Category Archives: Ramblings

Thoughts & Revelations

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Today is the 67th day Dad and I have stayed home. Other than hitting the liquor store, the bank, and the pharmacy drive-thru windows, that is. I’ve had many thoughts over the past couple of months and I thought maybe I should put them in writing. It’s been difficult to get back to writing in my blog and it has taken me 3 weeks to finish this post. There have been days of anger, days of sadness, and days where I have been completely drained and discouraged, but I have finally completed the task! I just hope it’s coherent. Hahaha.

Just to be clear, these are MY thoughts and MY opinions and no one else’s. If you don’t agree then fine, don’t agree. Just move on…

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1. We are a nation of spoiled brats. That’s right, I said it. People are up in arms about being asked to stay home, and now, after states opening up again people are being absolutely hateful for being required to wear a mask before entering an establishment. That proves nothing except how spoiled they are. The me, me, me mentality rears its ugly head. Wearing a mask or staying home to save lives or at least to slow the advancement of a deadly virus is just an inconvenience! Nothing more. AN INCONVENIENCE, TEMPORARY. I am sickened by the headlines of violence taking place because of a mere inconvenience. And don’t give me your cockamamy bullshit about your rights being violated. It’s your right to go out and contract COVID-19 but it’s not your right to put others in danger in any way, shape, or form. It won’t kill you to wear a mask because you may be asymptomatic and not know it, therefore spreading the virus.

2. I have learned that I don’t need as much as I thought I did. In order to avoid stores, I managed to buy most things online and if I couldn’t find a certain item, then I’d just go without. Even toilet paper. Yep. Even toilet paper. I purchased UNpaper toilet paper and UNpaper paper towels from an Etsy shop. UNpaper products are made from cloth, in case you’ve not heard of this before. Use, wash, reuse. Simple as that. No stress about finding paper products online or in the stores.

3. I’ve learned that I’m perfectly fine with fewer friends. I’ve recently cut ties with people I’ve known much of my life because I’ve had it with their attitudes. I can handle differences of opinions. I don’t mind a discussion over different views, however, when I state my opinion on a subject and someone decides that I must not know “x, y, or z” and they make it a point to say “you may not know this but…” or “but what you don’t understand is…” it really pisses me the fuck off. I mean, just because my opinion is different does NOT mean that I don’t know something, or that I don’t have all the facts! Of course, I don’t know everything and I may not have all the facts, but just because my opinion is different than someone else’s doesn’t mean that a person (who claimed to be a friend) has the right to invalidate my opinion by assuming that I mustn’t know “x, y, or z.” I don’t have time for such nonsense.

4. Regarding doing research… It cracks me up when people read an article put out by the CDC and then start telling people to do their own research. Wtf is up with that?  Do they really think that ANY research that I (or they) do can beat the research put forth by the CDC? By scientists? Ridiculous! The CDC has been in existence for nearly 75 years and its sole purpose has been to research communicable diseases and protect public health. I think they know a little more than some idiot who spent 2 hours watching YouTube videos!

5. I’ve seen some very inspirational stories of people lending a helping hand; donations, delivering groceries to the elderly, kids using their own saved money to purchase items for the needy, people handing out toilet paper from the trunk of their vehicles, and the list goes on. Why can’t everyone be so selfless? Instead, they purchase items that they may already have at home, leaving shelves empty and someone else to go without. Shameful.

6. Over the years you’ve heard people complain about store clerks and fast-food employees wanting higher wages; living wages. And during the stay-at-home time those essential workers have put themselves and their families’ lives at risk so we could have the groceries, paper products, etc., that we need. Don’t you think they would have liked to stay home to prevent illness? They weren’t afforded that luxury if they wanted to keep their jobs. Don’t you think they would have liked to protect their families? So, let’s just give them a higher damn wage because they deserve it!

7. That brings me to the fact that nurses, doctors, CNAs, cleaning crew, lab personnel, technicians, EMTs, police, firemen, etc., have all put their lives on hold and in danger to take care of us. They have families, too. Many of them stayed away from their families and probably still are staying away, so as not to expose their spouses and children to COVID-19. I am very much in awe of each and every one of them because quite honestly, I’m not sure that I would have been that selfless. They are the heroes. We all owe them a huge THANK YOU.

8. Most of us like to think that we are self-sufficient and for many things we are. But during a pandemic like the one we are experiencing, we are realizing how much we really do depend on others. It’s hard handling things alone. We need each other. We are in this together.

9. I can’t even begin to imagine how women and children in abusive relationships have felt being locked down with their abusers. Kids, whose only respite was to go to school, who have been suddenly stuck at home, are suffering at the hands of some abusive narcissist.

10. I have anxiety and depression to deal with but I can’t imagine having those issues or worse with no one to lean on. Can you imagine living alone and being quarantined with no one for support? Mental Health is always very important but during this time it is especially important so if you know someone who has issues, please reach out to them. You could be their only lifeline.

11. This pandemic is enough to cause panic, anxiety, depression, etc. People panic when they feel they no longer have control of their own lives. This is why hoarding was so out of control, and still may be in some places. Anxieties build up, depression swallows. Be kind. Be thoughtful. Be helpful.

