Tag Archives: depression

What’s Next?! Can We Not Ever Get A Break?

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So many people have said to me, “You guys sure have a lot of bad luck!” That’s for sure! Every time I turn around, something else happens, and I just want to jump off a cliff!

On Friday, I was working in the kitchen when the water suddenly turned off. I thought I had accidentally hit the lever while working, causing it to turn off. When I turned the lever again, the water came back on. But later, when I went to wash my hands in the bathroom, there was no water. Not even a trickle. I went to the breaker box and flipped the switches for the well and pump, and water heater. Still no water. OMG.

When I was talking about it with Dad and my sister, I just about lost it. I started to cry. It’s so depressing when every damn time you turn around, something else goes wrong. I quickly pulled it together, as I always do. I called a well and pump guy, who came yesterday evening. We hoped for a simple fix, but as our luck has proven over and over again, I expected something that would cost us a fortune. A fortune that would come out of the funds for the new house.

I don’t think the Universe wants us to get into the new house. Or maybe the Universe wants us to die in the rubble of this old, crappy house when it falls in on us. Whatever the case, I wish it would just hurry the hell up. I’m tired of the continual bullshit, bad luck, and depression. My sister doesn’t deserve to live through this shit with us. She’s here to help, not get sucked under.

Anyway, the well guy came with a helper. They were at the wellhouse for about 30 minutes. I guessed they were testing this and that. When he came to the door, I let him in, expecting the worst. He said it was the control box for the pump. It got zapped by lightning or damaged by a major power surge. We all remembered just a few days ago when we had a thunderstorm. Ka-BOOM! Lightning had taken out my tower fan. I was thankful at the time that that was all it killed. We didn’t know it hit the control box, too. The guy said that it sometimes takes a few days for it to completely quit working. He showed us how a screw was completely burned, as well as other parts of the box. So, there ya go. $351.26 later, we had water again. At least it wasn’t the pump or a dry well.

I wish we could just win the lottery. Big money. A HUGE jackpot. Then we could get the new house done, take care of bills, and have money to live on for the rest of our lives. I’d help out family and friends. I’d donate the rest to local charities. I know, it’s wishful thinking to think we’d ever win the lottery!

We always get through crap like this, but I’m getting tired of it. Past tired of it. I mean, seriously. How much crap does one family have to endure before shit starts to let up? When will good luck ever come our way? I try to stay positive, but it’s getting old.

I hope you are having a great Sunday! Until next time,

Oh, The House…

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Well, crap on a cracker. We’re going to run out of money before the house is move-in ready. By move-in ready, I mean that it won’t be completely finished but it will have the necessities to live in. We weren’t sure if we’d get the entire kitchen cabinetry done but that the kitchen would be usable. Now, we’re not even sure of getting that far.

The drywall is the next step. Materials and labor are going to cost a bit over $10,000 and the septic, maybe about the same. Then there’s painting. Even with a no-frills paint color and brand, that might be as far as we can go. This is such a disappointment. We had hoped to be moving in before the hot and humid summer began but that’s not going to happen.

If only we could win the lottery. We don’t need millions of dollars, however, that would be nice. No, just an extra $40,000 or so would really help us get the house, probably finished. It’s going to take some time doing a little each month or two. Depending on the project, it might take months to save the money to do it. Ugh.

So, we need either $40,000 extra or a miracle. I don’t see either happening any time soon. It’s just so disappointing. I had been so down about the whole new-house situation and then we found a guy to do the work. My depression subsided and hope began to take over. Now, hope is slowly dissipating.

It’s difficult living in this old house. My life is a struggle the way it is. I don’t need the house making things even worse. It used to be a cute little place but in the last 10 years it has started falling apart. It was never anything fancy but it was functional and comfortable. Now, not so much.

I’ll keep y’all posted. Pray, or cross your fingers, or whatever you do, for us. We need all the help we can get.

Until next time,

That Time of The Year, Again

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I am not looking forward to the holidays. I haven’t enjoyed them as much as I used to since way back in 2009. Some things happened that were beyond my control but, well, let’s just say that it took a therapist to help me get through them. I have blogged about that time of my life here before so I won’t go into it again.

When I was in my early 40s I looked forward to my 50s and 60s when my family would all gather together for the holidays. I always thought I’d have my children and grandchildren all around me. I envisioned reading Christmas stories to the grandkids and watching them hang their personalized ornaments on the tree. I could see the joy of the holidays in their eyes and the excitement of opening gifts. I loved the idea of sharing great food, movies, and traditions. To me, Christmas has always been about family.

Thanksgiving is all about family, too, in my opinion. I imagined having my family all around a big, crowded table, enjoying good food and good times. We’ve had my son and his family here for those dinners and my bestie (at the time) would come and we all had a good time. My bestie decided she was no longer interested in coming for those dinners, and recently I ended that friendship (for other reasons) so there are even fewer people at my imaginary table.

I don’t look forward to the holidays anymore. My life is filled with pain, mobility issues, and the stress of caring for my Dad. My grandkids are here and there, and the nearest hardly even know me. It’s depressing when I think about it so I try not to. But the holidays force the thoughts.

It’s lonely. There’s no joy in the holidays anymore. Sure, we’ve had ham or turkey dinners and a few gifts but I haven’t put up a tree in years. The last time I did, it was a small 1 footer, but I don’t even bother with that anymore. I don’t bother putting decorations up and I don’t even care to keep up the old traditions, or even the newer ones. Why bother with any of it if the kids and grandkids won’t be around to enjoy it with us?

