The Night Dad Scared The H*ll out of Me

It’s getting to be too much for both of us. Getting groceries, that is. I always place a curbside order once a week. I try to limit items to no more than 20. It never fails I end up with more than 20 because one of us forgot we needed toilet paper or paper towels or something else.

Dad and I pick up the order, which is the easy part. (Good grief, I hope Walmart never discontinues this service!) When we get home, I load bags of groceries into a utility cart. Heavier items go on the bottom, of course. Dad pulls the cart up the ramp and into the house. The problem is, we still have some heavy items like water and kitty litter. I use our lunch cart for those items; I bring the cart to the door and Dad carries those items to the door and puts them on the cart. It’s not far because I pull right up to the ramp. When all is unloaded, I tell Dad to go change his clothes so he can sit and rest. I unload the groceries from the utility cart and put things away.

Dad changed his clothes and sat down in his chair to rest. He was exhausted and went to sleep. He fell asleep off and on for the rest of the day. Later, he watched a movie or something on the Firestick. I was in the kitchen doing a puzzle, listening to an audiobook.

When it crept closer to 10pm, which is his bedtime, I knew he had fallen asleep because he was so quiet. Normally, I hear him cough, laugh, talk to one of the cats, or more often than not, drop something like the remote. He falls asleep in his chair all the time so I didn’t think twice about it…until it was 10:15 and he was still not even getting ready for bed. Usually, he gets ready for bed around 9:45.

I went to check on him and there he was fast asleep. I saw his chest rising and falling but he was out like a light! I called out to him to tell him what time it was. He didn’t wake up. I called out louder and still, he didn’t wake up. I sat down in my chair to give the furbabies their Temptations snacks, as per our normal routine. Trust me, they were all sitting by my chair waiting. They knew it was past time! 

I kept trying to wake Dad, getting louder and still, nothing. Finally, I touched his hand and tried again to wake him. He just would not wake up! I shook his arm; still nothing. I shook harder and finally, thank God, he woke up! He scared me to death. I thought I had lost him. I just cried in a huge wave of relief. He had no idea what was going on. 

I dread the day I have to say goodbye to this man who has truly been there for me my entire life. He is closer to a best friend than I’ve ever had in my life. (Even closer than the best friend I actually had, who come to find out, was judging me all along.) He has helped me raise my kids when their father couldn’t be bothered to write to them. We have shared many things, including finances and health issues.

Losing Dad will be the biggest loss I will ever face. 

C’est La Vie…

Another one bites the dust, as they say. I’ve had to let another friend go. Was it my fault? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe fault lies with both.

Do I push people away? Yes, I suppose I do but I prefer to say, “I let them go,” because I’m not the only one doing the pushing. I don’t always say something to them because it’s subtle and I know the person is just trying to help.

First of all, with no real understanding of my pain and its cause, people have a tendency to want to help. They offer advice and remedies; perhaps supplements, or exercises. I get tired of trying to explain. It’s not like I haven’t tried nearly everything under the sun and within my budget and ability, to help myself. Nothing helps because it’s severe bone and joint damage/pain I suffer from. Nothing is going to help except for knee replacements. That’s an entirely different post.

I get tired of disagreeing with people. People who bring up the same things in conversation, knowing full well that I disagree. It’s like they are looking for an argument. Then they make me feel as though I can’t question what they have said. I think it’s healthy to question things and if you can’t disagree with someone, what the hell is the point?

I don’t like filtering everything I say all the time. I watch what I say when I’m in public or when it’s someone I don’t l know well, but constantly having to worry about what to say or how I should say it, makes it hard to have a discussion without tension.

I’m not a negative person but I have bad days, some worse than others. Some people don’t recognize that I’m more a realist than anything else. I prefer to see things as they are, not how I want them to be. That doesn’t make me a negative person but there I was being told how negative I was all the time.

Having a gift (my cookbook) declined with, “I don’t want it,” is hurtful. No matter how nicely you put it.

Sometimes, I feel provoked. Knowing perfectly well how I feel about YouTube “information” for example, but still trying to push it at me like it’s fact drives me insane! My bad for not stopping it as soon as it started.

