Category Archives: Ramblings

Saying No To Holidays

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Someone asked me yesterday how Dad and I would spend the holidays. I said, “I don’t know,” but the truth is, I don’t care to celebrate at all. Screw the holidays. There’s no one to celebrate with. I refuse to celebrate with people who belittle me, judge me, think the worst of me, or steal my energy. It’s just Dad and me against the world, as always.

I thought things would be different this year. I thought we would be in the new house by now (it now looks like January or February) and that my sister would be here to help us. My sister is not coming back. My son is 15 miles away, but apparently, he doesn’t think enough of us to even check on us, by text, DM, or otherwise. My best friend is no longer my best friend, so we won’t even be having the “friendsgiving” we had talked about having every year.

I loved the holidays when my kids were little. The little things, like gifts they made in school, or watching the excitement on their faces as they opened their own gifts, were among the best things about the holidays. It was fun! One year, I even wrapped every single framed photo in the living room with colorful wrapping paper and bows to decorate the house! Imagine the kids’ surprise when they came home from school to see this! As they got older, the fun was gone.

These days, I despise the holidays. All of them. Every holiday brings back memories and brings on waves of grief and loss. This year for Christmas, the grandkids will get a little something from Dad and me. That is IF we have the money to do even that. Every penny seems to be going toward the new house, and that’s great IF we won’t have to spend another winter in this dilapidated dump we call home.

Monday Thoughts

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Children don’t see color. When my daughter was in the 1st grade, she would come home from school, always excited about her new friend. It wasn’t until a school event that I learned her new best friend was of color. It didn’t matter, of course. Not to my girl and not to me. It wasn’t too long before the little girl and her family moved away. After hearing some awful stories about people being chased out of the area, I don’t blame them for leaving at all. People are so cruel sometimes. Color doesn’t matter. We are all the same inside.

Well, I had a really cute short video clip from Facebook, but WP or Facebook won’t let me share it here. Either that, or I’m not smart enough to figure out how to do it. Hahaha.

Have a great day, friends!

Shut In and Shut Out

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When my sister leaves, I’m on my own. That’s not a bad thing necessarily because I’ve always been on my own. I’ve always had to do things on my own. The problem is that I can’t expect Dad to go with me every time I need to go somewhere, and I don’t feel good about leaving him at home, alone.

Now that Walmart is offering “home delivery” in my area (out in the middle of nowhere), I don’t even have to do “curbside” orders anymore. That really helps because it will save money on gas, wear and tear on the car will be minimal, and we don’t have to leave the house.

There are other places I will need to go, such as the Dollar Tree, the local grocery store, clinic for appointments, vet’s office, and perhaps to the hairdresser’s for a much-needed haircut. I have no desire to go anywhere to socialize, so I guess I’m good.

I think we are basically what they refer to as shut-ins. I’m disabled, Dad is elderly, and we rarely leave the house. It’s depressing. I try not to fixate on the issue because it just makes things worse. When we do go out, we’ll have to do one thing at a time. No more doing all errands in one trip to save gas. It’s too much for Dad. On Wednesday, we went out, and it really sucked the life out of him. We went to the Dollar Tree where he insisted he’d walk, then the grocery store for just a handful of items. Again, he insisted he would walk. We then stopped at the pharmacy and the liquor store, both of which had drive-thrus. On to have lunch at one of our favorite places, Vaccaro’s Pizza and Pasta. The next day, Dad was still exhausted. It wasn’t until yesterday that he felt more himself.

So, shut-ins we are. I got to thinking about it, and we are basically shut out, as well. We don’t see relatives who are close enough to visit. We aren’t invited to birthday parties, even though we probably wouldn’t go. An invite would be nice, nonetheless. It would show that they are at least thinking of us. We have both lost touch with friends. Friends who have jobs or take care of their grandkids. Friends who have lives, unlike ours. Ever since I became disabled and Dad became elderly…I don’t even know when that happened…we have drifted away. Anyway, we are shut out of many things.

Things are going to change for us soon. I mean, we may still be shut in and shut out, but we will be moving to the new house. Move-in day is still up in the air, but I can see the end of the tunnel now. My sister will come back to stay, unless she changes her mind. I think I’ve driven her a bit crazy with my bitchiness, but that’s another post.

Until next time,

17 Years Ago Today!

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It’s been 17 years since I began my blogging journey. I started blogging because I needed an outlet. I was stressed. I needed to release it. I still blog for that reason, but I’ve made friends here at WordPress who are interested in updates with me and Dad. I also like to write. I don’t claim to be a great writer, but I do enjoy it.

The problem these days is that I cannot concentrate. There’s too much noise, mostly internal. When we finally move to the new house, I’ll have my own quiet space where I can write uninterrupted. I’m hoping the internal noise will die down.

For now, I write when I can. I want to do an overhaul of this blog eventually. It needs a new look. Any ideas? I’d love to hear your suggestions.

Until next time,