Feeling Nostalgic = Feeling Old

Today is the day I first met someone very special in my life. My first-born child, born on Friday the 13th, March of 1987. She’s 31 years old today!

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                   Image Copyright Being Aunt Debbie

S.R. was due on the 6th of March, but leave it to her to be stubborn from the very beginning! When she was a week late, I went into labor. I suffered through 18 hours of hard, back labor. That child was so stubborn she refused to come out! Joking aside, S.R.’s head was too wide for my narrow pelvis. I was relieved (and scared at the same time) when the doctor decided to do a C-section.

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          Image Copyright Being Aunt Debbie

I was so happy to meet my baby for the very first time! She had a cone head for a few hours but “ain’t nuttin’ wrong with her head now!” She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen…..I know, all moms say that, right?

Since S.R. was born on Friday the 13th, the nurses tried to pull one over on us and list her birth date on her birth certificate as the 14th, which was not accurate at all. I made them change it. Maybe it wasn’t intentional as I can’t believe people are that superstitious!

My Dad, being the huge comedian he is, pegged S.R. with the nickname Jason, from the Friday the 13th movies. He still calls her that from time to time and it still makes me laugh.

My dear, beautiful daughter has been through some hard times, bad decisions, and heartbreak but she has come out of it stronger than ever. She has grown into a strong, independent, and responsible young woman. She’s a great mom and I’m proud of how far she has come. I just wish she didn’t live so far away! (I’m told it’s just a 5-hour drive and 10 years ago I could have done it, but not now.)

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                      Image Copyright Being Aunt Debbie

The problem with S.R. turning 31 today, is that I too am growing older. No one told ever told me how old I would have to get to see my children grown and living their own lives! The years keep adding up and I keep getting older… Soon, but not too soon, S.R. will be my age and wondering where all the years have gone! She will be feeling old and nostalgic just like I am right now.

My beautiful daughter, if you’re reading this please know how much I love and adore you. I am proud of the young woman you have become. I hope you’re having a wonderful birthday celebration today! When you come visit, I’ll make your favorite cake and we’ll pig out like we used to! Happy Birthday!

Dream a Little Dream of…..

Do you ever have strange dreams? Do you ever wonder where the heck that came from?

Oh boy. I have some strange dreams and I have mentioned a few in my blog. Usually, they make me laugh because they’re ridiculous as heck. I think the strangest dreams I have are those I have while napping in the middle of the day. I have no clue why.

Yesterday, I was a bit sleepy because I got up earlier than normal. So, I decided to take a nap. I fell asleep quickly…which is more than I can say for bedtime. It takes me hours to fall asleep at night. I don’t know why. While I napped, I dreamed that my kids were still small and my daughter had a little friend over. When the girl’s mother came to pick her up, she immediately went to my daughter’s room to get her child ready to go. The woman stopped to look at magazine photos on my daughter’s bedroom wall, of basketball players of all things. I don’t know why basketball players as my daughter was never into sports or sports figures. Anyway, the woman looked appalled and I immediately quipped, “Is there a problem?” The woman grabbed her child and said, “Let’s go!” As she went out the door, I hollered at the woman, “At least they weren’t holding their d*cks!” OMG. I have no idea where that came from because I have more class than that! But it was just a dream, so no big deal.

Next, it seemed like I went directly into another, non-related dream. I was driving a minivan, carrying 2 or 3 passengers in the back seats. I don’t even own a minivan, nor have I ever driven one. We were traveling on a 4-lane road, which was divided into 2 one-way sections. Where I should have been in one of the lanes on the right side, I was on the left….but I was going the correct direction. The road was quite busy, with very fast-paced traffic. All of a sudden, another vehicle came straight for me, with police cars on his tail. Sirens were screaming! But since the vehicle being chased was going in the opposite direction as everyone else, he was unable to move his way through. The traffic was too thick. (Not sure why there weren’t multiple car crashes, but it’s just a dream after all.) As the criminal tried to get away, I decided to be heroic and I wedged his vehicle between mine and the police cars. The man looked at me, got out of his car and started to point a gun at me! I yelled at everyone else in the vehicle to get down, and we all ducked down as quickly as we could. The police were able to stop the man from shooting at us, and before long a police officer was telling us to keep moving. I remember before I woke up thinking, “Where’s my thank you?? I helped you apprehend this guy, you ungrateful pigs!”

Not even 20 minutes later, I was watching the local news. There was a report of a minivan traveling on the wrong side of the highway and a crash resulted in the death of another driver. I got goosebumps all over my body. I had just dreamed that I was driving a minivan, but I wasn’t the one going the wrong direction, the other car was.

Where did this dream come from? Why was it so similar to the report on the news just a few minutes later?

Strange, very strange indeed.

A Mother’s Love

A Mother’s Love knows no boundaries. She forgives and is patient. She protects and supports her children. Mother will love unconditionally all of her children, and that love will last a lifetime. That love is pure and unselfish. Mother’s touch is gentle but her love is fierce!

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I know my own mother loved me and my sisters but she had problems. She would never admit it and if she had been confronted with those problems she would have yelled, “There’s nothing wrong with me! It’s everyone else who has the problem.” No lie.

I know she did the best she knew how considering her own mother was a single mother who worked in a bar and on her ‘off’ time she sat on one of those very same bar stools commiserating with my Dad’s mother. Small world, ‘eh? My mother and her brother were left to fend for themselves and got into all kinds of trouble since they had no adult supervision.

