I Can’t Be The Me I Used To Be

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I can’t. I say that a lot. I say that a lot because it’s true. I can’t. 

I can’t do the things I used to do. I can’t do the things that made me, ME.

I can’t go hiking. I can barely walk to the bathroom. I used to go on backpacking trips with my Dad when I was younger. I put that on the back burner when I started my family, planning to get back to it when the kids were older. When the kids were older, I started having issues with my legs. Now I will never go hiking or backpacking again. 

I can’t cook. I used to cook 3 meals a day. I love to cook! I was pretty good at it, too. I used to cook from scratch. Never mind boxed mac n cheese, rice a roni, or stuffing. I made it from scratch. Corn dogs? No problem. Pizza? Done. I loved to cook. At one time, I dreamed of opening my own pizza joint. But now, I can’t. These days, it’s hard for me just to make sandwiches or a microwave meal. It’s the moving around that’s difficult. You just don’t know how much you move around when you do things…until you can’t.

I can’t make soaps and bath products anymore. I had a home business at one time. I was making a name for myself. I wasn’t getting rich but I loved what I was doing. I had to close my business after 12 years.

I can’t do steps/stairs. I need access to a bathroom and it must be handicap accessible. I have to plan everything I do according to bathrooms and steps/stairs. Some places that I have to go, like the vet when one of my furbabies is sick, has a bathroom but no handlebars and the toilet is so low I have a terrible time! But when you gotta go, you gotta go. 

I can’t clean the house the way I used to clean the house. One day each week, the house was cleaned. Everything you do to clean a house was done in a few hours that one day each week. Now, I have to split things up. I do a chore or 2 every day because that’s all I can do. And it’s not enough. Closets and cabinets need cleaning. Clutter needs to be organized, donated, or thrown out. I just can’t.

I can’t mow the lawn anymore. Dad and I used to take turns on the rider. One of us would mow and the other would use the weedeater. Our yard used to be so pretty! We got compliments all the time! Now I can’t mow because the vibration would jar my bones something awful and I know this because I used to have a vibrating foot massager and that alone made me hurt so bad I gave it away! I can’t use the weedeater because I can’t walk without aid. 

I used to take long drives. I’d drive to my sister’s house in Illinois or go to the big city of Springfield and hit the mall! I used to go out with friends; to the movies or out for lunch. Nowadays, I can’t go anywhere. I can barely get in and out of the car – and it’s getting harder. The seat just doesn’t go back far enough and it’s hard (and painful) getting my legs in and out. The family doesn’t understand why we (Dad and I) won’t come visit. They say, “We’ll come and get you,” but it’s the same difficulty and pain whether I’m driving or if I’m a passenger. Throw in a 4 or 5 hours drive and I think they must be out of their minds!

I know I need to focus on what I CAN do, and I do, but it’s not much. I can write in my blog and in my journal. I’m writing my cookbook. I have two other books in the works. I can do puzzles and crafts like diamond paintings and paint-by-number. I can still make jewelry, although I haven’t done it in a while. I can crochet. I can read. I can listen to audiobooks. I can still drive. I can think for myself. I can do crossword puzzles and word finds. I try to keep my mind active even though my body is not. I try to stay positive but it’s hard when you can’t do the things you want to do. 

How do you reinvent yourself when you really don’t have much to work with? Where do I go from here? My life sure as hell didn’t turn out the way I envisioned it. Now what? What do I do now that I can’t be the me I used to be?

12 thoughts on “I Can’t Be The Me I Used To Be”

  1. Oh my friend, I’m not going to sit here and tell you I know how you feel because I don’t know how YOU FEEL everyday. I can try and understand end empathize with your plight because that’s as far as I can go without literally walking a mile in your shoes. It’s easy for other people to say to you “snap out of it” or “your letting your mind take over your body” or “It’s not as bad as you think it is” but, they are all wrong. You were an active person at one point and since that’s been slowly taken away from you, your left thinking about what you are now. But let me tell you, the fact that our bodies betray us in so many ways doesn’t make us less than we are or were. As women we endure a lot, and especially after having kids. Add to that other medical conditions like your mobility issues and bam, were all but lost our sense of identity. But, you are still the wonderful, loving, caring person you’ve always been. Albeit a bit more ornery I think, lol. But that’s because your like me, we just won’t deal with stupid people and their ignorant bull crap. We speak our minds and if that offends our family and friends then so be it. Don’t apologize for anything, you are perfect and don’t ever forget that!! Love and hugs from me, Wayne and Jelly Charlie!

