Tag Archives: apologies

C’est La Vie…

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Another one bites the dust, as they say. I’ve had to let another friend go. Was it my fault? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe fault lies with both.

Do I push people away? Yes, I suppose I do but I prefer to say, “I let them go,” because I’m not the only one doing the pushing. I don’t always say something to them because it’s subtle and I know the person is just trying to help.

First of all, with no real understanding of my pain and its cause, people have a tendency to want to help. They offer advice and remedies; perhaps supplements, or exercises. I get tired of trying to explain. It’s not like I haven’t tried nearly everything under the sun and within my budget and ability, to help myself. Nothing helps because it’s severe bone and joint damage/pain I suffer from. Nothing is going to help except for knee replacements. That’s an entirely different post.

I get tired of disagreeing with people. People who bring up the same things in conversation, knowing full well that I disagree. It’s like they are looking for an argument. Then they make me feel as though I can’t question what they have said. I think it’s healthy to question things and if you can’t disagree with someone, what the hell is the point?

I don’t like filtering everything I say all the time. I watch what I say when I’m in public or when it’s someone I don’t l know well, but constantly having to worry about what to say or how I should say it, makes it hard to have a discussion without tension.

I’m not a negative person but I have bad days, some worse than others. Some people don’t recognize that I’m more a realist than anything else. I prefer to see things as they are, not how I want them to be. That doesn’t make me a negative person but there I was being told how negative I was all the time.

Having a gift (my cookbook) declined with, “I don’t want it,” is hurtful. No matter how nicely you put it.

Sometimes, I feel provoked. Knowing perfectly well how I feel about YouTube “information” for example, but still trying to push it at me like it’s fact drives me insane! My bad for not stopping it as soon as it started.

When I reach a certain point, I start to lash out. Then, when the other person lashes out, I fall back into the “everything is my fault” mindset, that stems from my 12 years in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship. So, I apologize. I try to explain. I apologize again. Afterward, I’m left with more anger because I realize that I was being baited in the first place. Baiting denied, of course. But it was like being pulled back into routine manipulation, as I experienced so long ago. Not doing that again, for anyone.

I guess that’s why my circle is small. When I’m with other friends, my mood is elevated and I feel less stress. Things are positive and fun, relaxing. I don’t feel exhausted afterward.

So, the end is the end. I feel sad but I feel peace at the same time. I don’t know how else to explain it. I’m heartbroken to have ended a friendship, but at the same time I feel peace in knowing that I won’t have potential conflict and disagreement slapping me in the face anymore.

C’est la vie.

aunt-debbie

No Apologies

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I am who I am. I won’t apologize for being me. I’ve spent too many years of my life apologizing for one thing or another; things I shouldn’t have felt sorry for in the first place.

When I was growing up, I was never allowed to have an opinion or ask why. This was because of my mother, not my dear Dad. Dad was great, but he wasn’t around much. He worked a lot so he wasn’t privy to the goings on and the rantings of my mother. As a teenager, I knew I had a right to my own opinion but I was shot down continually with “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” That was my mother’s doing, again. I always felt the need to apologize for having an opinion. I knew that I wasn’t worldly by a long shot. I knew that I didn’t have much life experience, but did that mean I was stupid? Did that mean I wasn’t allowed to think for myself? Was I not supposed to form an opinion of my own and just go along with what my mother thought? No way Jose, as we said back in the day.

When I was able to move into my own apartment, it was peaceful and I felt free to think and choose for myself. Then I did something stupid and let my ex move in with me. He was the male version of my mother!! Holy crap. He always made me feel that I needed to explain myself; why did I think that way, who told me to think that way, and where did I hear that from? In some ways, he was worse than my mother!

When I left my ex, I was finally able to live my life my way and TRULY think for myself and make my own decisions. Since then, I get angry when someone tries to make me feel the way my mother and my ex did for all those years! I stopped apologizing. I stopped explaining myself. I stopped giving other people power to influence my thought process. I stopped letting others bully me. I have a mind of my own. I think for myself and….

I won’t apologize for:

*….being a liberal-minded person because at least I can say that I genuinely care about people, regardless of their skin color or sexual preference. I believe everyone has rights, even if they don’t fit into your nice little view of what “should be.”

*….being sensitive. That’s what makes me ME. I have a soft heart. I will cry when you cry. I will feel bad for anyone who is having a rough day/month/year/life. I will try to help someone in need, even if all they need is someone to talk to.

*….not giving my energy away to a**holes. If you’re going to be an a**hole, I’ll slam the proverbial door right in your face. I don’t need that sh*t. I won’t waste my time or energy on someone who thinks their sh*t don’t stink.

*….calling it like I see it. I’m not the type of person who will “go with the flow” just for the sake of peace or not “rocking the boat.” If I agree with someone, I agree. If I don’t agree, I’m going to tell you and I’m going to tell you why. If you don’t like it you should have kept your pie hole shut in the first place.

*….wanting our nation’s children to be safe when they go to school. Children are the future of this country. They are our most valuable commodity. They deserve to be protected better than they have been protected as of late. I’ve said it a million times if I’ve said it once: If I were to do it all over again, my kids would be homeschooled. Yep. Safer with me than at school these days. At least I would have the chance to protect them; I can’t do that if they’re at school.

*….not wanting to see sex scenes on tv or in the movies. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a prude. I don’t mind a romantic scene in a movie or tv show. I don’t mind the suggestion that 2 adults are going to hop in the sack. What I do mind is a full-blown sex scene with nudity, sound effects, etc. Geesh. Leave something to the imagination, please! You take away from the story when you fill the screen with sex, sex, sex. I really don’t think a good story needs sexually explicit scenes to get good reviews.

*….loving animals more than people…cuz people can sometimes suck. Animals don’t lie or stab you in the back. Animals don’t spread gossip. They don’t talk back or argue. Animals, domestic pets specifically, give unconditional love and affection. They don’t judge. They aren’t hateful. They accept you for who you are.

*….having no respect for the man currently sitting in the White House. Never will. I’m not even going to elaborate because if you agree with me then you’ll know why I feel that way. If you don’t agree with me, then you’ll have lame excuses for his behavior and you’ll start your name-calling. Par for the course these days. (And for the record, just because he’s POTUS doesn’t mean we have to blindly follow.)

*….not caring what you think about me or my opinions.

 

So, there you have it. Some of a long list of things I refuse to apologize for these days. No one should have to apologize for having their own opinions or for feeling the way they do. We all need to just let people be who they are. Stop getting your panties in a knot over someone else’s point of view. You’ll be happier and you’ll live much longer.

Do you apologize for things you shouldn’t have to? Stop doing that!