Category Archives: Health

“I Know!”

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This morning, I called the doctor’s office to make an appointment so I could get a new script for my meds. Normally, I would just call the pharmacy and they would take care of it BUT I haven’t had a TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) test in 2 years. It should be done every year to make sure my medication is keeping my thyroid on track but it just never got done last year and the doctor kept approving my refills. I didn’t squabble. But it’s been 2 years now so it needs to be done.

What I expected was a conversation like I had about 20 years ago with a different doctor’s office. I had called for the same reason as I called this morning. The receptionist said, “You need a doctor’s order for a TSH,” to which I replied, “I know. That’s why I’m making an appointment.” I think she decided to be difficult when she woke up that morning because she then said, “You need to just call the pharmacy and they will call the doctor, then the doctor will approve your meds.” I told her, “I’m quite aware of the procedure. I’m not doing that because I need a TSH and I would like all of my scripts ready to fill at the same time each month.” She was very quiet as if she was confused. I told her, “I don’t want to have to go to the pharmacy more than once to get my meds. One stop, all at once. Get it?” “She continued to be a bitch and said, “Yes, I get it but you need a doctor’s order for the TSH.” By then I was pissed. I think I yelled a little when I told her, “I know! That’s why I want to make an appointment!” She said, “The doctor will decide when you see her if you need a TSH.” I yelled again, “I know!! Will you just make the goddam appointment?!” I got my appointment and I hung up.

Not too long after that, I changed doctors. The next doctor was basically worthless but she had a standing order in my records to do a TSH every 6 months and that I need not make an appointment. All I had to do was walk in and they would get it done. Easy peasy. After not getting any help whatsoever when I started having pain and mobility issues, I changed doctors again.

The clinic I’m dealing with now utilizes Nurse Practitioners and Physicians Assistants. They seem to be ok, but I haven’t dealt with them for too long so I figured they’re probably just as incompetent as the rest. That still remains to be seen, however, I had no trouble getting an appointment with a Nurse Practitioner and I’m sure she’ll do a TSH because it’s been so long since my last.

I cringe at the thought of dealing with doctors, making phone calls; trying to explain myself to people in general. It just never seems to fail. They will either talk to me like I’m stupid or they just don’t understand what I’m telling them…. I used to think I just wasn’t expressing myself correctly but my therapist assured me that I express myself quite well. So, I know it’s not me, it’s them! They’re the stupid ones! Ha!

Anger Creates Hatefulness

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Sometimes things happen in our lives that break us or fill us with anger and resentment. I can understand those feelings, however, we mustn’t allow those emotions to swallow us whole. No matter how difficult things are, we need to rise above and rebuild if necessary.

If we let our anger consume us, it does more harm than good. It creates a hateful attitude and we sometimes lash out at others. It’s not our intention, but it happens.

I’ve let anger and other emotions overwhelm me several times in my life. I have great regret over my attitude during those times. Eventually, I came to realize that I was the only one who could make it right. The only one who could create happiness and peace of mind for me, was me.

I’m definitely not perfect and it’s hard to be positive all the time, especially with chronic pain issues, but I do try. I realize that anger does nothing to fix one’s problems…it just brings out the worst in us.

So, That Was Christmas

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I haven’t put up a tree in many years. Christmas had turned into a depressing time of the year for me. This year, I was determined to get into and stay in the Spirit of Christmas and not let past events and disappointments get the best of me.

I have a lot of holiday decor in storage, including a beautiful white tree with purple ornaments but aside from not having room for any of it, I’m just not physically able to decorate like I used to. So, I decided to go with a little table-top tree and very little decor.

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The entire week before Christmas I was busy baking cookies. I made double batches but I baked only one kind of cookie per day so my pain wouldn’t get the best of me. I made my famous “not-so-famous” popcorn cake the day before Christmas Eve. That was one less thing I’d have to do the next day! One of the most important (and fun) of my family traditions – the making of pizza balls – was saved for Christmas Eve. My son came over early to help. I rolled the pizza balls and he fried them up!

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I was taking short breaks to rest so my pain – again – couldn’t get the best of me. I had maybe 12 pizza balls left to roll when I decided to sit down in the old office chair I have sitting in the kitchen. After my brief rest, I started to get up…when all of a sudden the chair started to tip sideways…and down…I went. Hard. I landed on my left hip and thigh; the bad side…or more appropriately the worst side.

