I’ve decided to periodically revisit my old posts and share them. If you’ve already read it, thank you. If you haven’t, I hope you will take a few moments and check it out. Please be sure to leave your feedback on that post itself. Thanks for reading, my friends, and fellow bloggers! Link below:
Sticks and Stones and My Scattered Thoughts
I was reading some of my older posts and thought since I kept my blog private back then, I would pick a few to re-share. Some may be too painful for me to post again, but we’ll see how things go.
The following post was from 8 years ago and a rather amusing kid moment. Enjoy!
https://beingauntdebbie.com/2010/06/03/a-random-memory/
Back in the day, before boyfriends and children and a hectic life, my summers were filled with the excitement of backpacking with my Dad. Dad would plan the trip and Mom would buy whatever provisions Dad requested. We took freeze-dried foods, and powdered soup mixes. We had mac n cheese, granola bars, pancake mix, dehydrated eggs, powdered milk, dried hash browns, and well, you get the idea. Dad even built his own food dehydrator and dried veggies for stew. I know the stew had beef in it, but I don’t recall if he dehydrated it himself or if it was purchased dried. Of course, we hoped we would catch fish to supplement or replace what we were bringing. You can’t go with no food and just hope to catch fish because sometimes, there are NO fish! Literally. One of my favorite lakes had been completely fished out. One trip we were there, we watched airplanes fly over and drop fish into the lake to restock it. It would be awhile before those fish would be big enough for a meal!
Anyway, we made sure to have enough food and we spent the night before loading up our backpacks. Dad usually carried most of the weight when I was 12, but as I got older I carried 35 to 40 pounds. I carried my own sleeping bag, clothing, and other personal items, and some of the food items. We packed the trail maps, the compass, flashlights, a tent (sometimes, we just slept under the night sky), and of course, we needed plates, pots, pans, cups, and utensils. Bare minimum, mind you.
We usually chose lakes and streams that were off the beaten path because you know….people. We wanted to be away from people. (Who in their right mind wants some group of idiots camped right next to them?) So, after the drive to where we would leave the car, we were off to the trail that would lead us to several sites. There were streams, and creeks, and other lakes that would be filled with people who either rode in on horseback or made the horses carry in their camping gear. (Pfftt…) We would stop and rest a bit, maybe have something to eat and drink, then be on our way. It might take us a couple days to get to our final destination, so we sometimes spent the night along the way.
When we finally got to the lake, it was a relief to be able to drop that backpack and just relax! At this particular lake, and I don’t recall which one, we felt completely alone in the world! It was beautiful and peaceful! Dad strung our backpacks up on a rope and hoisted them up over a tall tree limb so the bears wouldn’t be able to get them during the night. (Bears get hungry, too!) We slept long and hard that first night, nursing our aches and pains prior to ducking into the tent for the night!
The next morning, while dad was making coffee and breakfast, I decided to go for a bit of a walk and I took my fishing pole with me. I found an awesome spot on a huge boulder at the edge of the lake. It overlooked some pretty deep water. I made sure not to look down or get too close to the edge! I cast my line out thinking maybe we could have some fish for breakfast! I could see the fish jumping so I was hoping for a bite! I reeled my line in a few times, but then the last cast out I got lucky! I caught something and that sucker was strong as hell! It had to be big, I thought. I fought that sucker, and I finally pulled him up on that boulder! The problem was that he was flipping and flopping all over the place and there was some brush just to the left on the boulder. That stupid trout got my fishing line all hung up in the brush. I was struggling to get it untangled when I heard Dad calling for me that breakfast was ready. I hollered back as loud as I could, “OK! Caught a fish! Need help!” Well, he didn’t hear me and kept hollering for me. I kept hollering back at him. I’m thinking, I hope he comes looking for me soon! Geez, I could really be in trouble!
He did finally come looking for me, and we got that fish and line untangled. We saved the fish for lunch if I recall. That trout was the biggest trout I had ever caught! It was 16″ from head to tail and was pretty hefty in weight too!
That was a proud moment for me. I EARNED that trout, after the fight it put me through! I think I was about 15 or 16 at the time. I’ll never forget that trip! Those were the good ol’ days and days that will never be forgotten. I’m so thankful to my Dad for sharing his love of backpacking and nature with me.
I am so sick of hearing people say, “Stay positive,” or “Have you tried x, y, or z?” No one understands the limitations of chronic pain unless they actually live it themselves. They think they’re being helpful with the positive outlook remarks and suggestions to cure my ailment. I know they mean well but they don’t understand. Those with chronic pain don’t want to be depressed. They don’t want to be sad. They don’t like staying home. When you’ve been trying to get help for over 10 years, you kind of lose hope and you lose yourself along the way too.