This year, the grandkids will get a gift or 2 from Dad and me, and my kids will get a copy of my cookbook, (that I dedicated to them in the first place). Other than that, nothing special is planned. No tree, no celebration, no traditions, no big feast, no nothing.

Dad and I will stay home and eat junk food. Just kidding. Most likely, I will make simple meals or we’ll go out and eat. It’s depressing being alone and I know Dad feels it, too. He has great-grandchildren who don’t even know him for Pete’s sake! It’s a shame because Dad loves kids and would love to have his great-grandkids around him.

I won’t complain anymore. We’ll get through it; we always do. 

Holiday Depression

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I won’t be spending much time online until after the holidays. I may pop in at times to read a blog or two, perhaps even comment. Facebook is my go-to for staying in touch with friends and family but during the holidays it’s just depressing. It’s depressing to see posts and photos of family get-togethers, grandkids having fun, and all that good stuff. Why? I’ll explain.

When I was in my 40s and my kids were nearing the age of adulthood, I always envisioned my 50s and 60s with grandkids all around me during the holidays with good food, laughter, and gift-giving. But that didn’t happen. I’m in my 60s and disabled so I can’t travel to see the grandkids, contrary to what some may think. They don’t travel to see us, so I feel even less important and lonely. I have 4 grandchildren within 20 miles and rarely see them. One I haven’t seen in years. One I saw last year and didn’t even recognize her because it had been that long since I saw her last. I see the other 2 (brothers, one is a baby) mostly during the holidays for a few hours. The baby I have seen only once. I will see them this coming week if everything goes as planned.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m taking things too personally but I feel like everyone else gets to enjoy my grandkids while I sit on the sidelines. And poor Dad. He doesn’t even have a relationship with any of his great-grandkids! I see photos of them on Facebook and I love seeing those photos but damn, it’s so depressing! So that’s why I’m going to stay off Facebook until after the holidays. I hate the holidays. I truly, truly hate the holidays.

I’ve not been doing well physically for the past few weeks. I did some major chores and really messed something up. I have pinched nerves as a result. I can’t sit still any longer than I can walk or stand. My rotator cuff injury has been bothering me off and on as well. I’m a hot mess.

Dad is doing ok, aside from falling twice in less than a week. He didn’t hurt himself except for a bruise on his arm. I’m really worried about him and that’s leading to a lot more stress and sleepless nights.

The 3 furbabies are doing well and believe it or not, Jack and BobCat are actually getting along quite well these days! I think they may have had a scuffle or a powwow one day while we were gone because there are times that Jack cowers down to BobCat. Maybe they have come to an agreement of some kind?! Or maybe Alice told them to knock off the horseshit.

I’m making a ham in the instant pot on Thanksgiving, and I’ll whip up some mashed potatoes (the day before) and gravy. I bought pre-made frozen pies because my oven is dead and well, I can’t stand in the kitchen for long. My son and daughter-in-law are bringing the sweet potatoes, rolls, and green bean casserole, (and the 2 grandkids!). My bestie is bringing appetizers. I hope my pain level will allow me to enjoy the day or at least a few hours.

I won’t be blogging until after the holidays so I will wish you a Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year all at once! Thank you for following my blog!

Peace, Love, and Rock n Roll,

BAD

How Do You Celebrate The Holidays?

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Holidays… 

Holidays are depressing. The grandkids are too busy elsewhere to spend the holidays here, although I do see my son and his family for a few hours on Thanksgiving and Christmas. I am grateful for that but I always envisioned my golden years with a houseful of grandkids for the holidays. 

I used to enjoy the holidays when my kids were little. I enjoyed making their holidays fun and exciting. They received gifts of course, but it was the whole season that was important. I didn’t have a lot of money (I never do) but I slowly built a good collection of decor: ornaments, lights, holiday figurines, etc. One thing I did every year was wrap each and every photo hanging on the living room walls in colorful holiday gift wrap, complete with bows and ribbons! It sure made the walls pop in color! I put a tree up and the kids helped decorate it. 

Beginning 5 days before Christmas, my kids would get a small gift each night, like a new folder for school, a pair of decorative socks, or some other small inexpensive gift. On Christmas Eve, the gift would normally be something like a pair of new pajamas or a new outfit for the big day. On Christmas Day, we spent the day watching Christmas movies and pigging out on holiday dinner and treats!

Those days are gone. It’s just me and Dad. He doesn’t care and I don’t care. We just sit here alone and wonder what everyone else is doing. It’s lonely. 

Dad and I don’t even bother getting each other gifts. We get a few gifts for the grandkids (great-grandkids for him) and I don’t even bother sending out cards or putting up a tree. if someone is coming over then we’ll have a holiday dinner of some kind. Last year, I did a charcuterie board and that was just as much work as an actual dinner. 

We always say we’re going to go out to dinner but not too many restaurants are open during the holidays. I’m not sure what we’ll do this year. My oven is broken so I won’t be able to cook anything unless I use my Instant Pot, Crock Pot, or stovetop. Not that I want to cook anything at all. With mobility issues, it just takes too much out of me to cook anything.

Anyway, the holidays are depressing and I’d rather just not have them at all.