Tag Archives: guilt

Hope, In Times of Darkness

Posted on by
6

Some time ago, I had gone through something that nearly pushed me over the edge. It was something that I never expected, nor had any idea how to deal with. Someone very close to my heart made some bad decisions and threw her own life into a chaotic whirlpool, at the same time turning my life upside down. This post is not about that person or the events that took place but rather the effect it had on me and my own life.

I had never in my life been so depressed. Not many people knew, just family and very close friends. I couldn’t talk about it without crying. I couldn’t go anywhere without crying. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t focus. I wasn’t able to sleep. I couldn’t eat. I was up at 5am every morning and didn’t go to bed until 1am. I was in a daze. I was barely living, just going through the motions. I felt dead inside. I felt lost. I felt shame and guilt, and I couldn’t pull myself out of this deep abyss I had been thrown into. I wasn’t suicidal, but I remember thinking it wouldn’t be a bad thing if I just fell over dead.

Now, don’t get me wrong. The events that took place had absolutely nothing to do with me, but when bad things happen to someone you love dearly, it will do things to you that you never thought possible. It didn’t help that “certain people” insinuated that I did something wrong. I was treated as if I did do something wrong. It wasn’t my fault. I didn’t do anything wrong. It was not my actions that caused the events.

I carried guilt and shame for a few years. I was depressed and saw no end in sight. I had never even considered seeing a therapist. I mean, that’s what family and friends are for right? You have a problem, you talk it out with someone you know and trust. Right? Well, when I was referred to a specific therapist, I thought, “How am I suppose to talk to someone I don’t even know, about these things?” Also, “How can I trust a total stranger with my innermost, deepest feelings?” I knew I had to do something so I made the appointment.

Never in a million years did I think I would be seeing a therapist! I cannot tell you how much it helped me to talk to someone unbiased, someone who was not there to judge or tell me how to feel. It was a slow process. It took an entire year to get in a better place. I saw light, after a long time of being in such a dark place!

My therapist helped me realize that the events that took place were not my fault. My head knew this, but my heart didn’t. She helped me to understand that the shame I carried was not mine to carry. I didn’t do anything wrong and now I could stand tall in my words with “certain people” who insinuated otherwise. My therapist gave me the tools I needed to set boundaries, and walk my own truth. She pretty much gave me the strength to go public with my blog not too long ago. I still see my therapist at least once a month. I used to see her weekly, but she still helps me and I don’t see an end to my visits with her anytime soon.

I guess my point in writing this is just to let others know that there IS light at the end of the tunnel. If you’re depressed, please reach out for help. I know that’s hard as hell, but others may not reach out to you. They may want to help but may not know how or even what to say. They may keep their distance because it’s uncomfortable for them. People just don’t know what to do to help. If you have the opportunity, see a therapist. If you don’t feel comfortable with one then find another. If you can’t do that, then find someone who will listen, not judge, and try to help you find a solution. Please, please, please do whatever you can to help yourself. YOU are important!

There’s hope in times of darkness. You just may have to look a little harder to find it. Just please look and keep looking until you find it.

 

From The Outside, Looking In

Posted on by
Reply

Recently, I had a very rough day. It was one of those days where nothing worked correctly or as easily as it should have. There were many people involved that day as well. People who should NOT have a driver’s license, or people who needed better training for the job they held. I was aggravated but I was happy and relieved when I arrived home; safe a snug in my own little world.

Someone asked me, “Are you getting old and cranky?” My answer was, “No, just sick to death of imbeciles.” Well, maybe I am getting old and cranky. Maybe I’m not. From the outside looking in, it may appear that I am ‘old and cranky.’ It may appear that I am hateful or judgmental. It may appear that I am ungrateful or self-absorbed. It may appear to be many things, from the outside looking in.

The truth of the matter is, I have chronic pain. That doesn’t mean I have a little pain sometimes. It means that I have severe pain every single day; every hour of every day, with no relief. It’s 24/7. Even during the few hours of sleep I get each night, I am NOT free of pain. When I sleep however, I am free of the depression that comes with pain. I am free of the thoughts of the things I can’t do anymore or the things I have trouble doing. I am free of the constant struggle of trying to live my life like other people. I am free of the guilt of not being able to go to my grand children’s ball games and school events. I am free of the guilt of not being able to drive to see my sisters and their families. When I wake up however, it’s a different story.

Chronic pain changes a person. I use to be the person who could see the bright side of things. I laughed at things that others didn’t even think were funny. I had been accused of being “immature” so many times! But I digress. Chronic pain takes over a person’s life. That’s all you can think about. Everything you do is planned around your pain. You can’t keep up with friends and family so relationships are either lost or have drifted far away. When you can’t clean the house properly or cook full meals like you use to, it messes with your mind. When everything is a struggle: getting something out of the cabinet, putting dishes away, making a sandwich, feeding your furbabies, taking a shower, getting dressed….everything! Even little things like rolling over in bed, bending over to pick something up off the floor, getting out of a chair, putting on shoes and socks, become very painful and difficult. Those things an able-bodied person doesn’t even think about, are things that I struggle with.

