Category Archives: About Me

Hope, In Times of Darkness

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Some time ago, I had gone through something that nearly pushed me over the edge. It was something that I never expected, nor had any idea how to deal with. Someone very close to my heart made some bad decisions and threw her own life into a chaotic whirlpool, at the same time turning my life upside down. This post is not about that person or the events that took place but rather the effect it had on me and my own life.

I had never in my life been so depressed. Not many people knew, just family and very close friends. I couldn’t talk about it without crying. I couldn’t go anywhere without crying. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t focus. I wasn’t able to sleep. I couldn’t eat. I was up at 5am every morning and didn’t go to bed until 1am. I was in a daze. I was barely living, just going through the motions. I felt dead inside. I felt lost. I felt shame and guilt, and I couldn’t pull myself out of this deep abyss I had been thrown into. I wasn’t suicidal, but I remember thinking it wouldn’t be a bad thing if I just fell over dead.

Now, don’t get me wrong. The events that took place had absolutely nothing to do with me, but when bad things happen to someone you love dearly, it will do things to you that you never thought possible. It didn’t help that “certain people” insinuated that I did something wrong. I was treated as if I did do something wrong. It wasn’t my fault. I didn’t do anything wrong. It was not my actions that caused the events.

I carried guilt and shame for a few years. I was depressed and saw no end in sight. I had never even considered seeing a therapist. I mean, that’s what family and friends are for right? You have a problem, you talk it out with someone you know and trust. Right? Well, when I was referred to a specific therapist, I thought, “How am I suppose to talk to someone I don’t even know, about these things?” Also, “How can I trust a total stranger with my innermost, deepest feelings?” I knew I had to do something so I made the appointment.

Never in a million years did I think I would be seeing a therapist! I cannot tell you how much it helped me to talk to someone unbiased, someone who was not there to judge or tell me how to feel. It was a slow process. It took an entire year to get in a better place. I saw light, after a long time of being in such a dark place!

My therapist helped me realize that the events that took place were not my fault. My head knew this, but my heart didn’t. She helped me to understand that the shame I carried was not mine to carry. I didn’t do anything wrong and now I could stand tall in my words with “certain people” who insinuated otherwise. My therapist gave me the tools I needed to set boundaries, and walk my own truth. She pretty much gave me the strength to go public with my blog not too long ago. I still see my therapist at least once a month. I used to see her weekly, but she still helps me and I don’t see an end to my visits with her anytime soon.

I guess my point in writing this is just to let others know that there IS light at the end of the tunnel. If you’re depressed, please reach out for help. I know that’s hard as hell, but others may not reach out to you. They may want to help but may not know how or even what to say. They may keep their distance because it’s uncomfortable for them. People just don’t know what to do to help. If you have the opportunity, see a therapist. If you don’t feel comfortable with one then find another. If you can’t do that, then find someone who will listen, not judge, and try to help you find a solution. Please, please, please do whatever you can to help yourself. YOU are important!

There’s hope in times of darkness. You just may have to look a little harder to find it. Just please look and keep looking until you find it.

 

Back On Track!

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If you’ve been following my blog for any length of time, then you know I have pain and mobility issues. You also know that I am in dire need of knee replacement surgery. First, a not-real-quick recap:

My journey started around 11 years ago, with a doctor that didn’t do anything from the very beginning. Now, let me just say that I knew I needed to lose weight and I KNEW I had to do this myself, but from the get-go my doctor did absolutely nothing to help me with anything. I had trouble since my first child was born, trying to lose weight. She said, “You just need to count calories” and offered absolutely NO assistance or guidance. She gave me a script for pain meds and that was the end of that.

When I FINALLY got my doctor to refer me to a specialist in 2016, I was thrilled. I thought I was finally getting somewhere. Well, the specialist was an asshole with a God complex and shamed and belittled me for 40 minutes. (It’s not like I weighed 600 pounds…not even half of that at my heaviest!) It was something I will never forget. Anyway, shortly after that happened I signed up for Nutrisystem.

Nutrisystem was what I had needed years ago but never had the money to spend on it. It works but it’s quite costly. I did the program faithfully and religiously for almost a year until I was so sick of the food I had to take a break. I had lost 60 pounds, and with high hopes went to see my new doctor, who set me up with a new specialist.

The new specialist was impressed that I had lost 60 pounds in less than a year. However, this was not enough of a loss to consider surgery yet, plus I needed to strengthen my leg muscles.

Fast forward, to last summer. I was so sick of Nutrisystem foods that I stayed off the plan for a bit. We had company off and on and we went out to eat a LOT. Then, Thanksgiving rolled around….and Christmas….and well, I GAINED 25 pounds back!