Once I hit the floor I rolled to my tummy and started making a mental assessment of my aches and pains. The pain was just shooting through my lower body like I had been hit by a bus. When I realized I hadn’t injured myself, I rolled over and sat up. Thankfully, my son was here to scoop me up off the floor! I tried to get up on my own but I couldn’t. If Dad had been the only one home, he would have had to call for help. There’s no way he could have helped me to my feet alone.

When I knew I would be ok to finish those last few pizza balls, my son left to go pick up his wife and my grandbaby. I knew that I wasn’t seriously injured but at the same time, I knew…I felt it in my bones quite literally…that I would be feeling pain the next day.

The evening went very nicely. We had laughs, the exchange of gifts, a Christmas movie, and a lot of good eats! My grandson was full of smiles and near-laughs most of the night. He had his cranky moments, of course. He had been out of his normal element all day and it was taking its toll on baby’s usual easy-going demeanor. He was happy to get home, I’m sure.

The next morning, I was hurting so bad from the fall that I was walking with 2 canes and even slower than normal. The “massive” bruise I had on my left hip was ridiculous! It was literally the size of a nickel. WTF? After such a hard landing and all the pain I was experiencing (not to mention the pain all night long) I expected a much larger bruise! I mean seriously. That’s all I get? A tiny bruise?

Anyway, I knew I still had a ham dinner to cook so I asked my son if he could come help. He had planned on coming by anyway, but he came by a bit earlier to help. We had (store-bought) cinnamon rolls and then we started thinking about what time to start the ham. Unfortunately, he had to leave before he could even help me get that started, so I had to rely on Dad to help me if I needed it. (I don’t like to rely on him too much because he’s nearly 82 now and sometimes a bit unsteady on his feet himself.) I managed to get the ham done BUT I forgot to add the glaze at the last 30 minutes of cooking. Oh well. It was still good.

Here it is Friday, the last Friday of 2018, and I’m still using 2 canes off and on. I’m still feeling the “after-shock” of that stupid fall. I guess the pain will subside eventually, but for a few days longer I’ll take it easy.

I hope your holiday was a fantastic one, with no injuries, fights, falls, or any other mishaps to put a damper on things. Here’s to a wonderful 2019 to us all!

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Goodbyes

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I had my last appointment with my therapist last week. She gave me the head’s up a couple of months prior. She had been offered a wonderful opportunity and was working out the details with the powers that be. I was (and still am) thrilled for her because this seemed like exactly what she needed. I was also pretty bummed that after 6 years I would be alone in dealing with “the shit” life has thrown my way. Saying goodbye was not something I was looking forward to. I despise goodbyes! But I started thinking about how this is a goodbye to the psychologist but not to my friend. Dr. M has been more than just a psychologist. She has been my friend. 

Dr. M has helped me to recover the tools I need to deal with the shit that has been thrown at me and any future shit coming my way. I had the tools all along but I forgot how to use them. She has helped me to realize that any guilt or shame that I carried (from certain events) were not mine to carry. She helped me to identify the toxic relationships in my life and gave me the courage to set boundaries and let go of those who weren’t respectful of those boundaries. I’ve learned many things from Dr. M and I am so grateful to have had her guidance for 6 years. It was awesome to share a few laughs along the way, too.

Someone asked me recently, “Are you ok? Do you feel abandoned?” The answer is, “Yes, I’m ok,” and an absolute “No, I don’t feel abandoned at all.” Dr. M will give me a referral if I need one. I know I’ll still be in touch with her because she’s my friend. I have her cell phone number and her email. I know I am stronger now and I have the tools to deal with the shit that flies in my direction. I’m not worried about my mental health anymore. I’m going to be just fine. 

Before leaving my last appointment, (which began with so much laughter that my Dad heard us from the waiting area) Dr. M and I talked about having lunch sometime since we are no longer therapist/client. The appointment ended with a hug…and more laughter! It’s been great but now it’s on to bigger and better things for her… and I’m making some plans of my own. 

10 Things I Have Learned With My Therapist’s Help

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I’ve been seeing a therapist for the last 6 years. I never thought I would do this, not in a million years but I was tied up in knots, grief, sadness, depression, anger, and a whole lot of other detrimental emotions. I had to do something because I was sinking deeper and deeper.

I always thought, “Why do I need a therapist when I have friends and family to talk to about my problems?” The problem was that my friends and family were too close to the situation. I needed someone who was unbiased and professional. I needed guidance and I needed perspective from an outsider. I needed someone who would be honest with me but wouldn’t judge me, no matter what I told her.

