Lost In Sadness

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I’ve got a lot to say but these days, but it’s difficult to put it in writing. My mind is in overdrive and I can’t seem to concentrate.

My relationship with my daughter is strained, and I’m feeling….lost. How do you resolve an issue when the other person won’t speak to you? Sad thoughts fill my head daily. In hindsight, I think things could have been handled differently. At the time though, it was the only thing to do. I was put in an awkward position and I had to make a decision. Now, it seems like I have lost my daughter and the relationship I was growing with my grand son, one of the most important little people in my life…..

An invitation to Thanksgiving dinner and the desire to put the past in the past was not enough. I sat and waited for a phone call, a text or any indication that peace could be made. Nothing. Disappointment. Sadness. The everlasting urge to cry lingers. Do I stop hoping? Do I give up? How can I?

I’ve not seen or heard from them in over 2 months. I tell myself to be patient, that there is light at the end of the tunnel. But is there? I guess I wait……

I’m Still Here….

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I had worried about having gallbladder surgery for the past month. I worried that something would go wrong. This inspired me to clean out closets, drawers, cabinets etc. I threw away a lot of crap that I had accumulated over the years. Such clutter. I didn’t want to leave such a mess for my family to have to deal with if something went wrong during surgery. I had voiced my concerns with close friends and family. They all told me “Don’t worry,” “Everything’s going to be ok,” “You’re going to get through this,” “Nothing’s going to happen to you,” etc. Deep down I knew they were right but you just never know when something might go wrong. I wanted to have things in order just in case.

I wrote letters to my children, my Dad, my sisters and a few close friends. Letters to be opened only in case of my death or in the event that I couldn’t speak for myself. These letters were hard for me to write but I did it. I wanted them to know how important they are to me. I couldn’t assume they knew. Sometimes we get so busy with life, we tend to not say things we should and sometimes we say things we shouldn’t. I wanted the last words from me to them to be what was in the letters.

I also made lists of things like internet accounts, bank accounts, etc., so that my family would know what needed to be done and how. I made a list of certain belongings that I wanted my family members to have. I made a list of special requests if I end up in a nursing home. Yes. I did that.

I know, it sounds ridiculous now but I really was worried about leaving my family behind.

My Dad and my son accompanied me to the hospital and I kept it together quite well. I didn’t want them to see how scared I was. They were with me up until I was moved into surgical waiting.

 

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Image Copyright Being Aunt Debbie

 

The surgeon was about an hour behind. This led to even more stress and I could hardly wait for them to give me that sedative they had promised! When they did, I felt some relief, but it wasn’t as great as they said it would be. I was rather disappointed! When Paula, the surgical nurse came to see me, I had to go to the bathroom so she helped me wrap a blanket around me because my giant butt was peering out the back of that very fashionable hospital gown. Then she walked me to the bathroom with my IV bag in one hand and the other across the small of my back. She was very nice, as were all the other nurses, but she was my favorite of them all.

 

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Image Copyright Being Aunt Debbie

 

After I finished my business in the bathroom, Paula walked me back to my bed and then rolled me out of surgical waiting, through a set of closed doors and down a long corridor. I thought of the song Hotel California by the Eagles. Maybe I would never leave this place.

The operating room was freezing and everything was huge and sparkling clean. Paula helped me onto the thin, metal operating table. She put warm blankets over me. I farted. I thought to myself, “Oh my God, the surgeon is going to be so distracted by my bodily functions he’s not going to do it right!” Paula got my blood pressure cuff settled on one arm and a finger probe on the opposite hand. The anesthesiologist, Dr. Flock, came in and put probes on my chest. His name struck me as funny and I tried not to laugh but all I could think of was my Dad being silly. I know Dad would have jokingly said, “Get the flock out of here.” Paula strapped my arms down and also placed a strap across my upper legs. I was really scared at this point. Dr. Flock said he was giving me something in my IV bag (I don’t remember if he told me what it was) and that I would feel warm and sleepy soon. He put a mask over my face and told me to breathe deeply. I started to cry. Paula comforted me and I said something that I can’t remember now. My voice was very low and slow…

As my lights went out, Paula wiped a tear from my cheek and said, “It’s going to be ok.” THAT was the last thing I remember and all I can say is that Paula is a very, very special person.

Public Restrooms. Public Enemies?

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As I have mentioned in a previous post, I have many pet peeves. One of those pet peeves happens to be public restrooms. I don’t mind using a public restroom. What annoys me is the design and functionality of most. Each trip I have taken to Walmart in the past 2 years has led me to writing this post. It’s been a long time coming….

First of all, let me just reiterate that it is NOT the “public” part of the restroom I don’t like. What I don’t like is the design and function of those restrooms. Why don’t business owners and builders work a little harder to get this right? Surely, the following list of flaws aggravates others too! Read my list and then let me know your opinions.

1. Automatic Flushing Toilets.  Do we really need the toilet to flush for us? Is this something that’s so difficult for us humans to do? Granted, some people are lazy slobs who don’t flush when finished, but the majority of us do. I wouldn’t mind the automatic flushing, IF I were finished before the flush! Sometimes, a simple movement will trigger the sensor, telling the toilet to flush. Maybe I’m just too short or something, but this should be taken into account. Not everyone is the same height, right? I mean, when you’re sitting there and the toilet flushes 3 times before you actually stand up, there’s a problem. I have started draping a piece of toilet tissue (when possible) over the bar behind the toilet to cover the sensor! I have even considered bringing stickers in my purse to cover them! Who likes being splashed with “dirty water?” Not me.