Uh oh. I need to do something, right? So, in January I purchased an exercise machine called an Air Walker. It’s an elliptical, but not a traditional elliptical. It’s more like a glider instead of a stepper. I purchased this scary contraption because the video showed the woman was NOT having to bend her knees. Perfect for me! I started with 5 minutes a day and worked up to 5 minutes, 3 times a day. Not a lot, I know, but it was more than I was doing before! I worked up to 10 minutes twice a day and now, I’m doing 15 minutes twice a day! Yay! That’s 30 minutes a day and just a little over 1700 ‘steps’ per day. I feel my legs getting stronger. I’m not using the wheelchair as much, but still using my cane.

Also in January, I restarted Nutrisystem. Then I f***ed up. So, I started again…. I restarted the program 4 times since then! The food was just too much for me to hack anymore. Not that it’s bad; most of it is decent and some quite good. It was just the same ol’ same ol’ over and over again. Blah.

That’s when my daughter, SR, texted me and told me that she was doing Weight Watchers. She told me a little about it and the cost wasn’t too bad; less than $20 month for online only. So, I signed up! (Apparently, WW has changed quite a bit since the last time I looked into it.)

I started last Sunday and caught on very quickly. It’s not hard to do at all. No meetings or humiliating weigh-ins. You track the food you eat and stay within your point budget, determined by WW. One week later, I have lost 8.4 pounds.

I lost 8.4 pounds in one week!

(I know some was probably water weight but I’ll take it!)

I’m back on track, finally. I will keep on until I have my weight down (and my BMI) to what the specialist wants and I’ll get my legs stronger so recovery will go smoother. I can’t wait to go back to the specialist and say, “Hey, enough waiting. Let’s get the show on the road! I have an exciting life left to live!”

 

 

Questions Answered

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Last night, I posted a simple “Ask Me Anything” request and what I received was many questions from one blogger, Novus Lectio! I honestly didn’t think anyone would have any questions for me so to get this many from one person was a shock! These are great questions and I have tried to answer them all as best I could.

How old are you (between and between)?

I am 55 years old! I don’t care who knows my age so between and between is totally unnecessary.

Are you black or white?

I am white; I recently had my ancestry DNA test done and I am:

44.7% North and West European
27.2% Irish, Scottish, & Welsh
11.9% Scandinavian
12.9% East European
2.4% Balkan

.9% Nigerian

What size shoes do you wear?

Depends on the style, but normally 8 or 9.

Why did you start blogging?

I started blogging as an outlet for my own feelings and thoughts. I had many things going on, including becoming a Grandmother for the very first time and things spiraled out of control after that. It was very cathartic. There are some very painful memories from back then and there was a long period of time where I didn’t write at all. Thankfully, things have improved since then!

In which part of the US do you live (east, central, west)?

I live in Missouri, which they consider a West North Central state. Missouri is in the Bible Belt, the Heartland as they call it.

Have you ever been abroad?

No, I have not.

What are your plans for the near future and the far future?

I’d like to get my knee surgery done (near future) so that I can grab my camera and (far future) go hiking and exploring, go to museums and malls and all the places that involve walking! I just want to walk! Walking is freedom!!

Have you tried foreign cuisine?

Not in a foreign land, I have not. However, I have tried Mongolian, Thai, Indian, Chinese, Italian, and Mexican foods here in the US. The latter 3 are my favorites.

Have you ever eaten a couscous, stew, lasagna, tagine, chaloupas, borittos, poutine and choucroute?

Couscous, no. Stew, yes. I make beef stew at home. Lasagna, definitely! I make a killer lasagna with my own special homemade sauce. Chalupas and burritos, yes….but perhaps they are completely different here than in other countries. I have no clue what the others you mentioned are, so I will have to look them up!

What will you do if there was an earthquake?

I’m not sure I would be able to do anything. I have limited mobility so it would be very hard for me without help. Afterward, if I’m still alive I would pick up the pieces and move on.

What will you do if there was a tsunami?

Same as above…. It would have to be one humungous tsunami to reach me where I live!

Do you go to Church?

No. I find there are far too many hypocrites within the world of religion. I prefer to follow my own path. I have Pagan views and beliefs.

Will you ever go to a synagogue or a mosque?

No, because there are no such places where I live.

Have you ever read the Quran?

No, I have not.

Have you ever read the Bible?

Not in its entirety.

Do you prefer ebooks or paper books?

Paper books; easier on the eyes.

