Tag Archives: chronic pain

Learning & Moving Forward

Posted on by
2

The last 5 years have been extremely trying. I’ve had to deal with more than I ever imagined I would, and at times thought it would never get better. I spent hours upon hours upon hours crying my eyes out. I have felt helpless, and hopeless. I’ve felt anger and sadness. I’ve suffered through many panic attacks and raging depression. After a couple years trying to pull myself up with not much success, I began seeing a therapist. With her help, I learned a lot about myself, and other people.

My therapist has helped me make sense of much of what I was feeling. With her guidance, and my hard work to meet her challenges, I can finally say that my life is getting back on track. I don’t think I could have done it without her help. You may think these things are a “no brainer” but when you have been raised a certain way, treated a certain way, and had to deal with so many issues, it tends to overwhelm a person!! You sometimes lose yourself while trying to process things, and some things are shoved under the rug because they are too hard to deal with.

Some of the things I have learned along the way are:

*I have learned that the guilt and shame that I carried for so long, was NOT mine to carry. I am not responsible for the actions of others, and I have made peace with events of the past.

*I have learned to set limits and create boundaries. Just as I don’t allow just anyone to come into my house, I cannot allow just anyone to enter my mind, and my life and drain me of my energy or place unwanted expectations on me. I do not have to allow negativity from others to bring me down. I do NOT have to engage in their drama.

*I have been a caregiver for all of my adult life. I have always put everyone else’s needs above my own. I put my needs on the back burner, thinking they were not important. I have learned that it’s not selfish for me to take care of ME! My needs are just as important as anyone else’s!

*I am a logical thinker. I’ve learned that if I can’t make sense of something, in my mind it’s hogwash. I get along with those who are like-minded. I don’t mix well with people who do not think for themselves. I don’t understand people who follow anything blindly.

*I’ve learned that there are certain people whom I cannot help simply because they won’t help themselves. I can’t keep throwing them a rope and letting them pull ME under! Some people are emotional vampires, draining you of all the energy you have. It’s ok to take a step back (or several) and protect yourself! I know I don’t have to let them drain me anymore! (This goes back to setting limits and creating boundaries, as mentioned earlier in this post.)

*I’ve learned that my thoughts, my opinions are just as important as anyone else’s. All through my childhood, my mother stifled me. I was ridiculed for voicing my opinion, for asking questions, and for asking for what I needed for ME. I may still keep my mouth shut at times (because even though I have the right to say it, doesn’t mean I should) but I no longer let the fear of what others think, keep me from using my voice.

*I’ve learned that I can forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made in my life. We aren’t handed an instruction book when we first venture out on our own, when we enter a new relationship, or when we begin having children. We have no clue how to do it, but yet we figure it out along the way! We make mistakes. Sometimes the mistakes are small and sometimes they are huge, but we learn as we go and we have to forgive ourselves for the mistakes we have made or we will drown in the “shoulda-woulda-coulda” mentality.

*I’ve learned that others will never understand my chronic pain if they have never experienced chronic pain themselves. I can explain until my head explodes but they won’t understand that I can’t do the things they think I should be able to do. They don’t SEE anything wrong with me, so they think I’m just lazy. They can’t see how tired I am, how much I hurt, or that I’d just like to crawl in a cave and never come out again. I don’t have to explain anymore. I’m good with whatever they think about me. I just pray that they never have to experience chronic pain themselves! (If you need to understand chronic pain, a good place to start is with “The Spoon Theory.” Google it. There is no better way to understand than this.)

And last, and I am definitely not finished learning….

*I’ve learned that you just can’t fix stupid!! I get so irritated with people doing stupid and inconsiderate things that I could just pull my hair out! I am still working on this one, but I’m getting better at just letting it go!! I let things get to me too easily sometimes. It seriously affects my mood when someone pulls out in front of me on a busy road, or when someone zips through a parking lot right behind me, even though I’m already half way out of my parking spot, or when a group of people are having a “reunion” of sorts in the store blocking the entire width of the aisle. When you approach, they turn and see you but still make no effort to move over so you can pass through! UGH. I could go on and on….. These things aggravate me to no end. I always try to be courteous and watch for others around me when I’m out and about. I know they have things to do just as I do. So, why don’t they behave the same way?

