Hope, In Times of Darkness

Some time ago, I had gone through something that nearly pushed me over the edge. It was something that I never expected, nor had any idea how to deal with. Someone very close to my heart made some bad decisions and threw her own life into a chaotic whirlpool, at the same time turning my life upside down. This post is not about that person or the events that took place but rather the effect it had on me and my own life.

I had never in my life been so depressed. Not many people knew, just family and very close friends. I couldn’t talk about it without crying. I couldn’t go anywhere without crying. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t focus. I wasn’t able to sleep. I couldn’t eat. I was up at 5am every morning and didn’t go to bed until 1am. I was in a daze. I was barely living, just going through the motions. I felt dead inside. I felt lost. I felt shame and guilt, and I couldn’t pull myself out of this deep abyss I had been thrown into. I wasn’t suicidal, but I remember thinking it wouldn’t be a bad thing if I just fell over dead.

Now, don’t get me wrong. The events that took place had absolutely nothing to do with me, but when bad things happen to someone you love dearly, it will do things to you that you never thought possible. It didn’t help that “certain people” insinuated that I did something wrong. I was treated as if I did do something wrong. It wasn’t my fault. I didn’t do anything wrong. It was not my actions that caused the events.

I carried guilt and shame for a few years. I was depressed and saw no end in sight. I had never even considered seeing a therapist. I mean, that’s what family and friends are for right? You have a problem, you talk it out with someone you know and trust. Right? Well, when I was referred to a specific therapist, I thought, “How am I suppose to talk to someone I don’t even know, about these things?” Also, “How can I trust a total stranger with my innermost, deepest feelings?” I knew I had to do something so I made the appointment.

Never in a million years did I think I would be seeing a therapist! I cannot tell you how much it helped me to talk to someone unbiased, someone who was not there to judge or tell me how to feel. It was a slow process. It took an entire year to get in a better place. I saw light, after a long time of being in such a dark place!

My therapist helped me realize that the events that took place were not my fault. My head knew this, but my heart didn’t. She helped me to understand that the shame I carried was not mine to carry. I didn’t do anything wrong and now I could stand tall in my words with “certain people” who insinuated otherwise. My therapist gave me the tools I needed to set boundaries, and walk my own truth. She pretty much gave me the strength to go public with my blog not too long ago. I still see my therapist at least once a month. I used to see her weekly, but she still helps me and I don’t see an end to my visits with her anytime soon.

I guess my point in writing this is just to let others know that there IS light at the end of the tunnel. If you’re depressed, please reach out for help. I know that’s hard as hell, but others may not reach out to you. They may want to help but may not know how or even what to say. They may keep their distance because it’s uncomfortable for them. People just don’t know what to do to help. If you have the opportunity, see a therapist. If you don’t feel comfortable with one then find another. If you can’t do that, then find someone who will listen, not judge, and try to help you find a solution. Please, please, please do whatever you can to help yourself. YOU are important!

There’s hope in times of darkness. You just may have to look a little harder to find it. Just please look and keep looking until you find it.

 

Tick Tock, Tick Tock

It has been a great number of years since I attempted to write a poem but I was inspired by the events of last night as I was trying to go to sleep. I’ve had insomnia for weeks. I don’t know why. I’m not particularly stressed. I wait until I am good and tired, normally around 1am, before I go to bed. I have tried 2 different herbal tea blends specifically for sleeping and over the counter sleep aids as well. When I have nights like this, every noise I hear seems to be amplified and it drives me insane!

Anyway, don’t be too critical of my ‘poem’ because I am definitely not a poet!! Thanks for reading, my friends!

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Tick Tock, Tick Tock

Tick tock, tick tock goes that blasted kitchen clock.

It ticks so loud, while I try to sleep

I can’t even hear myself counting sheep.

The windchimes chime outside my window

as I nudge snoring kitty with my elbow.

I hear the sound of digging and scratching,

the possums under the house, attacking.

There’s a hoot owl hooting just outside,

and I wish he’d just commit suicide.

I hear the sound of jingle bells,

cat toys tossed all over hell.

The refrigerator hums its obnoxious hum

and I wish I would pass out from the rum.

Seems there’s no sleep for me until after 4

then I will sleep ’til 7, and no more….

Then when I wake, what do I hear?

A stupid woodpecker, the first of the year!

He’s pecking and pecking

and my jaws are clenching.

I want to break his scrawny neck

but then I think, “ah what the heck.”

I may as well get out of bed and plan for the day.

Have some coffee and think, enjoy the sun’s rays.

I gather laundry to wash, dishes to clean,

brush my teeth, and put on my jeans.

Today’s a new day,

filled with love and laughter.

I will live for today, forever and after….

