Tag Archives: sadness

Betrayal

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Good Morning, my friends! I hope the weekend has been kind to you all. By now most of you know that I have been through some things in my life that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. Although my experiences aren’t as traumatizing as other people’s experiences, they have had a profound effect on me. 

I was scanning through my Facebook feed quickly yesterday and I saw something that resonated with me. Betrayal is part of the reason my circle is so small. Sometimes, the people closest to you can hurt you the most. The fact that they choose to do so is even more hurtful. I’m sure many of you will relate to these words by Valerie Stanton as much as I did.

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“Betrayal is an act that goes beyond mere disappointment or a breach of trust; it is a deliberate and intentional decision to be disloyal. When someone betrays another, they make a conscious choice to act against the interests or expectations of the person who trusted them. This calculated breach can shatter the victim’s sense of security and belief in the goodness of others.

The pain experienced by the victim of betrayal is profound and multifaceted. It’s not just the loss of trust, but also the emotional devastation that accompanies the realization that someone they believed in has consciously chosen to hurt them. This kind of pain can be overwhelming, leading to feelings of disbelief, anger, and deep sadness. The shock of betrayal often lingers, affecting the victim’s ability to trust others in the future and sometimes even altering their perception of themselves and their worth.

At this crossroads, the victim faces a crucial decision: whether to remain stuck in the pain of betrayal or to move forward. This choice is much like pulling back an arrow on a bow. Holding onto the arrow symbolizes clinging to the pain and resentment, keeping one trapped in a cycle of hurt and mistrust. Releasing the arrow, on the other hand, represents letting go of the past and allowing oneself to heal and move forward. This process of release and moving forward is not easy and requires courage and strength. It involves acknowledging the pain, processing the emotions, and ultimately choosing to not let the betrayal define one’s future. In making this choice, the victim can reclaim their power and take steps towards healing and personal growth, transforming the pain into a catalyst for resilience and renewed hope.”  ~~Valerie Stanton

Thursday… Birthday… Cookbook…

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Thursday, the day before my 62nd birthday. Yay. I feel like I’m 80. It would be nice to spend my birthday with my grandchildren and children. My daughter is in another state so I won’t be seeing her or her children for quite some time. My son? Well, he’s just 15 miles away and I never hear from him. He never even checks on us. His children do not know me and that makes me sad. I’m invisible. I’m expected to go see them. How can I do that when I can’t get up the steps to their house? My son knows this. It’s too hot to sit outside especially now that the a/c in the car bit the big one.

So, my birthday will be spent with Dad. We are going out for lunch but I’m not sure where since my favorite restaurant closed down permanently. I’m really bummed about that. I’ll miss the friendly servers and the manager. I’ll miss the avocado enchiladas and the chicken tortilla soup. Yes, I can probably find recipes to make these at home but 1) cooking is rough for a person who is disabled and 2) it won’t be the same. I would love to duplicate the broth of the soup and the green sauce that comes on the enchildadas. Damn, my mouth is watering.

I have a pinched nerve in my back, again. It sure plays hell on my legs. Sometimes they just burn like a mofo and I can’t do much of anything. Yesterday, I couldn’t even bend over to pick up something I had dropped on the floor. Some days are better than others. Some days I just want to jump off a cliff. But I keep on truckin’ because who’s going to look after Dad if I don’t?

Since my cookbook is finished, I thought I’d get back to writing but I didn’t have a very good start. I wrote once this week, twice counting today. I guess that’s something. I just need to figure out what to write about because I’m sure y’all don’t want to hear about my troubles all the time!

Speaking of my cookbook… Aunt Debbie’s Best. A Collection of Family Favorites. 184 recipes total. Spiral bound. $30.00 includes shipping. I tried to keep the price down but cost for printing was a bit more than I had anticipated. Things are so expensive these days. Personal checks and money orders only. A great gift for Christmas! Recipes include:

Spicy Chicken Bites
Corn and Black Bean Salsa Dip
Granny’s Banana Bread
Buffalo Pull Bread
Great Gramma’s Bierock
Sloppy Joes To Die For
Ham and Cheese Egg Muffins
Make Ahead Hashbrown Casserole
Homemade Ravioli
Stuffed Shells
Honey Garlic Chicken Breasts
Chicken Enchiladas
Stuffed Bell Peppers
Red Beans and Rice with Andouille Sausage
Aunt Debbie’s Loaded Potato Salad
Creamy Bacon Dressing
Aunt Debbie’s Italian Spaghetti Sauce
The Best Turkey Brine in the World!
Salsa Verde Chicken Soup
Chicken Tortilla Soup
Popcorn Cake
Russian Tea Cakes
Papas Fajitas
Spinach and Mushroom Pizza
Granny’s Pierogies
Stuffed Zucchini
Instant Pot Charro Beans
Instant Pot Lima Beans and Ham
Homemade Accent Seasoning
Koolaid Playdough
….and many more!
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Order your copy soon! You can use the contact page if you’re interested or you can email me at castlefreak62 @ yahoo.com and that would be with no spaces! I will then send you my mailing address. I have an issue with PayPal, Venmo and the like so I can only accept checks and money orders at this time. Sorry for the inconvenience.
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Signing off for now. I hope you have a great weekend. Stay cool, and please don’t leave your kids or pets in the car!
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Ha!

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Daily writing prompt
What’s the most fun way to exercise?
View all responses

You’re kidding, right? 

