Tag Archives: sadness

The Hag

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Wow. I am finding some of my old writings and it’s a sorrowful glimpse into the past. My sisters, my Dad, and I had been through all kinds of hell with my mother and this particular piece I found really brought those memories to the surface. I wrote this about the time my parents finally got divorced andMom had left the state; she actually left when my youngest sister was still in high school. My poor Dad had been put through the wringer for so many years! I remember being fearful that I was going to be just like my mother and I didn’t want my kids to know that person.

~~~

The Hag

I can’t think of a hug or a kiss that I care to remember from my dear, ‘sweet’ mother.

I remember the pain of feeling about one inch high because I didn’t do something exactly right.

I remember the pain when my mother left, but I never felt better when she had finally gone.

We all found peace of some kind, especially Dad, who is finally free.

I don’t think I can ever be free because I fear that I am her and she is me.

I want my kids to remember a loving mother, and not the hag I will turn out to be.

~~~

Mom passed away after an auto accident about a year or so after she left. She was the type of person who defied anyone who told her what she could or couldn’t do and that included laws. She refused to wear a seatbelt because she said she shouldn’t have to if she didn’t want to. She said it was no one else’s business.

Tragically, she wasn’t wearing a seatbelt when she fell asleep at the wheel. (Mixing alcohol and medication will do that to a person, as well as impair your ability to make sound decisions…she wasn’t good at that in the first place.) She was thrown from her truck and died instantly.

Such a very sad time, but in my heart, I knew something was going to happen because of the way she had chosen to live her life.

RIP Korn, My Bubbers

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My heart is breaking, yet again. On Wednesday, I said goodbye to my 15-1/2-year-old, Korn. He had kidney disease and arthritis in his back legs. He was not the happy cat he once was. His health had been declining since they were all sick last February. I knew it was just a matter of time before he would be suffering, so I made the difficult decision to let him go. I had been agonizing over it for weeks.

This is an older pic of him when he was younger and happy. I hope he knows how much I love him and will miss him. I hope Korn and his bud, Fuzzy have met up and are swapping stories about how they chased rabbits together or how they drove me nuts wanting out and coming in again, over and over.

 

 

 

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Image Copyright Being Aunt Debbie

 

 

 

Reliving A Nightmare

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Last night, I dreamed of my mom who was killed in a car accident in August 1992. She had been drinking and popping prescription pain relievers. She was not wearing a seat belt and was thrown from the vehicle. In my dream, she was alive and I had the opportunity to stop her from not wearing her seat belt. Did she listen? No. She didn’t like anyone telling her what to do or what not to do. I woke up feeling that same pain and sadness as I did almost 19 years ago.

When my parents were still married, many times she called my Dad a “know-it-all.” She resented the fact that my father was a college graduate and she barely finished the 9th grade. Many times, I was also a “know-it-all.” There was aways a conflict brewing in our household. She always took the opposite stance on any subject, regardless.

I understand completely not liking being told what to do; I don’t like it either. But common sense steps in and takes over. Common sense tells me to wear a seat belt. I hope common sense tells my grown children to wear a seat belt. I raised them to be responsible, self-reliant human beings. I hope they understand that wearing a seat belt can not only save their lives but also ensure that their children have a mother/father in their lives.

Although my mother and I butted heads and were often at odds, I still wish she were here. If she had just worn that seat belt she would be enjoying her many grandchildren and her 2 beautiful great-grandchildren today. She was 50 years old the year she died and would now be nearing 70. It would be wonderful to have a mom to talk to about personal things or just to have a little girl talk. Of course, that would be in a perfect world because mom was so argumentative that our girl talk would have turned into a cat fight!

I still wish she were here…..

Sadness

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Sadness floods my heart tonight as my son and his long-time girlfriend are separating. The sadness is not in the separation so much, but in the fact that my grand daughter will be affected by this. She’s in the middle, as all children are when parents separate. The sadness surrounding the separation is more about the years spent together and events lived through. So many years were invested in this relationship and for it to just end like this makes me want to cry. I’m hoping that they will still be friends and do what’s best for my grand daughter. She deserves that much and more. The sadness is overwhelming when I think too much so this post is becoming quite unbearable. Tomorrow is another day…perhaps things won’t look so bleak.