Tag Archives: stress

17 Years Ago Today!

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It’s been 17 years since I began my blogging journey. I started blogging because I needed an outlet. I was stressed. I needed to release it. I still blog for that reason, but I’ve made friends here at WordPress who are interested in updates with me and Dad. I also like to write. I don’t claim to be a great writer, but I do enjoy it.

The problem these days is that I cannot concentrate. There’s too much noise, mostly internal. When we finally move to the new house, I’ll have my own quiet space where I can write uninterrupted. I’m hoping the internal noise will die down.

For now, I write when I can. I want to do an overhaul of this blog eventually. It needs a new look. Any ideas? I’d love to hear your suggestions.

Until next time,

Stress, Worry, and Pain

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Where to start?! So much has happened in the last week, it’s just kind of a blur. I’ll start on July 4th, which seems like such a long time ago!

Last Friday, Dad and I headed out for a Walmart curbside order. We picked up our order, stopped for gas, and headed home. When we got home, Dad said he had to pee but that he wasn’t going to make it to the toilet so he stepped to the side of the yard and did his business. We live out in the boonies, so there’s no one around to see anything. While Dad was doing his thing, I was unloading the trunk and putting our groceries in the utility cart so we could lug it into the house. All of a sudden, I heard a yell, and when I looked up, Dad was on his hands and knees trying to get up.

He wasn’t injured, and he was coherent. He had just lost his balance and went down. He’s been doing this off and on for the last year or so but never outside. I rushed over to help but there’s nothing for him to hang onto in order for him to help me help him get up. Does that make sense? I tried and tried to get him up, but it just wasn’t working. I hobbled myself into the house to get the bathlift, which is like the lift they advertise on tv for the elderly when they fall. The only difference is that the bathlift is heavier. I tried to help him get his butt on the seat but he couldn’t sit up enough for it to work. He got so weak trying to get up that he just couldn’t anymore.

I called 9-1-1 at this point because I knew I wasn’t going to be able to do this without help. I told the dispatcher I needed help getting him off the ground and to please hurry because he’s in the sun! I was almost in a panic when Dad became unresponsive. There he was lying there IN THE SUN, and I was helpless. I grabbed our wet towels we had in the car (to help us stay cool because the a/c is on the fritz) and I wet them down more, and laid them across Dad’s head and back to help keep him cool. The ambulance was taking its sweet time! I called 9-1-1 again. The dispatcher asked for the address again. I told her AGAIN. I think I called 3 times and each time I told her that Dad was on the ground and IN THE SUN, and that I couldn’t get him up.

By this time, our neighbor, Mike, who is a volunteer firefighter, came to help. Two other helpful men came over, also volunteer firefighters, but honestly I have no clue who showed up first. We got more towels to drape over him and one guy had an umbrella he used to keep the direct sun off of Dad.

Finally, the ambulance came. One of the paramedics told me that the dispatcher gave them the wrong address, plus she never relayed the message that this was a heat related incident. I am so angry at that woman! They took Dad to the hospital. I was so hot and stressed out by then, I went inside and jumped in the shower, A COLD SHOWER, to be exact. I just sat there on the shower chair and cried as I cooled off. It was awful. I prayed that Dad would be ok. Then off to the hospital I went.

I had to talk to so many people, and I was dehydrated, so my mouth and throat became so dry I couldn’t talk unless someone brought me some water. They did, and it helped, but not very much. They took Dad to ICU and then they brought me to the ICU waiting room. At this point, I started texting people to let them know what had happened. It didn’t look great for Dad. He was still unresponsive and his temperature had been at 104 degrees when he came in. They were able to get his temp down to normal and he was on all kinds of IV drips and holy crap, it was awful seeing him like that! He was also on a ventilator. He suffered severe burns on his calves from the fabric of his pants touching his skin. IT WAS THAT HOT.

I don’t remember who came first. It could have been my son, since he lives closest but I can’t be sure. The grandkids (Dad’s great grandkids) started coming. I was so overwhelmed by everything, it’s just so blurry. The next day, my sisters and my brother in law came in from Tennessee. My daughter had just been here a couple of weeks before this happened. She had been worried that something would happen and that she’d not been able to see him. I’m glad she came when she did. Work interfered with her coming at this time because she just started as manager of a new Pizza Hut when she got home from her visit.

As the days have gone by, Dad has slowly showed improvement. He came off the vent with a throat sore he couldn’t talk. As the swelling came down, his speech improved. Still not at 100% so it’s a little hard to understand him. He had been on a diet of puree and thickened liquids until yesterday, when they changed it to a mechanical diet. That means he can eat things like meat but it looks like it’s been chewed up already. LOL. His burns are healing. They took him off the IV drips yesterday. They have had him up walking. It tires him out terribly but he’s doing better.

