Category Archives: Humor

“Come On, Susan Lucci!”

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Ok, so maybe you have no clue what the title of this piece even means. Maybe I watch way too much tv. Here’s the commercial clip so you can get a clear picture:

 

In case you aren’t a daytime soap fan, Susan Lucci (the actress in the red gown) was on the soap All My Children for many, many years. Now, this commercial isn’t particularly funny….but I have an odd sense of humor. It’s just so overly dramatic that it makes me chuckle every time I see it. (There are 2 other versions, too!)

Now, bear with me…..

Today, in the Walmart parking lot, I was trying to park the little battery operated scooter when I was finished with it and the dang thing kept stopping. The battery was fine. If you’ve ever used one, you may have come across one that doesn’t always like the way you’re sitting on it. It will stop if your weight isn’t just perfectly on the seat. It’s maddening. It really is. Especially when someone is right behind you and you’re trying to go, go, go….but the scooter just wants to stop, stop, stop!

Anyway, there I was, trying to park the scooter where it wouldn’t be run over by a car. It stopped. I got it to go again. Then it stopped again…. I yelled, “Come on!” and I started laughing my dang fool head off because I nearly finished that with “Susan Lucci!” Imagine the looks…even more than the looks I got because I was laughing my head off.

So, there ya go! There’s never a dull moment!

Confusion

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Last night I went to bed barely able to walk. I was in severe pain from the cleaning I did that day. I just bite off more than I can chew, every stinkin’ time. Anyway, I went to bed and fell asleep quickly.

This morning, Dad poked his head into my room and says “Hey it’s after 9:00.”

I rolled my head towards the door. I said, ” Oh shit,” and rubbed my eyes a little and asked him, “What time is my appointment?”

“It’s Saturday,” he responded after a brief pause. I’m pretty sure he was trying to decide if I was serious or just screwing with him.

“SHIT! I’m so confused!” I said, clearing my throat. This type of confusion usually only happens when I take a nap and have slept pretty hard. This is the first time it’s happened from a good night’s sleep – and I must have slept really hard!

Dad chuckled and went on to clatter the dishes in the kitchen as if to make sure I didn’t fall back asleep. It took me awhile to get my brain and my body acclimated. I wish I didn’t hurt so damn bad in the mornings! I was up and ready for our weekly outing to have lunch. Today, we were planning to have Italian food.

Later, I recalled another odd time that I had been severely confused but it was back in my 20’s. It was the middle of the night; 2:00 am actually. I was sound asleep, my now-ex next to me snoring his damn fool head off. The phone rang. It was on my side of the bed, so I answered it.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Debbie! How are you? Are you ready for this weekend?”

“Uhm. Yeah? Who is this?”

“Oh Debbie, wake up! It’s me, Phyllis.”

At this point, I was seriously trying to ‘wake up’ because I couldn’t remember who Phyllis was! I asked the caller, “Phyllis who?”

“Phyllis. Your hairdresser! Wake up, Debbie!!”

By now, I thought I had a prank caller on the line. I said in my snarkiest voice, “I think you have the wrong number, Phyllis, the hairdresser.” 

She replied back with my phone number and my full name…. I confirmed that WAS my number….AND my name…..

“I think you must have the wrong Debbie [last name] because I don’t know anyone named Phyllis and I don’t have a hairdresser! I cut my own hair!”

She was perturbed with me; I could hear the aggravation in her voice as she said, “Well, I’ll call you back tomorrow, Debbie….. after you’ve had a chance to wake up.”

I managed a quiet, “Whatever,” before hanging up and I rolled over and went back to sleep.

It was quite puzzling until the next day at work. I was congratulated several times by coworkers on my ‘pending nuptials’ which left me scratching my head. I just thanked them and went on with my day each time.

When I returned home, I grabbed the day’s newspaper and confirmed that I was to be married to a man named Dennis, whom I had never met. There were no photos, so that explained why everyone thought it was me. But Phyllis…..she must have opened the phone book and just assumed I was the one. She probably realized she had the wrong Debbie soon enough because she never called me back!

 

Not My Turn….

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It never fails.

