It was nice to have a day out, just me and Dad, even though it was only a simple outing to Walmart and lunch at Ruby Garden. It was quiet. No grand babies crying. No daughter incessantly talking. No “other daughter” pecking out text messages all day long….tick..tick..tick. No son and “other daughter” bickering and pushing each other’s buttons. The drive was peaceful and I was listening to my favorite music on the way. We had Chinese food, all you can eat. Can’t beat that. It was Senior Citizen day too so Dad got a discount! We took our time shopping, eating and enjoying the peace and quiet that we really miss. We enjoyed adult conversation along with a really screwed up, immature topic of conversation and spent most of the day laughing. My Dad really is my best friend and I couldn’t ask for a better Father either!
One of the hardest things a person will ever have to do is lose someone they love. When my grandmother passed in 2000 and when my mother passed years earlier, it was the most difficult feeling to stomach. That sick feeling passes after awhile but you just never get over the loss.
It’s also very difficult to lose a beloved pet. My daughter’s pet ferret, Peanut, passed yesterday. He had been ill and the thought of seeing him suffer was unbearable. There was nothing we could do for him. He was once a vibrant, playful crazy ferret who loved to play and hide toys under the couch. Next thing we knew, he was unable to use his hind legs. Coupled with other symptoms like loss of appetite, weight loss, incontinence and tarry stool, it was looking very grim.
We learned that he most likely had a tumor on his pancreas, causing low blood sugar and all the other symptoms. Surgery was the only thing left for him, but he was probably too weak to survive it. Even if he did survive the surgery, he would have to be on medication the rest of his life. The sad thing is that the rest of his life might have only been 4 months or so. So after hundreds of dollars in tests, surgery and drugs, to have his life be extended by only a few months seemed cruel. Why put him through so much pain and agony?
Making the decision to have him euthanized was difficult. We had to do this, for him. Let him rest in peace, knowing that he was loved and cared for by every single one of us. That sick feeling of loss will go away but we will never forget Peanut. He brought us many laughs and lots of kisses.
Rest In Peace, Peanut. We love you and we will miss you very much.
Do you remember your very first apartment? Do you remember how you felt when you first moved out of your parents’ home and into your own place? I do. I was so happy! I was excited to be able to start living my life. I was thrilled to have a place to call my own. It was so awesome to be able to clean my house when I wanted to clean it, wash dishes when I felt like it, do laundry on my schedule, etc. I could eat when I wanted, cook when I wanted and shop for the groceries I wanted to buy. I could arrange my furniture in my living room just the way I wanted to. I could decorate according to my tastes. I could do what I wanted, without consulting my mother or have her interfere. She still tried but it was my life now and I was happy to start living it!
That’s the feeling I want my daughter to experience. That’s how I want my son and his girlfriend to feel. I want that for them. The excitement, the thrill, the freedom.
For months now, I’ve had both children back home. My daughter and her son, now age 15 months, and my son, his girlfriend and their baby girl, who is now 10 months old…add to that my dad, 4 cats, 2 ferrets and an iguana, all under one roof. This house is very small and I’m not sure I’m going to make it! Don’t get me wrong. I love them all dearly. I will always worry about them no matter what.
They really do need a place of their own so they can live their own lives without me always being there to help them, clean up after them, guiding them. I need them to be independent. I need them to be free.
I need my life back! I need to feel excited about cleaning my house again. I need to feel free to do “my own thing” again. Is that selfish? It feels that way sometimes but then other times I feel like “Hey, I deserve to live my life now. I’ve been busy taking care of them for a long time. I feel like now it’s my turn.” Is that so wrong?
Hot and humid. Air conditioner is on. Washer and dryer are both going. My grandson is banging his toys on the big aluminum bowl I gave him to play with. I’m at the kitchen sink with the water running trying to clean up the mess my daughter made when she cooked dinner. There’s a fan blowing the cool air from the front room to the kitchen just so I don’t melt while doing dishes. Other family members are doing what they normally do. The tv is on; time for Shepard Smith on Fox News. It’s louder than usual so we can hear it over the air conditioning. Household noise. Just can’t get away from it especially in a small house.
Dad walks through the kitchen talking, trying to tell me something he just heard on the news. I can’t hear him. He repeats what he said, coming back through the kitchen. If he would just stand still and near me I just might be able to hear him. I still can’t hear all of what he said. He gets frustrated and says “nevermind.” He thinks I have a hearing problem. He talks softly. Sometimes he’s moving from one room to another while talking. This has happened so many times before. I have tried to get through to him that I can’t hear him through the running water, washer, dryer, tv, fan, air conditioning, etc.
I guess I must be deaf.
A few nights ago, I dreamed that I was in dire need of a vacation. I just needed to get away. In fact, I wanted to just disappear. I’m really feeling this in reality so I can understand why those feelings came out in a dream.
The funny thing about the dream is that Criss Angel was there. (If you don’t know who Criss Angel is then you need to look him up…. He’s the ultimate illusionist!) Anyway, I wanted so much to disappear and Criss Angel was happy to oblige. He directed me to a very large, refrigerator-sized cardboard box. He helped me climb inside and closed the box. I heard some mumbo-jumbo and then it was completely silent. It felt as though I was floating. I felt no fear, no pain, no aggravation, no anxiety whatsoever. I was at peace. I was happy and calm. I had no worries.
Then I woke up. Those warm, calm feelings were gone. It was time to get up and face another day filled with stress and worry.
Now when I’m feeling like I want to just disappear, I ask myself (and sometimes aloud) “Where’s Criss Angel when you need him?”