As I was leaving yesterday, they were getting a regular room ready for him. From here they want him to get some physical therapy to make him stronger so we found a place closer to home that takes his insurance. He will be moving there soon, but it’s only temporary, until he’s stronger and can come home. Please pray that he does well enough to come home.

In case you don’t know, I am disabled and can only walk with crutches. This proved to be very difficult for me to get across the hospital parking lot to the building. Every day. When my sisters were here, my youngest sister got a transport chair and pushed me around, making it easier on me. After they left though, I was on my own. I am not strong enough to get my wheelchair in the car otherwise I would have been able to wheel myself around. They have a guy that drives a cart around the parking lots, giving people rides but I had a difficult time getting on and off of that thing so I just walk. I’m in so much pain I just want to sit on my ass and not move at all. This morning my arms and shoulders are sore from using the crutches, I assume. I was going to go see Dad today, but I don’t think I can do that walk again.

I may have forgotten some details but I think you can understand all that happened. It’s been such a short time but it seems like it’s been weeks. I miss Dad not being home. It’s been difficult, mentally and physically. Tomorrow’s my birthday and Dad won’t be here. We don’t celebrate our birthdays really but it’s many, many years (30+) that he’s not been here on my birthday. It seems so strange.

I now need to figure out how I can get that new house finished so when Dad comes home it’s to a nice house instead of a dump. That’s the focus. My family might be coming back and I think they will help me get things figured out. Fingers crossed that all goes well. I will keep you all posted as best I can. Please pray for us!

Until next time,

PS I apologize for spelling and grammar errors. I’m lucky I can even see straight at this point.

What’s Eating Aunt Debbie? Or What The Hell Is Wrong With Her Now?

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Yeah, there’s always something wrong with me. I think I might go crazy…crazier, rather. Things just never seem to go smoothly for us, always something going wonky. The past month and a half is no exception.

Our car battery died, and even though we have a quick charger gadget, the battery eventually was drained completely, beyond charging. For weeks, every time we wanted to go somewhere we had to charge it up. I offered to buy a new battery when we were in town one day and Dad’s said, “I don’t even know if it’s the battery or something else.” I was thinking, If it wasn’t the battery then why does charging get it started? But what the hell do I know? I’m not a mechanic. Eventually, the battery was drained so completely that even the charging gadget wouldn’t work. We had to call AAA. That’s when Dad decided to buy a battery. Then he bitched about the cost. I just reminded him that I offered to buy it weeks ago but he declined.

Since it had rained so much a few weeks ago, work on the house slowed even slower than before. We had so much rain, several bridges and roads were destroyed or flooded over. This past week has been dry, thankfully. Still, I was so hoping to be out of this dump before the hot and humid summer. Ugh. At least the new house won’t have cracks and crevices for the spiders and other creepy crawlies to come in. Sure, we’ll get insects and arachnids occasionally in the new house but not like in this old house. You don’t dare wear clothing that you haven’t shaken out. You always check your shoes before slipping your foot inside, even if you just took them off and hour ago. You always check pots and pans before using them. You feel a tickle? You’d better check because it may not be just an itch! I could go on but I think you get the picture.

The drywall has been hung in the new house but still needs to be taped and textured. Then we have paint and flooring. The septic tank and ditches need to be done, too. Dad will run out of money sure as shit. We’ll be lucky to have any cabinets in the kitchen at all. I have a plan for the upper cabinets that will be less expensive than traditional cabinetry. I’m going to buy some good wooden cube shelving and have open cabinets. The cheapest we can do for lower cabinets is around $1,000, but that’s not counting counter tops. I’ll probably buy a buffet cabinet and we can keep dishes and silverware in that. Below are a few photos. 1) Kitchen sink area, in front of window, 2) Bathroom sink/toilet area, and 3) the living room, looking at the front door. The rooms are pretty big except I wish the kitchen was a bit bigger. Can’t win them all, I guess! I’ll show more photos as things move forward.

Every time I sit down to write, I get distracted because of Dad’s noise. Noise like farting (loudly) as he walks by me, or talking to himself whenever he’s in the room. You see, I sit at the kitchen table to use my laptop. It’s difficult staying focused, not just because of his noise and constant interruption but also because I’m trying to pay attention to what he’s doing or where he’s going. I have him trained to tell me when he goes outside. Then I have to pay attention to how long he’s beeen out there so I know whether to go looking for him. There’s a lot of stress and anxiety involved in living with, and caring for, an elder parent.

