By now, many of us have a non-binary loved one or at least know someone who is non-binary. It still seems weird to me, as it probably does to most people. I mean, we are born male or female, right? A non-binary person is one who does not exclusively identify as male or female. It’s hard for me to imagine or understand this, however, who the hell am I to disagree with how anyone identifies? No one has the right to disagree with how someone feels about themselves or how they identify. Even if we don’t understand it. Even if we don’t like it. Even if we think it’s not how God intended things to be. We all need to learn to just back off and let people be who they want to be; let people be who they are. It’s none of our damn business.
My biggest complaint about the non-binary person is that we are expected to use the pronouns they or them instead of he/him or she/her. I think most will agree that it’s difficult to do this because we were taught how to use pronouns as we were growing up. Sometimes it just doesn’t sound right when you’re used to saying, “Does he want a cupcake?” to now say without stumbling over the words, “Do they want a cupcake?” Or is it “Does they want a cupcake?” See, it’s confusing. One way sounds better but at the same time, they is usually used when speaking of more than one person. It could be confusing and we might say it incorrectly.
Anyway, back to my complaint. If the non-binary person expects us to use their preferred pronouns, then I expect in return that they be patient with those of us who find it hard to get used to. Just give us a little slack as we try to relearn what we were taught growing up.
Simple respect and understanding goes both ways.
Being Aunt Debbie 
Thank you. When I saw your headline, I was afraid I would disagree with you so much that I would have to unsubscribe, but I was pleased to see that you’re trying to be sensitive and respectful. That’s great! And yes, we can ask for patience while we are learning a new habit. We also have to be patient with ourselves.
People seem to forget that “you” is also both singular and plural, just as “they” is. We don’t trip over what verbs to use with “you”. When talking to a group, we would say, “Do you want to stay for more conversation?” just as we would say it to a single person. Similarly, when we’re talking about a single person, it would seem awkward to say it in any other way than, “Do they want a cupcake?”
Starting a new habit can be difficult and frustrating, and setting that habit takes time. Let me assure you that we can get there! I identify as a non-binary female, and I’m fine with “she” pronouns for myself — but I really try to say others’ pronouns in a way that feels authentic to them. I still mess up sometimes, but it’s getting easier to apologize and forgive myself.
Just talking about the issue shows that we’re on the way to setting the habit.
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I try to be open minded about things. I have a couple non-binary family members. I also have a trans family member so I have to accept who they say they are. I’d hate to lose family, kwim? Thanks for not unsubscribing!! 💜
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Hey my friend, I must say I have to agree with every word you wrote. I’m not saying that we can’t adjust to what people want to be called. But like you said, we were raised in a certain time where it was only male/female and that was it. The idea of using pronouns is only recent and even now we don’t know who wants to be called what. I still have access to my emails from my old job and I get tons of them from NASA, who sent out an email that because of the Executive Order on DEI, those using pronouns on their NASA email signatures had to remove them. I did have an encounter with someone from another NASA program during a conference and from my point of view “they” were a “him.” So I called him, him and he got offended and said I should ask what pronouns they use. I got so pissed because how the hell was I supposed to know “they” used pronouns?! I responded (kind of rude at that) that I can’t read his mind (yes I used his) and that if I didn’t know him to begin with how was I supposed know what he/they wanted to be called. I walked off without even letting HIM finish because HE got mad at me for absolutely no reason!! It’s confusing to try and know/learn who is using pronouns and who isn’t.
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Exactly! Why do they expect this of us when we can’t be mindreaders? They need to be patient and respectful while we adjust. Even if we know someone and know their pronouns, it’s hard to get used to. I mean, most people are going to respect a person’s choice but that doesn’t mean they’ll get it right every time.
As for people being forced to remove those pronouns from their emails…the day of freedom of ANY effing thing are behind us. It’s going to be a long and disastrous 4 years. I hope we make it.
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My daughter has some non-binary friends and it was hard to break the habit of he and she, but I have done it in talking about them. It does go against what we were taught in grammar back in the day so we need a little time to adjust.
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Yes, adjustment necessary. And the non-binary community needs to please be patient as we do that.
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