I’m nothing like the person I once was! I was a cross-country backpacker, worked with special ed kids, cleaned houses and started my own home Day Care for kids. I did volunteer work, worked as a Med Tech, started my own home business…and now I can’t do any of those things. I was a very independent young woman, with a great sense of humor. I was bubbly and always saw the humor in things. A great example is the time a co-worker and I were helping an elderly lady to the bathroom at the nursing home where we worked. We didn’t get her there in time and I ended up with “splatters of a yucky nature” all over my shoes. All I could do was laugh – not at the elderly lady – but at the situation. What else could I do? That’s just how I was. I had co-workers tell me they loved working with me because the day was enjoyable and went by faster. Don’t get me wrong; I still laugh a lot! I still try to find humor in my life daily, but that doesn’t mean I’m ok with being ‘stuck’ in this rut….and STUCK I am!
This chapter of my life is a most difficult one. I try to stay positive and focus on the things that I can do instead of the things that I can’t but do you know how difficult that really is? There is so much I can’t do!
So, how do I create Deb 2.0? How can I reinvent myself when there’s so much I can’t do? My physical abilities limit the things I can do to actually change my life, myself. My bestie says that reinventing myself implies there’s something wrong with me in the first place. She’s right. There IS something wrong with me. I’m disabled. How does a disabled person change his/her life?
I would love to change my physical health but alas, that won’t happen until doctors decide they will help. I like who I am otherwise. I like my personality. I like my sense of humor. I am a strong, intelligent, creative, and compassionate person. So, how do I change this chapter of my life into something that I can be happy with?
I’ve not been writing much lately. Seems there’s always something that causes me problems of some sort. I’ve been thinking in particular about my appointment with the eye doctor a couple of weeks ago. My entire body seems to be falling apart! My eyes are just the latest body part to decide to give me something else to worry about. I had noticed a change in my eyesight for the last few months. My eye doc confirmed that it was not my imagination. It appears that I have a cataract forming in my right eye. Yippee….and if that’s not enough he noticed also that I may have the early signs of macular degeneration. Isn’t that peachy.
So, I was wondering….considering all of the problems I have with my legs, knees, hips, back, hands…and now my eyes….is it possible that I have worn out my body parts from all of the activity in my life? I mean, I’ve never been much of an athlete but I was always very active.
Was it the endless hours on my roller skates when I was a kid? Was it the miles upon miles I put on my bicycle or my countless falls? Was it the hours I spent in the pool in the summer? Did those things put too much wear and tear on my body?
What about as I got older…. Did I do too much hiking and backpacking? Did I carry too much weight in my backpack? Did I watch too many sunsets or sunrises? Did I spend too much time on nature walks? Did I stare too long at the waves on lakes as I diligently watched my fishing line, waiting for a trout to bite? Was the bird watching with binoculars too much for my eyes?
As a young adult, did I spend too much time with children; playing games and entertaining them? Did I put too much energy into my home Day Care? Did my children keep me too active? Did I try too hard to teach my kids (and my Day Care kids) too much in one day, as if there wasn’t enough time to do it all? Did I take them to too many parks, museums, and fairs?
Did I utilize the ladies’ gym with too much zeal? Did I walk to work too many times? Did I read too many novels over the years? Did I crochet too many afghans? Did I use too much black yarn? (That shit is hard to see!)
When I worked as a Med Tech and CNA, did I lift too many patients? Did I put too much strain on my back and legs being on my feet all day long? When I had my own home business, did I spend too many hours on the computer, teaching myself code and building my own business website? Did I stand too long in the kitchen, creating my own bath & body products? What about the countless hours since the age of 20 that I spent cooking every meal from scratch so my family didn’t have to eat processed crap?
What about the hours and hours I spent with my kids on after-school activities? There was boy scouts, girl scouts, t-ball, baseball, soccer, football, ceramics class, guitar lessons, and surely there was more….
Have I done too much? Is this what has caused my body to wear out too soon? It’s not like I have climbed Mount Everest or scaled the Grand Canyon. I’ve never participated in races of any kind, never played professional sports, or been a gymnast. Surely I’ve not put my body through any more than anyone else.
Whatever the reason, I am old before my time. I must persevere, endure, and maintain as much mobility and independence as I possibly can.
Stupid body….
EDIT: Just so y’all know, this post was not completely serious. Yes, I have many physical problems but this was written with sarcasm intended. I know I didn’t wear my body out with activity!!
Being Aunt Debbie 