Category Archives: Health

My Ordeal

Posted on by
1

It all started in January. I went to my regular doctor for my annual check up. Ladies, you know what I mean. Blood was drawn at this visit and the next day Doc calls me and tells me that my blood work results showed I was anemic. That explained the 2.5 hour naps I was taking every single day because I couldn’t keep my eyes open!

Doc went on to explain that since I no longer have a monthly period, there’s no reason for my iron level to be that low. She said there must be blood loss somewhere inside. She strongly suggested an EGD and a colonoscopy. I had been refusing a colonoscopy since I turned 50. Was this her way of making sure I did it, whether I wanted to or not? Perhaps.

I told her I thought it was probably my diet. She said, “No, not unless you’ve gone completely vegetarian.” She wouldn’t even entertain the thought that it was my diet. Was she assuming that because I’m overweight I must get enough to eat? She’s a doctor. Doesn’t she realize that many overweight people are actually undernourished? How can she say with all certainty that it’s not my diet? She doesn’t know what I eat or don’t eat!

She went on to tell me that I could have colon cancer, lymphoma, Crohn’s, or Celiac Disease. Way to go, Doc! Scare the crap out of me. Again — her way of making sure I have a colonoscopy? I was beginning to think so. Reluctantly, I agreed and an appointment was made. In the meantime, she told me to take an iron supplement.

Within a few days of taking the iron supplement, I started to notice a change. I wasn’t totally exhausted by 11:00 am every day. I started sleeping better. Apparently, lack of iron changes something in your brain and that causes insomnia…and I hadn’t slept well in months! Due to these changes, I knew the blood test was accurate.

I was still convinced that it was probably my diet. I didn’t eat breakfast, lunch was my biggest meal and consisted of a vegetable, meat (usually chicken) and sometimes a potato or pasta. Maybe I’d just have a salad made up of romaine lettuce, carrots, celery, and zucchini. I wasn’t eating beef, not much grains — not bread, not even cereal. I wasn’t eating beans. I wasn’t eating much spinach or other dark leafy greens. At dinner time, if I was hungry, I had crackers and cheese or I’d open a can of soup. Maybe for a snack later I’d have a handful of pretzels or a few Hershey’s mini candy bars. Not a very iron-rich diet you say? Riiiight! I also wasn’t taking in any vitamin C, which helps you to absorb the iron in your diet. Ever since my gallbladder surgery, if I ate certain things (beef, grains, some veggies, beans etc.) I would feel bloated and had major discomfort in my stomach. So, I stopped eating those things! I figured I didn’t need the carbs or calories anyway! I thought this was just the way it is after gallbladder surgery.

In a couple of weeks it was time for the dreaded colonoscopy. I was instructed to stop taking all supplements, and my pain medications one week prior to the EGD and colonoscopy. I knew this was going to be miserable because I NEED that pain medication! By day 4 I was in tears and in major pain. I couldn’t sit still, couldn’t walk much, couldn’t sleep. I was a basket case!!

Day of procedures came and I was not only in tremendous pain but my anxiety level was through the roof! I wanted this day to be over. I wanted to go home and take my pain meds and sleep for a week! The nurses and doctor performing the procedures were very nice and explained everything that was going to be done. They tried to make me comfortable because they knew I was in pain. My comfort was short lived.

I was given what they called a “Twilight” drug. It was suppose to put me in la-la land. I wasn’t going to know anything that was happening or remember anything afterward. The EGD would be performed first. A mouth guard was placed in my mouth so that I wouldn’t clamp down on the tube. The tube went down my throat —- I gagged and choked and thought I was going to choke to death! I didn’t think they would ever finish. I was horrified. The nurses did their best to talk me through it all but it wasn’t working. (I couldn’t help think, “why am I aware of this?”) When the tube came out I was relieved. Little did I know that it would go from bad to worse when they started the colonoscopy.

Bear with me now. I hate to remember the details. It was just too traumatic and it has taken me all these months to be able to sit down and actually write about my experience! I won’t go into great detail about the colonoscopy because I think you will get the picture.