All in all, my life may be a bit difficult but I am moving forward. I continue to see my therapist and work on my issues. I use to think “I will never see a shrink because I can’t talk to a stranger about personal things! That’s what friends and family are for!” Well, I was wrong for thinking this way. Yes, it’s good to talk to friends and family but some things are too deep and personal to share with them! Sometimes, a complete stranger can see things more clearly. A trained therapist can actually help you figure things out!

My Ordeal – Part Two

Posted on by
Reply

If you haven’t read Part One, you can find it here: https://echo11am.wordpress.com/2015/07/11/my-ordeal/

Last month, I realized my appointment for the second EGD/Colonoscopy was coming up! Immediately, I started to worry. My anxiety level went up. I started obsessing over what was going to happen. I was having some digestive issues for months and I started to wonder if there really was something wrong with me. Could my doctor have been right all along?

I Googled my symptoms – bad idea – and thought I might have Crohn’s or Celiac. Maybe it was Ulcerative Colitis or Diverticulitis. The information I found was telling me that many people don’t have symptoms or maybe just one. I kept going around and around with my thoughts. I was arguing with myself. I was no longer having low iron issues. I hadn’t been retested BUT I was no longer experiencing extreme fatigue or insomnia. My diet had improved since my hernia repair surgery and I had stopped taking the iron supplements. If I had blood loss inside, as my doc said was a possibility, wouldn’t I still be extremely fatigued on a daily basis, especially since I stopped the iron supplement? Then I thought of the dreaded “C” word. I prayed every night for weeks, “Please God, don’t let it be cancer. Let it be anything else, but not cancer.” All the research I did, all the talking to myself, all the worrisome thoughts I had, did me no good at all. I had myself worked up into a frenzy by the time the procedure date came!

When the hospital contacted me for registration/admit information, I was instructed not to take my pain medication. Here we go again! I told the woman I had already spoken with the doctor and he said I could take it. She argued with me. “Oh no, ma’am. You can’t take that medication. It’s an NSAID.” I told her, “I know what it is and I already talked to the doctor about it. He told me I could take it. In fact, I had just a few days prior to this called him and verified that as fact.” This went on for a good ten minutes. I told her to call him and ask him herself! She said, “We aren’t allowed to do that ma’am. You will need to contact him personally and verify.” I was getting a little – ok a LOT aggravated – and I said firmly and probably a little too loudly, “I already have!” She dropped it and we went on with the registration/admit process. Thanks for adding to my anxiety, you argumentative twit.

Procedure day came. Stressed and ready to run, we headed on to my appointment. I knew they were going to put me completely under. I had had my surgery just a few months ago and didn’t have a problem with anesthesia. I shouldn’t be worried about this! The nurses were nice and tried to make me comfortable. They assured me it was going to be fine. That’s what they said the last time and look what happened!

Another nurse came in and proceeded to tell me about the “twilight” drug. I screamed inside my head. I told her right away that I was going to be put completely under with anesthesia. She argued with me. I told her I wanted to talk to the doctor. I also told her, “If they are planning on using the “twilight” drug then I am leaving!” She told me the doctor probably won’t see me before the procedure but I can talk to the anesthesiologist. Better than nothing, I suppose. I don’t have to do this, I kept telling myself.

After they took me to the holding area, the doctor DID come in to talk with me! Boy! Was I relieved! He said he remembered my case well and he told me that I was going to be completely asleep. I told him that I needed some assurance that if I wasn’t completely asleep, if I woke up, or if I cried out then he would stop immediately! He said he would definitely stop but he didn’t think we would have any issues. I explained how traumatic it was for me the last time. He understood. Whew!

The anesthesiologist came in next, and I verified again that he was going to put me completely under. I wasn’t going to chance that they were both on the same page!! Thankfully, they were on the same page, and then they rolled me to the procedure room. I’m still screaming inside! I’m scratching from the inside out, trying to find a way out of this! I couldn’t believe I was willingly going to let them do this to me again!! 

It wasn’t long before my lights went out. Thank goodness! I’m not really sure how long it took. I lost track of all time. I woke up coughing, coughing, coughing. I didn’t think I would ever stop. It took awhile to get that ‘stuff’ out of my lungs! Oh, and the gas! The wonderfully loud flatulence you get afterward! (They have to pump air into your colon so they can see better!) I really didn’t care how loud I was. They did this to me, they can suffer the consequences!! 