When I reach a certain point, I start to lash out. Then, when the other person lashes out, I fall back into the “everything is my fault” mindset, that stems from my 12 years in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship. So, I apologize. I try to explain. I apologize again. Afterward, I’m left with more anger because I realize that I was being baited in the first place. Baiting denied, of course. But it was like being pulled back into routine manipulation, as I experienced so long ago. Not doing that again, for anyone.

I guess that’s why my circle is small. When I’m with other friends, my mood is elevated and I feel less stress. Things are positive and fun, relaxing. I don’t feel exhausted afterward.

So, the end is the end. I feel sad but I feel peace at the same time. I don’t know how else to explain it. I’m heartbroken to have ended a friendship, but at the same time I feel peace in knowing that I won’t have potential conflict and disagreement slapping me in the face anymore.

C’est la vie.

aunt-debbie

Goodbye, Honey Bear

Honey Bear took her last ride yesterday. I wish I could have made her feel better, even if only for a few days. I couldn’t watch her wither away and suffer.
I was never sure how old Honey was when she came to us in 2017 but our vet at that time said she was under 5 years old. I decided she was about 3 years old, so about 9 this year. It was the evening before my birthday in July of 2017. This is going to sound strange, but I felt that my Fuzz led her to me. I had just lost Fuzz a few months prior. The night before my birthday this year is when she first showed signs of being sickly. A week later, she’s gone.
Thanks, everyone, for the sympathy and condolences. I appreciate all of the moral support through the last week. I am mentally and physically exhausted. It’s hard losing a furry member of the family. Even the other furbabies know there’s something off.
RIP Honey Bear 2017-2023 (1)

Heartbreaking News

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Honey Bear is sicker than we first thought. After her initial visit with the vet, she felt better right away due to the antibiotics and steroid injections. But by Sunday she was back to looking sickly again. I was trying to entice her to eat more with things she loves like tuna and chicken but noticed she was having trouble chewing. I suspected a dental issue. So, I give her food that she lap up easily and off to the vet we went again yesterday.

I was right about the dental issue; the good news is that it can be treated. The bad news is that she also has a tumor in her tummy pushing on her intestines. The vet suggested an oral antibiotic for the dental problem and an oral steroid to try and shrink the tumor. Thankfully they gave the two mixed together making it only 1ml twice a day that I have to cram down her throat. Anyway, she won’t have much more time with us. I am hoping she will start eating more so she won’t be so weak. I want her to have a little time left where she feels better so I can give her more lovins before she goes. Right now she hides a lot.

The vet said we could probably get her feeling better for 2 weeks to 2 months on the steroid but we have to wait and see how she does. I will eventually have to make that inevitable and heartbreaking decision to let her go…

Letting Go….

One of the hardest things a person will ever have to do is lose someone they love. When my grandmother passed in 2000 and when my mother passed years earlier, it was the most difficult feeling to stomach. That sick feeling passes after awhile but you just never get over the loss.

It’s also very difficult to lose a beloved pet. My daughter’s pet ferret, Peanut, passed yesterday. He had been ill and the thought of seeing him suffer was unbearable. There was nothing we could do for him. He was once a vibrant, playful crazy ferret who loved to play and hide toys under the couch. Next thing we knew, he was unable to use his hind legs. Coupled with other symptoms like loss of appetite, weight loss, incontinence and tarry stool, it was looking very grim.

We learned that he most likely had a tumor on his pancreas, causing low blood sugar and all the other symptoms. Surgery was the only thing left for him, but he was probably too weak to survive it. Even if he did survive the surgery, he would have to be on medication the rest of his life. The sad thing is that the rest of his life might have only been 4 months or so. So after hundreds of dollars in tests, surgery and drugs, to have his life be extended by only a few months seemed cruel. Why put him through so much pain and agony?

Making the decision to have him euthanized was difficult. We had to do this, for him. Let him rest in peace, knowing that he was loved and cared for by every single one of us. That sick feeling of loss will go away but we will never forget Peanut. He brought us many laughs and lots of kisses.

Rest In Peace, Peanut. We love you and we will miss you very much.

 

PEANUT

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