Last night, I brought dad a Boost nutritional shake to go with his pizza bites. I swear, it’s like he’s a little kid. He doesn’t want vegetables. “I get tired of vegetables all the time,” he says. How can he get sick of veggies if he never eats them? He will rarely eat a salad. He eats garbage. And wonders why he has digestive issues.

Anyway, I shook his shake and loosened the lid, as I always do. He has trouble getting them open sometimes. I always tell him that I opened it for him already. Last night, he forgot. He shook the shit out of it and chocolate shake went all over his lap, and on the carpet. He got up and I couldn’t help but laugh! It was all over him. Good grief.

Today, I reheated the stew from the other night. He said he was fine with that for lunch. I actually got him to eat a small salad, too!! Since I’m still trying to lose weight, I decided to have a salad with my Nutrisystem White Cheddar Mac n Cheese for lunch. I gathered up spoons, forks, napkins, and our food and wheeled it into the living room on my handy lunch trolley. I thought Dad might want seconds, so I put the lid on to keep the stew hot.

After we finished lunch, Dad starts to wheel the dishes back to the kitchen on the trolley. He asked me, “Are you cooking something?” I said, “No,” and before I could say anything else he says, “Did you know you left the burner on the stew?” OMG. What an idiot I am. I got up to see what the damage was. Holy Bon Jovi. I burnt the royal shit out of that stew!!! The veggies and meat were all stuck on the blackened pan bottom…..and absolutely no broth left! How can I be so stupid? Good grief.

I told Dad later, “It’s your turn.” “What?” he asked. I reminded him of his Boost bath last night, and mentioned me burning the stew today. I said, “It’s your turn to screw something up now.” He said with a chuckle, “Yeah, I guess it is my turn!”

It just never fails around here. I think I need to keep notes because every time I turn around one of us has screwed something up. Good grief.

Shit My Dad Says

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I had been struggling to find something to blog about and then it hit me! Dad is a pretty funny guy, always has been. For the last couple of years, I have been posting his funnies on Facebook with the hashtag #ShitMyDadSays. He wasn’t too happy when I told him tonight about those posts. Uh oh. Well, he’s 80. He will forget by tomorrow. He forgets a lot these days.

While this post may not be suitable for all audiences, it’s still pretty funny. If you have a stick up your butt or you just don’t have a sense of humor, then just don’t read past this paragraph. You were warned.

*”I use to be a rebel-rouser, until I got shot.”

*When he and my son were up on the roof doing some repair work, Dad was attacked and stung by a wasp. This happened to him 2 weeks prior, so when it happened this time he came in and said, “I just got attacked by that same wasp!” “The same one?” I asked. He said in all seriousness, “Looked like the same one to me!” Half of his face was swollen and the next day he looked like Droopy, the old cartoon dog.

*Myrbetriq commercial comes on. The animated woman’s bladder is PINK so Dad informs me that men have a BLUE bladder! Lmao! Always the funny guy!

*Dad just asked me, “Do you know why I can never find anything?” I said, “Why?” He said, “Because I don’t know where anything is.” Lol.

*Goodness…. Watching Y&R with Dad. (Yeah, Dad watches the soaps!) A couple is wanting to adopt a child and are told of a teen mother in her 3rd trimester. Dad says, “That’s just asking for trouble. Why don’t they adopt a baby?” (In my head: wtf did he just say?) I said, “Dad, they are. They’re going to adopt the teen’s baby!” “Oh,” he said. He actually thought they were going to adopt the teenager?! Lol.

*Omg. Lol. Convo between me and Dad:
Me: Did we know that Sean Austin was Patty Duke’s son?
Dad: I think we knew that.
Me: Who is Sean’s dad?
Dad: Marmaduke?
Can’t ever be serious around here!

*To my daughter, I asked, “Do you remember that time your Grampa was talking about his handle bars when he actually meant love handles???” He still calls them handle bars! Lol!

*Watching the news and trying to stay cool. Dad takes a drink of his water and says, “This water is wet.” I said, “That’s odd. Mine’s not.” He says, “You must have Canadian Dry Water.” Lol.