So, when you only have a few ‘good’ hours each day to live your life, it tends to change your sense of self and when you go out to run a few errands, you pretty much want to be able to get done quickly, because the pain is screaming at you to get done/sit down/take a nap/rest your legs!!! When you have to deal with incompetence and stupidity when you are in pain, it tends to make you freakin’ crabby!

Now I didn’t write this to make anyone feel badly. I just want people to understand that I did not choose this life with pain. From the outside, you may think one thing but it’s seriously something else….

 

 

 

Learning & Moving Forward

Posted on by
2

The last 5 years have been extremely trying. I’ve had to deal with more than I ever imagined I would, and at times thought it would never get better. I spent hours upon hours upon hours crying my eyes out. I have felt helpless, and hopeless. I’ve felt anger and sadness. I’ve suffered through many panic attacks and raging depression. After a couple years trying to pull myself up with not much success, I began seeing a therapist. With her help, I learned a lot about myself, and other people.

My therapist has helped me make sense of much of what I was feeling. With her guidance, and my hard work to meet her challenges, I can finally say that my life is getting back on track. I don’t think I could have done it without her help. You may think these things are a “no brainer” but when you have been raised a certain way, treated a certain way, and had to deal with so many issues, it tends to overwhelm a person!! You sometimes lose yourself while trying to process things, and some things are shoved under the rug because they are too hard to deal with.

Some of the things I have learned along the way are:

*I have learned that the guilt and shame that I carried for so long, was NOT mine to carry. I am not responsible for the actions of others, and I have made peace with events of the past.

*I have learned to set limits and create boundaries. Just as I don’t allow just anyone to come into my house, I cannot allow just anyone to enter my mind, and my life and drain me of my energy or place unwanted expectations on me. I do not have to allow negativity from others to bring me down. I do NOT have to engage in their drama.

*I have been a caregiver for all of my adult life. I have always put everyone else’s needs above my own. I put my needs on the back burner, thinking they were not important. I have learned that it’s not selfish for me to take care of ME! My needs are just as important as anyone else’s!

*I am a logical thinker. I’ve learned that if I can’t make sense of something, in my mind it’s hogwash. I get along with those who are like-minded. I don’t mix well with people who do not think for themselves. I don’t understand people who follow anything blindly.

*I’ve learned that there are certain people whom I cannot help simply because they won’t help themselves. I can’t keep throwing them a rope and letting them pull ME under! Some people are emotional vampires, draining you of all the energy you have. It’s ok to take a step back (or several) and protect yourself! I know I don’t have to let them drain me anymore! (This goes back to setting limits and creating boundaries, as mentioned earlier in this post.)

*I’ve learned that my thoughts, my opinions are just as important as anyone else’s. All through my childhood, my mother stifled me. I was ridiculed for voicing my opinion, for asking questions, and for asking for what I needed for ME. I may still keep my mouth shut at times (because even though I have the right to say it, doesn’t mean I should) but I no longer let the fear of what others think, keep me from using my voice.

*I’ve learned that I can forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made in my life. We aren’t handed an instruction book when we first venture out on our own, when we enter a new relationship, or when we begin having children. We have no clue how to do it, but yet we figure it out along the way! We make mistakes. Sometimes the mistakes are small and sometimes they are huge, but we learn as we go and we have to forgive ourselves for the mistakes we have made or we will drown in the “shoulda-woulda-coulda” mentality.

*I’ve learned that others will never understand my chronic pain if they have never experienced chronic pain themselves. I can explain until my head explodes but they won’t understand that I can’t do the things they think I should be able to do. They don’t SEE anything wrong with me, so they think I’m just lazy. They can’t see how tired I am, how much I hurt, or that I’d just like to crawl in a cave and never come out again. I don’t have to explain anymore. I’m good with whatever they think about me. I just pray that they never have to experience chronic pain themselves! (If you need to understand chronic pain, a good place to start is with “The Spoon Theory.” Google it. There is no better way to understand than this.)

And last, and I am definitely not finished learning….

*I’ve learned that you just can’t fix stupid!! I get so irritated with people doing stupid and inconsiderate things that I could just pull my hair out! I am still working on this one, but I’m getting better at just letting it go!! I let things get to me too easily sometimes. It seriously affects my mood when someone pulls out in front of me on a busy road, or when someone zips through a parking lot right behind me, even though I’m already half way out of my parking spot, or when a group of people are having a “reunion” of sorts in the store blocking the entire width of the aisle. When you approach, they turn and see you but still make no effort to move over so you can pass through! UGH. I could go on and on….. These things aggravate me to no end. I always try to be courteous and watch for others around me when I’m out and about. I know they have things to do just as I do. So, why don’t they behave the same way?

All in all, my life may be a bit difficult but I am moving forward. I continue to see my therapist and work on my issues. I use to think “I will never see a shrink because I can’t talk to a stranger about personal things! That’s what friends and family are for!” Well, I was wrong for thinking this way. Yes, it’s good to talk to friends and family but some things are too deep and personal to share with them! Sometimes, a complete stranger can see things more clearly. A trained therapist can actually help you figure things out!