I Loved Him Once

My ex has been the subject of The Ex-Files for quite some time. I am discontinuing this series until a further date, if at all. It just doesn’t feel right.

CP has been a heavy smoker for most of his life. Smoking 2-3 packs a day will catch up to you eventually. It has been my understanding that he’s been on oxygen for the last 10 years and has continued to smoke. How did he think it was going to end?

A few days ago, I learned that CP was in the hospital. My first thought was Covid. Nope. He had COPD. Most likely other health issues that I am unaware of. He was being moved to Hospice. He passed away yesterday.

You know what? I was sad. I even cried. I didn’t think I’d be upset but I was/am. I cried because you just don’t live with someone for 12 years and have 2 kids with them and not care. I really didn’t think his death would affect me in this way.

It made me sad that CP never knew his children, but that was his choice. I was sad because he died alone. I learned that my son went to see him, though. My son said that CP knew he was there but that’s all I know at this time. My son is still on his way back home. I regret that my children never had a relationship with their father but that wasn’t all on me. I tried. I always tried to make things work, but he didn’t do his part. I left CP and took the kids but he has known for 30+ years where we live and had all the information needed to stay in touch. He chose not to.

I have written in this blog about the BS I endured with CP. He was a jerk, and he was a bit narcissistic and controlling, but he wasn’t a bad person. He was messed up but it wasn’t all bad memories. We had some good times, too, like…

  • Our first date. We went to a Tom Petty concert.
  • The drag races! I loved going to the drag races.
  • The time I went to pick CP up at his uncle’s house. He had been spray painting dry wall or something and had white paint all over him. He was sitting in front of a white wall and when I walked into the room I didn’t see him anywhere. I asked, “Where’s CP?” Everyone laughed as CP stood up.
  • The time we went miniature golfing for the first time. Funny! Neither of us knew what the hell we were doing!
  • Being broke and all, we rarely went to sit-down restaurants. Usually it was fast food and it was time spent together laughing and talking about life’s mishaps.
  • The first time I met CP’s mother, and sisters in Las Vegas. I really had a great time being with them all. It was our first trip together.
  • Family dinners; aunts and uncles, cousins all around. None of my aunts and uncles or cousins were local. It was nice to be a part of this large, close family. They all made me feel welcome and CP was always happy I was there, too.
  • Then, there’s the births of our children. We both felt the joy of our little ones coming into this world. Proud parents we were! I wish that feeling had lasted for him; long enough to have led him to choose to stay in touch with them.

I have a lot of bad memories but the good ones, like the ones above, make me smile. There are more but those were just off the top of my head. I have to remember that I loved him once…

11 thoughts on “I Loved Him Once

  1. Oh my friend, I’m sorry to hear about CP. I know we bitch and complain about our ex’s but, in your case I suppose the good memories outweigh the bad ones. He is the only one to blame for how his life ended (yes I do know how that sounds) but I mean, he was still smoking eve on oxygen?

    Anyway this isn’t about how he died, it’s about how he contributed to your life. He did give you two beautiful children and that is the legacy he leaves. And yours will be how those two children became who they are as adults, parent’s and human beings. Much love and hugs my friend 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Despite they divorced 40 years ago after he run away with her best friend and sure they were not in good terms, my mum took very bad my dad s death a few years back . I suppose is quite normal. People can turn bad, you grow differently, they might not be what you think but as you are a good person and you once had something to share with them, they can’t be all bad so yes I suppose is normal to feel something and in the end they are the fathers of your children so something good they did for you ☺️

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am so sorry to hear CP succumbed to the nicotine addiction and lost his life. I lost my ex to his addiction (alcohol) too. They may have made it rough, especially right before our splits, but we did love them enough to share many years and children. It is perfectly normal to lose him all over again and be hurt by it. Hang in there Deb! (((HUGS)))

    Liked by 1 person

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