12. Teachers and schools have stepped up during this time and delivered food to their students, provided lessons online, and I’ll bet you’ve seen stories of teachers going the extra mile to help their students with their studies while stuck at home. They’re so amazing!

13. And one final thought: Those who are spreading conspiracy theories need to STOP! We have enough on our plates already. Stop making things worse!

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I’m not sure that Dad and I will feel safe to go out for a few more months, but who knows. Maybe that second wave won’t happen. Maybe things will go back to a somewhat normal way of life. We can only hope…

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Hypervigilance Rears Its Ugly Head

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Oh, boy. I had a rough night. My anxiety is at full throttle. I don’t mind staying at home because it’s pretty normal for me anyway, however, I miss the option of going out IF I so choose. That’s not what’s causing my anxiety. My anxiety is coming from the deep, dark crevices of my feeble brain…and my brain wants to know “will this nightmare ever end?” It’s worrisome. It’s frightening. Not knowing what’s going to happen, how it will all play out is what’s causing my anxiety. My therapist once told me that I most likely had PTSD from some rather nasty personal experiences in my life and I’m sure this pandemic has added to it. Anxiety and I had an agreement; I will chill if anxiety would chill. We were doing well until last night.

I went to bed at 2am and I wasn’t even sleepy. It took about an hour to drift off. I slept for about 2 hours before waking up. As I lay there, trying to fight through my pain so I could go back to sleep, I became very aware of every sound known to man. That’s an exaggeration…I think. I heard the clock in the kitchen ticking…tick, tock, tick, tock. I heard one of the cats walk across the kitchen floor. I usually hear them when they run through the house but walking? I’m pretty sure it was Alice.

A few minutes later, I hear this horrible rumbling and I had to get up to see what it was. The water heater. I never hear the water heater! Then, coyotes in the distance. It sounded like they had pups. Then gnawing… Damn critters in the walls. Gnaw, gnaw. I pound my fist on the wall above my head. I’ve spooked them and now I hear the little footsteps running. A few minutes later, more gnawing. Good grief! The refrigerator is making some gawd-awful noises now!

Getting close to daybreak and I hear an owl at a fair distance so it wasn’t too loud. Now, a fucking woodpecker is in the tree outside of my bedroom. Knock, knock, knock. I hope he knocks himself cuckoo. Crunching. Crunching? What the hell is that? One of the cats is eating dry kibble. Drip, drip. Kitchen faucet dripping. Honey Bear is snoring at the foot of my bed. I hear a whistle and realize it’s my damn nose. My stomach growls and at first, I think it’s another critter. Nope. But now something is in the crawl space above my closet. I can hear it moving around. I hope it’s big enough to fucking kill me and eat me, I thought. I hear a cat scratching on the scratching post now. Ssshhh….I thought I heard a door open. I got up to check it out. I never figured out what it was. Maybe that critter in the crawlspace found his way in and is going to kill me now.

I turned on the a/c in my room just to drown out the noises. I should have used my earplugs. Earplugs are a wonderful invention! With my earplugs, the only sounds I hear are the sound of my heart beating and my own breaths. It’s very relaxing; I wish I’d have thought to use them. It’s 7:30am by this time. I wasn’t having any luck going back to sleep so I just got up.

After chores and lunch, I crashed in my lift chair and took a nice 2 hour nap. I slept hard. I wish I could sleep like that at night and in my bed. Ugh.

Sunday Morning / Day 35

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It seems like I’ve been in this house for 135 days, not 35. The days are long and boring. They have been boring prior to this pandemic, but at least then I looked forward to going out on occasion. Right now, I don’t even dare go to the grocery store for fear of bringing the virus home to Dad. Besides, the way they have the stores set up right now, I wouldn’t be able to handle it. Only allowing so many people in the store at once means that I would have to wait in line and I doubt my legs would let me get any further. Inside the store, IF I were able to make it that far, some stores have one-way aisles and most have 6-foot markers. I don’t have time to stand there waiting for the person in front of me to move another 6 feet. I mean, I have all the time in the world BUT with my pain level and mobility issues, I have to get in and get out quickly, which would be next to impossible right now.

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I’m ordering most things online, but thankfully, we don’t need a lot because we had our freezers and cabinets full (as we always do) before the stay at home orders. We’ve run a bit low on meat, but we have some shelf-stable meals to help. I’ve also ordered a few things from Schwan’s so that will help with the meat situation, as well. My son is going to the store for me; just a few staples like bread, butter, potatoes, bottled water. I will need to order more canned cat food soon as The Pack has informed me that we only have 22 cans left. Hahaha!

I think Dad is a bit more stir crazy than I am. He wants to go out and have lunch but I’ve told him the only way we will do that is if we fetch food via curbside or use the drive-up window. Unfortunately, we live too far away to take advantage of delivery services. I was informed that prices have been jacked up sky-high by some places; like McD’s, 3 simple meals for $50. Ridiculous and this ol’ broad would have to be starving to eat at McD’s in the first place let alone at that price!!