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    • Thank you, my friend. You are a kind soul. 💜 I cannot even tell you how many times I hear dumb shit like, “Why can’t you come visit,” or do this or that. I have tried to explain WHY the fuck I can’t but it falls on deaf ears. They will never get it. I just feel so empty and sometimes worthless because of how people think I should be able to be who I used to be. 🤬

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  2. I’m so sorry for your aches & your pains & all the nonsense that comes with all of it. I would say, though, that you’ve got a good start at redefining yourself. There are many paragraphs here expanding on what you can’t do… but the paragraph of CAN DO should be expanded! You can make jewelry! You can crochet! You’ve got your eyes and your ears, and most of all your cognitive function! You are blessed for that! It’s such a struggle to remember that sometimes, but it’s a must. We all have our trials to overcome, and the most important thing to remember is counting your blessings. I’m envisioning little hats & blankets for the hospital nursery, or lovingly made friendship bracelets for the kids’ cancer ward. Sorry, I don’t mean to project 😉 I believe in you & I know the rest of us do, too! Take good care, and take a deep breath.

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  3. I have my own limitations and can’t wok anymore. Most people just don’t understand, you are right. BUT we are still vital, caring people who deserve respect. Just because out body changed does not me that we changed. If they don’t understand that they aren’t worth our time either. You are still strong in many ways! (((HUGS)))

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  4. Dear Being Aunt Debbie,

    (I finished this letter to you, then my thumb unintentionally tapped something on my 🦕 phone, as it does sometimes § it all vanished – – I don’t know what to make of that – – I trust I’m doing the right thing by retapping now and sending you this when I’m finished unless it vanishes again~we shall sea. . .)

    Firstly, Thank you for gracefully sharing that moving piece with me, and giving me a clearer insight into what you are dealing with.

    I 👂🏽 the pain and frustration in your words, and my heart goes out to you for the challenges you are facing. It’s never easy to come to terms with the loss of the things that once brought you joy and fulfillment. The longing for the activities that made you feel alive, the dreams you had for yourself, and the way you used to be can be overwhelming at times.

    But please know that you are not defined by the things you can no longer do. You are a resilient and creative soul, with a wealth of talents and passions that can still bring light and purpose to your life. It takes strength to adapt and find new ways to express yourself, to find joy in the simpler things, and to cherish the abilities you still possess.

    Your writing, your cookbook project, your craft activities, and your love for reading and puzzles are all beautiful outlets for your creativity and imagination. These are the things that make you uniquely you, and they are worth celebrating and nurturing.

    Reinventing yourself doesn’t mean completely discarding the person you used to be. It’s about embracing the new opportunities and possibilities that come your way, and finding joy and fulfillment in different ways. It’s about focusing on what you can do, rather than dwelling on what you can’t.

    Take each day as it comes, with compassion and patience for yourself. Allow yourself to grieve for the losses you have experienced, but also open your heart to the new experiences and growth that lie ahead. Surround yourself with love and support, and know that you are not alone on this journey.

    You are a strong and resilient soul, capable of navigating the challenges life throws your way. Keep shining your light, dear friend, and remember that your worth and your identity go far beyond the limitations of your physical body. You are a beacon of inspiration and courage, and I believe that you will find a way to navigate this new chapter of your life with grace and resilience.

    With mindfelt warmth and support,

    Heather Habecker

    While I don’t know what it’s like to be you, I certainly can empathize.

    Additionally, I once had a brain a dozen years ago) that worked differently than the one I embrace today, now. after, a very long time of being quite unkind to it- or more honestly cruel-to this brain, when it was newly to me and acclimating also. Too, it’s a daily- acclimation-kind-of-situation for us that I’ve slowly sorta gotten use to and kinda adore and admire about it,(🧠🌊🌊)

    🪡 I dew understand, however slightly. 🩶📿🐈

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