Hypervigilance Rears Its Ugly Head

Oh, boy. I had a rough night. My anxiety is at full throttle. I don’t mind staying at home because it’s pretty normal for me anyway, however, I miss the option of going out IF I so choose. That’s not what’s causing my anxiety. My anxiety is coming from the deep, dark crevices of my feeble brain…and my brain wants to know “will this nightmare ever end?” It’s worrisome. It’s frightening. Not knowing what’s going to happen, how it will all play out is what’s causing my anxiety. My therapist once told me that I most likely had PTSD from some rather nasty personal experiences in my life and I’m sure this pandemic has added to it. Anxiety and I had an agreement; I will chill if anxiety would chill. We were doing well until last night.

I went to bed at 2am and I wasn’t even sleepy. It took about an hour to drift off. I slept for about 2 hours before waking up. As I lay there, trying to fight through my pain so I could go back to sleep, I became very aware of every sound known to man. That’s an exaggeration…I think. I heard the clock in the kitchen ticking…tick, tock, tick, tock. I heard one of the cats walk across the kitchen floor. I usually hear them when they run through the house but walking? I’m pretty sure it was Alice.

A few minutes later, I hear this horrible rumbling and I had to get up to see what it was. The water heater. I never hear the water heater! Then, coyotes in the distance. It sounded like they had pups. Then gnawing… Damn critters in the walls. Gnaw, gnaw. I pound my fist on the wall above my head. I’ve spooked them and now I hear the little footsteps running. A few minutes later, more gnawing. Good grief! The refrigerator is making some gawd-awful noises now!

Getting close to daybreak and I hear an owl at a fair distance so it wasn’t too loud. Now, a fucking woodpecker is in the tree outside of my bedroom. Knock, knock, knock. I hope he knocks himself cuckoo. Crunching. Crunching? What the hell is that? One of the cats is eating dry kibble. Drip, drip. Kitchen faucet dripping. Honey Bear is snoring at the foot of my bed. I hear a whistle and realize it’s my damn nose. My stomach growls and at first, I think it’s another critter. Nope. But now something is in the crawl space above my closet. I can hear it moving around. I hope it’s big enough to fucking kill me and eat me, I thought. I hear a cat scratching on the scratching post now. Ssshhh….I thought I heard a door open. I got up to check it out. I never figured out what it was. Maybe that critter in the crawlspace found his way in and is going to kill me now.

I turned on the a/c in my room just to drown out the noises. I should have used my earplugs. Earplugs are a wonderful invention! With my earplugs, the only sounds I hear are the sound of my heart beating and my own breaths. It’s very relaxing; I wish I’d have thought to use them. It’s 7:30am by this time. I wasn’t having any luck going back to sleep so I just got up.

After chores and lunch, I crashed in my lift chair and took a nice 2 hour nap. I slept hard. I wish I could sleep like that at night and in my bed. Ugh.

Ramblings of My Mind

Well, Happy June! It’s still raining off and on here in SW Missouri. I wish it would stop for a bit. Some parts of the state have had major flooding, not to mention tornadic activity, and that’s never good news! We’ve had some tornado warnings, which is always worrisome, but we’ve been lucky in that regard. The rain is another story, though. A couple years ago it was so bad that one of our major roads suffered damage and the bridge was totally destroyed. It wasn’t repaired for months and months! It was a high bridge, too! It was so unbelievable that a bridge that high above the water was even in danger. I just wish it would stop raining for a bit.

I woke up at 5am this morning and never could go back to sleep. I just couldn’t shut my mind off. I thought about things I hadn’t thought of in years. It was driving me insane so I just got up. I tried watching some tv but being Sunday there’s not much on in the way of entertainment. I’m sure not going to listen to some preacher telling me how to live my life. I saw a few gadgets on infomercials I’d like to have…but I have no room to put them so off went the tv. I’ve been piddling about the house ever since, getting little things done a little at a time. I have a feeling by lunch I’ll be ready to fall asleep.

Last month, I was able to reconnect with an old friend who moved back to the area after being away for a few years. We’ve shared lunch, drinks, and some shopping since she’s been back. It’s been great catching up…and laughing. We’ve done a lot of that!

To the lady at the intersection who ran through the 4-way yesterday without even stopping: Try staying off your Goddam phone before you kill someone! It’s a good thing I was on top of things because you would have been in a heap of swear words and chin deep in a can of whoop ass if you would have hit me! (Too bad I don’t know who she is and that she’ll never see this.)

So sick of people insisting that we shouldn’t be eating this or that. Good grief. Give it a rest. People have minds of their own. If they want to eat bread, let them eat bread! If they want to eat sugar-coated cereal, then leave them to it. If they can’t afford to buy organic, stop telling them they can. How the hell would you know?? Mind your own damn business.

I have a ghostwriting job this week. I hope this leads to more work. I’m not the best writer in the world and never claimed to be, but someone likes my writing style enough to hire me, twice. I’m looking forward to it and I think of it as another way to improve my skills.

Jack is doing well, knock on wood. He hasn’t had any major asthma episodes for a while now. As soon as I hear just one cough out of him, he gets an extra dose of his prednisolone, as per our vet’s instructions. It’s working so far.

Poor Sammy. The stray black cat who has been hanging out here disappeared for about 2 weeks. When he came back he was covered with ticks and had scabs and bare spots where he had scratched himself so much. I felt so bad for him I treated him with Frontline Flea and Tick. He disappeared for another 2 days and then when he came back, I didn’t see any more ticks! The scabs and bare spots will take a while to heal but he’s on his way. Poor thing. He’s a very friendly cat, so I think he belongs to someone. The sad thing is, they must not really care much about him to have let him get in the condition he was in. It’s so sad. Some people don’t deserve to have pets.

So, that’s the ramblings of my mind this beautiful day…