The drugs were not working on me, which is why the EGD didn’t go very smoothly for me. The doctor gave me as much of the drug as he possibly could. The colonoscopy could not be finished. I was yelling for them to stop. I was being held down by 2 nurses and told, “Stop yelling” and “It’ll be over soon” and my favorite, “Relax!” — all while being violated!!! I swear if I had seen those 2 bitches afterward I would have kicked them in the face. Thank goodness the doctor stopped the procedure, none too soon if you ask me!

Afterward, the doctor was very apologetic and explained to me that it’s rare but sometimes that happens. My pain level coupled with my high anxiety just over-rode the drugs. I should not have remembered anything but I did! He also told me that I could have taken my pain medication and that he had been trying to tell the ladies in scheduling and registration that that particular drug was OK to take! As for the EGD, he told me that he had a hard time getting into my stomach because it seemed to be in the wrong place, up too high and also that it was shaped funny. Oh great. Now what kind of tests and procedures do I have to look forward to? He suggested an Upper GI. Nothing too scary, thank goodness. He also suggested that we re-do these procedures but that he would put me completely asleep next time. You’re damn right you will, IF — and that’s a really big IF — I decide to do it again at all!

So, I had nightmares for 2 weeks after this happened. It’s hard for me to even recall the details vividly – not that I can’t recall them, but because it’s just too traumatic! Imagine this happening to you! My brain KNOWS it wasn’t rape BUT my emotions tell me differently! I don’t blame the doctor. It wasn’t his fault. Anyway, it was done now and I had to worry about what was wrong with my stomach.

An Upper GI was scheduled and it wasn’t a big deal really. I drank some nasty chalky stuff and was able to see the x-ray of my own stomach as I swallowed. It was kind of cool! The doctor doing this test explained that what I had was an Para-esophageal Hiatal Hernia. Basically, my stomach was in my chest cavity! That explains why I felt such discomfort and bloating, and nearly pain at times, when I ate certain things!! I was told that the danger was that my stomach could twist and cut off it’s own blood supply — resulting in a EMERGENCY situation for me! Yikes!

An appointment was made for a consultation with a surgeon. He was very nice, had a good sense of humor and I felt comfortable with him. He explained what needed to be done and showed me photos as well. He also told me that I don’t have to do anything that I don’t want to do. THAT was the very first time a doctor has ever said those words to me! I agreed that surgery was the best option and it was scheduled. I wasn’t too stressed. I had some anxiety but it was more about my insurance covering the surgery than the surgery itself! And the surgeon said I could continue taking my pain meds, and if I could stop taking them a couple days before the surgery that would be great, but if I can’t that’s ok too.

Surgery went well. I spent 2 days in the hospital and 3 weeks on special diets. The first week was a clear liquid diet. Second week, a full liquid diet. Third week, soft foods. After that it took a couple weeks to be able to eat without getting sick. I’m doing great now….. I’m eating my favorite foods again but I’m definitely trying to get all the necessary nutrients in my diet. Being more health conscious is easier said than done!

Stay tuned for the next installment: My Ordeal – The EGD/Colonoscopy ROUND 2

Bummed

Posted on by
2

For most of my adult life I have been a caregiver. Even before I graduated from high school, I worked at an elementary school, working with special ed children. Then when I had my own children I worked a Day Care in my own home. I did that for years. I worked as a CNA/CMT (Certified Nurse’s Aide and Certified Medication Technician) for several years in a Nursing Home – again, caring for other people.  I was always ready and eager to help someone, family or not. I always tried to be there for my sisters, grandmother, dad, my friends, and my children. As my kids grew older, they needed me less. They are now grown and living elsewhere. The problem with them growing older is that so am I! I am in my 50’s now and my health isn’t what it once was. I can’t do what I use to do.

I’m currently taking care of my dad, who is nearly 80 years old. He still takes care of himself for the most part but I make sure he takes his meds, gets to his appointments, eats right, has clean clothes etc. It’s getting harder for me to take care of things as I did before. I can’t clean the house the way it should be cleaned due to my chronic pain issues. Dad helps with things I can’t reach – he’s tall and I’m very short. He helps keep the kitchen clean. When I cook, he washes the dishes. He helps me keep the bathroom clean and does a multitude of tasks around the house so that I don’t have to. He even folds clothes! I appreciate what he does to help me, and he appreciates what I do to help him. It’s nice to be appreciated….

