking again. 

I can’t cook. I used to cook 3 meals a day. I love to cook! I was pretty good at it, too. I used to cook from scratch. Never mind boxed mac n cheese, rice a roni, or stuffing. I made it from scratch. Corn dogs? No problem. Pizza? Done. I loved to cook. At one time, I dreamed of opening my own pizza joint. But now, I can’t. These days, it’s hard for me just to make sandwiches or a microwave meal. It’s the moving around that’s difficult. You just don’t know how much you move around when you do things…until you can’t.

I can’t make soaps and bath products anymore. I had a home business at one time. I was making a name for myself. I wasn’t getting rich but I loved what I was doing. I had to close my business after 12 years.

I can’t do steps/stairs. I need access to a bathroom and it must be handicap accessible. I have to plan everything I do according to bathrooms and steps/stairs. Some places that I have to go, like the vet when one of my furbabies is sick, has a bathroom but no handlebars and the toilet is so low I have a terrible time! But when you gotta go, you gotta go. 

I can’t clean the house the way I used to clean the house. One day each week, the house was cleaned. Everything you do to clean a house was done in a few hours that one day each week. Now, I have to split things up. I do a chore or 2 every day because that’s all I can do. And it’s not enough. Closets and cabinets need cleaning. Clutter needs to be organized, donated, or thrown out. I just can’t.

I can’t mow the lawn anymore. Dad and I used to take turns on the rider. One of us would mow and the other would use the weedeater. Our yard used to be so pretty! We got compliments all the time! Now I can’t mow because the vibration would jar my bones something awful and I know this because I used to have a vibrating foot massager and that alone made me hurt so bad I gave it away! I can’t use the weedeater because I can’t walk without aid. 

I used to take long drives. I’d drive to my sister’s house in Illinois or go to the big city of Springfield and hit the mall! I used to go out with friends; to the movies or out for lunch. Nowadays, I can’t go anywhere. I can barely get in and out of the car – and it’s getting harder. The seat just doesn’t go back far enough and it’s hard (and painful) getting my legs in and out. The family doesn’t understand why we (Dad and I) won’t come visit. They say, “We’ll come and get you,” but it’s the same difficulty and pain whether I’m driving or if I’m a passenger. Throw in a 4 or 5 hours drive and I think they must be out of their minds!

I know I need to focus on what I CAN do, and I do, but it’s not much. I can write in my blog and in my journal. I’m writing my cookbook. I have two other books in the works. I can do puzzles and crafts like diamond paintings and paint-by-number. I can still make jewelry, although I haven’t done it in a while. I can crochet. I can read. I can listen to audiobooks. I can still drive. I can think for myself. I can do crossword puzzles and word finds. I try to keep my mind active even though my body is not. I try to stay positive but it’s hard when you can’t do the things you want to do. 

How do you reinvent yourself when you really don’t have much to work with? Where do I go from here? My life sure as hell didn’t turn out the way I envisioned it. Now what? What do I do now that I can’t be the me I used to be?