Tag Archives: struggle

Oh, The House…

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Well, crap on a cracker. We’re going to run out of money before the house is move-in ready. By move-in ready, I mean that it won’t be completely finished but it will have the necessities to live in. We weren’t sure if we’d get the entire kitchen cabinetry done but that the kitchen would be usable. Now, we’re not even sure of getting that far.

The drywall is the next step. Materials and labor are going to cost a bit over $10,000 and the septic, maybe about the same. Then there’s painting. Even with a no-frills paint color and brand, that might be as far as we can go. This is such a disappointment. We had hoped to be moving in before the hot and humid summer began but that’s not going to happen.

If only we could win the lottery. We don’t need millions of dollars, however, that would be nice. No, just an extra $40,000 or so would really help us get the house, probably finished. It’s going to take some time doing a little each month or two. Depending on the project, it might take months to save the money to do it. Ugh.

So, we need either $40,000 extra or a miracle. I don’t see either happening any time soon. It’s just so disappointing. I had been so down about the whole new-house situation and then we found a guy to do the work. My depression subsided and hope began to take over. Now, hope is slowly dissipating.

It’s difficult living in this old house. My life is a struggle the way it is. I don’t need the house making things even worse. It used to be a cute little place but in the last 10 years it has started falling apart. It was never anything fancy but it was functional and comfortable. Now, not so much.

I’ll keep y’all posted. Pray, or cross your fingers, or whatever you do, for us. We need all the help we can get.

Until next time,

First Thoughts Are Not Pretty

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Daily writing prompt
Jot down the first thing that comes to your mind.
View all responses

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I’m grateful for many things in my life. I’m grateful to have a roof over my head, indoor plumbing, electricity, clean clothing, clean water, heat, and a/c, food to eat, a car, and many other things. Having those things doesn’t mean I don’t struggle. 

I struggle daily with depression, pain, and mobility issues. Some people don’t understand the difference between being depressed and being disabled which leads to depression. What I mean is, if you’re depressed you don’t want to do anything. But your body is still ABLE to do things. You can go to work, do the laundry, wash dishes, sweep the floor, run the vacuum, get groceries, etc. You may be depressed and not WANT to do those things but you are still physically able. In my case, my body is unable. I’m lucky if I can stand for 15 minutes at a time. My depression is from not being able to do the things that most people take for granted. Think about it the next time you shower, or step out for the mail. Think about walking to and from the bathroom, tossing a load of clothes in the washing machine, or fixing something to eat. I struggle to do those things. I can’t work, go shopping, or go to the movies. I can’t clean the house like it should be cleaned. I can’t cook, which is something that I always enjoyed. Because of my inability to do those things, I get depressed. I fight it daily because if I let it take over, who will take care of my dad? It’s obvious to me that I can’t depend on anyone for help so I do it all myself. Well, as much as I can do. 

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Suffering With Chronic Pain

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Most people don’t understand chronic pain and how it affects a person’s life. They will never understand until it happens to them. I don’t wish that on anyone! Most chronic pain sufferers have at least one well-meaning friend who is always trying to find a cure for their ailment or pain. The effort is much appreciated but it’s all in vain. Most of us with chronic pain have tried just about everything…because…do you think we WANT to live with debilitating pain? Of course we don’t! We have tried almost everything we can to make our lives more bearable, to no avail.

I have Osteoarthritis and Degenerative Bone Disease, specifically in my knees. I am in Stage 4, which results in the loss of cartilage in the joint. There is NO CURE, only treatments to manage the symptoms. The bone-on-bone friction associated with this can cause severe symptoms, such as:

  1. Swelling/Inflammation – Synovial fluid can increase, which normally helps reduce friction with movement but large amounts can cause swelling in the joint. Fragments of broken cartilage can cause increased swelling and pain.
  2. Severe Pain – Pain during movement, and during rest and sleep. By the end of the day, after use of the joints, more swelling occurs and pain is increased.
  3. Decreased Range of Motion – Movements are slow, with stiffness and pain making it hard to enjoy daily activities.
  4. Joint Instability – The joints become less stable; knees can “lock up” or just plain give out, which can result in a fall or injury.
  5. Weakened Muscles – As joints continue to wear down the muscles become weaker, bone spurs can develop and bone deformity can occur. (My legs are bowed, more so the left.) With weakened muscles also comes an increased risk of falls.

Some of the words I have used to describe my pain are sharp, gnawing, throbbing, stabbing, burning, excruciating, grinding, locking, stiffness, dull, tightening, and debilitating. Sounds fun, ‘eh?

This disease causes severe pain but also affects your life in other ways:

  1. Sleep Disturbances – Interferes with restorative sleep. It’s difficult to find a comfortable position, and it’s painful to even move.
  2. Weight Gain – With chronic pain, you tend to move less so it’s easier to put on extra weight. Pain makes it difficult to exercise or just have an active life.
  3. Anxiety and Depression – With chronic pain you tend to have difficulties performing normal everyday tasks like cleaning and laundry, showering, dressing, grocery shopping, walking, reaching, cooking, stairs, standing in lines, and much more. These are things we take for granted when we’re physically able; we don’t even think twice when doing them. When those simple little tasks become a struggle, it has a negative effect on our mental health. Enter depression and anxiety. It’s all so exhausting!

So, I guess I’m just trying to help others understand the struggle of living with a debilitating disease and chronic pain. Everyone’s struggle might be different but we are all the same. We are suffering, even if we don’t show it on the outside. We try to hide it from others. We try to be “normal” like everyone else. Some days we try. Sometimes we succeed. Sometimes we fail.

Some days, we just CAN’T.