I feel that Dad really is my best friend and probably the ONLY person I can count on in this world for moral support when I need it. The problem is that most of my friends and my sisters live in other states. Extended family all live in other states. My kids have their own lives to lead, their own problems, etc. I virtually have no one to hold my hand and lend me an ear….except Dad. He doesn’t understand many things women go through, or things I personally have been through. It doesn’t always help to have him to lean on. In fact, sometimes it makes things worse. He’s a man. (I’d like to see men go through some of the shit women go through on a daily basis and see how well they cope!)

I guess I’m just feeling bummed these days. I sit here alone most of the time with my Facebook friends and family….and Dad. This is probably where I will still be in 5 years.

Ugh…..

Posted on by
Reply

Here I sit, sick with a dreadful head cold. I haven’t been sick since December. Ugh. I know that no one likes to be sick. I despise being sick. I am of no use to anyone when I’m sick. I just want to crawl into bed and stay there until the sickness passes…..or I die from boredom, whichever comes first.

Instead of laying in bed all day, I decided to transfer my Blogger Blog to WordPress. So far, so good. It’s here. I figured an update would be in order since it’s been so long since I blogged. (That is, if the fog in my brain will let me complete sentences and actually make sense.)

What has happened over the last 6 months?

*My 3rd grand baby was born in February! Oh my! He is so precious. He has hair like his mother when she was a baby. S.R. had the wildest hair, but I could put clips and ribbons in her hair to keep it ‘tamed’. The first comment people make when they see photos of K.A. is, “Look at that hair!” Dad and I have been trying to go see “the little hairy one” at least once a month. I can’t wait to go see him again.

*My daughter and her boyfriend (A NEW AND IMPROVED BOYFRIEND, since I last posted on the subject!!) have a nice little apartment in Branson, both are working, and they have a competent babysitter for “the little hairy one”. I am very pleased that S.R. is back on track and equally pleased with Z.G., who has proved to be a great daddy and a really good guy. I am very happy to welcome him into our crazy family!

*My pain level continues to rise. If it’s not the ice cold winter, it’s the humidity making my pain worse. Some days I can barely walk. My cane gets lots of use these days. I’m looking into finding a new doctor.

*My son and his girlfriend have found a place of their own and I have an extra room now for my supplies. It’s still a bit on the unorganized side, but I’m working on what works best for me. Time to get the business back on track!

*I have been taking my therapist’s advice and taking care of me. I have spent nearly my entire adulthood taking care of others’ needs and putting my own needs on the back burner. I don’t mind helping others. I actually like helping people. However, I have never set boundaries or limitations. I have had to cut ties with a couple friends because they just didn’t understand. I guess they figured I should be there for them at any given moment.

*I won’t give any details here about this, but let me just say that I am DONE trying to jump through hoops that I just can’t jump through! When one party refuses to take into consideration my physical pain and limitations and STILL expects me to jump….well let’s just say the truth will come out eventually and they will be seen for the hypocritical, judgmental, self-righteous people they truly are. Karma’s a real bitch, baby!

*We finally upgraded to faster internet!! I am finally able to do a lot of things more easily, that I put off all the time before because it was just too much trouble. So, I wonder what I might be getting into next! More blogging for one…..

*Dad is doing great, aside from his forgetfulness. Of course, brain fog makes me forget too, so who am I to talk, huh? What he forgets, I remember. What I forget, he remembers. We help each other out, see?!

So, that’s about it…. Of course, the fog in my head prevents me from remembering a lot of what has been going on lately. I’ll remember more when I’m feeling better and when I come back to read this, I’ll feel like a complete imbecile!

Back to bed….

Tea, Rest, & Rock Music!

Posted on by
Reply

Here I sit tonight, nursing a sore throat with a cup of tea with lemon and raw honey. I’m hoping it won’t last and I’ll feel better come Christmas. Shopping is done, thank goodness! We don’t have any major plans this year; just Dad and I, my son and his girlfriend, Lindsey. My daughter and her boyfriend, Zack won’t be able to make it down since they have to work Christmas Eve. But all’s well; they came last week and we spent a good day together. We’ll have a simple ham dinner and open a few gifts. We’ll spend the day watching funny Christmas movies, like “Trapped In Paradise” or “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.” Oh, I can’t forget Dad’s favorite, “Bad Santa.” It’s raunchy, but hilarious.

