Category Archives: About Me

Spiders, Ick!

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I have a (possibly irrational) fear of spiders. Any kind of spider. ALL spiders! They give me the heebie-jeebies. My son used to tease me by touching them, knowing it would not only make my skin crawl but it would also make me feel nauseated. Just the sight of the above photo makes me shiver! Weird, right?

I check my bed every night before I go to bed. I check the sides of the bed. I check the walls and the floor in my bedroom. I shake my clothes and bang my shoes on the floor before I put them on. If I feel a tickle on my skin, the first thing that comes to mind is that a spider is crawling on me. IF a spider really is crawling on me, you would see me doing the “OMFG get it off me” dance and I would be freaked out for the rest of the day!

If I see a spider right before going to bed at night, all I can think about as I lay in the dark is that there’s a spider coming down the wall, or there’s one crawling up the side of my bed. I know it sounds absolutely nuts, but I can’t help it!

I was bitten by a Brown Recluse several years ago, not once. Not twice, but 3 damn times! I made the mistake of not checking my sweater before I put it on and it took 3 times before I realized I was being bitten. It felt like a “nerve tickle” and didn’t hurt. I was freaked out for weeks after that! Thankfully, I didn’t suffer any adverse effects from the bites. They say some folks are immune to the venom of the Brown Recluse. (Yes, I went to the doctor!)

I was up until 3 am one time a few years ago, just trying to get a spider. I saw him in the kitchen on my way through. He scampered across the floor and went right into my bedroom, and under my dresser! That fucker had to go! No way could I go to bed with him in there. Now, just so you know this was NOT a small spider! This creepy bastard was the size of the palm of my hand. If I let him get away, there’s no telling where he might turn up! I grabbed my broom and my handy spider spray. I had to move the dresser and I managed to spray him, which slowed him down considerably. It took hours, but I finally got him and still didn’t get any sleep that night!

When I was working as a Medication Technician at a nursing home in the 90’s, a huge spider came running out from under the snack machine in the hall. Someone had placed a plastic cup over it and called the charge nurse to get rid of it. Since this was late at night, the maintenance crew was gone. They normally took care of the icky stuff for us. The charge nurse picked up the plastic cup, thinking she was going to smash it or something but that spider took off running so fast she couldn’t get it. What did it do? It came right towards me! I let out a blood-curdling scream that woke several residents from their slumber and I ran like hell!

I know, I’m such a baby!

When I wonder why I’m so terrified of spiders, my mind always goes to the story my mother told me many years ago. She said that one day when I was small, I was playing outside on our driveway, just outside the kitchen. Mom told me that she caught me trying to pull a black widow spider out of a crack in the cement and she hollered at me to stop. She said I had been afraid of spiders ever since. I don’t remember the incident so I don’t know what she yelled, but I often wonder what she actually said to get me to leave the spider alone? Could that be the reason I’m ready to crawl out of my skin upon seeing a spider?

Give me snakes, cicadas, grasshoppers, beetles, rats, mice….cockroaches even! Just keep the damn spiders away from me!

What are you afraid of? Do you feel that it’s irrational? Do people laugh at you? I know a guy who is afraid of butterflies and moths. Go figure. Too bad I couldn’t trade fears with him.

Adios, 2018

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As I prepare to leave 2018 behind, I’m thinking about my life and how much stronger I am today. I detest “New Year’s Resolutions” because after a few short days (maybe even weeks) those resolutions are forgotten. Instead, I’m focusing on who I am today.

  1. I’m a good person with many flaws, but I try to better myself every day.
  2. I have regrets, but I refuse to get stuck in the past.
  3. I value honesty, respectfulness, love, manners, and education.
  4. I have a great sense of humor. Sometimes, I can literally crack myself up!
  5. I love my family. I would die for my children and my grandchildren.
  6. I love animals and I have a great reverence for nature.
  7. My furbabies fill my heart each day as they allow me to love and care for them.
  8. I despise drug pushers, thieves, and abusers. ZERO tolerance!
  9. I am very self-conscious about my looks, my body, my writing, and even my voice.
  10. I believe I’m a good friend. I always listen, offer encouragement, and advice if asked.
  11. I value my alone time. I might read or write, listen to music, or watch tv. Sometimes crocheting eases my mind better than anything else.
  12. I am an introvert, but when I’m within my own circle I’m not shy and I tend to be more vocal.
  13. I tend to have a stubborn streak when it comes to figuring things out. I will persist until I accomplish my goal!
  14. I’m not brave but I would stand up for someone being wronged in a heartbeat! I believe everyone is equal. It doesn’t matter what race, religion, or sexual orientation. Don’t go spewing hatred because I will call you out!
  15. I cannot handle stories of hungry and dying children or animals. I literally cry. It hurts my heart.