Anyway, I have always tried to be a better mom to my children than my own mother was to me and my sisters. It hasn’t always been easy and any parent knows how difficult parenting can be! I’m sure as hell not perfect, nor would I ever claim to be, but I did the best I could. Frankly, I think I did a pretty damn good job!

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I don’t get to see or even speak to my children every day. I don’t even know if they have ever read my blog. I just hope that S.R. and C.F. know, I mean truly know, how much I love them! No matter what mistakes they have made or will make in the future, no matter the disappointments, and no matter the differences of opinions, they will always hold the biggest piece of my heart.

Forever and always.

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A Woman’s Poem

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A Woman’s Poem — Does any of that sound familiar to you? If it does then you have most likely wanted to take a cast iron skillet to your husband’s head a few times. But, we don’t. Why? Because that’s not who we are. We are friends and we are mothers. We are daughters, sisters, aunts….. What will our loved ones do if we go to prison? We don’t want our children to live without their mother, our sisters to lose a sister, a mother to lose a daughter…..so we either a) put up with the bullshit or b) LEAVE. There’s also a C: Put up with the bullshit, walk on egg shells for a few months or years…and THEN leave. My choice was C, mostly because I felt stuck. (No job, 2 little kids, no where to go….)

Seems that I was always being compared to how his mother did it or how his uncle did it.  OR: The way HE would do it. I didn’t clean the floor the way HE would have, I didn’t make the sauce the way his uncle did it, I made the beans the way my dad liked them because he was coming for a visit instead of the way HE liked them, or the famous “That’s not how my mom did it.” Well, you know what? Too damn bad.

The problem at first was ME. Yes, me. I was looking for acceptance. I didn’t get acceptance from my mother. I was never good enough or I never did something the right way in her eyes. So, what I really needed was acceptance…from someone, anyone. My ex SAID he accepted me, he treated me as if he accepted me, at first. When all the criticism came, I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t doing my job correctly. I felt like a complete failure. I was always looking for that acceptance so I always tried to do it the ‘right’ way, to please him.

When my daughter started preschool, I started meeting other parents. I witnessed other husbands taking the time to show interest in their child’s education, showing respect to their wives, and actually participating in the family as a whole. When my daughter’s class arranged a Father’s Day celebration and my ex couldn’t take the time to show up, it really opened my eyes!! Boy, was this an eye opener!! My daughter’s teacher sent her to the office to call home and I went to the school immediately to sit in for her father. She was very upset. The thing is, I told him about this event 3 weeks prior. I reminded him each week that it was coming up. Still, he never even attempted to get that day off, not even a half day. For his own child. 

I started to realize that the way I had been living was NOT normal. Screw this relationship. I was doing all the work. I was mother, father, nurse, teacher, playmate, house keeper, cook…. If I was going to do all the work myself I might as well do it BY MYSELF!! Oh, he went to work to provide….blah, blah, blah. He went to work sometimes. He didn’t always work. When he got laid off, he sat around the house drinking coffee and then beer, playing solitaire, all while in MY way. I was running a Day Care in our home to put food on the table because he couldn’t be bothered with finding another job to tide us over until he got called back to work. We were always 3 months behind on the rent because I didn’t make enough money and he sat on his ass. All he did was tell ME how I wasn’t doing something the right way, and not lending a hand to help at all.

Some things happened that I will save for another post, but this relationship ended June 6, 1993. That’s when I knew it was over and there was no forgiving, no forgetting, no going back. I made every attempt after leaving him to keep him connected to his children but he couldn’t handle it. He said, “It hurts me too much.” Seriously. I can’t even imagine how the kids felt when their father all of a sudden just stopped communication with them. My kids were 6 and 3 when we left.

I never looked back.

 

 

 

 

Bittersweet

My daughter, S.R. and my grandson, D.M. have moved out. I wish them the best naturally but I will worry about them, no matter what….and I most definitely will miss them, A LOT!

It’s been strange here without them. I wake up in the morning to absolute quiet, a clean kitchen and no toys on the floor to stumble over. When I brush my teeth I can’t believe the space on my counter. One roll of toilet paper has lasted us 2 days instead of just one. My living room is again, a living room, instead of a play room. Things that I had to put out of D.M.’s reach are now easy to get to. No more searching for my remote controls! There are no more temper tantrums right in the middle of my tv shows! No more loud foot steps of a two year old’s running feet when I’m trying to take a nap. Dinner time is odd without them both sitting at the opposite side of the table. The laundry room isn’t constantly in use. I no longer have little feet on my heels as I go outside. It’s rather sad….

I’m enjoying the calmness; something my house hasn’t seen in a long time, but I miss my grandson something terrible. I miss his great big squishy hugs and the kisses he gives me and then wipes off. I miss his sign language (one of his own creation) and the facial expressions that follow. I miss tickling under his chin, and hearing that uncontrollable giggle. I don’t know why he’s so ticklish there! I will miss the completion of his potty training and his words for pee and poop – ‘ewee’ and ‘woop’. I will definitely miss watching him play when he doesn’t know he’s being watched. He’s quite amusing! I love him so much!

Of course, I’ll miss S.R. too. She’s my baby girl after all. My Friday the 13th baby, who to this day is still called ‘Jason’ by her grampa. She has made some bad choices and learned from them. She will continue to learn from her experiences and choices. She’s my oldest child, my only daughter. She is the most loyal person you could ever meet. She has a good heart and kind soul. I watched her grow into a beautiful young woman and I’m proud to say she’s my daughter.


I love you baby girl!