Right now, I’m resting. I’m snuggled in a nice, warm throw with my cup of tea. I’m listening to music that always makes me feel better, no matter the circumstances. On my playlist tonight:

Blind Melon’s “No Rain”
Incubus’ “Drive”
Bon Jovi’s “Bed of Roses”
All-American Rejects’ “The Wind Blows”
Apocalyptica’s “Nothing Else Matters” (a cover of Metallica’s hit)
Creed’s “Higher”
Collective Soul’s “The River Flows”

And the entire new album by Avenged Sevenfold. I was never a big fan of theirs. Just couldn’t get past the singer’s voice (too gravely for my taste), or the drums, which were always more annoying than anything else. The lyrics have always been good and the guitars are awesome. I tried for years to like them….knowing they were talented musicians and all, but I just couldn’t do it. This time they nailed it. From the theme of the entire album (end of the world) to even the drums. It’s sad they lost their drummer to prescription drugs a few years ago but this new drummer is easier for me to listen to. There’s a beat now instead of that continuous rat-ta-tat-tat that annoys me to no end. The singer seems to have smoothed his voice some…for lack of a better description. The guitars solos are awesome, as always but it’s more than that. There seems to be even more guitar. Anyway, they nailed it this time. I’m lovin’ it. It’s Rock Music, what can I say? I’m a sucker for power ballads and guitars.

So, tomorrow is Monday…. I hope the relaxation (and tea) help me kick this sore throat because I can’t even sing along to my favorite songs!!

Friendship Lost

Posted on by
3

Wow, it’s been over a year since I last posted in this blog!

Well, the good news is that I am back and after a long year of therapy, I am in a better place. Anyone who knows me, knows I have been through the wringer the last couple of years. Therapy has helped me separate myself from the actions of others and to not carry blame or guilt that is not mine to carry. I have learned to distance myself from things and people who expect more from me than I have to give. I have learned that I don’t have to help everyone. It’s not my job! I can’t help someone who won’t help themselves…which brings me to the subject of this post.

I had been trying for a very long time to get a friend of mine to get some help for her depression, whether it be a medical doctor or a therapist. She always responded with, “You’re the only therapist I need,” and other such statements. I’m not a therapist. I can’t help her with her depression. I was going through my own bouts of depression. I could listen, sure. But after every conversation, I would be exhausted, totally wiped out. I often wondered if this was normal in a friendship. Deep down I knew it wasn’t, but she was my friend. What was I suppose to do? I fought with myself daily! I tried to tell her that I was going through some things that I couldn’t talk about. I told her many times that I was having a hard time myself and that I couldn’t handle her problems AND my own. It didn’t seem to sink in. It didn’t seem to matter. She would dump everything on me and it would suck every ounce of my energy! Don’t get me wrong, I KNOW she has every reason to be depressed. She’s been through some horrible events over the past few years. I feel for her. But I want her to get some help.

Therapy helped me to realize that it’s not my job to take care of her (or anyone else) and that if she’s not willing to help herself then what else can I do? I had to tell her. I tried my best to explain. I told her I couldn’t help her and she had to help herself. I told her I had to distance myself from her until she got help for her depression. That went over like a fart in Church.

Immediately, she went on the defensive. I expected that. I also understood. She was hurt. I knew that it would hurt her but I was taking care of ME, something that I had not done in many years. I always put myself on the back burner. Not anymore. I was done.

What I didn’t expect, was that she would take this to the extreme. She blocked me on Facebook and THEN called me a hypocrite for talking about her behind her back. (Who blocked whom and then started talking trash about the other? Not me.) She made up lies and told half-truths about me and my family. She showed her true colors. She doesn’t know that I know what she said, but since I DO know, we will never be friends again. How can she be trusted?

She said I was throwing away our friendship because she has a disease called depression. It’s not the depression itself; it’s her inability or unwillingness to get help. I didn’t throw away the friendship. I put it on the back burner, instead of my own needs…. for once. She threw away our friendship when she gave me a bashing on Facebook.

This friendship has weighed so heavily on me for years because I couldn’t help her. If I didn’t care so much, then none of this would have been an issue. I did what I had to do to protect myself and it was my last-ditch effort to get her to do something. I hoped that it would jolt her into realizing she needs to take care of herself. I guess it was wishful thinking…but it’s her issue, not mine.