Which is your best experience in a hotel/motel?

One time, my sister and I stayed in a hotel and it was a blast! We jumped on the bed, and ate snacks, and talked and laughed all night long.

What kind of car do you like?

Any car that is quiet, comfortable, and gets good gas mileage.

If you were suddenly a millionaire what would you do?

I would have a new house built to my specifications, buy a new car, build an outdoor shelter for lost and found animals, and I would help my family and friends. I would also donate to local schools and shelters to help my community.

Who would you like to be for 24 hours?

That’s a tough question! I have no clue really. No one else’s life really excites me much. (Maybe I could be someone who could knock some sense into our current POTUS.)

Which is your favoured blog?

I have many favorite blogs…. I could never choose just one! I prefer those who write about personal experiences because many times, I can identify and it’s great when you find others who have the same thoughts, feelings, etc. There are 2 blogs that I enjoy that are really out of character for me because I am NOT a religious person, nor am I a politically minded person. I enjoy these two nonetheless: Right Off A Cliff by Allen Clifton and Stuff That Needs To Be Said by John Pavlovitz.

Do you plan something else for your blog?

I have many ideas in my notebook that I will write about someday. Perhaps I will also do a “Guest Writer” segment. I’m sure I will be inspired by someone or something eventually. Maybe I’ll come up with something never done by anyone else before me!

Why don’t you advertise your blog in the community pool?

Not sure what “community pool” you speak of but I share my posts via my personal Facebook page and my blog Facebook page. I interact as much as I have time for with other bloggers. I don’t pay for advertising because I’m on a limited income and couldn’t care less if my blog reaches more people. It is a personal blog and those who are interested will find it and read it.

Are you wealthy?

Heavens no. I am disabled and on a fixed income.

Are you a calm person or do you lose control?

I am calm mostly but I get irritated easily at times. I also have anxiety issues, a result of a few unfortunate experiences. I always stay in control of my emotions until I’m alone.

What do you do in the afternoons?

I’m usually reading, writing, or doing chores around the house. I might do some crocheting or jewelry making, but normally I do those in the evenings.

Do you like your neighbors?

Yes. Thankfully, though, I live in rural Missouri and my closest neighbor is 1/4 mile away! I have lived in cities where my neighbors were so close that I could hear TOO MUCH!

Do you have enough of my questions?

I’ll answer any questions you have! Bring it on!

What’s the silliest thing you’ve ever heard?

Goodness, that would probably be one of the many, many things my Dad has said over the years. I couldn’t possibly pick just one. Take your pick on my post Shit My Dad Says.

Who do you hate most?

Sexual predators!!

Who do you love most?

My family; kids, Dad, sisters, grandkids!! My cats and other pets we have had over the years too, like dogs, ferrets, rats, an iguana, hamsters… I love the entire crazy bunch of them (family and pets) more than anything in the world.

What if there was no more meat?

Well, then I would be eating many, many veggies! Portobella mushrooms are very meaty and delicious so many of those, and other mushrooms. Beans, peanut butter, other nuts, and seeds, yogurt also very good protein choices.

Can I see a picture of you?

Yes, I have posted a pic on my About Me page.

How many cats do you have left?

I have 5 cats now. Possibly within the next year, I will have to say goodbye to my now oldest female. She will be 16 in April. Then I will have 4.

What will you do when all your cats…..?

I will probably always have at least one cat. I will most likely die with a cat by my side.

Do you have plants?

Outside, yes. LOL! With cats in the house, it’s difficult to keep anything like a plant!

Do you smoke?

I use to. I quit Oct. 2014.

Are you tall?

Nope. I was considered tall as a child. I was one of 3 or 4 of the tallest kids in class. You know how they take class pictures? They’d put the taller kids in the back, shorter ones in front. I was always in the back row. I stopped growing at 5’3″ and now I’m 5’2″ because of the damage to my knees.

BOOOOO!!

Lol!

Were you scared?

I don’t scare easily.

Did you consider adopting a child?

No, but I would have if I had not been able to conceive.

How is your weight doing?

Still working on it! Thanks for asking. I was watching a show called “My 600-lb Life” and it always helps me stay on track. I really feel bad for those people who weigh 600+ pounds. I can’t imagine ever eating that much or weighing that much! At my heaviest, I wasn’t even half of what they weigh.

Do you have short or long hair, which colour?

I have short hair now. It’s dark blond with some grays coming through! Up until just 2 years ago I always wore my hair long but I got tired of it and at my age, wearing a ponytail every day seemed so childish! So, I keep it short and it’s much easier to deal with!

So, there ya have it!