Dad fell several times in the last month and a half. No injuries aside from a couple of small bruises and minor scrapes. Gawd, he worries me.

I’m hoping that when the house is done and my sister is here, that the stress level will go down. Maybe I won’t worry so much about everything because I’ll have someone here to lighten the load. I’ll have help watching Dad, and helping him up off the floor when he falls. Maybe I’ll be able to keep up with birthdays, even if it’s just to send cards. It’s been a long time since I sent a card in the mail. I just can’t keep up. Too much on my mind. I used to write letters, too, the old-fashioned way! I’d like to get back to doing that, as well.

Oh, well. Such is the life of an increasingly aging disabled woman. I hope this post isn’t too scrambled. Haha! I may or may get to tomorrow’s Friday’s Funnies. We’ll just have to wait and see. I hope the rest of your week is fantastic!

See you next time!

Lord, Have Mercy On My Tired Soul

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It all started with a flat tire. I figured Dad would just call AAA in the next day or so…more like weeks later because he never wants to call anyone for anything. Ugh. My DIL sent someone over to change the tire for us the next morning. I wasn’t even awake yet but that’s ok, I knew I could take a nap later. So, here’s this skinny girl out there trying to get the lug nuts off and one just won’t budge. I was shocked that she could get any of them off, honestly. Well, she wasn’t able to get that last one so she left. 

The aggravation started when Dad decided to call AAA. Not that hard, right? Well, he called the tire shop in town first which was ridiculous because he would still have to call AAA to get it covered and he knew this. I told him that, too. The guy at the tire shop told him the same thing but if the lug nut was stripped then his shop had no way of getting it off. Seriously? So, Dad calls AAA. But he doesn’t. He ends up calling the tire shop again because that’s the business card he had in his hand. I asked him, “Are you calling AAA,” and he nods his head. He gets the tire shop and they tell him again that he has to call AAA first. Good grief. 

He calls AAA, finally. The line was busy the first time. Dad sat there for 3 minutes listening to the busy signal. I could hear it from where I sat. I timed him. After 3 minutes I asked him why he was listening to the busy signal. He said he was waiting to see if someone would realize he was trying to call. I said, “Dad, it doesn’t work that way!” Anyway, he calls again and gets a real person. He explains the situation with the lug nut. They said they would make some calls to find the right shop to do the job, and they would call him back within the hour. That’s good, right? But Dad gave them the wrong address and the wrong phone number! Before he could hang up I told him to verify the address and phone number. I could hear the woman’s voice on the other end and she repeated the address and phone number correctly. At least they had it on file correctly. In the meantime, someone else shows up, who Dad believes to be from a shop that AAA sent. It wasn’t. We found out the gal that was here first thing had called a friend of hers who lived in the area. He was an older man. 

While Dad was outside talking to the older man, the phone rang but I didn’t get to it in time. It was another tire shop that AAA contacted. The man left a voicemail and said he was on his way. I would have called him back right away but I wasn’t sure if the older man would get that blasted lug nut loose or not. So, I waited. 

The older man managed to get the lug nut loose and put the donut on the car. Before Dad even got back in the house, another guy showed up from the first shop that Dad had called. Dad just assumed that AAA called them. (They told Dad that they had no way of removing a stripped lug nut, so why send someone out anyway?) 

When Dad came inside, I told him about the call from Ed’s tire shop and he said, “He was just here.” I said, “No. It couldn’t have been because the call came in when the older guy was out there talking to you.” He told me he didn’t know that guy’s name but it was someone from Ron’s. I told him that not enough time had passed for Ed’s Shop guy to travel 30 miles. He just wasn’t getting it. He kept saying, “The guy from Ron’s was just here.” I told him again, “It was ED’s Shop that called, Dad. Not Ron’s.” He said, “Oh.” Finally getting it. I told him he’d better call him if the tire situation was taken care of, so they don’t waste their time and gas. He said he would but he had no way of knowing their number. Holy crap on a cracker. I gave him the number from the voicemail and he called. Good grief. 

It was suggested to me that I take over and make all of the calls, getting Dad’s permission to represent him. I would do that but Dad needs to keep his mind working. He does absolutely nothing all day but watch tv. He washes the few lunch dishes we have most days and helps with the laundry but that’s not exercising his brain. I am having a hard time taking care of myself, let alone him and everything else. Dad can’t let his brain go! It’s getting worse and worse. He won’t read a book. He won’t do crossword puzzles. He won’t do jigsaw puzzles with me. He won’t get involved with other seniors. He says, “I hate old people.” He won’t do anything but sit there and watch the news, all day long. I could make it less stressful on myself but is that helping him? 

