I am not looking forward to the holidays. I haven’t enjoyed them as much as I used to since way back in 2009. Some things happened that were beyond my control but, well, let’s just say that it took a therapist to help me get through them. I have blogged about that time of my life here before so I won’t go into it again.

When I was in my early 40s I looked forward to my 50s and 60s when my family would all gather together for the holidays. I always thought I’d have my children and grandchildren all around me. I envisioned reading Christmas stories to the grandkids and watching them hang their personalized ornaments on the tree. I could see the joy of the holidays in their eyes and the excitement of opening gifts. I loved the idea of sharing great food, movies, and traditions. To me, Christmas has always been about family.

Thanksgiving is all about family, too, in my opinion. I imagined having my family all around a big, crowded table, enjoying good food and good times. We’ve had my son and his family here for those dinners and my bestie (at the time) would come and we all had a good time. My bestie decided she was no longer interested in coming for those dinners, and recently I ended that friendship (for other reasons) so there are even fewer people at my imaginary table.

I don’t look forward to the holidays anymore. My life is filled with pain, mobility issues, and the stress of caring for my Dad. My grandkids are here and there, and the nearest hardly even know me. It’s depressing when I think about it so I try not to. But the holidays force the thoughts.

It’s lonely. There’s no joy in the holidays anymore. Sure, we’ve had ham or turkey dinners and a few gifts but I haven’t put up a tree in years. The last time I did, it was a small 1 footer, but I don’t even bother with that anymore. I don’t bother putting decorations up and I don’t even care to keep up the old traditions, or even the newer ones. Why bother with any of it if the kids and grandkids won’t be around to enjoy it with us?

This year, the grandkids will get a gift or 2 from Dad and me, and my kids will get a copy of my cookbook, (that I dedicated to them in the first place). Other than that, nothing special is planned. No tree, no celebration, no traditions, no big feast, no nothing.

Dad and I will stay home and eat junk food. Just kidding. Most likely, I will make simple meals or we’ll go out and eat. It’s depressing being alone and I know Dad feels it, too. He has great-grandchildren who don’t even know him for Pete’s sake! It’s a shame because Dad loves kids and would love to have his great-grandkids around him.

I won’t complain anymore. We’ll get through it; we always do.