I will go into 2019 seeking knowledge and betterment of myself. I will continue to improve my writing, get back on my weight-loss journey, and I will discover new things! I can’t wait!

What are you thinking about tonight as 2018 comes to an end?

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Happy New Year to all of you! Thanks for reading my blog!

 

 

Goodbyes

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I had my last appointment with my therapist last week. She gave me the head’s up a couple of months prior. She had been offered a wonderful opportunity and was working out the details with the powers that be. I was (and still am) thrilled for her because this seemed like exactly what she needed. I was also pretty bummed that after 6 years I would be alone in dealing with “the shit” life has thrown my way. Saying goodbye was not something I was looking forward to. I despise goodbyes! But I started thinking about how this is a goodbye to the psychologist but not to my friend. Dr. M has been more than just a psychologist. She has been my friend. 

Dr. M has helped me to recover the tools I need to deal with the shit that has been thrown at me and any future shit coming my way. I had the tools all along but I forgot how to use them. She has helped me to realize that any guilt or shame that I carried (from certain events) were not mine to carry. She helped me to identify the toxic relationships in my life and gave me the courage to set boundaries and let go of those who weren’t respectful of those boundaries. I’ve learned many things from Dr. M and I am so grateful to have had her guidance for 6 years. It was awesome to share a few laughs along the way, too.

Someone asked me recently, “Are you ok? Do you feel abandoned?” The answer is, “Yes, I’m ok,” and an absolute “No, I don’t feel abandoned at all.” Dr. M will give me a referral if I need one. I know I’ll still be in touch with her because she’s my friend. I have her cell phone number and her email. I know I am stronger now and I have the tools to deal with the shit that flies in my direction. I’m not worried about my mental health anymore. I’m going to be just fine. 

Before leaving my last appointment, (which began with so much laughter that my Dad heard us from the waiting area) Dr. M and I talked about having lunch sometime since we are no longer therapist/client. The appointment ended with a hug…and more laughter! It’s been great but now it’s on to bigger and better things for her… and I’m making some plans of my own. 

SNAP!

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When I was a kid I can’t remember a time that my mother wasn’t trying to make me feel stupid. I don’t recall her ever telling me that I did a great job. She criticized me a lot; told me that I colored outside the lines or one sock was up higher than the other…things like that. I don’t recall if she ever even told me I was pretty when I was a little girl. To be fair, just because I don’t remember doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

But I DO know that as a teenager I DO remember. She never gave me praise for a job well done. She took every opportunity available to make me feel stupid, to make me feel that I wasn’t smart enough to excel in anything. If I showed interest in a certain class or activity, she would do everything she could to let me know that I wouldn’t like it, or that I wouldn’t do well. Many times, when expressing my own opinion she responded with, “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Granted, teenagers think they know more than they really do but they should never be stifled the way I was.

Mom always made me feel like I was wrong for being smart, that somehow I wasn’t allowed to be smart. I know now though, that it was HER problem, not mine. She didn’t have but an 8th or 9th-grade education so she was very resentful that I had a better education that she did. Things were different back when she was young, and I was afforded much better opportunities.

To this day, I get angry when people talk to me like I’m stupid. I literally SNAP. Visualize Bruce Banner getting angry. There ya go. I know it’s unintentional most of the time and I choose to let it go, but when it happens over and over again? Enter The Incredible Hulk!

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2:23am

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Here I sit at the computer, in the wee morning hours of Monday. I went to bed at 9:30pm Sunday night because I had 3 yummy Kahlua Mudslides and they really kicked my butt. (I should know better than to have more than one of any kind of alcoholic beverage!) After 3 hours of sleep, I was wide awake!

This is the time of the year when I get depressed. I just hate the holidays! I have never been a fanatic about the holidays but when my kids were growing up, I always tried to make it nice for them. It was fun making memories. I looked forward to having a house full of grandkids on the holidays to make even more special memories….but that’s where the depression comes in.

I don’t get to spend the holidays with any of the grandkids. It appears the newest grandbaby will be no exception. I’ve seen him 3 times since he was born, Sept. 1. I know they didn’t want to take him out until he was a bit bigger so I had no problem stopping by to see him. Chronic pain and mobility issues prevented me from stopping by more often. But now, my son and his wife are going here and there, spending time with her family…and here I sit waiting for them to come see me. They have gone out of town, and apparently, I won’t be seeing them on Thanksgiving either. So, it will be just Dad and I, once again.

That’s where the Kahlua Mudslide came in… I’m sick of feeling unnecessary, left out, and unwanted. I know alcohol doesn’t help but on the bright side, as I sit here my pain level is pretty low! Bazinga!

Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty. Mother TeresaRead more at_ https_www.brainyquote.comquotesmother_teresa_131834_img=2&s