Category Archives: Family/Friends

A Fond Christmas Memory

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For some odd reason, I don’t remember a lot about our Christmases growing up. Oh, there are a few things I can recall like the little Life Savers ‘books’ Santa would bring us, the Christmas coloring books and brand spankin’ new crayons, the candy canes, and the gift my sisters and I got to open on Christmas Eve. It was always new pajamas, or a new outfit to wear on Christmas Day. I don’t think we appreciated it then as much as we do now. I don’t remember too much about any gifts I (we) got, or if we were disappointed because we didn’t get what we wanted. Those things just aren’t important enough to remember.

The fondest Christmas memory I have is the time we couldn’t afford a tree or maybe we just waited too long to get one. I really don’t remember that part. My mom, being the creative and crafty person she was, noticed the GIANT pine tree on the side of our neighbor’s yard which had a broken branch. It was HUGE! I don’t know if Mom asked the neighbor or not but she went outside and snatched up that humongous branch and brought it in the house! She trimmed the branch so it would fit in the corner of the living room. She propped it up, and if I recall correctly, she had to secure it to the wall to keep it from falling! We decorated it with our usual holiday ornaments, tinsel and star on top and that’s the ONLY Christmas tree I remember as a kid! It was an awesome Christmas tree! It’s great how Mom made sure we had a tree that year. I’ll never forget it.

Tea, Rest, & Rock Music!

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Here I sit tonight, nursing a sore throat with a cup of tea with lemon and raw honey. I’m hoping it won’t last and I’ll feel better come Christmas. Shopping is done, thank goodness! We don’t have any major plans this year; just Dad and I, my son and his girlfriend, Lindsey. My daughter and her boyfriend, Zack won’t be able to make it down since they have to work Christmas Eve. But all’s well; they came last week and we spent a good day together. We’ll have a simple ham dinner and open a few gifts. We’ll spend the day watching funny Christmas movies, like “Trapped In Paradise” or “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.” Oh, I can’t forget Dad’s favorite, “Bad Santa.” It’s raunchy, but hilarious.

Right now, I’m resting. I’m snuggled in a nice, warm throw with my cup of tea. I’m listening to music that always makes me feel better, no matter the circumstances. On my playlist tonight:

Blind Melon’s “No Rain”
Incubus’ “Drive”
Bon Jovi’s “Bed of Roses”
All-American Rejects’ “The Wind Blows”
Apocalyptica’s “Nothing Else Matters” (a cover of Metallica’s hit)
Creed’s “Higher”
Collective Soul’s “The River Flows”

And the entire new album by Avenged Sevenfold. I was never a big fan of theirs. Just couldn’t get past the singer’s voice (too gravely for my taste), or the drums, which were always more annoying than anything else. The lyrics have always been good and the guitars are awesome. I tried for years to like them….knowing they were talented musicians and all, but I just couldn’t do it. This time they nailed it. From the theme of the entire album (end of the world) to even the drums. It’s sad they lost their drummer to prescription drugs a few years ago but this new drummer is easier for me to listen to. There’s a beat now instead of that continuous rat-ta-tat-tat that annoys me to no end. The singer seems to have smoothed his voice some…for lack of a better description. The guitars solos are awesome, as always but it’s more than that. There seems to be even more guitar. Anyway, they nailed it this time. I’m lovin’ it. It’s Rock Music, what can I say? I’m a sucker for power ballads and guitars.

So, tomorrow is Monday…. I hope the relaxation (and tea) help me kick this sore throat because I can’t even sing along to my favorite songs!!

Friendship Lost

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Wow, it’s been over a year since I last posted in this blog!

Well, the good news is that I am back and after a long year of therapy, I am in a better place. Anyone who knows me, knows I have been through the wringer the last couple of years. Therapy has helped me separate myself from the actions of others and to not carry blame or guilt that is not mine to carry. I have learned to distance myself from things and people who expect more from me than I have to give. I have learned that I don’t have to help everyone. It’s not my job! I can’t help someone who won’t help themselves…which brings me to the subject of this post.

I had been trying for a very long time to get a friend of mine to get some help for her depression, whether it be a medical doctor or a therapist. She always responded with, “You’re the only therapist I need,” and other such statements. I’m not a therapist. I can’t help her with her depression. I was going through my own bouts of depression. I could listen, sure. But after every conversation, I would be exhausted, totally wiped out. I often wondered if this was normal in a friendship. Deep down I knew it wasn’t, but she was my friend. What was I suppose to do? I fought with myself daily! I tried to tell her that I was going through some things that I couldn’t talk about. I told her many times that I was having a hard time myself and that I couldn’t handle her problems AND my own. It didn’t seem to sink in. It didn’t seem to matter. She would dump everything on me and it would suck every ounce of my energy! Don’t get me wrong, I KNOW she has every reason to be depressed. She’s been through some horrible events over the past few years. I feel for her. But I want her to get some help.