*Hahaha! Dad was just talking about a restaurant he went to in TX with my Aunt Bobbie a long time ago where the waitress sat down in the booth and started chatting like she knew them. What’s funny is that Dad said the name of the restaurant was the “Outhouse!” Lmao! I said, you mean “Outback” don’t you? He said, “Yes!”

*Had to go to town for groceries today. It’s so hot and humid. It was nice and cool in the car. Looked in the mirror before I stepped out of the car, and said “My hair is flat already. I guess I can’t be beautiful every day.” Dad and I both chuckled a little and then he says, “Only one day a year to find a man.” WHAT????? I just walked into the store scratching my head.

*Definitely feeling old. I read this (below) to Dad and he said, “I don’t remember any of that.” Lol.

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*Dad’s watching DNC and out of the blue he says, “Eat shit and bark at the moon! That’s what I always say!” My crazy world. Lol.

*Yesterday I don’t think it hit 30 degrees all day. Today it hit 40. I feel colder today than I did yesterday. Dad agreed…..and then added, “Maybe we have reverse osmosis.” Never a dull moment, I swear. Lol.

*Me complaining this morning: “I don’t know what’s worse; hot flashes or the freakin’ stray hairs growing out of my face!” Dad’s response: “You could always join the circus.” Thanks, Dad. Lol.

*That moment when your father says, “I know one thing….I’m not getting one of those transvaginal implants no matter how much money they’re paying.” (He’s referring to the law suit commercials and of course just being silly.)

*Checking out in Walmart today, the checker accidentally knocked a large box of canned cat food onto the floor, landing on Dad’s foot. She was so worried and felt so horrible, saying “Are you ok? Are you ok?” Dad says, “I’m ok. It landed on my big toe that’s not there!” Lmao! Checker says, “Are you serious?” Dad says, “Yes. It landed where my toe would have been, had it been there.” We all got a good chuckle out of it. (For those who don’t know, Dad has 2 missing toes on one foot….shot gun accident years ago.)

*TWD & popcorn night. Trying to explain to Dad that even though the bowl is bigger, it’s the same amount of popcorn I make him every Sunday. “But it’s a bigger bowl,” he keeps saying. Silly man.

*Dad says, “I’m going to be a cat when I grow up.” Lol.

*Coming up a hill on the way home today, had to hit the brakes for 3 people crossing the road on horseback. After they crossed I waved and continued on my way. Dad, in all his silliness says, “I didn’t know they still made horses.” Lol. He’s always throwing stuff like that at me and it cracks me up every. time. 

*After slowly getting up out of my chair, I told Dad I was tired of trying to get around like a normal human being. Dad said, “Maybe we should just cut off your legs.” I said, “I would probably get around better.” Dad said, “You’d be a bit shorter but…..” Lmao! Leave it to Dad.

*After a few groans, Dad says, “I thought you were suppose to be dead before rigor mortis sets in.” Good grief. The things that come out of his mouth. Lol

*So, Dad and I are watching AGT and talking about how Simon Cowell is better than Pierce Morgan and Howard Stern. Dad said with more than a little disgust, “Oh yeah. That Stern guy has been a dick all his life and all of mine too.” Lmao! 

 

So, that just about sums up my life with Dad. He keeps me on my toes. Sometimes, when we go to Walmart, any Walmart, he will ask me, “Have I been here before?” I keep telling him, “One of these days you’re going to be serious and I won’t know the difference.” He’s so funny and my best friend. I don’t know what I would do without him.

Thanks for reading. I hope you got a good chuckle!

Funny story…..

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I went to Walmart today after my appointment and pulled into a parking spot next to another car on my left. I had this song playing, and if you know me then you know I had the volume up pretty loud. My window was down about 4 inches or so. I sat there for a minute, checking my phone and responding to a message. I rolled up the window, turned off the car and got out. That’s when I noticed this kid in the car next to me, plugged into an ipod. He looked like he was around 15 years old. He pulled the earphone out of his ear and asked, “What are you listening to?” I told him, “Swedish Death Metal. What are you listening to?” He says, “Nothin’.” I had to laugh because I imagined he was listening to something sappy like Justin Beiber or some other nit-witted pop idol. I also imagine he has never seen an old lady like me listening to Swedish Death Metal…or any metal at all. LMAO!

It made my day!