Early Childhood Memories

I was thinking about my childhood the other day and I began to remember many things I had long forgotten. I then tried to think back as far as I could and I recalled two memories from when I was very small.

Memory #1

I was around 4 years old and in nursery school. I remember having apple juice and graham crackers for snacks. I remember crying a lot because I felt lost. I also wanted to ride one of the tricycles that the other children got to ride, but for some reason, I was not allowed. I feel like something significant happened there because to this day, the smell of apple juice brings me back to that nursery school and makes me want to hurl. I wish I could remember more. Maybe I shouldn’t…

Memory #2

I think I must’ve been around 5 or 6 when my mom and dad and I went to Missouri to visit one of my mom’s relatives. I remember a teenage girl nicknamed “Butter” and she had bright red hair. She was always looking at herself in the mirror and fixing her hair. I looked up to her at the time. She seemed so sophisticated! I wanted to be just like her! I remember an older woman, whom I adored because she was so kind and loving. She was always cooking something delicious! She reminded me of Hazel, The Witch, a book that I had read myself or had someone else read to me. I can’t remember which. I’m pretty sure we were on a farm but the only animals I remember are pigs. I laugh now but back then I stood on a hill and threw rocks down below at the pigs in a pen. Poor little pigs. I wonder where everyone else was when I was doing this? Were they not watching me? I could have wandered off and got lost or hurt myself, being a little girl not used to country life.

How far back can you remember?

SNAP!

When I was a kid I can’t remember a time that my mother wasn’t trying to make me feel stupid. I don’t recall her ever telling me that I did a great job. She criticized me a lot; told me that I colored outside the lines or one sock was up higher than the other…things like that. I don’t recall if she ever even told me I was pretty when I was a little girl. To be fair, just because I don’t remember doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

But I DO know that as a teenager I DO remember. She never gave me praise for a job well done. She took every opportunity available to make me feel stupid, to make me feel that I wasn’t smart enough to excel in anything. If I showed interest in a certain class or activity, she would do everything she could to let me know that I wouldn’t like it, or that I wouldn’t do well. Many times, when expressing my own opinion she responded with, “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Granted, teenagers think they know more than they really do but they should never be stifled the way I was.

Mom always made me feel like I was wrong for being smart, that somehow I wasn’t allowed to be smart. I know now though, that it was HER problem, not mine. She didn’t have but an 8th or 9th-grade education so she was very resentful that I had a better education that she did. Things were different back when she was young, and I was afforded much better opportunities.

To this day, I get angry when people talk to me like I’m stupid. I literally SNAP. Visualize Bruce Banner getting angry. There ya go. I know it’s unintentional most of the time and I choose to let it go, but when it happens over and over again? Enter The Incredible Hulk!

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