* Copyright 2018 Being Aunt Debbie * All rights reserved * Not to be copied or shared without prior written permission* 

 

Friday’s Funnies – My Faves This Week

Time for Friday Funnies! I get the biggest kick out of some of the things people video or make memes of! (Sometimes, I think, “Someone has too much time on their hands!”) The things that make me laugh the most are animals and kids. What things do you find funniest? If you have something funny you’d like to share please send them my way using the contact link at the upper right of the page. I will post them on Fridays!

 

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I hope you got a chuckle from some of these! I sure did. Have a great weekend, my blog friends!! Peace & love to you all.

Throwback Thursday

Old post revisited; this was almost 10 years ago. Where does the time go? I felt old when I wrote this and being nearly 10 years older I feel ancient! Holy cow.

Click the link below and be sure to leave your comments. I’d love to hear what you think! Enjoy and thank you for reading my blog!

Memories & Getting Old

Bad, Bad Leroy Brown

My grandfather’s sister was married to a man named Leroy Brown. He was a firefighter in his day; a true hero. I’m not sure what the truth is but we were told that due to the excessive smoke inhalation of being a firefighter, he had severe damage to his throat and had a tracheostomy as a result. I’m sure the equipment firefighters used back then were next to useless by today’s standards. This must have been in the 70’s because I was around 10 or 11 years old. I recall a very disturbing view of Leroy Brown smoking a cigarette once through the opening in his throat. *Shivers* I’m pretty sure smoking had something to do with his medical need for the trach in the first place! He probably had throat cancer, but my sisters and I were sheltered from that type of information.

Leroy Brown was a formidable man of large stature. He was in his 60’s at that time, and he carried himself with confidence and arrogance. Due to the trach, his voice was rough and scratchy. He was a direct and to the point type of man. No one messed with Leroy Brown! One time, back when my Grandfather owned a bar, my Grandfather got into an altercation with some drunken idiot over a woman. Well, Leroy Brown, who was the official “unofficial bouncer” pulled a gun on him. That guy ran out of there and never came back. The woman involved, got in Leroy Brown’s face and what do you think he did? He punched her right in the face. Done. No one messed with Leroy Brown or they suffered the consequences. No doubt about that!

Well, my sisters were scared of Leroy Brown. They were about the ages of 5 and 3 at the time. They were just little kids and the sound of Leroy’s voice through that gaping hole in his throat was scary as hell to them! Not to mention, they thought he was THE Leroy Brown from the song by Jim Croce! The song tells what seems to be a good description of our Leroy Brown except I don’t recall that he ever got his ass whooped like in the song.

I heard that song the other day on the radio and it reminded me of our Leroy Brown. I’m not sure when he died, but I hope he had a good life. I would like to have known him as an adult. I think he would have been a very interesting man with some great stories to tell!

Here’s a video of the song and the lyrics are below the video. Enjoy!

Bad Bad Leroy Brown by Jim Croce

Well the South side of Chicago
Is the baddest part of town
And if you go down there
You better just beware
Of a man named Leroy Brown
Now Leroy more than trouble
You see he stand ’bout six foot four
All the downtown ladies call him “Treetop Lover”
All the men just call him “Sir”
And it’s bad, bad Leroy Brown
The baddest man in the whole damned town
Badder than old King Kong
And meaner than a junkyard dog
Now Leroy he a gambler
And he like his fancy clothes
And he like to wave his diamond rings
In front of everybody’s nose
He got a custom Continental
He got an Eldorado too
He got a thirty two gun in his pocket for fun
He got a razor in his shoe
And it’s bad, bad Leroy Brown
The baddest man in the whole damned town
Badder than old King Kong
And meaner than a junkyard dog
Now Friday ’bout a week ago
Leroy shootin’ dice
And at the edge of the bar
Sat a girl named Doris
And oo that girl looked nice
Well he cast his eyes upon her
And the trouble soon began
And Leroy Brown learned a lesson
‘Bout messin’ with the wife of a jealous man
And it’s bad, bad Leroy Brown
The baddest man in the whole damned town
Badder than old King Kong
And meaner than a junkyard dog
Well the two men took to fighting
And when they pulled them off the floor
Leroy looked like a jigsaw puzzle
With a couple of pieces gone
And it’s bad, bad Leroy Brown
The baddest man in the whole damned town
Badder than old King Kong
And meaner than a junkyard dog
And it’s bad, bad Leroy Brown
The baddest man in the whole damned town
Badder than old King Kong
And meaner than a junkyard dog
Badder than old King Kong
And meaner than a junkyard dog

Songwriter: James Croce
Bad Bad Leroy Brown lyrics © BMG Rights Management US, LLC