2. Seat Covers. Some restrooms have them, some don’t. I wonder if the ones that don’t provide seat covers know that there are old women out there who actually squat over the seat to avoid germs…..and then actually get the seat wet (you know what I mean) for the next person? All I have to say is ewww and thanks a lot.

3. Toilet Tissue Dispensers. Ok, we need the toilet tissue dispensers but do they really need to be so low on the wall that the simple reaching for it triggers the automatic flush?? Sometimes they’re so low that it’s difficult just to get some tissue out. Do I really have to carry my own tissue?

4. Automatic Water Faucets. No touch means no germs. I get it. However, can the water just stay on long enough for me to finish? Why must I keep moving my hands about trying to get the water to come back on?

5. Empty Soap Dispensers. How hard is it for the soap dispensers to be filled at each scheduled restroom cleaning? Should I start bringing my own soap too?

6. Hand Dryers. Why must it take 5 minutes for my hands to be blown dry? I don’t know about you, but I’m always in a rush and if there are no paper towels, it’s much quicker to just drip dry or dab my hands on my pants. Thank goodness some restrooms also provide paper towels.

7. Dirty Door Handles. So….. They go through all the trouble of having automatic flushing toilets, automatic water faucets, no-touch hand dryers to avoid germs from being spread but they have doors with dirty handles. They forget about the people who don’t wash their hands before they leave the restroom. They still touch the door handle. Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of washing my hands and being careful not to get some unwanted germ that could make me ill? When I’m ready to leave the restroom, I use a paper towel (if provided) or my shirt to open the door.

8.  Small Stalls. Honestly, I have been in stalls that are so small and so poorly designed that my knees hit the stall door. Sometimes, I can barely get in the stall because the door swings in so close to the toilet. They can’t do better than that?

9. Writing On The Walls. Come on people. Grow up. Show some class. If you want to write on the walls, write on your walls in your home so the rest of us don’t have to see it.

That just about wraps it up. One last thing though before closing, though. I wish adults would teach their children some class and manners. Have you seen the messes left behind by young children? Ugh.

I’m positive I could think of a couple more things…..just give me another trip to Walmart to refresh my memory.

‘Those People’

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I always try to mind my own business. What other people (outside of my own household) do, is their business. Why should I care? I don’t appreciate when people stick their noses into my business so I try to stay out of theirs. I understand basic human curiosity and that there are just some people who can’t help themselves!

What I will never be able to understand, are ‘those people’ who are constantly trying to cause trouble for someone else. Instigators. These are the people I purposely go out of my way to avoid. I avoid them like spiders, dentists and doggy drool. I don’t want any part of their drama. Why do I need their ridiculous, childish acts of stupidity in my life? I have my own worries to deal with, as does everyone and it upsets me terribly when ‘those people’ cause trouble for someone I care about.

‘Those people’ make up lies, start rumors and say terribly cruel things to and about others. They don’t care that they’ve hurt someone. They try to make others look bad, feel bad and REACT. A REACTION adds fuel to the fire. That’s what they want. They do whatever they can to make themselves look superior. Well, guess what? I’m not fooled by their cloak of ugliness.

I shall continue to avoid them like spiders, dentists and doggy drool. I hope you avoid ‘those people’ too.

Bittersweet

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My daughter, S.R. and my grandson, D.M. have moved out. I wish them the best naturally but I will worry about them, no matter what….and I most definitely will miss them, A LOT!

It’s been strange here without them. I wake up in the morning to absolute quiet, a clean kitchen and no toys on the floor to stumble over. When I brush my teeth I can’t believe the space on my counter. One roll of toilet paper has lasted us 2 days instead of just one. My living room is again, a living room, instead of a play room. Things that I had to put out of D.M.’s reach are now easy to get to. No more searching for my remote controls! There are no more temper tantrums right in the middle of my tv shows! No more loud foot steps of a two year old’s running feet when I’m trying to take a nap. Dinner time is odd without them both sitting at the opposite side of the table. The laundry room isn’t constantly in use. I no longer have little feet on my heels as I go outside. It’s rather sad….

I’m enjoying the calmness; something my house hasn’t seen in a long time, but I miss my grandson something terrible. I miss his great big squishy hugs and the kisses he gives me and then wipes off. I miss his sign language (one of his own creation) and the facial expressions that follow. I miss tickling under his chin, and hearing that uncontrollable giggle. I don’t know why he’s so ticklish there! I will miss the completion of his potty training and his words for pee and poop – ‘ewee’ and ‘woop’. I will definitely miss watching him play when he doesn’t know he’s being watched. He’s quite amusing! I love him so much!

Of course, I’ll miss S.R. too. She’s my baby girl after all. My Friday the 13th baby, who to this day is still called ‘Jason’ by her grampa. She has made some bad choices and learned from them. She will continue to learn from her experiences and choices. She’s my oldest child, my only daughter. She is the most loyal person you could ever meet. She has a good heart and kind soul. I watched her grow into a beautiful young woman and I’m proud to say she’s my daughter.


I love you baby girl!