Back in the day, I would say hiking would be the most fun way to exercise. Not only is hiking a great form of exercise, but if you’re hiking in the right places you’d be experiencing nature’s beauty and glory! I loved hiking. I dreamed about it. I planned backpacking trips with my Dad. It makes me sad and angry that I can’t do that anymore. 

These days, I’m lucky if I can walk from the living room to the bathroom with crutches. 

Nowadays, a scooter (if I had one) would be my most fun way to exercise! 

I Loved Him Once

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My ex has been the subject of The Ex-Files for quite some time. I am discontinuing this series until a further date, if at all. It just doesn’t feel right.

CP has been a heavy smoker for most of his life. Smoking 2-3 packs a day will catch up to you eventually. It has been my understanding that he’s been on oxygen for the last 10 years and has continued to smoke. How did he think it was going to end?

A few days ago, I learned that CP was in the hospital. My first thought was Covid. Nope. He had COPD. Most likely other health issues that I am unaware of. He was being moved to Hospice. He passed away yesterday.

You know what? I was sad. I even cried. I didn’t think I’d be upset but I was/am. I cried because you just don’t live with someone for 12 years and have 2 kids with them and not care. I really didn’t think his death would affect me in this way.

It made me sad that CP never knew his children, but that was his choice. I was sad because he died alone. I learned that my son went to see him, though. My son said that CP knew he was there but that’s all I know at this time. My son is still on his way back home. I regret that my children never had a relationship with their father but that wasn’t all on me. I tried. I always tried to make things work, but he didn’t do his part. I left CP and took the kids but he has known for 30+ years where we live and had all the information needed to stay in touch. He chose not to.

I have written in this blog about the BS I endured with CP. He was a jerk, and he was a bit narcissistic and controlling, but he wasn’t a bad person. He was messed up but it wasn’t all bad memories. We had some good times, too, like…

  • Our first date. We went to a Tom Petty concert.
  • The drag races! I loved going to the drag races.
  • The time I went to pick CP up at his uncle’s house. He had been spray painting dry wall or something and had white paint all over him. He was sitting in front of a white wall and when I walked into the room I didn’t see him anywhere. I asked, “Where’s CP?” Everyone laughed as CP stood up.
  • The time we went miniature golfing for the first time. Funny! Neither of us knew what the hell we were doing!
  • Being broke and all, we rarely went to sit-down restaurants. Usually it was fast food and it was time spent together laughing and talking about life’s mishaps.
  • The first time I met CP’s mother, and sisters in Las Vegas. I really had a great time being with them all. It was our first trip together.
  • Family dinners; aunts and uncles, cousins all around. None of my aunts and uncles or cousins were local. It was nice to be a part of this large, close family. They all made me feel welcome and CP was always happy I was there, too.
  • Then, there’s the births of our children. We both felt the joy of our little ones coming into this world. Proud parents we were! I wish that feeling had lasted for him; long enough to have led him to choose to stay in touch with them.

I have a lot of bad memories but the good ones, like the ones above, make me smile. There are more but those were just off the top of my head. I have to remember that I loved him once…

Yes, I Have Changed

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Chronic pain and I have been well acquainted for about a decade now. I’m not happy with that at all. I’d like to kick its sorry ass to the curb.

I try my damnedest to put on a brave face, to smile around others; to not allow pain to ruin my life but I’ve been unsuccessful. Sure, in the beginning, it was easy. In the beginning, the pain wasn’t constant and didn’t reverberate throughout my entire body.

I’m writing this not for sympathy but for understanding. So many people don’t understand what it’s like to live with constant debilitating pain. They don’t know what it’s like to not be able to do the simplest of tasks; the tasks you once did when you were younger or before the pain took over your body. They have no idea how difficult life is for a person with chronic pain.

I’m not lazy. I’m in too much pain to do chores like you. I’m not unsociable. I just can’t put on a brave face or a smile and enjoy someone’s company most days. It’s not that I don’t want to see my friends or family, I’m just in too much pain. Pain is exhausting! I do care, more than you will ever know but most days, I get out of bed and do only what I MUST do, like shower, do a load of laundry, or fix something to eat. I only leave the house to do what MUST be done like pick up groceries, go to the doctor or some other appointment. Once a week Dad likes to go out and eat. I go with him because it’s the only thing HE does or WANTS to do these days. He’s not going to be around forever. He’s going to be 83 years old in February. I want him to do the things he likes to do, even if it kills me.

I just can’t be the person I used to be. Pain has changed me. Chronic pain affects your mental health, changes your moods, behaviors, the way you interact with people, and even your personality. People try to help with their sure-fire remedies but they don’t understand. They think you’re not trying to get better or not doing anything to help yourself. You stop socializing. Family retreats because they can’t help you or don’t know what to say. You become more and more isolated, from friends, loved ones…and LIFE. You’re now saddled with not just pain, but loneliness and sadness. You feel unnecessary. Your life is not what you envisioned it to be. You can’t really see a future for yourself.

I hope that if you know someone who suffers from a chronic illness, that you might be a little more understanding of their situation. Offer to help with chores. Let them know they’re necessary and important to you. Understand that they do care about YOU. Make them laugh with a funny story. Help them feel that they matter. Help them to feel less isolated and lonely.

As I mentioned before, I’m not writing this for sympathy. Writing helps me – like meditation might help someone else. I write to convey a message, or just to get things off my chest. Sometimes, I can connect with others in similar situations and maybe offer moral support. I’m thankful for all those people who help or have helped me in the past, be it moral support or something else.