I won’t put Dad in a nursing home unless and when it’s necessary. I can’t help but think about when I put my Granny in a nursing home. She was there for 2 weeks and was having a good time but then she got sick and was in the hospital for about a week. When she went back to the nursing home, she was there for a few days and then she passed away. I know in my heart that she got sick because she wasn’t used to being around so many germs. Dad is rarely around anyone but me. Nursing homes are chock-full of germs. I know. I used to work in one!

There are other things I/we could do like getting someone in to help but in this old house that’s damn near falling apart? That’s all I need, is some do-gooder coming in and reporting to Senior Services that we have no business living in this house. Our new house isn’t anywhere near being completed, so where the hell would we go? Are they going to foot the bill to not only find a new house for us to live in but move us in as well? Hahaha.

Well, as Granny used to say, “It’ll all come out in the wash!” Until then, I’ll just fake it ’til I make it, as they say or just grin and bear it.

Uh Oh, It’s The Po-Po!

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Last week was hectic. After losing my Honey Bear to a tumor, BobCat decided to get sick. He had a fever, and the sniffles, snorts, and sneezes. Our vet can’t see him until Wednesday BUT BobCat is feeling much better. He’s eating and drinking, using the litter box, and the sniffles, snorts, and sneezes are down to a minimum. So, my stress level is slowly coming down.

Last week, in the midst of trying to give Honey Bear a few days of feeling better, I made a run to Walmart for a curbside pickup. I was getting mostly canned cat foods with gravy, and pouches of broth and gravy, to entice Honey Bear into eating. On the way, MODOT (Missouri Dept. of Transportation) was working alongside the highway, on the left side. They were spraying weeds and unwanteds on the right of way and on the fence line. There was a State Trooper parked keeping an eye on things. I thought to myself, remember to watch yourself on the way back. Simple enough, right?

Well, I have a disabled placard for parking hanging in my car. I have a bad habit of just leaving it hang from my rearview mirror, which is against MO law. So, I took it down, having a feeling that the patrolman would pull me over, sure as shit. Thinking ahead, you know?

On the way back, I saw the patrolman first and I slowed down. MODOT was just ahead of him, still spraying. I didn’t want to get in the way of the sprayers so I moved over to the left, which took me over the center line just a little. Next thing I knew, the patrolman’s lights were on and coming up behind me. I thought, surely he’s not coming for me. I pulled over to let him pass…and he pulled over right behind me. Shit Fuck Shit, I said out loud to myself. What the hell did I do?

The patrolman was pleasant and asked for my license and proof of insurance. I handed those items to him and I asked, “Did I do something wrong?” He replied, “You’re not aware of what you did?” I said, “No, sir.” He told me that I went over the center line of the highway and asked why I did that. I said, “Because I didn’t want to get in the way of MODOT.” He very nicely informed me that MO law requires that a vehicle slow or stop when there are oncoming vehicles before moving over the centerline. In doing what I did, I caused oncoming traffic to have to move onto the shoulder. I’m thinking to myself that it wasn’t my fault the oncoming traffic moved over. They were far enough ahead that they didn’t have to do that. I didn’t say that, because I’m not going to argue with a patrolman! I told him, “I should have known better. When people are testing for a driver’s license, anytime you cause another driver to do something he wasn’t going to do in the first place, they flunk you automatically.” He nodded in agreement, and said, “Hang tight, I’ll be right back.” He walked back to his patrol car and after several minutes passed I thought, “Shit. He’s writing me a ticket.” I wanted to make fun of his Dudley Do-Right hat and his sissy boots but I didn’t want to get shot. Haha!

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He came back to the car, handed my license and proof of insurance back to me, and explained to me that MODOT had reported that people were doing exactly what I had done and were afraid there would be an accident. They asked that the highway patrol send someone to keep an eye out. He was very nice about the whole thing. He sent me on my way with a warning. Boy, was I relieved! I thanked him and told him it wouldn’t happen again.

I think it helped that I have never had a ticket in my entire life, not even a parking ticket! I had only been pulled over twice prior to this, once in California and once 30 years ago here in Missouri. Having proper insurance and driving a car with updated plates with no red flags helped as well. That’s probably why it took him so long! He was running my license, insurance, plates, the whole nine yards.

I drove away wiping the sweat off my brow. Thankfully, I have a funny story to tell about how I fucked up instead of a ticket to have to pay. I’d never hear the end of that!