Therapy helped me to realize that it’s not my job to take care of her (or anyone else) and that if she’s not willing to help herself then what else can I do? I had to tell her. I tried my best to explain. I told her I couldn’t help her and she had to help herself. I told her I had to distance myself from her until she got help for her depression. That went over like a fart in Church.

Immediately, she went on the defensive. I expected that. I also understood. She was hurt. I knew that it would hurt her but I was taking care of ME, something that I had not done in many years. I always put myself on the back burner. Not anymore. I was done.

What I didn’t expect, was that she would take this to the extreme. She blocked me on Facebook and THEN called me a hypocrite for talking about her behind her back. (Who blocked whom and then started talking trash about the other? Not me.) She made up lies and told half-truths about me and my family. She showed her true colors. She doesn’t know that I know what she said, but since I DO know, we will never be friends again. How can she be trusted?

She said I was throwing away our friendship because she has a disease called depression. It’s not the depression itself; it’s her inability or unwillingness to get help. I didn’t throw away the friendship. I put it on the back burner, instead of my own needs…. for once. She threw away our friendship when she gave me a bashing on Facebook.

This friendship has weighed so heavily on me for years because I couldn’t help her. If I didn’t care so much, then none of this would have been an issue. I did what I had to do to protect myself and it was my last-ditch effort to get her to do something. I hoped that it would jolt her into realizing she needs to take care of herself. I guess it was wishful thinking…but it’s her issue, not mine.

Lost In Sadness

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I’ve got a lot to say but these days, but it’s difficult to put it in writing. My mind is in overdrive and I can’t seem to concentrate.

My relationship with my daughter is strained, and I’m feeling….lost. How do you resolve an issue when the other person won’t speak to you? Sad thoughts fill my head daily. In hindsight, I think things could have been handled differently. At the time though, it was the only thing to do. I was put in an awkward position and I had to make a decision. Now, it seems like I have lost my daughter and the relationship I was growing with my grand son, one of the most important little people in my life…..

An invitation to Thanksgiving dinner and the desire to put the past in the past was not enough. I sat and waited for a phone call, a text or any indication that peace could be made. Nothing. Disappointment. Sadness. The everlasting urge to cry lingers. Do I stop hoping? Do I give up? How can I?

I’ve not seen or heard from them in over 2 months. I tell myself to be patient, that there is light at the end of the tunnel. But is there? I guess I wait……

Bittersweet

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My daughter, S.R. and my grandson, D.M. have moved out. I wish them the best naturally but I will worry about them, no matter what….and I most definitely will miss them, A LOT!

It’s been strange here without them. I wake up in the morning to absolute quiet, a clean kitchen and no toys on the floor to stumble over. When I brush my teeth I can’t believe the space on my counter. One roll of toilet paper has lasted us 2 days instead of just one. My living room is again, a living room, instead of a play room. Things that I had to put out of D.M.’s reach are now easy to get to. No more searching for my remote controls! There are no more temper tantrums right in the middle of my tv shows! No more loud foot steps of a two year old’s running feet when I’m trying to take a nap. Dinner time is odd without them both sitting at the opposite side of the table. The laundry room isn’t constantly in use. I no longer have little feet on my heels as I go outside. It’s rather sad….

I’m enjoying the calmness; something my house hasn’t seen in a long time, but I miss my grandson something terrible. I miss his great big squishy hugs and the kisses he gives me and then wipes off. I miss his sign language (one of his own creation) and the facial expressions that follow. I miss tickling under his chin, and hearing that uncontrollable giggle. I don’t know why he’s so ticklish there! I will miss the completion of his potty training and his words for pee and poop – ‘ewee’ and ‘woop’. I will definitely miss watching him play when he doesn’t know he’s being watched. He’s quite amusing! I love him so much!

Of course, I’ll miss S.R. too. She’s my baby girl after all. My Friday the 13th baby, who to this day is still called ‘Jason’ by her grampa. She has made some bad choices and learned from them. She will continue to learn from her experiences and choices. She’s my oldest child, my only daughter. She is the most loyal person you could ever meet. She has a good heart and kind soul. I watched her grow into a beautiful young woman and I’m proud to say she’s my daughter.


I love you baby girl!