They took me back to my room after I was completely awake and aware. I was relieved that this was finally OVER! I wondered how I got a bit upper lip though. Curious. It was puffy and hurt like hell. If that was the only damage, then I was ok with that! But, I hadn’t asked about the results. I was afraid to ask. Should I ask? Dad was there and I knew the doctor had talked to him afterward. I had to ask him what they found, as scared as I was to know. Just as long as it’s not cancer!! I finally got the courage to ask. Dad told me the doctor said he didn’t find anything whatsoever! Not even one single polyp! Most people my age usually have a couple polyps. Not me! No biopsy had to be done. No cancer, no colitis, no diverticulitis, no Crohn’s, no Celiac. No inflammation. No bacteria. You know that part of me that was scratching from the inside out trying to find a way out of this? I was now jumping for joy as if I was on a trampoline!! Now, where’s my clothes? I’m going home and you can’t stop me!

I slept like a happy, fed, and dry baby that night! Never woke up once. The problem was, when I woke up the next morning, every muscle in my body hurt! It hurt to laugh, to cough, to sneeze. It hurt to move! I wondered if I was really under full anesthesia and maybe I just didn’t remember anything. Did those rat bastards use a “twilight” drug on me after all? Why would I be so sore? If I was completely asleep, my body must have still known what was “up” because it seems as though my muscles tensed up in reaction to the procedure! Why else would I be this sore? I can understand my ribs and abdominal muscles being sore from the coughing. But my calves, thighs, shoulders, neck, and arm muscles too? The procedure was July 7. Today is the first day I feel normal again!

I go back to my regular doctor this week for a follow up. She will be checking my iron level. I will be telling her, “I told you it was my diet!” I will admit however, two things: One, maybe the para-esophageal hiatal hernia was preventing me from absorbing the little bit of iron in my diet, and Two, if it weren’t for the first horrifying EGD/Colonoscopy experience I would have never known about my stomach and had it repaired. I still think, and I will tell my doctor, that she should have at least asked me about my diet, and perhaps rechecked my iron after a couple of weeks…instead of scaring me half to death with worst case scenarios!!! Seems that doctors these days think they know us better than we know ourselves! Ha!

I’m thankful to be as healthy as I am. I have chronic pain from severe arthritis but I can deal with this most days. I’m thankful I don’t have cancer, or any of those other digestive diseases. Maybe I’ll live, after all.

Bummed

Posted on by
2

For most of my adult life I have been a caregiver. Even before I graduated from high school, I worked at an elementary school, working with special ed children. Then when I had my own children I worked a Day Care in my own home. I did that for years. I worked as a CNA/CMT (Certified Nurse’s Aide and Certified Medication Technician) for several years in a Nursing Home – again, caring for other people.  I was always ready and eager to help someone, family or not. I always tried to be there for my sisters, grandmother, dad, my friends, and my children. As my kids grew older, they needed me less. They are now grown and living elsewhere. The problem with them growing older is that so am I! I am in my 50’s now and my health isn’t what it once was. I can’t do what I use to do.

I’m currently taking care of my dad, who is nearly 80 years old. He still takes care of himself for the most part but I make sure he takes his meds, gets to his appointments, eats right, has clean clothes etc. It’s getting harder for me to take care of things as I did before. I can’t clean the house the way it should be cleaned due to my chronic pain issues. Dad helps with things I can’t reach – he’s tall and I’m very short. He helps keep the kitchen clean. When I cook, he washes the dishes. He helps me keep the bathroom clean and does a multitude of tasks around the house so that I don’t have to. He even folds clothes! I appreciate what he does to help me, and he appreciates what I do to help him. It’s nice to be appreciated….

I feel that Dad really is my best friend and probably the ONLY person I can count on in this world for moral support when I need it. The problem is that most of my friends and my sisters live in other states. Extended family all live in other states. My kids have their own lives to lead, their own problems, etc. I virtually have no one to hold my hand and lend me an ear….except Dad. He doesn’t understand many things women go through, or things I personally have been through. It doesn’t always help to have him to lean on. In fact, sometimes it makes things worse. He’s a man. (I’d like to see men go through some of the shit women go through on a daily basis and see how well they cope!)

I guess I’m just feeling bummed these days. I sit here alone most of the time with my Facebook friends and family….and Dad. This is probably where I will still be in 5 years.