I’m trying not to be negative at this point but I really don’t see things ending well for this country. We need competent leadership to unite us during this most challenging time. I’ll stop there before I say what I really think about our current leadership or lack thereof.

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I hope you all are staying safe and making the most of your situation. That’s about all we can do right now. I am asking one favor of you all. If you read this, please comment where you’re from and how you’re doing. What are you doing at home to pass the time? I’d really love to hear!!

I just can’t seem to focus on my blog these days but I will try to write more in the coming days. until then, take care of yourselves, my friends!

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Day 25 and Counting…

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Dad and I have been holed up now for 25 days. Our lives aren’t much different than prior to the pandemic. I enjoy being home, doing my own thing but I like being able to go out if I so choose. Hopefully, this won’t last as long as I expect it to.

Yesterday, Dad and I did venture out. I needed to pick up my meds and Dad needed his wine. Both pharmacy and liquor store have drive-up windows so we never had to get out of the car. I never even had to get dressed! Jammies all the way!

I’ve been trying to stay away from Facebook as of late. I’m so sick of the misinformation and attitude of people these days. Some aren’t taking this virus seriously enough while others are bitching about the “shelter in place” order being an infringement of their rights. Come the fuck on, people! It’s temporary! I’ve had to unfriend several people over this past week. I’m tired of people talking to me as if I’m stupid, or as if I don’t have a right to feel the way I do. Sometimes the comments are so condescending I want to throat punch someone! I mean, what the fuck is it about ME that makes people talk down to me like that? Do I appear to be stupid?

I’m feeling heartbroken for our country, for the people who have died and their families. I just can’t believe this is happening to us; the USA! My only focus right now is making sure Dad is safe. My sisters are counting on me to take care of him since they can’t. I will see him through this. Our country will come through this even stronger, hopefully with a deeper appreciation for what we had/have.

My hope is that people won’t congregate for Easter, as this will prove to be a huge mistake. Our “shelter in place” is working, so let’s not screw it up! That reminds me of one year (many years ago) when my sister and her kids came for a visit in July. I decided to cram all the holidays into that one week. Imagine having Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Thanksgiving, and Easter (etc.)…in July! We had a blast! So, just remember you can celebrate Easter anytime when this is over!

So, I’m trying to stay positive even though my heart is heavy.  I can still go outside and enjoy the Spring! I hear the birds chirping outside my bedroom window as I type this. There’s a woodpecker in the walnut tree banging his damn fool head; it almost sounds like he’s headbanging to a classic heavy metal song. The redbuds and dogwoods are blooming. The air is fresh and warm. There’s a cold front moving in. They say tomorrow it will be near freezing.

I appreciate this life, although a bit interrupted and inconvenienced. It will pass….slowly, but it will pass. Be grateful, friends, and stay safe!

 

2 Weeks and Counting…

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Social distancing isn’t new to me. It’s something I’ve been doing for many years now, even before I became disabled. I enjoy my alone time. I like the peace and quiet. I like being alone with my own thoughts, most of the time. Right now, I’m not happy being alone with my thoughts. My anxiety is high. I can’t sit still. I’ve not been able to write. My thoughts are so scrambled! I know I’m not alone. I may be having a hard time at the moment but I’m not in panic mode….at least not yet.

So many people are concerned about running out of toilet paper, bread, milk, and other things that they’re panic buying. They aren’t thinking (or just don’t care) about others who also have those very same needs. Thankfully, Dad and I always have our freezers and cupboards stocked, but eventually, we will run out and I will have to venture out. We have been in self-isolation now for 14 days but I think we have enough food to last another 3 -4 weeks!

If you know anything about me, then you’ll know that my 83-year-old Dad is my biggest concern. I worry that when I have to go out I could bring the virus home to him. I worry that he will want to go out, too. If Dad contracts COVID-19 and ends up in the hospital, he will be there all alone with no family beside him. If he doesn’t pull through, he will die alone. Let that sink in.

If a loved one is hospitalized with this virus, they will be alone, with only doctors and nurses. That includes your children. YOUR BABIES. Can you imagine the fear and anxiety they would experience if you are not there for them? You won’t be allowed. Simple as that. If YOU contract the virus, who will take care of your babies?

Stay home for your loved ones! If you still have to go to work, then take precautions! Do what you have to do so that you don’t expose your children and other loved ones to COVID-19. Wash your hands, a LOT. Use hand sanitizer when soap and water are not available. Wash your clothing and shower before you give your children hugs! Disinfect your shoes! Coronavirus can live on your shoes for 5 days! Disinfect surfaces, a LOT! Protect the people you care about and protect the people the rest of us care about, too. Please.

We all need to do our part and listen to the scientists and doctors! We have to get through this together, not divided!

Take care of yourselves, everyone!

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A special and heartfelt thanks to doctors and nurses, other health care workers, truck drivers, store clerks and cashiers, gas station attendants, police, fire and rescue, and everyone else who is working diligently to protect us, serve us, and help us during this stressful time.