That’s exactly what I got. The first therapist I saw is the same therapist I am seeing now. She has helped me more than I can even express in words. After just 1 year I was in a much better place emotionally and mentally. With each passing year, I have become much stronger and able to cope with the emotions I must deal with on a day to day basis. The issues now are of my pain and mobility, which are just as detrimental as the issues of 6 years ago but I’m strong enough now to handle it. Thanks to my therapist, I have learned a lot of things to help me on my journey and I think I will always hear her voice in the back of my mind guiding me and challenging me. I’d like to share with you those things in hopes of encouraging others to seek therapy if needed because it certainly does help!

  1. I am able to identify and handle my triggers, those things that cause me anxiety or sadness. I now know how to refocus my attention on other things or prepare myself emotionally beforehand.
  2. I have learned several different methods of breathing to help me to relax or calm down when I become anxious or even when I need to fall asleep.
  3. I learned that I do not have to engage with people who are being belligerent or unpleasant in some way. I do not have to participate in confrontational conversations, nor do I have to take someone else’s abuse or accusations.  I hold the power to walk away or not respond. I end conversations that are rude and condescending. Why perpetuate the problem?
  4. I have learned that I am my own worst enemy! I am always second-guessing myself, making unrealistic demands of myself, comparing myself to others, over-thinking, and I’m very critical of everything I do. I have learned to curtail the urge to do these things! It’s hard sometimes, but I realize that I don’t have to be perfect.
  5. I have always known that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. But what I didn’t realize was that it was ok to NOT be someone’s go-to person for help and advice. I learned that those people sucked the energy right out of me and that I had the right to take care of me and say, “NO.” I let go of toxic people and made my life easier.
  6. I learned that my grief and sadness were valid. I had been through the wringer, as they say, and I had been carrying so much guilt and shame for things that #1) I didn’t do and #2) that were beyond my control. My therapist validated my feelings and helped me to realize that I could let go of those emotions because the guilt and shame were not mine to bear. Validation and a new perspective on things really do help!
  7. I have always been a people-pleaser. I’ve neglected myself for so many years in the past because I felt that others’ needs were more important. I always considered my children’s needs to be of more importance than my own needs when they were growing up, but there were still times I could have put my needs higher on the list. I have since stopped making everyone else a priority and am focusing on taking care of me! I am not responsible for anyone other than myself. My kids are grown and can take care of themselves. It’s time for me to take care of me. Of course, I still look out for my Dad. He’s almost 82 years old and needs a watchful eye at times, but for the most part, he takes care of himself.
  8. I’m an analytical thinker. I use information and evidence, as well as my own personal experiences to solve problems and form my own opinions. I am a logical thinker, so when people do stupid things it blows my freakin’ mind! I try to see both sides of an issue, which most people refuse to do – they believe what they believe and there is no room in their minds for any other position or way of thinking. I learned with the help of my therapist, that having an analytical mind creates conflict in that I can’t bond with others who don’t think as I do. Does that make sense? It’s very difficult for me to create friendships with people who don’t see things the same way I do. And that’s OK. I don’t dislike those people, I just can’t bond with them in the way that I would with someone of like-minded thinking.
  9. I have learned that it’s ok to cry. I grew up being ridiculed for being sensitive and for crying. Thanks, Mom. To this day, I avoid movies, songs, situations (like funerals, even weddings) because I feel ashamed to cry, especially in front of others. My feelings are just as important as anyone else’s and if I feel like crying then so be it. At least I can show sympathy and empathy for others, which is more than I can say for some people.
  10. Throw away the “should have, would have, could have” mentality. I’ve had this thought many times when I was dealing with past issues. It does nothing but waste time. This is a negative, unproductive way of thinking. The past is the past. It’s best to look forward and focus on the here and now. Otherwise, you’ll be stuck in a place you don’t want to be. My therapist is a wise woman. She brought me out of that place and I’m not going back. EVER.

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So, these are just some of the things I’ve learned seeing my therapist. Of course, most of them I already knew (and I don’t know if this will make sense to you) but I was unaware. I was unaware of what I was doing and not doing in regards to my own mental health. Now I am more mindful of what I’m doing and thinking, and I am committed to myself.

Because I’m worth it. And so are you. If you are struggling, please don’t be ashamed or embarrassed to seek out help. You are worth it!