Friendship Lost

Wow, it’s been over a year since I last posted in this blog!

Well, the good news is that I am back and after a long year of therapy, I am in a better place. Anyone who knows me, knows I have been through the wringer the last couple of years. Therapy has helped me separate myself from the actions of others and to not carry blame or guilt that is not mine to carry. I have learned to distance myself from things and people who expect more from me than I have to give. I have learned that I don’t have to help everyone. It’s not my job! I can’t help someone who won’t help themselves…which brings me to the subject of this post.

I had been trying for a very long time to get a friend of mine to get some help for her depression, whether it be a medical doctor or a therapist. She always responded with, “You’re the only therapist I need,” and other such statements. I’m not a therapist. I can’t help her with her depression. I was going through my own bouts of depression. I could listen, sure. But after every conversation, I would be exhausted, totally wiped out. I often wondered if this was normal in a friendship. Deep down I knew it wasn’t, but she was my friend. What was I suppose to do? I fought with myself daily! I tried to tell her that I was going through some things that I couldn’t talk about. I told her many times that I was having a hard time myself and that I couldn’t handle her problems AND my own. It didn’t seem to sink in. It didn’t seem to matter. She would dump everything on me and it would suck every ounce of my energy! Don’t get me wrong, I KNOW she has every reason to be depressed. She’s been through some horrible events over the past few years. I feel for her. But I want her to get some help.

Therapy helped me to realize that it’s not my job to take care of her (or anyone else) and that if she’s not willing to help herself then what else can I do? I had to tell her. I tried my best to explain. I told her I couldn’t help her and she had to help herself. I told her I had to distance myself from her until she got help for her depression. That went over like a fart in Church.

Immediately, she went on the defensive. I expected that. I also understood. She was hurt. I knew that it would hurt her but I was taking care of ME, something that I had not done in many years. I always put myself on the back burner. Not anymore. I was done.

What I didn’t expect, was that she would take this to the extreme. She blocked me on Facebook and THEN called me a hypocrite for talking about her behind her back. (Who blocked whom and then started talking trash about the other? Not me.) She made up lies and told half-truths about me and my family. She showed her true colors. She doesn’t know that I know what she said, but since I DO know, we will never be friends again. How can she be trusted?

She said I was throwing away our friendship because she has a disease called depression. It’s not the depression itself; it’s her inability or unwillingness to get help. I didn’t throw away the friendship. I put it on the back burner, instead of my own needs…. for once. She threw away our friendship when she gave me a bashing on Facebook.

This friendship has weighed so heavily on me for years because I couldn’t help her. If I didn’t care so much, then none of this would have been an issue. I did what I had to do to protect myself and it was my last-ditch effort to get her to do something. I hoped that it would jolt her into realizing she needs to take care of herself. I guess it was wishful thinking…but it’s her issue, not mine.

Nothing Else Matters

Things are getting out of control in this country. With murder, crimes against women and children, shootings, stabbings, and other senseless crimes, what can we do?

We can start with some gun control. Ok, I can hear the haters and the bashing already. Let me explain. I don’t have a problem with folks having a gun to protect themselves, their families, and homes. I’m not against people having what they need for hunting. I do, however, have a major problem with the fact that the average person can purchase weaponry and gear that goes above and beyond the normal needs for protection and hunting. It is getting out of control! Yes, it’s people who kill, not guns. I get that. What I don’t understand is, why are we making it so easy for CRAZY people, and people with ill intentions to do the things they do? We have to protect the innocent and we aren’t doing that by allowing people like James Holmes to get their hands on the gear and weapons he used to kill and injure innocent people! We allowed him to do these atrocious things to the people and town of Aurora, CO. People’s lives were cut short. Mothers mourn their children. Children mourn their mothers and fathers.  People mourn their brothers and sisters, their friends, and co-workers. My nephew lost a good friend. (My nephew could have been in that theater that night, but had other plans.) All this grief because WE make it easy for the bad guys. Why is our right to bear arms more important than protecting our children? People are bitching continually about how “the government wants to take away our guns/rights” and they fail to see that our children have the right to grow up without constant fear of being shot to death. There is no reason the average person needs assault rifles and 100 round clips! Give me a break!

I can’t help but wish I could pack my bags and move my loved ones to an uninhabited island or country, or perhaps a planet in a new galaxy. I know this is unrealistic so I have to focus on things in my life that make me happy. Here’s a few things (not necessarily in this order) that make me happy:

*My 3 year old grand daughter playing the drums at a local music store last week. It was such a joy watching her! I will be taking her back there. She may have a musical calling that can’t be denied!

*Seeing my grandson make such monumental progress in his speech development. It’s wonderful to see the excitement in his eyes when he’s talking to me about something! I look forward to his next achievements!

*My wonderful sisters, who are always there for me, although so far away. I absolutely cherish our conversations, no matter how ridiculous they are!

*My Dad, my best friend. He may drive me insane at times but he makes me laugh like no one else has. I enjoy having him in my life.

*My children! I love them both and have enjoyed being their mother. They have made me laugh, cry and sometimes scream! I am so thankful I was blessed with them so many years ago.

*Waking up to a quiet house, a fresh pot of coffee, and being alone with my thoughts. This is a nice time for me to plan my day and WAKE UP!

*Rockin’ out to music! Not just hearing it, but feeling it. Not just understanding the lyrics, but feeling them.

*The moments I have during the day to pursue my crafts, and hobbies such as reading, writing, and crocheting.

*Although I have no use for the intense heat and humidity, I love the first morning light, fresh air, and the sound of the birds starting their day.

*Seeing a full moon on a cool night, and marveling at the vastness of space and what lies beyond the farthest stars I can see.

*Seeing the beautiful colors of nature after a nice Spring rain. The rain seems to wash the dirt away and the colors become more vibrant. Have you ever noticed the many different shades of green after a rain shower? Awesome.

*Doing something nice for someone who doesn’t ask for, or expect anything.

*Keeping up with my family and friends on Facebook. Goodness. What would I do without Facebook to keep me updated on the comings and goings of everyone I care about?

As I sit here with my juicy, red watermelon, my scattered thoughts, and my music blaring, I think about all the things in my life that I’m grateful for and the things that make me smile…. At this moment, Nothing Else Matters.

Metallica cover song, Nothing Else Mattersby Apocalyptica (Acoustic version)