Tag Archives: memories

Finding The Words…..

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This post is a long time coming. It’s been months since I was able to find the words to describe the feelings of hurt, dissapointment, fear, anger and frustration that I have been feeling.

S.R. made some bad choices and is paying the price. She has learned the hard way that making the absolute wrong choice will lead to not only personal consequence but also to more stress and more financial worries. I hope this is the beginning of the end of her problems and not the beginning of more. This I say because she has not realized what I had been hoping she would realize. She is still in love with J. and will stand by him no matter what. He will be in prison until next month and when he is released, S.R. will go with him and take my beautiful grandson with them.

For right now, S.R. and my grandson D.M. are staying with me. I am loving every second of it, even through the constant messes and disasters S.R. leaves everywhere she goes! Yes, it’s her who makes the messes, not the baby! D.M. is 7 months old now and he is the most beautiful child! He has the brightest, happiest smile and the bluest dark blue eyes! I feel the tears coming as I type because I know soon I won’t see him when I awake in the mornings. He won’t be there to brighten my day. I won’t be able to make him smile or giggle or kick his little Fred Flintsone feet in absolute joy! I won’t see many of his firsts…..

On the bright side, I have witnessed many of D.M.’s firsts! The first time he started walking in his walker, his first visit to a pet store, his first day at the park, his first jar of baby food are just a few. I bought him his first swimming pool which he loves sitting in on a hot day and splashing himself. His first sippy cup…..which he’s still trying to master!

I feel so blessed to have him in my life but why must he go away? It’s just life I guess. Children grow up and have children of their own. They move away. It happens every day. That doesn’t make it any easier. I will have my memories and I will pray that not too much time passes between visits.

Memories & Getting Old

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Last night, my father and I had a conversation about the longevity of many of our ancestors on his side of the family. A great, great aunt had lived to be 110 years old and to this day, credit is given to the natural spring that fed her property. My great, great grandmother lived to be in her 90’s and had never smoked, drank or swore a day in her life, so she said. Of course, she believed she got pregnant from kissing a boy and that you could get pregnant from swimming in a public pool too.

During the conversation, we were trying to remember what year my grandmother and grandfather died. I can’t remember the years exactly, but I can remember the skirt I wore to my grandmother’s funeral and that it was around the time I graduated from high school. I remember that I was pregnant with S.R. at my grandfather’s funeral, which was 1987. I can remember going to see my great grandmother in a nursing home the same year and that I wanted her to see S.R. when she was born. But Gramma never made it. She passed away without ever meeting her great, great grandbaby.

Our conversation made twists and turns, as most random conversations do. We ended up talking about how awesome it would be to live to be in our 100’s because we could tell some really tall tales! Everyone would be interested, except of course our great grandchildren, who would have better things to do. No one would dispute our stories because they weren’t around back then! Many of them would just say we were a french fry short of a happy meal.

Then something occurred to me.

If I live to be in my 100’s, would I even remember anything about my life? Would I remember enough to tell any kind of story at all? I’m 46 years old now, and I have a hard time remembering what we had for dinner last night! Odd how I can remember the skirt I wore to a funeral over 20 years ago but can’t even remember I have a load of clothes in the washer!

It has suddenly become very scary to grow old. I can’t imagine not having my memories. What about the memories of my children as they grew up, the good times, bad times and the memories of family and friends? What about the memories I will have of my grandson D.M.? My memories are sacred to me. What happens when I’m dead and gone? My memories will be gone too.

It’s clear to me that I must write everything down! I have to put all of my memories into written form so that my children and grandchildren have something to remember me by! I wish I would have kept up my childhood diary! Just think of the memories that would be in those!

So now, I have yet another thing on my To Do List. So many things left to do and not enough time to do them!