Shit My Dad Says

I had been struggling to find something to blog about and then it hit me! Dad is a pretty funny guy, always has been. For the last couple of years, I have been posting his funnies on Facebook with the hashtag #ShitMyDadSays. He wasn’t too happy when I told him tonight about those posts. Uh oh. Well, he’s 80. He will forget by tomorrow. He forgets a lot these days.

While this post may not be suitable for all audiences, it’s still pretty funny. If you have a stick up your butt or you just don’t have a sense of humor, then just don’t read past this paragraph. You were warned.

*”I use to be a rebel-rouser, until I got shot.”

*When he and my son were up on the roof doing some repair work, Dad was attacked and stung by a wasp. This happened to him 2 weeks prior, so when it happened this time he came in and said, “I just got attacked by that same wasp!” “The same one?” I asked. He said in all seriousness, “Looked like the same one to me!” Half of his face was swollen and the next day he looked like Droopy, the old cartoon dog.

*Myrbetriq commercial comes on. The animated woman’s bladder is PINK so Dad informs me that men have a BLUE bladder! Lmao! Always the funny guy!

*Dad just asked me, “Do you know why I can never find anything?” I said, “Why?” He said, “Because I don’t know where anything is.” Lol.

*Goodness…. Watching Y&R with Dad. (Yeah, Dad watches the soaps!) A couple is wanting to adopt a child and are told of a teen mother in her 3rd trimester. Dad says, “That’s just asking for trouble. Why don’t they adopt a baby?” (In my head: wtf did he just say?) I said, “Dad, they are. They’re going to adopt the teen’s baby!” “Oh,” he said. He actually thought they were going to adopt the teenager?! Lol.

*Omg. Lol. Convo between me and Dad:
Me: Did we know that Sean Austin was Patty Duke’s son?
Dad: I think we knew that.
Me: Who is Sean’s dad?
Dad: Marmaduke?
Can’t ever be serious around here!

*To my daughter, I asked, “Do you remember that time your Grampa was talking about his handle bars when he actually meant love handles???” He still calls them handle bars! Lol!

*Watching the news and trying to stay cool. Dad takes a drink of his water and says, “This water is wet.” I said, “That’s odd. Mine’s not.” He says, “You must have Canadian Dry Water.” Lol.

*Hahaha! Dad was just talking about a restaurant he went to in TX with my Aunt Bobbie a long time ago where the waitress sat down in the booth and started chatting like she knew them. What’s funny is that Dad said the name of the restaurant was the “Outhouse!” Lmao! I said, you mean “Outback” don’t you? He said, “Yes!”

*Had to go to town for groceries today. It’s so hot and humid. It was nice and cool in the car. Looked in the mirror before I stepped out of the car, and said “My hair is flat already. I guess I can’t be beautiful every day.” Dad and I both chuckled a little and then he says, “Only one day a year to find a man.” WHAT????? I just walked into the store scratching my head.

*Definitely feeling old. I read this (below) to Dad and he said, “I don’t remember any of that.” Lol.


*Dad’s watching DNC and out of the blue he says, “Eat shit and bark at the moon! That’s what I always say!” My crazy world. Lol.

*Yesterday I don’t think it hit 30 degrees all day. Today it hit 40. I feel colder today than I did yesterday. Dad agreed…..and then added, “Maybe we have reverse osmosis.” Never a dull moment, I swear. Lol.

*Me complaining this morning: “I don’t know what’s worse; hot flashes or the freakin’ stray hairs growing out of my face!” Dad’s response: “You could always join the circus.” Thanks, Dad. Lol.

*That moment when your father says, “I know one thing….I’m not getting one of those transvaginal implants no matter how much money they’re paying.” (He’s referring to the law suit commercials and of course just being silly.)

*Checking out in Walmart today, the checker accidentally knocked a large box of canned cat food onto the floor, landing on Dad’s foot. She was so worried and felt so horrible, saying “Are you ok? Are you ok?” Dad says, “I’m ok. It landed on my big toe that’s not there!” Lmao! Checker says, “Are you serious?” Dad says, “Yes. It landed where my toe would have been, had it been there.” We all got a good chuckle out of it. (For those who don’t know, Dad has 2 missing toes on one foot….shot gun accident years ago.)

*TWD & popcorn night. Trying to explain to Dad that even though the bowl is bigger, it’s the same amount of popcorn I make him every Sunday. “But it’s a bigger bowl,” he keeps saying. Silly man.

*Dad says, “I’m going to be a cat when I grow up.” Lol.

*Coming up a hill on the way home today, had to hit the brakes for 3 people crossing the road on horseback. After they crossed I waved and continued on my way. Dad, in all his silliness says, “I didn’t know they still made horses.” Lol. He’s always throwing stuff like that at me and it cracks me up every. time. 

*After slowly getting up out of my chair, I told Dad I was tired of trying to get around like a normal human being. Dad said, “Maybe we should just cut off your legs.” I said, “I would probably get around better.” Dad said, “You’d be a bit shorter but…..” Lmao! Leave it to Dad.

*After a few groans, Dad says, “I thought you were suppose to be dead before rigor mortis sets in.” Good grief. The things that come out of his mouth. Lol

*So, Dad and I are watching AGT and talking about how Simon Cowell is better than Pierce Morgan and Howard Stern. Dad said with more than a little disgust, “Oh yeah. That Stern guy has been a dick all his life and all of mine too.” Lmao! 


So, that just about sums up my life with Dad. He keeps me on my toes. Sometimes, when we go to Walmart, any Walmart, he will ask me, “Have I been here before?” I keep telling him, “One of these days you’re going to be serious and I won’t know the difference.” He’s so funny and my best friend. I don’t know what I would do without him.

Thanks for reading. I hope you got a good chuckle!

15 thoughts on “Shit My Dad Says

  1. These really made me chuckle – aren’t parents precious?! I was in the car with my Stepmum once and Shania Twain was on the radio. All of a sudden she gasped and changed channels saying something about how inappropriate it was for that time of the afternoon. I was ever so confused, Shania had been singing about a man kissing his car at night? Sure it was a little unusual but nothing offensive??

    Turns out my Stepmum had misheard and thought she was singing about someone kissing their c*ck goodnight! LOL!

    Liked by 1 person

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