When Mom Is Away: By Alice, The Cat

18403030_10155277473194299_8916402982925783340_nMy name is Alice. My day starts bright and early, with running back and forth across the house and in and out the cat door to the catio. I’m so glad Grampa and that other guy built the catio! I’m happy there’s a little door just for us! Can you believe it? We can come and go to get fresh air and see scary critters outside without actually being outside! It’s so fun! But not so fun when the scary dog-like monsters howl in the night. That’s scary as hell.

My friend, Jack sometimes runs in and out with me, but the others just sit and watch us 31046376_10156330787054299_2440345390300430700_nas we dash by. Jack is my friend. When he first came here, he was mean and I didn’t like him. But Mom broke him of that nonsense with that green vest she made him wear. I laughed at him, from around the corner of the room of course. Then when I knew he wouldn’t chase me, I was all bad ass like, “Come at me, bro. You’re not so scary now are ya?”

When Jack and I are running through the house at daybreak, I hear Mom holler from her bedroom, “What the hell are you guys doing out there?” Sometimes she just yells, “Knock it off!”

What’s a cat to do? I get bored. I sleep all day and when Mom and Grampa are sleeping, they expect us to be quiet? Seriously? It’s their own fault for sleeping when it’s time to play! What’s wrong with them, anyway?

31091837_10156330787169299_5438865689683480012_nToday, they are leaving the house for an afternoon of what-I-don’t-know but Mom has the nerve to put me in charge! ME!? Doesn’t she know I want to sleep during the day? She expects me to keep the others in line? Ha.

So, off Mom and Grampa go. I hope they’re back in time for dinner. I hate when they feed31138096_10156330786869299_4361550532215367696_n us late. Especially when I have to listen to Honey Bear bitch and moan about it. That cat is always hungry! She’s a hefty broad, too! Mom says she weighs 17 pounds! I don’t know what pounds are but Mom says Honey Bear is the heaviest cat she has ever seen. She’s a WHOPPER!

16864531_10155012210634299_5022076640343383114_nSmokie just peed on the floor. Good thing Mom puts puppy pads down next to the litter box and it’s really, really a good thing that Mom doesn’t blame me. Since I’m in charge and all. I keep telling Smokie, “You poop in the box, why can’t you pee in it?” She tells me to STFU. “I’m blind, too. What do you expect?” It’s just an excuse. I’d like to kick her ass. I guess that’s what happens when you get old. Mom always says she’s getting old, too, just like Smokie. I hope SHE doesn’t pee on the floor!

Kitty sleeps the whole time Mom and Grampa are gone. I never see hide nor hair of her. 31100320_10156330798799299_340881733414506977_nGood thing, ‘cuz Kitty is kinda scary. She always slaps at us if we get too close. She growls sometimes too. I’m just glad she’s not too mean to me. She’s kind of friendly when she’s sleeping next to Mom. That’s when I squeeze between them to keep warm when it’s really cold. It’s been cold for a long time. What’s with that anyway?

Mom left Jack outside while she’s away. I don’t have anyone to play with. I get so bored. I miss Fuzzy and Korn. They liked me. They played with me and cuddled with me.

I guess I’ll just sleep until Mom comes home.

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